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Relationships

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Original poster

Is he stringing me along about kids?

213 replies

Query3 · 05/11/2021 17:37

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 05/11/2021 17:46

That pregnancy comment was not nice.

And you don't want to move on or have kids with someone who makes you feel insecure op, that's for sure.

Out of interest op...has he form for smirking?
How else has he made you feel insecure? Or is it difficult to pinpoint?

Pinkbonbon · 05/11/2021 17:47

*move in

Original poster

Query3 · 05/11/2021 17:57

@Pinkbonbon No smirking no and he is usually kind and considerate in other ways but talking about kids or future seems strained. I think the insecurity comes from not knowing where we are heading and wondering if we actually want the same things.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 05/11/2021 17:58

All depends on how old you both are.
You have only web dating for a year - and if you are both young, then all he is saying he isn’t sure yet and there is time. Which there is. In your 20s - one doesn’t necessarily have to know when they want kids.

If you are early/mid 30s - then he needs to realise that sometime very soon he’ll need to figure out his intentions, or let you get on with it.

If you are late 30s - I’d be insisting on an answer. And then marching to a sperm bank

Etinoxaurus · 05/11/2021 17:59

How old are you? It’s very relevant. If you’re both early 20s, it’s probably part and parcel of the next few years’ plans in his eyes.
Mid thirties and yes, he’s stringing you along.

Original poster

Query3 · 05/11/2021 18:01

I'm 37 and he's 39!

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 05/11/2021 18:04

Well you have to tell him what you want. 'I think it's time we start looking for a place to live in together now. Your lease runs out in February right? Let's look for a place for then'. Take charge. If he really isn't keen, he won't let it materialise and so, then you'll know its time to walk away. First things first discuss move in timeframe. Agree on a deadline. Take things from there.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/11/2021 18:06

You need to have a long talk with him and demand honesty. The very least he can do is be honest, if he can't be really honest then I'm afraid I'd be looking at having a child on my own.
I brought up a child on my own and it was fine.

Eddielzzard · 05/11/2021 18:08

Yes I think he is. It's a yes or no answer isn't it?! I mean living together is a plan, whether you want kids is quite fundamental. And his comment about you loving being pregnant in a negative way tells you everything really.

Original poster

Query3 · 05/11/2021 18:08

I have told him I don't have years left and he'll just repeat with the same line saying he does want kids but doesn't want to be rushed and it has to feel right and we'll have to live together first. But then not say when this might be etc. I can feel myself getting frustrated when we talk about kids because we don't seem to get anywhere. I don't want to rush things either, just want to know it could happen in the next couple of years. Otherwise we are not on the same page are we?

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 05/11/2021 18:09

And considering your ages I'd be looking for marriage to follow within 6 minths of moving in together. Then a baby. Get married first because men are much more likely to back out of a wedding than a baby - then you'll know they are fickle before having kids with them.

You see so much of it on here where men won't marry women they've already had kids with and just expect their partners to do all the parenting work.

Letsnotargue · 05/11/2021 18:11

My ex was like this. He always avoided the question, or said he wanted us to get married first. I wish he’d just said he didn’t want kids and then I’d have known where I stood. I left him and ended up with my lovely OH, but by this age kids aren’t really on the horizon anymore. I’ve made my peace with it but wish ex-H had been honest at the time so I could have made my informed decision. I’m forever grateful I didn’t have kids with him though - if I’d managed to convince him or we’d had a surprise - it would have been hell dealing with a baby with someone that wasn’t really interested.

RaisedByPangolins · 05/11/2021 18:11

@Query3

I'm 37 and he's 39!

Hmm well he’s a bit thick if he doesn’t realise that your view on having a baby is a bit different to his then. Nor wishing to be rude but at 37 you don’t have time to just wait and see. You need a proper plan. And a plan B in case plan A doesn’t work out.

Would you consider going it alone?

Bythemillpond · 05/11/2021 18:13

I think he is telling you he doesn’t want children without actually coming out with the words.

He wants you and I think he is hoping if he procrastinates for a few more years the decision will be taken out of your hands

If you want children then I wouldn’t waste any more time.

The “one day” is only possible in the next few years and not sometime in the distant future

Redlocks28 · 05/11/2021 18:13

I don’t think he wants kids with you, sorry

Original poster

Query3 · 05/11/2021 18:15

@Letsnotargue how did you know your ex didn't want kids in the end? How old are you now?

OP posts:

Toodlydoo · 05/11/2021 18:15

Don’t think he wants kids. Honestly i had my first at 37 and I am exhausted, if you want them and it’s a dealbreaker for you need to move on quickly.

MMmomDD · 05/11/2021 18:17

At 37 you need to be with someone who wants children, or freezing your eggs, or doing an IVF.
Being with someone who doesn’t know what he wants or when isn’t going to get you there.
Your bf can always wait for 5 years and leave and have kids with anyone. You can’t.

Life is all about choices, Make yours yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take them away. Which is what will happen very soon.

justmetoday · 05/11/2021 18:17

I think you’re wasting your time. It sounds like he’s putting it off hoping by the time you move in and he’s ready it’s too lye for you.

MachineBee · 05/11/2021 18:18

I’m afraid he’s stringing you along. I’d cut your losses and move on. The comment about your friends pregnancy is a huge red flag.

Original poster

Query3 · 05/11/2021 18:21

@Bythemillpond

I think he is telling you he doesn’t want children without actually coming out with the words.

He wants you and I think he is hoping if he procrastinates for a few more years the decision will be taken out of your hands

If you want children then I wouldn’t waste any more time.

The “one day” is only possible in the next few years and not sometime in the distant future

I'm so disappointed. I dated so much before we met trying to find someone compatible. I discounted anyone who said they didn't want children and when we met he made it clear he did. I know people change their minds but feel a bit cheated with it all. I've spent a year with this man and love him very much. I could/can see a future with him but I guess a different future to what he sees.

Can someone please explain why he was so mean with that pregnancy comment. I just don't understand why loving the thought of being pregnant was implied in such a critical way.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/11/2021 18:29

Because he wants you to say you could just be happy with him.

Suzi888 · 05/11/2021 18:33

“Can someone please explain why he was so mean with that pregnancy comment. I just don't understand why loving the thought of being pregnant was implied in such a critical way.”
It was a nasty thing to say in my opinion. He knows you want children and either-
he doesn’t ever.
-he doesn’t want them any time soon and knows he has plenty of time,

he doesn’t want them with you.

He sounds spiteful.

I’ve a friend whose DH always wanted children, he’s older than she is, she’s strung him along for years.

First they had to move. This move involved relocating to another country! Then she wanted a house not an apartment, then it had to be the right house, so they moved again. Then he had to wait until she had the right job, then along came covid! He’s still waiting and she is now in her 40’s, he’s in his 50’s and she has no intention whatsoever of having a baby, but keeps telling him… once covid is over and we’ve had a few holidays we will start. I can’t see it happening!

CecilieRose · 05/11/2021 18:34

I can never get over how many Peter Pans there are in the world. 39 and he's being vague about when he wants them? Won't make concrete plans at all or even give you a timeline? He's a timewaster, sorry. A year is long enough to know whether you see marriage (if you want it) and kids or not. I agree with others that he doesn't want kids and is stringing you along until it's too late. Unfortunately a lot of men really are that selfish - they know if they're upfront about not wanting kids, it will vastly thin their pool of partners, so they lie.

He was mean with that comment because he's a dick. He's mocking and chiding you for wanting something that's completely normal for you to want with the aim of making you feel like it's silly and pathetic. Sorry. A lot of men are just awful. I know how shit it is when you think they've found the One and they're just another asshole, but that's what's happened here.

I'd leave. He might come running back, realising what he's missing and all that, but his whole attitude about kids would really put me off. You probably still have time to meet someone else and have a baby but you have no time to hang about wasting time with this idiot.

Original poster

Query3 · 05/11/2021 18:35

@category12 ah get it! But I am happy with him and tell him. He has said in the past I want him just to have a baby. Ridiculous really, like I'd just choose anyone to have a baby with. I dated and was single for years before meeting him. I have told him many times I see us having a baby together because I haven't felt this way about anyone in years. But again, isn't this a distraction? His way of avoiding the topic? I want to be with someone I'm compatible with and shares the same life goals with me.

OP posts:

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