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Original poster

I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

220 replies

Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 11:48

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 11:49

*Sorry that should be dating almost a year and a half…we just hit the 18 month mark.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 07/11/2021 11:53

It’s not you
It’s him

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 11:55

@Rummikub I’m going over what I said on Friday though and it was quite cruel. I think I said something like it’s obvious why you’ve never met anyone long term if this is what you do…

I wasn’t very nice to him at all. I just got to the point where I felt so confused. One moment we are happily cooking together and he’s all over me, the next it’s like he doesn’t want any real commitment at all.

OP posts:
Ilovechocolatecoins · 07/11/2021 11:55

This is not your fault. He has told you what you want to hear and now he is dragging his feet. I would be honest and say, ‘if we don’t want the same thing then it’s best we split up as he is wasting your time’. Yes it’s an ultimatum but you are worrying that you are running out of time for the family you long for. He may well walk away but at least you don’t get strung out for another 18 months and you have the opportunity to meet someone else. You haven’t done anything wrong.don’t blame yourself.men have all the time on their side for family but women don’t have that luxury.Look out for number one.

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 11:57

@Ilovechocolatecoins at 39, saying he does want all that, why would he want to drag his feet? I’m just don’t get it. Surely HE doesn’t want to be a dad with a baby in his mid forties, in an ideal world? Why postpone moving forwards at all if he wants those things?

OP posts:
BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 11:59

You haven't broken anything.

He's strung you along claiming to want the same things. Only now when it's getting to crunch time it's dawned on him that he can't keep making vague promises when his actions belie his words.

I'd drop the rope and go quiet on him for the next couple of days and see what he does. Don't chase him. If he doesn't make contact and show willing to have an honest conversation about plans for the future, then you have your answer.

Fruitandnuts · 07/11/2021 12:00

You have done the right thing. You communicated your wants and needs. Some men say they want this and that and when I woman actually communicates it they panic. I don’t know if it’s something to do with letting him come to his own realisation or choice that he needs. If I were you I’d completely back off for a few days. Let him have some space and time to think. Then restate your wants and needs and tell him if he doesn’t want it then you spilt. Don’t hang around with a wishy washy man. He can find someone else to me like that with. You know what you want and if he can’t give it move on. The sad fact is most man seem to do this disappear act and go stare into space to get their heads straight. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your in your 30s and don’t want to waste time , if he can’t see that and your maturity and assertiveness for what you want , let him go.

Rummikub · 07/11/2021 12:01

[quote Oassthesalt]@Rummikub I’m going over what I said on Friday though and it was quite cruel. I think I said something like it’s obvious why you’ve never met anyone long term if this is what you do…

I wasn’t very nice to him at all. I just got to the point where I felt so confused. One moment we are happily cooking together and he’s all over me, the next it’s like he doesn’t want any real commitment at all.[/quote]
I’ve spent previous relationship second guessing and I was also called intense.
But in hindsight y yu hey weren’t honest and direct.

He has the luxury of time. You don’t. It’s just biology. And to not even discuss it openly and honestly with you is unfair of him.

I know it’s hard but walk away. You have said what you want and he’s not picking it up. Just blaming you instead.

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:02

I’m just totally gutted. I thought we’d always be together.

OP posts:
Ilovechocolatecoins · 07/11/2021 12:03

Yes he is 39.he can start a family in ten years when he is 50 with a younger woman if he wants.I am only being kind.look after yourself.I had children older because of a committed phobic man.he strung me along from 30 to 35. He may feel pressured by you.you are only being honest.he needs to be honest with you.I would have resented a partner who would not let me have children.

BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 12:03

@Oassthesalt

I’m just totally gutted. I thought we’d always be together.
It's hurting but I promise you, better to find out now than waste your precious fertile years on a man who is future faking you.
Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:03

@Rummikub he does have time but at 39 you’d think if he wanted those things he would be taking action? Surely no man who really wants all that would be happy to let it slide into his mid forties if he genuinely wanted those things?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 07/11/2021 12:04

OP
You and you alone are responsible for your words. No one can make you say anything which is cruel.

If you have said things which were cruel, apologise, and be prepared to give him some space.
However, perhaps be clear that it feels like you were receiving mixed messages, and that a conversation may be in order.

Smiler79 · 07/11/2021 12:04

I think he’s not sure he wants them with you. Does he appreciate that , in your late 30s, you actually need to move forward quickly?
He thinks it’s pressure to move in after 18months? How long until he proposes or wants to ttc . You’ll be in your 40s and too late probably.
It suits him fine like this as you’re doing all the running to see him and he doesn’t need to make much effort or commitment.
I really would move on as he sounds like a time waster. If you really want a family, use head over heart and leave x

Rummikub · 07/11/2021 12:04

They believe they have all the time they need. As men are fertile for a long time. He has choices. You need
To decide what’s important to you. Him or your future family.

FlowerArranger · 07/11/2021 12:04

Him telling you that you are too intense is code for 'I like our current set up but I've no intention to move forward'.

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:04

@Ilovechocolatecoins

Yes he is 39.he can start a family in ten years when he is 50 with a younger woman if he wants.I am only being kind.look after yourself.I had children older because of a committed phobic man.he strung me along from 30 to 35. He may feel pressured by you.you are only being honest.he needs to be honest with you.I would have resented a partner who would not let me have children.
@Ilovechocolatecoins who plans to have kids at 50 though? If he really wants all that? He’s one of two in his group of friends with no kids and he’s always saying how amazing it would be, alongside telling me how much he loves me.

I feel like I’ve been too much and pushed him away

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/11/2021 12:06

Talk is cheap.

Think it’s been a mistake ‘doing the running’ back and forth to his: reciprocity is important.

He has the option to become a biological parent when he’s older. You are unlikely to have that option.

Rummikub · 07/11/2021 12:07

No no no!
You haven’t pushed him away.

He pushed you away by being evasive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/11/2021 12:10

The thing is OP, for whatever reason he doesn't want kids with you enough to move the relationship along at a normal pace.

I know that sucks but you know that now and need to accept it and end the relationship for good.

I can't tell you how many women I know who have been in your situation, stayed with the bloke for the majority of her 30s with him saying 'of course I want them im just not ready yet', then when the woman finally breaks up with them after wasting fertile years... he's engaged with a baby on the way within 12 months.

It's like a weird phenomenon that I've seen play out so many times.

Don't be that woman, you know what you want and he isn't on the same page. He may well want kids. He may well have them one day. But he doesn't want them with you enough to progress the relationship at a healthy pace.

VanCleefArpels · 07/11/2021 12:10

You asked him to shit or get off the pot

He clearly is not ready to shit

No ones fault, at the 18 mths mark it will often be decision time and it’s not always going to be the decision you want to hear

Knackeredmommy · 07/11/2021 12:11

You haven't pushed him away, you've told him how you feel and been upfront and honest about what you want. He either wants the same or he doesn't. If he doesn't, as much as it hurts right now, better you know. Give him his space, his response, or lack of, will be your answer.

deepfriedfood · 07/11/2021 12:14

@BackBackBack

You haven't broken anything.

He's strung you along claiming to want the same things. Only now when it's getting to crunch time it's dawned on him that he can't keep making vague promises when his actions belie his words.

I'd drop the rope and go quiet on him for the next couple of days and see what he does. Don't chase him. If he doesn't make contact and show willing to have an honest conversation about plans for the future, then you have your answer.

This.
sunshinesupermum · 07/11/2021 12:14

He doesn't want kids with you and is stringing you along.

Ilovechocolatecoins · 07/11/2021 12:16

I agree with @Knackeredmommy totally.wait and see. If you love him let him go and he may come back

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