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Original poster

Is he stringing me along about kids?

213 replies

Query3 · 05/11/2021 17:37

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused Confused

OP posts:
Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 08/11/2021 02:14

At 39 and a year into a relationship I would think he would know whether he wants to be with you. If he doesn't want to commit to even moving in together then I think you have your answer. He is stringing you along. If you want to you should ask him to move in together and if he says no then say you are at different times in your life you're not compatible and you are breaking up with him.

A friend of mine at 36 and her partner 40 broke up.last year, after 20 years together, they realise they wanted different things out of life. Dont have regrets and leave it too late.

HotPeppasauce2 · 08/11/2021 05:40

I'm totally shocked about your ages OP. From your first post I expecting you and your OH to be 20s or something.

Yes he is stringing you along to be blunt. I feel for you as you have invested your time. At least you haven't been dating him too long.

I would leave ASAP. Good luck OP.

HotPeppasauce2 · 08/11/2021 05:46

@Buttonitboris

I've only read your OP. From what I can see, he asked you to put your cards on the table and you weren't honest about what you really want.
I agree with this too. I think you need to be assertive OP because on MN it's hard to read a situation properly sometimes.

"One day" isn't enough OP I think you missed the boat but you should of been clear and said well at my age I am in a bit of a rush!

Evelyn52 · 08/11/2021 05:50

He's 39, he's definitely stringing you along, if the want kids get out now

Summersnake · 08/11/2021 06:13

I don’t think he’s going to give you what you want .I think you will be in same situation in 5 years

invisiblecats · 08/11/2021 06:53

@Query3

We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before Confused
You need to start being really clear with him.

Does he understand that you don't have the luxury of waiting until he's "in the right place" because of your age.

You need a solid plan for when you are going to start TTC (and it needs to be pretty soon) or for the relationship to end so you can try to find someone who does want DC.

He's messing you around.

Snog · 08/11/2021 08:37

Does he really have no idea that women are on ticking body clock to conceive?
Or does he just not care about this fact?

OP I'm sorry but you have your answer. You need commitment, he's not ready for it, or not with you anyway.

altmember · 08/11/2021 14:39

I can't believe the number of posters saying he's a time waster and stringing the OP along. They've only been seeing each other for a year, and they haven't even tried living together yet. If someone came on here saying their partner of a year was pushing for a decision on starting a family together soon, the advice would probably be that they're love bombing and to back right off.

But at the same time a 40 year old bloke ought to know by now whether he wants kids or not. Him saying he's oen to the idea is very likely saying he's not that interested but if an amazing woman came along he could be persuaded. He's entitled to take as long as he needs to decide if he's with the right woman or not. It's unfortunate that that doesn't fit with the OPs body clock. But at worst she's only lost a year, it's not like he's strung her along for a decade and still can't decide.

HotPeppasauce2 · 08/11/2021 14:50

@altmember

I can't believe the number of posters saying he's a time waster and stringing the OP along. They've only been seeing each other for a year, and they haven't even tried living together yet. If someone came on here saying their partner of a year was pushing for a decision on starting a family together soon, the advice would probably be that they're love bombing and to back right off.

But at the same time a 40 year old bloke ought to know by now whether he wants kids or not. Him saying he's oen to the idea is very likely saying he's not that interested but if an amazing woman came along he could be persuaded. He's entitled to take as long as he needs to decide if he's with the right woman or not. It's unfortunate that that doesn't fit with the OPs body clock. But at worst she's only lost a year, it's not like he's strung her along for a decade and still can't decide.

Maybe your following another thread.

A poster (can't remember which one stated a comment). Along the lines of... OPS boyfriend has done well up until now not to have children so far!...so he is not daft!

And others mentioned it will be hard to find a man with no kids (considering most people have children at that age). So you need to add these 2 crucial points together ...

It's not unreasonable to set a time frame at nearly 40. OP is not 30 that is exactly why posters asked for the ages... posters have given advice based upons OPS age.

SunshineCake1 · 08/11/2021 17:00

Some of these comments are making me feel like the bloke is being used for a baby.

BackBackBack · 08/11/2021 17:15

@SunshineCake1

Some of these comments are making me feel like the bloke is being used for a baby.
Or he's using the OP for sex and the girlfriend experience, knowing full well that she wants and committed relationship and children.
TopCatsTopHat · 08/11/2021 17:47

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

I don't think I'd feel sure a person was to be the parent of my child after only knowing them one year. It isn't a long time to know a person well enough to be sure they were someone I wanted to raise a child with. I could say if I felt I did or didn't want kids but really don't think a year is long to know someone for such a big step. So I have some sympathy with him and don't think he is necessarily deliberately playing you. Sometimes a relationship is so secure early on that both parties feel they can fully and wholeheartedly commit to the entire package, other relationships are naturally just a bit more slow growing than that, which isn't necessarily a sign he is deliberately wasting your time.

The predicament is that you are at an age where unless both of you feel you can dive right in at this stage you might not get to be a mum, because it might turn out the relationship just needed to develop a bit more or it might turn out he is never going to want to take that step, or the relationship fizzles out naturally.

So I think the answer to your current confusion has to be whether you can afford to wait and see which this is.
He has been clear - in that he doesn't want to do kids now and isn't promising that he will later. The fact he won't rule it out as a possibility doesn't change that basic 'not now and no definite promises for later' position he has.
On that basis you can judge whether your desire to be a mum is so strong that you need to go ahead with that step solo to be sure you don't miss your chance, or whether you would rather risk it by sticking with him on a wait and see basis and could accept the door might close for you if the gamble didn't pay off.
So close the subject with him, you've got his position (in future maybe) now you weigh that up against how you feel (happy to gamble, not happy to gamble) and go from there.
If you don't want to be a mum solo then you will have to see if life takes you down that path or not. But solo looks like the only route to being able to actively try to conceive in the very near future.

This. We can't know his motives, whether he's a player or just doesn't feel you've known each other long enough, but you don't need to in order to be able to judge what he's offering (or not) and decide what to do on that basis.
PurpleOkapi · 08/11/2021 18:03

I don't think he's stringing you along. I think he's been quite clear that you're not on the same page. You're certain you want children, preferably soon. At best, he could take or leave them, and even then the starts have to all be aligned correctly before he might decide it's the right time. So no, he's not stringing you along. You're stringing yourself along.

PurpleOkapi · 08/11/2021 18:04

*stars, not starts

category12 · 08/11/2021 18:08

@SunshineCake1

Some of these comments are making me feel like the bloke is being used for a baby.
No, she just needs to know if he's on the same page about having children before her fertility window closes. A person needs to know if their potential life partner's long term goals align with their own.

If she was "using him for a baby" she'd be just after his sperm, wouldn't she? Hmm

TopCatsTopHat · 08/11/2021 18:21

But his desire to have children might be, perfectly legitimately, dependant on whether he meets the right lady and it would be understandable if he couldn't feel sure he had after only one year.
It is a understandable that op needs to know now but equally understandable that he may not be able to give her a clear answer. That could be cos he's careless with people's lives or not, we don't know.
Op is undeniably in a tricky position. It might all end happily ever after or it might not.

But op does know how powerful her wish to be a parent is and does know that giving her partner time is a gamble and should make her decision on that basis. The man doesn't have to be judges as villain or not. He's told her he isn't making any promises but might one day, that's clear enough, it's a maybe. That's all she needs to know. It's a (possibly never) maybe, is that enough? well that's what op needs to decide.

category12 · 08/11/2021 18:43

I think, given the time limitations for OP, he could make an effort to be more definitive.

He's said He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me.
This reads as he doesn't actively want children.

Then he went on to say He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything.
This just kicks the can along.

Then I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them.
Which is very nothing-ingy, vague and confusing.

Personally I think OP should listen to the first part where he's not actively interested in having kids, and because she is, she needs to either look at donor sperm etc while continuing the relationship if he wants to, or cut him loose and start loking elsewhere.

SunshineCake1 · 08/11/2021 20:07

@caregory. I know the OP wants a forever relationship with this guy but she seems more obsessed with having a baby than partner. She doesnt want him just for him.

PurpleOkapi · 08/11/2021 20:13

@TopCatsTopHat

But his desire to have children might be, perfectly legitimately, dependant on whether he meets the right lady and it would be understandable if he couldn't feel sure he had after only one year. It is a understandable that op needs to know now but equally understandable that he may not be able to give her a clear answer. That could be cos he's careless with people's lives or not, we don't know. Op is undeniably in a tricky position. It might all end happily ever after or it might not.

But op does know how powerful her wish to be a parent is and does know that giving her partner time is a gamble and should make her decision on that basis. The man doesn't have to be judges as villain or not. He's told her he isn't making any promises but might one day, that's clear enough, it's a maybe. That's all she needs to know. It's a (possibly never) maybe, is that enough? well that's what op needs to decide.

This. I don't understand why some on MN think a man can't ever legitimately be unsure about anything, or - God forbid! - change his mind about what he wants over the course of a year or more of dating someone. Nope, not possible. He must have been lying from the outset. And even it he was actually perfectly clear here, that's not enough: He knows that what he wants isn't exactly the same thing as what OP wants, so that makes it his responsibility - not hers! - to protect her from herself by preemptively ending the relationship regardless of whether she wants that or not.

It's quite sexist, really. I don't mean blaming men for everything, though that's sexist, too. I mean the underlying assumption that it's unfair to expect women to be able to figure it out on their own when a man is saying, clear as day, that he wants something different from what she wants. It's like we're all supposed to be perpetual children.

lostsea · 08/11/2021 20:18

OP - I am going through something similar with my current BF, the difference is, there is 10 years age difference between me and you so time is on my side. We've also been together a little bit less than you and your BF, and also each have DC. You don't have the luxury of time to 'see where this goes' or to 'revisit it in a few months.'

Honestly, most relationships I know, above the age of 25, they don't wait around to move in / get engaged / have children. If both parties know what they want, most have a committed relationship ( be that living together or children/pregnancy or engagement) by the 2 year mark. At the absolute maximum.

I think it's unfair of others to accuse you of being obsessed with having a baby. Of course she doesn't 'want him just for him', I always think that's a really silly statement. Everyone has life ambitions, goals, wants and needs... I firmly believe that if someone is 'The One', they will want the same things as you. You won't need to sacrifice your own wants, cajole them, make ultimatums about have children, things will just work. I can sympathise with you massively OP Flowers

Smiler79 · 08/11/2021 20:48

He’s a time waster. Lots of threads on here with men saying the same things when they know the woman is on a timescale which is made obvious early on.
I used to get rid of these quickly. As long as you’re wasting time with him you’re missing out on someone who is on the same page as you

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 21:20

[quote SunshineCake1]@caregory. I know the OP wants a forever relationship with this guy but she seems more obsessed with having a baby than partner. She doesnt want him just for him.[/quote]
Just like millions of humans who want to conceive children with their DP.

If they want DC, they need to ensure that the DP is fully on board. What's wrong with that?

OP feels she is being strung along, dozens on PP agree with her, & she simply does not have enough time left to risk staying with a DP who is deliberately obsfuscating giving out mixed messages about his desire to have children.

Original poster
Query3 · 08/11/2021 21:43

Reading all your posts... And I'm thankful of the recent ones from a male perspective too because men and women really don't operate in the same way. I also read a couple of other threads on here about woman wanting babies and replies saying the man should run for the hills and it's way too soon!! But they were younger. So does this mean because I am 37 the relationship and baby making should be rushed because it's all clocks ticking etc? I'm still very confused by it all. All the comments about him finding a younger woman or him not being into me, I just don't believe. He talks a lot about the future and makes plans in general just not about babies. If he wanted a younger model he could do that right now couldnt he? I've met all his friends and family so he's not stringing me a lot in that sense but perhaps with the baby topic.

Also all the posters saying I can leave and find someone else, like it's that's easy in late 30s meeting someone who is compatible, attractive, wants the same things in life etc and also wants babies. I know many of you mean well when you say get a donor but how many of you have actually experienced that?!

OP posts:
category12 · 08/11/2021 21:59

There are a couple of similar threads to yours running, or have been - and I'm sure a couple of posters talked about their experiences of going it alone with a donor.

I don't know OP - it's difficult for you.

I don't like his "open to having" rather than "definitely wants" kids.

Maybe one way forward for you would be getting a fertility check.

category12 · 08/11/2021 22:04

Because I think at 39, you ought to know if you definitely want kids, if it's in your lifeplan, even if it's not with your current partner.