Is he stringing me along about kids?

[Query3]

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused

@StillMedusa

At 37 your time is running out. Yes I know that plenty of women can and do have babies into their 40s...but statistically it is far less likely .

At best he's ambivelent and a proper sit down talk ( ie we start ttc NOW or it's the end) is needed... but he sounds like he's future faking, ..if he can hang on a bit longer the chances of a baby get slimmer and slimmer. That way he keeps you and it's not his fault....

I agree the poster should be making decisions to end this relationship on the grounds of ambiguity from her partner.

On another thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4392972-My-friend-has-basically-said-I-won-t-have-a-family? the Op was told she has plenty of time (she's 36) ....

It doesn’t sound like he is that interested in having children. I’d say he’s being very selfish given you’ve made it very clear you want a family. He has the luxury of more fertile years than you. It’s a tough one, OP, but I think you need to have a very honest chat/and/or walk away.

OP I was in my mid thirties at the time of my baby/marriage phobic ex and tbh I think I was more scared of being alone, than truly believing I’d met the ‘one’. Be very careful to really prioritise what YOU want in your head. I have known women who stayed with men like this till they had no chance of babies, man left and married and fathered children. I don’t say this to scare you, it’s just I have known it.

And be very careful when reading anything around fertility and age. There is no doubt there is a decline in quality of eggs as you age. I have known 42 year olds fall pregnant easily and I’ve known 37+ year olds wait years and spend thousands before they have their much loved babies. We all know ‘someone who…’ trouble is no one knows what fertility will look like for you. It’s not scaremongering it’s biological fact.

Put YOU and your dreams at the centre of your decision making. It might be hard now but your future self will thank you for it. I promise.

I agree with @Bythemillpond he is stringing you along, and (sorry for being very blunt) possibly waiting for something ‘better’ to come along. I’m sorry.

Oh op if you read threads on here then surely you have read the plenty of threads where the ops complain because they're partners say they may want kids one day given the circumstances are right, the stars align, ect ect and then they keep it up for a good 3 4 years down the line until the woman has wasted too much time in her relationship to leave or is too far in to get out. Then suddenly they hit it with the big "N.O." And by then it's too late. The woman has either wasted her maternal clock holding out on empty or vague promises and is left resenting her partner and herself for staying when nothing was clear.

You need to sit him down and say no beating around the bush you deserve a YES or a NO a year in for goodness sake! Then take it from there. Not to put pressure on either of you op but I'm sure you are aware neither of you are twenty and time isnt on your side.

He's been quite dishonest with you.

I don't think it would do any good to bring it up to him anymore as he will just lie and give you a non answer.

It wouldn't hurt to look into a sperm donor and see what is involved with that.

Don't let this guy mess with your life.

I don’t think he wants kids with you, sorry

I agree. OP I met, married and was pregnant all within two years at that age because we were on the same page and he knew I didn't have long left to become a mum. At mid 30s onwards there are men out there ready to commit who wouldn't want to risk your fertility and their chance of fatherhood with a vague someday...

My sense is he's not that fussed and believes in the concept of the one and you're not it. He thinks he could meet someone else and have kids later. Sorry though, this is shit!

@eyespywithmylittleeye that's a completely different situation. That woman is newly single and looking for a partner right now. The question is whether OP has several more years to waste with this man or not, or whether she should leave and do what that woman is doing - look for someone else.

[quote CecilieRose]@eyespywithmylittleeye that's a completely different situation. That woman is newly single and looking for a partner right now. The question is whether OP has several more years to waste with this man or not, or whether she should leave and do what that woman is doing - look for someone else.[/quote]
The situation might be different but they're only 12 months apart and the fertility advice vastly different - here Op is encouraged to explore donor sperm.

I think he was mean about the being pregnant comment as he knows how much you want to be pregnant and knows he has the power as to whether you get it or not. Except he doesn't. You should never give a man this much power. No man in the world is worth missing out on having children if you truly want them. He sees it as a bit of fun to sneer in my honest opinion. Leave.

Op, don’t waste your time with this guy. If you really want kids, you need to be decisive and find someone who wants the same as you.

Hi @Query3 I was in exactly the same situation as you, no commitment from the guy. I was very in love with him (still am). I left him after asking him very directly and outright about future plans.

If I’m honest, there’s been loads of tears. I feel very alone and sad and scared. But one thing surprised me… a weight has lifted. He was dragging me down. I felt so confused all the time, it was torture.

If he doesn’t want what you want, do right by yourself. It’s horrible, but you will be ok. (I managed it…And I’m very weak and pathetic with matters of the heart!)

@Query3

I'm gutted reading all these comments. I've invested so much time and energy in this relationship, really thought it was going somewhere. I've had many doubts about him being geniune on the kids front and I guess you have all confirmed it. The thing is other than this we get on so well and I haven't met anyone like him in years. Will be so difficult to walk away. Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

Honestly OP, you shouldn't have to browbeat a man into having DC, you really shouldn't. It sounds like you've had quite a few conversations already, to the point of discomfort.

After a year of being together, and given your ages, this man should really be clear on whether he sees a future with you which includes DC. The fact that he is being so hazy about it all, and actually rude about it in company should tell you all you need to know.

He either:

• doesn't want any DC at all
• doesn't want DC with you

I'd walk away from him with my head held high, and decide on what to do about DC once you've got rid of him.

I was engaged within six months of meeting DH married a year later and PG a few months later, I was 34 when I had DS. People know very quickly if they want to attempt a lifelong commitment. You haven’t even moved in together after a year. End it.

37 adn 39, he’s stringing you along. Any 39 year old
man should be able to work with a timeframe after a year of a relationship.

My husband to be told me he didn't want children. I told him that was a deal breaker for me. He told me that he'd rather have me and children and than no me and no children.

I'm sorry to say that I very much think
your dp is stringing you along in a very unfair way. I despise him on your behalf. I wouldn't waste another week on this man. I can't understand any posters saying to give him more time. You don't have time to waste on a 39 year old man who might want children one day. Dont be fobbed off with a ring either and no set date so he can waste more of your time while getting sex and shared expenses.

@Query3

I'm gutted reading all these comments. I've invested so much time and energy in this relationship, really thought it was going somewhere. I've had many doubts about him being geniune on the kids front and I guess you have all confirmed it. The thing is other than this we get on so well and I haven't met anyone like him in years. Will be so difficult to walk away. Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

You could reply that at 39 he should know if kids are (by his preference) on the cards for him or not, if yes the only question that remains is who with, if no then he shouldn't be wasting the time of someone who is very clear they want them and who he claims to love. So you can only assume he doesn't really want kids and its only saying it could be a possibility, (which has already changed from 'yes he does' when you first met) because he knows you are serious you want children and it would trigger you to choose. But by being a coward about being honest he is removing your ability to make choices based on truth which in the end could force you into an unwanted fete accompli - is that how he works? You would have more respect for him if he laid his cards on the table and said I don't want kids so will understand if you leave but if you stayed I'd be delighted! That would show love, courage, respect - this maybe maybe dance is showing none of that. 😔 If you were in your 20's it would make sense. At 39 it's just laughable. Dread to think what his midlife crisis is going to look like when he suddenly realises in his 40's that he's not getting any younger. I do know a couple (in their 60's) who are still happy together even though the wife really really wanted kids. He was very clear he never did, and said so before they married in their 20's. No one wants to meet a soul mate with very different life goals but it happens and then you make your choice. That can only happen if there's honesty about it though. I also know a couple who met at the same sort of age as you both and she was clear she didn't want the relationship unless he shared her goal of wanting kids. He wasn't keen but really wanted to be with her so he chose to follow her life choice. They got married with plans to have kids and did, he was a terrible father, not engaged with parenting and worked away from home as much as he possibly could. They're now divorced, she's rearing both kids alone though he does have them eow.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that life doesn't follow a script, some people meet a partner and by pure luck they're heading in the same direction, some don't meet anyone, some do but goals are different, some bend themselves out of shape to satisfy someone they love, that sometimes works out and sometimes doesn't.
We all have limited influence on whether we meet a life partner and are heading in the same direction. The only thing that we can do to maximise best outcome from the chance thing that is life is to be clear and honest both with ourselves about what you actually rang want and what you could accept successfully as worth doing to share a life together.
I'm not getting the impression your guy op is mature enough to recognise and do this. 😕

Honest both with ourselves and with our partner
That should say

At 39 he knows what he wants and it's not kids. You are wasting your time.

Male entitlement eh, isn't it great

Absolutely no regard or respect for your circumstances op, just happy stringing you along, having sex when he wants it, safe in the knowledge that one day he could meet a naive twenty-something another woman, knowing he has all the time in the world to do so. And all the while he's fucking about with your entire future.

Leave him, op. His lack of care and consideration should be enough. And his smirky comment... well, what a spiteful prick.

He has said in the past I want him just to have a baby
This in my opinion is just as bad if not worse than the comment about your friend’s pregnancy. Again it is evidence he is making fun of your desire to have a child, minimising it and trying to force you to agree that he is enough for you without a child.

I’m afraid I agree with everyone else. He’s wasting your time and if you definitely want a child you owe it to yourself to at least move on and try as hard as you can to make it happen. Please don’t believe him if you give him an ultimatum of sorts and he agrees to go ahead. I predict the next stage for someone like him would be a proposal followed by a wedding that keeps getting delayed for spurious reasons. He sounds spiteful and unpleasant anyway based on his comments. Good luck OP

Let's say he's truthful, he suddenly becomes ready and you move in together next month. Realistically you'll live together 6months and then get engaged. A year to plan wedding. You'll be at least 39. He doesn't seem likely that he'll be willing to try above and beyond normal so ivf etc probably won't be an option.
You need to decide how much kids mean to you and if you will be happy to never have them.

There’s that awful yet true saying - if he wants to be with you you will know if he doesn’t want to be with you you will feel confused.

I think the comment was nasty as it was patronizing and playing on your insecurities.
Having said that, a year isn't a very long time to know if you want children with someone.
Can you give him a time scale (no more than 3-6 months) and revisit the subject? I don't think he'll change his mind however unfortunately 😐 but if you really want to give him another chance you could try it.
You could look into freezing your eggs and going it alone. I know 2 women who have done this and they are happy with how things have turned out.
Good luck

You say that he is a good person, and in evry other respect all is good. So be bluntly honest with him along the lines if

' I love you and I love being with you. But I want to have children one day, which I have always been honest about. You said you did too, otherwise I wouldn't have dated you. I need you to be absolutely honest with me now - do you want to have children with me? And if yes, on what sort of timeframe? If no, then I'm sorry but we're over because a) I really want to have children and b) you've been stringing me along and lying.'