I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

This sounds really similar to other threads on here

It's not you it's him, there's a reason why he hasn't settled down at his age, he does this all the time, likes the relationship up until they want commitment, he's a commitment phob.
Cut your losses and move on, you will be wasting your time and in that time you could find someone who is really your soulmate.
Move on. X

Typical Peter Pan complex unfortunately - too afraid to grow up and be an actual adult. There's a reason why he hasn't had a serious relationship for 8 years and he's nearly 40

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Typical Peter Pan complex unfortunately - too afraid to grow up and be an actual adult. There's a reason why he hasn't had a serious relationship for 8 years and he's nearly 40

@tiggerwhocamefortea he just says he hasn’t met the right person. Clearly he still hasn’t :( he’s not even contacted me today

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

He told you what you wanted to hear. At first because it got him laid. Then keeping you hanging on with the promise of 'someday'. Now you are wanting him to put his money where his mouth is you find out he was full of shit.

I think this.

You have done all the running to his place.

He's had it very easy and it suits him.

He really isn't that pushed about change.

Crossroads here for you.

Pull back and do not contact him at all.

See if distance focuses his mind.

If it doesn't, it's over and he just strung you along.

Sorry.

You say you want actions but he has done exactly that. The issue is they aren’t the actions you want or hoped for. He’s now manipulating you so that you will back off for a bit for fear of your relationship ending which means you won’t pester him, which is exactly what he wants. Don’t do it. If you want children, end this relationship now and find someone else or go it alone.

@user1481840227

I know someone, very well, that this happened to.

@BackBackBack
What happened to your friend is completely different, the OP's relationship is only 18 months old!

Is it different? Really? I hadn't noticed! And there can't possibly be a reason why I shared my friend's story on the back of earlier posts I'd made on this thread, warning the OP not to waste her fertile years because it sounds like he's stringing her along, and if he is the consequences are awful...oh no, wait...

@Smiler79

I thought so too. Lots of the details are identical. The reason I asked was because I was concerned about the number of threads OP has made about this. And whether she was speaking to anyone IRL about this

We had things booked and he took an interest, it just often got cancelled or postponed as he’d think work was busy or he wanted to go see his dad etc. The meeting family, again, he said he definitely wanted to but there always seemed to be things cropping up that meant it didn’t happen.

And this is exactly what he has done re: moving in and having kids too.

He says yes to shut you up, then delays and delays until the momentum has passed. That is not what people do when they really want to do things.

He hasn’t met your family in 18 months “because work had been too busy”? Nope, I’m a fucking hospital doctor and I have been able to make room in my busy schedule to make duty trips to my in laws. He could also easily make time for a weekend away or daytrip to London if he had any interest whatsoever in doing so.

He will never agree to move in with you or have children with you. Ever. If you stay with him, your whole life with him is going to be exactly like the last 18 months have been - no holidays, no weekends away, no daytrips, no effort with your side of the family. If you fall pregnant accidentally he won’t do any parenting. He has shown you time and time again who he is and what he is like, and he is a passive passive man with no interest in doing anything with you except you going round to his and sitting on the sofa. Anything else is going to be a massive uphill struggle that you will have to drag him along with.

You have dodged an absolute hail of bullets here OP.

OP, the only right person for him at the moment would be a single parent who doesn't want a man to move in or meet the kids, so is happy to go to him and isn't demanding of his time as they have their own busy life.. That is just not your situation, you are incompatible, stop taking this personally. Do not contact him ever, keep yourself busy.
You are going to feel a big hole because you've really been overdoing it, and lived in his pocket if you've seen him every night for the last 6 months. You are going to have to keep yourself distracted with other things.its time to fill your time doing things you like, rather than following his plans, find your own path, I suspect you've put your own stuff on hold since spending so much time with him - too much ( ok during lockdown, but life has opened up now, so get out there with your mates and enjoy it).

He’s not yet met my family and has made various excuses, all of them reasonable on the face of it, but equally, if he really wanted to make the effort we could have organised it.

OP, apart from saying he wants to get married and have babies, what evidence do you have that he actually wants these things? Because all of his behaviour would seem to indicate that, in fact, he doesn't want them.

I know not everyone has to work to the same timescale but eighteen months in my now husband has just proposed - in the previous year and a half we had spent lots of time together, sure, but we'd also spent lots of time with each others' friends, we'd met the parents on both sides, even the parents had met each other at a lunch in the city we both lived in! Our lives had started to join up if that makes sense, we didn't just see one another in isolation from everyone/everything else.

I don't think you've pushed this man away at all. I think he's been telling you what you want to hear and now that it's time for him to lay his cards on the table he's going to run off and find another woman to string along - because the obvious answer to why a man would delay so much is that he doesn't really want those things. Otherwise his actions would be different.

I am reading very very similar threads to this every few days. Either they are made by the OP or there are lots of 37 year old women in the same predicament. Strange.

@Changechangychange

We had things booked and he took an interest, it just often got cancelled or postponed as he’d think work was busy or he wanted to go see his dad etc. The meeting family, again, he said he definitely wanted to but there always seemed to be things cropping up that meant it didn’t happen.

And this is exactly what he has done re: moving in and having kids too.

He says yes to shut you up, then delays and delays until the momentum has passed. That is not what people do when they really want to do things.

He hasn’t met your family in 18 months “because work had been too busy”? Nope, I’m a fucking hospital doctor and I have been able to make room in my busy schedule to make duty trips to my in laws. He could also easily make time for a weekend away or daytrip to London if he had any interest whatsoever in doing so.

He will never agree to move in with you or have children with you. Ever. If you stay with him, your whole life with him is going to be exactly like the last 18 months have been - no holidays, no weekends away, no daytrips, no effort with your side of the family. If you fall pregnant accidentally he won’t do any parenting. He has shown you time and time again who he is and what he is like, and he is a passive passive man with no interest in doing anything with you except you going round to his and sitting on the sofa. Anything else is going to be a massive uphill struggle that you will have to drag him along with.

You have dodged an absolute hail of bullets here OP.

@Changechangychange thanks. I feel a bit embarrassed. At first the reasons seemed plausible, he was worried about family stuff (so I left him to it), he was stressed at work (so I backed off), he didn’t want to go on holiday as he wanted to focus on work (I respected that), he couldn’t meet my family yet as he had to get the washing machine fixed or he wanted to go swimming and he hadn’t had time that week (so I didn’t want to control his weekend). Before I knew it months had passed and literally none of the the usual things a relationship would have were in action. It’s just tearing me apart because I do love him. I really do. I was SO excited about life with him. He told me so often that he felt the same.

The only reason this hasn’t come to a head sooner is that I wanted to be reasonable and understanding. When you’re in something it’s hard to know where that line should be drawn.

YANBU I haven't read the whole thread but any male who hasn't settled down by 39 likely doesn't really want to settle down and is some kind of commitophobe.
If you are late thirties the biological clock is not on your side and that should be your only concern, if you want to have a baby.

@AnaViaSalamanca

I am reading very very similar threads to this every few days. Either they are made by the OP or there are lots of 37 year old women in the same predicament. Strange.

@AnaViaSalamanca please could you link me to the similar thread!! Thank you x

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

He’s not yet met my family and has made various excuses, all of them reasonable on the face of it, but equally, if he really wanted to make the effort we could have organised it.

OP, apart from saying he wants to get married and have babies, what evidence do you have that he actually wants these things? Because all of his behaviour would seem to indicate that, in fact, he doesn't want them.

I know not everyone has to work to the same timescale but eighteen months in my now husband has just proposed - in the previous year and a half we had spent lots of time together, sure, but we'd also spent lots of time with each others' friends, we'd met the parents on both sides, even the parents had met each other at a lunch in the city we both lived in! Our lives had started to join up if that makes sense, we didn't just see one another in isolation from everyone/everything else.

I don't think you've pushed this man away at all. I think he's been telling you what you want to hear and now that it's time for him to lay his cards on the table he's going to run off and find another woman to string along - because the obvious answer to why a man would delay so much is that he doesn't really want those things. Otherwise his actions would be different.

@Outfoxedbyrabbits I guess he voluntarily said things like this sometimes. It wasn’t always in response to me, if that makes sense. If I questioned anything he would always say well of course he’s serious about this, that’s why he was single so long. He’s not a manipulative man at all and I do think he felt he wanted that with me but doesn’t know how to get to that point. The best way I can describe it is that he just seems incapable and totally overwhelmed by any idea of having a shared life.

Er no. It wasn't you. To parrot everyone else. Mysteriously never meeting your family. Suddenly disappearing when moving in is mentioned. No amount of softly softly would have changed things only had ypu waiting years to finally see the writing on the cards. Sadly he doesn't want the same things. He might think he does in principle but he really doesn't. Talk is cheap as someone else said.

OP, I think you've handled this really well. Good for you for bringing things to a head and refusing you waste too long on an uncommitted man. I'm proud of you!

You've discovered the truth. Now you're alone you'll start realising/remembering loads of other red flags too. Like how he didn't want to meet your family. There will be other signs like that.

This will be GOOD for you as it'll help you realise you were NOT going crazy, he really wasn't into commitment and you were 100% right.

I'm really proud of you.

My story: I had this exact row when I was 28 but he actually proposed. But it was an awful marriage - he really never deep down wanted marriage or kids or me, and I never once felt cherished or adored or safe. I got two lovely kids out of it but it wasted my 30s and left me an emotional wreck. Plus I obviously still have to have contact with him now because of the kids, and he's a living breathing dickhead, who's messed me around with child support the whole time.

So I'm HAPPY for you. At least you dodged your idiot! It could've been MUCH worse, believe me.

@BackBackBack

Yes, it is different.
18 months and then it comes to time to commit and he starts to panic versus nearly 20 years.

Many, many people wouldn't be ready for a huge commitment after 18 months, some do feel ready with more time, some don't and the relationship ends. It's not the same as stringing someone along for years and years and years.

Men aren't obligated to settle down quickly just because a woman is in her 30s and her biological clock is ticking. I don't even like men (as I often say on here lol) but they get so much abuse on here if they are not ready to settle down with a woman when she's in her 30s after a year or so!
And if they do rush into it then a huge amount of those families won't last, probably more so than the already very high divorce rates! but apparently the man owes her because he dated her for a while during some of her last fertile years!

The OP knows now that he is reluctant so she knows what she needs to do.

@fuckoffImcounting

I feel angry on your behalf OP. He is a future faking cunt, running down women's fertile years - if I was in charge I would put blokes like him on a future faking register so that no one who wants children would date them.

That's just what I was thinking about the other day. Setting up a register of guys that seem lovely at first but then show their real side.

With this guy though I can see a few red flags: the cancellation of things OP was looking forward to; the making her responsible for ensuring he doesn't get too stressed; the accusations of her getting things her own way when the opposite is true; the promising her everything she wanted early on and then backing down; the going silent when they've had a disagreement rather than talking it through as an adult.

OP I'd really reconsider this relationship.

@Oassthesalt - you shouldn't be embarrassed. You believed what he told you because you fell in love with him. And you really, really wanted it to be true. But there was obviously a little nagging voice at the back of your head or you wouldn't have brought things to a head.

The only thing you've done wrong is trusting a man to be honest with you.

[quote user1481840227]@BackBackBack

Yes, it is different.
18 months and then it comes to time to commit and he starts to panic versus nearly 20 years.

Many, many people wouldn't be ready for a huge commitment after 18 months, some do feel ready with more time, some don't and the relationship ends. It's not the same as stringing someone along for years and years and years.

Men aren't obligated to settle down quickly just because a woman is in her 30s and her biological clock is ticking. I don't even like men (as I often say on here lol) but they get so much abuse on here if they are not ready to settle down with a woman when she's in her 30s after a year or so!
And if they do rush into it then a huge amount of those families won't last, probably more so than the already very high divorce rates! but apparently the man owes her because he dated her for a while during some of her last fertile years!

The OP knows now that he is reluctant so she knows what she needs to do.[/quote]
You have spectacularly missed the point of why I shared my friend's story. But it wasn't for your benefit, and the OP (and others) understand the point I am trying to make, so it matters not.

@Oassthesalt similar threads at the moment:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4394506-Too-old-and-past-it-how-did-you-deal-with-it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4393860-Is-he-stringing-me-along-about-kids

[quote Clymene]@Oassthesalt - you shouldn't be embarrassed. You believed what he told you because you fell in love with him. And you really, really wanted it to be true. But there was obviously a little nagging voice at the back of your head or you wouldn't have brought things to a head.

The only thing you've done wrong is trusting a man to be honest with you. [/quote]
@Clymene I think I knew a while ago that he was stalling on everything. In that time I’ve watched two siblings and a best friend get married (he couldn’t come to the first two because of lockdown and was too busy to come to the last). I love him and this is so shit. It wasn’t even a case of rushing things with him because I wanted to settle down..I actually thought I had met the right person for me. I feel so devastated tonight. He’s not been in touch and I actually don’t think he will be.

[quote BackBackBack]@Oassthesalt similar threads at the moment:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4394506-Too-old-and-past-it-how-did-you-deal-with-it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4393860-Is-he-stringing-me-along-about-kids[/quote]
@BackBackBack thank you!

Thanks also for sharing your friend’s story. She sounds amazing and I only hope I have similar strength somewhere, for however things turn out.