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Original poster

I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

220 replies

Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 11:48

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
Allaboutthecake · 07/11/2021 12:16

It doesn’t sound like he wants to commit and it sounds like he’s been saying what you want to hear. When I met my husband I’d been messed around for a couple of relationships so I was very upfront with him. I told him I wanted to get married and have children and that if he didn’t want that, not to waste my time. He said he wanted the same things. We were engaged within three months and married seven months later. We had three children and have been happily married for nearly 30 years.

It will happen for you, but not with this man. I wouldn’t waste any more of your time on him. These things are often about timing. It’s not just about meeting the right person. It’s got to be at the right time too. 💐

deepfriedfood · 07/11/2021 12:17

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

Well, only if he doesn't really want all those things he promised with you, and it would appear he does not. Men who do this do waste women's time, and our time matters more as our fertility has an end point. He shouldn't be surprised you are angry.

BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 12:17

Darling, this is what men like him want. They rely on you tearing yourself apart to try and make them happy. They know that every time you try and pin them down, all they have to do is back off and you'll be blaming yourself for "pushing him away" and wondering what you need to do to smooth things over.

What this does is condition you to not push the agenda of what you want. He wants you to keep quiet and silently hope that it will all come good. He knows that all he has to do is throw you the occasional bone and that you will cling to this as evidence that one day he will come good (won't it be great when we do have kids/I don't want to be an older Dad). Notice though that in all of this he is not actually committing to a definite timescale or plan of action.

Every so often you will start to feel anxious about the years passing, so you will be brave and speak up - at which point he sulks/goes quiet and the cycle repeats itself because you have so much time and hope invested in this man that you are scared of walking away.

Eventually your fertile window has passed, it's too late and it doesn't matter for him. He can stay with you if he doesn't want kids. But if he changes his mind then he can dump you and get with someone 20/30 years younger and knock them up. Meanwhile you are left childless and alone with the horrible knowledge that you wasted your fertile years on a liar who didn't love you enough to be honest with you.

Day5DayandNight5 · 07/11/2021 12:18

You haven't done anything wrong
You requested an answer about the future
So you should receive an answer now

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 12:20

Don't blame yourself for this OP

It's understandable

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 12:20

Posted too soon!

It's understandable you want to know whether you are on the same page.

Sillawithans · 07/11/2021 12:21

In your own words you were quite cruel and by your own admission you're quite an intense person so. It's perhaps not the first time you've been intense, so perhaps he's reluctant to move in because of that. Quite wise.

I'm not sure he's stringing you along.

GoodnightGrandma · 07/11/2021 12:22

He’s stringing you along because he’s happy as it is.
End it and move on.

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:23

I’m so upset. I’ve left his just now and I’m already in tears. What the fuck has this relationship meant to him. I can’t understand it, he’s such a sincere and quiet sort of man. I totally trusted him with my whole heart. As soon as I’ve got upset about this property, he’s turned into someone I don’t recognise.

OP posts:
Ilovechocolatecoins · 07/11/2021 12:25

OP I hope you are ok. Your partner doesn’t have to be 39 to be a father. My partner will be 50 just after our 3rd baby is born. He is older than me. It is just the way it worked out. He is a fantastic father and has so much patience. Go out and meet other people and keep busy.Pamper yourself. Please don’t go back begging. It will happen with someone else if not him. I am so glad it’s over with my previous partner.I humiliated myself over him. I look back now and I have more respect for myself.

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:25

@Sillawithans

In your own words you were quite cruel and by your own admission you're quite an intense person so. It's perhaps not the first time you've been intense, so perhaps he's reluctant to move in because of that. Quite wise.

I'm not sure he's stringing you along.

@Sillawithans yeah I’ve been quite direct about wanting a future i guess. The moving in has only come up properly recently and now come to a head. I really love him and felt intensely towards him because of that. It wasn’t just finding any person to be with, when I met him I felt like I’d hit my dating jackpot, I was so happy with him.
OP posts:
Ilovechocolatecoins · 07/11/2021 12:26

Do you have family close by or friends who can comfort you?

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:26

@Ilovechocolatecoins

OP I hope you are ok. Your partner doesn’t have to be 39 to be a father. My partner will be 50 just after our 3rd baby is born. He is older than me. It is just the way it worked out. He is a fantastic father and has so much patience. Go out and meet other people and keep busy.Pamper yourself. Please don’t go back begging. It will happen with someone else if not him. I am so glad it’s over with my previous partner.I humiliated myself over him. I look back now and I have more respect for myself.
@Ilovechocolatecoins what was your timeline with your partner? How soon did you start with the first?
OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 07/11/2021 12:27

You are in two different places and both of you need to understand that. He might really want those things but they are still an abstract want - looking at others children and dreaming of his own. He isnt ready for that to become a reality and all the risks and effort that it entails. You on the other hand want those things as an actuality - have planned and considered your relationship and how that needs to move forward in order to achieve these needs as a reality. You are ready to get going. This is the conversation you need to have with him. Telling him he’s said you are the love of his life and that he wanted this explains why you felt he would be in a similar place but ultimately those things may be true for him but the timescales aren’t going to work. I hate ultimatums and think they are a bad way to progress an issue but when it comes to kids, women are on a deadline which can mean you have no choice but to issue an ultimatum if they are most important to you.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/11/2021 12:28

He told you what you wanted to hear.
At first because it got him laid.
Then keeping you hanging on with the promise of 'someday'.
Now you are wanting him to put his money where his mouth is you find out he was full of shit.

Sakurami · 07/11/2021 12:28

OP if he really loved you this wouldn't break you two up, it would just make him realise that at your age, if you want kids, it's got to be soon.

It sounds to me like he's stringing you along. My ex would never say no to things, just come up with reasons why not at the moment. Guess what? Never in our 12 year relationship did those promises ever come into fruition, there was always a reason why not.

Triffid1 · 07/11/2021 12:29

Op, the language you are using concerns me. You haven’t ruined things because of one conversation, even if you said a few things you may regret. If things are ruined it’s because he told you one thing and then over the last few months/weeks has been quietly backtracking. Yes, this may have led to a massive argument in which you behaved badly, but please don’t lose sight of what precipitated it - his actions and behaviour.

This is a common theme with some men. You are so busy beating yourself up for saying ONE mean thing that the original issue is swept under the carpet. Don’t fall for it. If you want to apologise for the things you said, sure, go ahead, but that doesn’t mean you should ignor4 how you felt. Having said that, asking him if this is why he’s always been single doesn’t seem like a -articulately “cruel” comment to me.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/11/2021 12:31

He is wasting your time, and it is a positive thing that you have brought this to light now, so you can drop him and find a guy who is not all talk.

Sillawithans · 07/11/2021 12:31

How old are you op?

Have you ever discussed what happens next after you move in together. Are you saying move in, then get married in a year, then after that try for a baby straight away? It might feel to him that's it's going to fast, and his feelings are relevant here.

I really feel for you.

Dddccc · 07/11/2021 12:32

Hmm you sound like you have pushed to fast for what you want 18 months is not long since part of it would have been lockdown discussing moving in together is normally the next step after a few years which takes time to discuss but you pushed started an argument then were nasty as you didn't get your own way you have issues you need to sort and it may be this relationship is not right for you

HeartsAndClubs · 07/11/2021 12:32

OP, you keep saying that he’s 39, but how old are you?

TBH, I don’t agree with the narrative that if you are running out of time it’s ok to start applying pressure on someone to have kids. One of the pitfalls of not getting together with the right person until later in life is that there’s a chance you might not have kids, hard as it is.

You’ve hardly been together any time at all. Just under a year only actually equals about 6 months bearing in mind half that year has been spent in lockdown, and now you’re applying pressure to move in and have kids? If you were any younger people would say you’re being intense, the fact you’re potentially older doesn’t change that fact IMO.

Nobody should be rushing into having kids with someone purely because their time is running out. If it’s meant to be then it will, and while I totally see that you might want to move forward after a couple of years, a year, half of which has been spent in lockdown is no time at all.

Original poster
Oassthesalt · 07/11/2021 12:32

@Sillawithans I was 37 in October

OP posts:
MollysDolly · 07/11/2021 12:33

[quote Oassthesalt]@Ilovechocolatecoins at 39, saying he does want all that, why would he want to drag his feet? I’m just don’t get it. Surely HE doesn’t want to be a dad with a baby in his mid forties, in an ideal world? Why postpone moving forwards at all if he wants those things?[/quote]
You've just answered your own question.

If someone says they want to settle down with you and have a family, and mean it, they do it.

He's told you a good story. His actions are showing what he really means. If you want something, you don't drag your feet. And you certainly don't kick off with the person you claim to want it all with when they try and make the situation you apparently "want" happen.

BackBackBack · 07/11/2021 12:34

[quote Oassthesalt]@Sillawithans I was 37 in October[/quote]
In which case definitely don't feel bad for pushing the issue.

He's told you that he loves you. He's told you that he wants to live with you and have children with you.

What's stopping him? Unless he doesn't actually want those things at all, in which case he needs to fuck off and stop wasting your time. Blunt, but there it is. Your fertility is finite.

HeartsAndClubs · 07/11/2021 12:34

And to be brutally honest, if someone shouted at me “it’s not exactly surprising that you’ve never found someone,” my retort would be “and what’s your excuse!”

It’s not ok to get nasty and essentially abusive just because you don’t get your own way. I don’t blame the bloke for not wanting to have a full-time relationship with someone like that.