Is he stringing me along about kids?

[Query3]

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused

@anthurium thank you!

@anthurium feel free to write here if you want. I'd be interested to hear about the process too (might end up following down the same route).

@Query3 you seem lovely. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in the same position earlier this year, it broke my heart. I was so in love and happy but the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. He told me he wanted kids ‘in a few years.’ I said that was vague and at 39(!) he should have more of balanced view of this, especially as our careers were sorted and had homes etc.

I ended up pushing the issue of moving in and wanting a timeline, knowing deep down that he would in all likelihood drag his feet. But I needed to be sure before I ended it. I asked to move in, said if he loved me and I loved him then there was nothing stopping us progressing. He was reluctant and after 15 months together, seeing each other most nights, I just couldn’t bear the distance with him anymore. I ended it and told him clearly I didn’t want to end things but I needed a relationship that was developing and moving forwards.

For a few weeks I felt terrible. I still miss him and I still love him. But I know that it caused SO much angst being around him never really being sure what was going on or where things were going. And for that reason alone, I’m glad he’s gone. It’s fucking shit, PM me anytime if you want to chat.

Also, for what it’s worth, I don’t think he’s intentionally causing you to feel worried and anxious. But it’s the mark of an immature man (who I reckon is mature in other ways, which is why you went for him in the first place), who can’t be a grown up and get on with his life. A man who tells a woman he loves her and then delays and jokes about having kids…what does he expect? It’s cruel, if not intentional, and you deserve someone who can’t wait to share that with you, not some kid who at nearly 40 still has other priorities.

Have you considered saying you completely understand, and you're happy to get dating at the rate you're going, but you'll be having a sperm donor in the meantime. That way he has no responsibility for the baby but you don't miss out on having a child.

Might be worth considering.

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Have you considered saying you completely understand, and you're happy to get dating at the rate you're going, but you'll be having a sperm donor in the meantime. That way he has no responsibility for the baby but you don't miss out on having a child.

Might be worth considering.

Great suggestion. I was just going to say it.

Seems like a very reasonable compromise.
You'll be able to keep seeing him and have a baby and he doesn't have to have one. win win as they say.

I only know a few women who have done it as well as single adoption and none have any regrets about it.

Sounds like a crazy compromise how can you be a relationship with someone who had a baby to care for and not be affected!
It would totally alter the relationship even if he was entirely separate from the baby!

There is a technique you may want to apply to this. It’s like the 5 whys.
You ask why and after he answers you ask the next why. It can really dig down onto what his issue is and can expose some things maybe he is thinking but not expressing.

My opinion reading your posts is that he really likes you and doesn’t want that to change or be directed away from what you have with things changing. Even if this is moving in and marriage and kids. Some people do just like to stand still in the moment - but get comfortable there and don’t grow to the next step. I don’t know if this is happening here but it could be?

Does your boyfriend feel worried if you had what you really wanted you would not want/need him any more?

How would you feel if you stay with this guy and when he is 46 he decides he wants children and it's too late for you?

Something like that happened to two friends of mine. Their husbands would say "not yet, not right now, it's not the right time" until they were in their 40s and it wasn't possible anymore. Then a few years later the dude would suddenly up and leave and marry a 30-year-old and have kids right away.

He doesnt want kids. Not with you anyway. He might change his mind but it will be too late for you

Personally I'd ditch him.

[quote Query3]@anthurium feel free to write here if you want. I'd be interested to hear about the process too (might end up following down the same route).[/quote]
@Query3

Question by JacieSmithw:

"How do you go about choosing sperm? My personal thing would be that I’d want the child to be able to contact the donor. Is that possible in the uk? I’ve tried to look into it but it’s not as easy to find the info online as you’d assume!"

OK, what's really important to distinguish here is whether you've decided to go down the regulated (clinic) route or non regulated route (so finding a donor privately via online platforms or in real life etc).

I can only comment on the the regulated route (via a licensed clinic). Another thing that's important to be aware of is that if you're having treatment in the UK and via a licensed clinic and sperm bank, the donor anonymity will be lifted when the child turns 18 (following a law on lifting donor anonymity in April 2005). The child nor you cannot have access to the donor's identifiable information from the sperm bank before the child turns 18. It's been reported that some families/children are trying to find out information sooner via ancestry/DNA websites but this has nothing to do with the clinic/sperm bank. You have the option of using a UK sperm bank or one from abroad (best to check with your clinic and they are likely to advise which clinics they tend to work with).

If the donor is an ID Release Donor, which they will have to be if you're having treatment in the UK (UK legal requirement) your child can, when he/she turns 18, contact the sperm bank and receive identifying information about them which they can then use to try to contact the donor. The identifying information is the donor's full name, address and date of birth. Although the donor has agreed to be contacted, no sperm bank can guarantee or check whether the donor has changed his mind or whether he is contactable when the child reaches the age of 18. There are also no guarantees that the donor would still be alive by the time the child becomes old enough to seek contact with the donor.

I've found this on one of the sperm banks FAQ and it is important consideration:

"The donor might not be what your child imagined or hoped for. [Or what YOU have imagined them to be]. A lot can happen in 18+ years, and he may have a completely different life now than at the time of his donations. Talk to your child about their expectations and the possibility of the donor being someone completely different."

In addition, from HEFA (Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority):

If you’re having treatment at a licensed fertility clinic in the UK, your donor will have no legal rights or responsibilities to any children born with their sperm, eggs or embryos. This means:

-They will have no legal obligation to any children conceived from their donation.
-They won’t be named on the birth certificate.
-They won’t have any rights over how the child will be brought up.
-They won’t be required to support the child financially.

Furthermore, are you willing to be transparent about the donor/conception process? Not all families/single woken are. If you are transparent, you also don't know how your own child would feel about wanting contact with the donor, they may not want to know more than beyond that they were donor conceived but some may want to try and establish contact. I think this is also as much their decision as it might be yours, some women believe it should be entirely the child's decision, others not.

Useful resources that I have used when weighing up my decision:

• HEFA website (Human Embryology and Fertility Authority) for the UK for unbiased clinic information/statistics etc.
• Donor Conception Network (charity network of over 2,000, mainly UK-based, families with children conceived with donated sperm, eggs or embryos, those thinking about or undergoing donor conception procedures and donor conceived people).
• Mel Johnson (podcasts/fb) for personal/anecdotal story.
• Donor conception/Infertility forums on MN (anecdotal info).
• Infertility friends website (anecdotal info).

I hope this helps !

@anthurium wow, thank you for the detailed post. I have many questions and will send you a DM!

How's it going OP?