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Original poster

Is he stringing me along about kids?

213 replies

Query3 · 05/11/2021 17:37

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused Confused

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 05/11/2021 18:39

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure.

The fact you think this isn't great.

I met dh. First date after writing letters and talking on the phone for nine days. Spent 10 hours together and I then asked him if he wanted to get married and have kids. He looked shocked so I added didn't have to marry me! He said he did want marriage and kids. We then started dating as we both wanted the same things. Married now for 22 years and have children.

You have to start off wanting those things with someone even if you don't know if your new boyfriend or girlfriend is who you want them with.

If you felt he asked about you being pregnant in a negative way I'd be thinking that's another step away from this relationship.

SunshineCake1 · 05/11/2021 18:41

@Query3

I'm 37 and he's 39!
Bloody hell!

He makes you insecure and at this later age has no clue if he wants kids. I'd be walking.

category12 · 05/11/2021 18:42

[quote Query3]@category12 ah get it! But I am happy with him and tell him. He has said in the past I want him just to have a baby. Ridiculous really, like I'd just choose anyone to have a baby with. I dated and was single for years before meeting him. I have told him many times I see us having a baby together because I haven't felt this way about anyone in years. But again, isn't this a distraction? His way of avoiding the topic? I want to be with someone I'm compatible with and shares the same life goals with me.[/quote]
Yes, but he doesn't really want kids. Underneath it, he's angry that you want them.

WhoppingBigBackside · 05/11/2021 18:42

I don't think the comment was mean, more he was a bit tactless and thinks you are being broody.

I'd say to him that you want to get married and want at least one baby and you want to start trying.

If you want children, and he doesn't look at going it alone.

Josette77 · 05/11/2021 18:46

How long have you been dating?

Original poster
Query3 · 05/11/2021 18:49

@Josette77 one year!

OP posts:
Whadda · 05/11/2021 18:49

Yup, he’s stringing you alone.

Would also be concerned that his response to the “when” question would be about living together first and not about marriage.

Tiredofbs123 · 05/11/2021 18:49

If you’re not on the same page, please leave.

I wasted a few years on a man who claimed not to want kids. I was prepared to give up on it because I thought I ‘loved’ him. In retrospect I didn’t.

He left me (the relief was strange) and he was married with a baby within the year!

Tell him what you want, if he’s not on your page get out.

Women don’t have time to work out whether or not we can grow up enough to deal with parenthood. Men like this who steal woman’s chance to have children are a waste of time.

Original poster
Query3 · 05/11/2021 19:04

@Tiredofbs123 that's awful. Married to someone else and baby within the year?! Shock Did you have kids with someone else in the end?

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 05/11/2021 19:08

He’s 39, he’s had plenty of time to get ready. I’m sorry I think he’s definitely stringing you along.

CliffsofMohair · 05/11/2021 19:08

Life is all about choices, Make yours yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take them away

This should be on a t shirt.
OP I think it’s called ‘future faking’.

Tiredofbs123 · 05/11/2021 19:10

Yes and I love being a mum, it’s wonderful. When I met my husband I made my desire for children clear in the first few months and together we decided we were on the same pages.

I honestly see splitting up with that ex as one of the best things that happened to me. Weirdly at the time I felt a huge sense of relief, I think I knew that my desire to be in a relationship with him was preventing my long term dreams from happening. I was pleased the decision was taken out of my hands. If that makes sense.

Djifunrsn · 05/11/2021 19:13

I’d get rid of him. He has made nasty comments, verging on bullying. “You’d love it if you were pregnant” is pretty cruel, as is “you’re just with me for a baby”. He sounds immature for 39 and evasive with it.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/11/2021 19:15

He is stringing you along.

By late 30s people know what they want.

This guy does not want kids and he is not being honest with you because he wants you to stick around. Don’t fall for it

GettingItOutThere · 05/11/2021 19:17

he dosent want them.

You are 37? I dont mean to be rude OP but unless you know you can get pregnant I would be having a serious talk asap, or heading to the sperm bank to go it alone.

He does not sound serious. Nothing wrong with having that chat early on when you are in your late 30s.

He can have children for years and years yet, your window is closing

bevm72yellow · 05/11/2021 19:22

Your partner is using it as a " tool of negotiation "....like a child who wants sweets. He is getting all his needs met.....company, status of being in a relationship, adoration from you. He can have a child at any time with anybody. The fact you want a baby and odds drop with age for women puts him in a position of power. It is not to do with " love". And having a baby or child on your own would be hard but few regret the decision. Having your biological child or adopting a child as you can even if single is life changing in a good way.

Starseeking · 05/11/2021 19:22

I had a similar situation with my EXDP, though related to marriage. We were together 7 years, engaged after 2, and he strung me along for the next 5 years.

Being older I didn't have time to wait until being legally married to have DC, so had a cultural ceremony and 2 DC during those 5 years, which only gave him more reason to delay!

Left him when he suggested waiting until our 10 year cultural ceremony celebration to do the legal one. I accepted it wasn't going to happen at that point and left him. The sense of relief was immense! I've not met anyone else yet, but I still believe in love, and value myself over some man who doesn't.

Value yourself over this time waster OP.

StillMedusa · 05/11/2021 19:24

At 37 your time is running out. Yes I know that plenty of women can and do have babies into their 40s...but statistically it is far less likely .

At best he's ambivelent and a proper sit down talk ( ie we start ttc NOW or it's the end) is needed... but he sounds like he's future faking, ..if he can hang on a bit longer the chances of a baby get slimmer and slimmer. That way he keeps you and it's not his fault....

Mamabear188473 · 05/11/2021 19:29

From the sounds of it he might just want to be in a more stable situation you have only dated a year? That’s not a long time if he’s not ready

Shitapillar · 05/11/2021 19:33

Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me.
This is the sentence that stood out to me. This is clearly telling you he doesn't want kids, he just wants you. He sees you wanting kids as an indication that he is not enough for you alone. So yes, he will be spiteful and unkind when pregnancy is brought up.
This is not the man for you, kids or no kids. Because ultimately he is selfish and is prepared to string you along until your chances for motherhood have run out.

Original poster
Query3 · 05/11/2021 19:35

I'm gutted reading all these comments. I've invested so much time and energy in this relationship, really thought it was going somewhere. I've had many doubts about him being geniune on the kids front and I guess you have all confirmed it. The thing is other than this we get on so well and I haven't met anyone like him in years. Will be so difficult to walk away. Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

OP posts:
Froglette16 · 05/11/2021 19:40

OP, if you really want a baby, this is not the guy to be with. You’re running out of time. We started trying before we were married. Took 6 years and 3 disappointments before our first DC was a positive test that stuck. I was 40 then. 41 when DC arrived. Please think of yourself first. I know it’s scary, but might be worth looking for a new partner. One who really wants what you do. Sending a massive hand hold. ❤️

Dontbeme · 05/11/2021 19:40

Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

So he operates outside the realm of human biology does he? Look OP you're 37, time is not on your side I would be investigating what it would be like to go it alone either by donor or adoption. This man is 39, he must have some idea of what he wants, he is just not being honest about it, either he knows he never wants kids or he knows he never wants kids with you and is just waiting it out until his preferred option wanders into his life. Don't let anyone waste your opportunities for what will make you happiest.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 05/11/2021 19:43

I'm so sorry OP. From reading this thread I think you'll be really kicking yourself if you let this slide. It's awkward AF but I think were it me I'd be telling him I need to leave even though I love him because having children soon is really important to me. This might give him a kick up the bum, but be prepared that it might not and it might be the end.

On the age front, I'm the same age as you and many of my friends are currently pregnant and got so easily.

peppersauce1984 · 05/11/2021 19:47

A year isn't very long in relationship terms really, but my now dh and I knew pretty soon on what we wanted in terms of a shared future- which involved kids. At 37 you don't really have time. I started trying at 26 (right after getting married) and found out I was infertile, so needed ivf. Have 1dc now but couldn't have anymore.

I think if I was in your position I would have to lay my cards on the table and give him 6 months to make his mind up. I would've been prepared to walk away.