Is he stringing me along about kids?

[Query3]

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused

Sorry but I agree with other posters - it very much sounds like he is stringing you along.

@Query3

We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before

He doesn't have a strong desire. That tells you everything you need to know. I think he's kidding himself that he's open to it.

He's open to it because with the love of his life he'll have kids. He isn't that into you OP.

He’s stringing you along. He’s saying the bare minimum to keep you with him.

All he has to do to ‘not’ have kids is exactly what he’s doing. To ‘have’ kids, he - and. You - would have to be much more active in making it happen and mewing whatever conditions he sets. Your window for having kids is a lot smaller than his, has he acknowledged this at all?

If you truly want children, at your age, I think you should dump your BF. and look into ways of having a baby by yourself.

Open to kids isn't really enough. Being vague and fluffy is really not helpful of him.

Did you put any time scales to him? Eg. I'd like to be living together in 6 months, and all being well, TTC this time next year (or whatever).

I'm so sorry this is happening. How exhausting. One of the happiest mothers I know is my friend who went ahead and had a baby on her own with a sperm donor. Twice. They're the most gorgeous family and it is so absolutely what she was meant to do, after years of being strung along in long term relationships. She earns well and has blissful independence from shilly-shallying manchildren.

A pp framed what is happening to you as 'future faking' -spot on!

I always think this is man-speak for “when the 21yo hot supermodel comes along and decides what she really wants is a 39yo from instead of a billionaire oligarch with a yacht I will be keen to father kids with her”.

They overlook the fact that their ordinary blokes who aren’t going to get the young trophy wife.

@Query3

We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before

Argh, walk away if you want children. Stay if you’re prepared to risk it.

This is exactly what he’s saying between the lines.

The ‘maybe we’ll get a place together to live’ is dragging his feet.

I totally get the fear of being alone and thinking you’ve found someone after years of (rubbish) dating. Honestly I really get that, but don’t let your fear make you beholden to this man. There is a different way to a family. A close friend did donor spend and had twin girls. She has since met a lovely man. Having her babies meant the pressure was off her to find a man who fitted into her family

Sperm but spend works!

@SunshineCake1

Is he really worth all this needless angst?

I think you'll find too that for feckless fathers children are not a life long commitment. Many find it easy to walk away without a backwards glance if they did not want the child, don't care or have other things they want to sound their time and money on.

This is all true. Having a baby should be a commitment, but isn't.

Honestly, if you want a baby I'd just go for it. He clearly isn't willing to give you any kind of certainty, and you don't have long to wait. If a baby is your priority, don't miss out on your chance of that because a 39 year old in a fairly new relationship was faffing.

But don't get pregnant by him!

Yep, Tired, such a good point about pressure being off, and your friend having time and space to find a suitable partner.

I suppose my ideal would be to find someone who also wants a child as much as I do but maybe men like this in their late 30s are rare?

Unfortunately yes you are right - men of 39 who don't have children but really want them, are few and far between. He has got to this age without ever becoming a father, which tells you that he probably doesn't want to be one. That's why he is waffling on when you ask him - he likes being with you but he isn't on the same page as you are.

If you want children you need to get rid of him and find someone who actually does want them , or go down the sperm donation route . Good luck .

Is this something you are talking about a lot? Just looking at things a different way, maybe he does but if you have been very vocal about wanting them he could be feeling that you are wanting him just because you want children, rather than you love HIM.

Just a thought!

[quote Query3]@category12 ah get it! But I am happy with him and tell him. He has said in the past I want him just to have a baby. Ridiculous really, like I'd just choose anyone to have a baby with. I dated and was single for years before meeting him. I have told him many times I see us having a baby together because I haven't felt this way about anyone in years. But again, isn't this a distraction? His way of avoiding the topic? I want to be with someone I'm compatible with and shares the same life goals with me.[/quote]
I would start packing my things.

When he asks why, tell him that he has made it clear that he thinks you're only with him to have a baby. And you can't be with someone who thinks so little of you and makes such appalling comments like 'you're only with me to have a baby' or 'you'd love to be pregnant right now'.

It sounds like he's stringing a lot. An intelligent 39 year old man dating a 37 year old woman surely knows that time is a serious consideration if you want to have children.

You've been dating a year. At your ages, you either know or you don't about each other as individuals, as you've both been alive and dating long enough to know what you want, what you don't want, and you two get along and approach life. (I wouldn't say the same thing about people in their 20s. It is different in your mid to late 30s.)

I know someone who decided to just go ahead and have children on her own. She has 2 now, sperm donor, and she has blissfully happy about it.

@Fluffycloudland77

I always think this is man-speak for “when the 21yo hot supermodel comes along and decides what she really wants is a 39yo from instead of a billionaire oligarch with a yacht I will be keen to father kids with her”.

They overlook the fact that their ordinary blokes who aren’t going to get the young trophy wife.

I shouldn't laugh at this but I did because it's so true.

Gary from Billericay is hanging on for the LA-based instagram influencer of his dreams who is 20 years younger than him, rather than the woman he's sitting next to on the sofa in front of Strictly.

@Query3

We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before

He's stringing you along @Query3

He knows you've been up front and clear from the start and that he's changed the goalposts - his way of shifting the blame is to gaslight you into being a crazy woman who is desperate for a baby. Hence the sneering comment about you wanting to be pregnant as if that's a crazy and unreasonable thing to want. He's mentally painting you as a desperate woman trying to trap him into a baby

He won't tell you he doesn't want a baby because he knows he's mislead you and doesn't want to own up to that. Much easier to keep stringing you along whilst you get increasingly frustrated and then he can blame your 'desperation' for the ultimate breakdown of this relationship.

It's cowardly and disrespectful

He has a huge opinion of himself.

If he was into you, you'd know, he's really not, that's why you are confused.

There is however no need to be confused, he's very obviously told you he hasn't a notion of having children any time soon.

Up to you if you want to accept that and waste a couple more years.

I am sorry you are dealing with this it must be so upsetting.I suggest you tell him calmly that having a child soon is very important to you and as he is not making any positive moves towards this you sadly must part as time is not on your side.You say you have a good career and earn more than him youhave your own home so you have choices.You will become very unhappy if you stay with him and resentful.He is either unsure he wants to be with you or can’t make decisions that s who he is.Take care and look after yourself.

Waltzingbetty has it exactly right…

I don't think I'd feel sure a person was to be the parent of my child after only knowing them one year. It isn't a long time to know a person well enough to be sure they were someone I wanted to raise a child with.
I could say if I felt I did or didn't want kids but really don't think a year is long to know someone for such a big step.
So I have some sympathy with him and don't think he is necessarily deliberately playing you.
Sometimes a relationship is so secure early on that both parties feel they can fully and wholeheartedly commit to the entire package, other relationships are naturally just a bit more slow growing than that, which isn't necessarily a sign he is deliberately wasting your time.

The predicament is that you are at an age where unless both of you feel you can dive right in at this stage you might not get to be a mum, because it might turn out the relationship just needed to develop a bit more or it might turn out he is never going to want to take that step, or the relationship fizzles out naturally.

So I think the answer to your current confusion has to be whether you can afford to wait and see which this is.
He has been clear - in that he doesn't want to do kids now and isn't promising that he will later. The fact he won't rule it out as a possibility doesn't change that basic 'not now and no definite promises for later' position he has.
On that basis you can judge whether your desire to be a mum is so strong that you need to go ahead with that step solo to be sure you don't miss your chance, or whether you would rather risk it by sticking with him on a wait and see basis and could accept the door might close for you if the gamble didn't pay off.
So close the subject with him, you've got his position (in future maybe) now you weigh that up against how you feel (happy to gamble, not happy to gamble) and go from there.
If you don't want to be a mum solo then you will have to see if life takes you down that path or not. But solo looks like the only route to being able to actively try to conceive in the very near future.

Unfortunately for you, reality is that most men will baulk when a woman starts talking about having kids early in a relationship (as in within a couple of years). It's the biggest red flag for a man, especially when the subject gets brought up repeatedly.
He doesn't have a 'body clock', so doesn't feel the same time constraints, even if he's aware of yours. The fact he's saying he does want kids, just not yet is about the most positive answer you'll get out of a man 12 months into a relationship. The only thing you could try is agreeing some sort of timescale for when to start trying - "do you think you'll be ready in X years, if things are going well with us?"

@altmember

Unfortunately for you, reality is that most men will baulk when a woman starts talking about having kids early in a relationship (as in within a couple of years). It's the biggest red flag for a man, especially when the subject gets brought up repeatedly. He doesn't have a 'body clock', so doesn't feel the same time constraints, even if he's aware of yours. The fact he's saying he does want kids, just not yet is about the most positive answer you'll get out of a man 12 months into a relationship. The only thing you could try is agreeing some sort of timescale for when to start trying - "do you think you'll be ready in X years, if things are going well with us?"

"do you think you'll be ready in X years, if things are going well with us?"

I even think these questions where one person is trying to ascertain the actions of another in some nebulous future is difficult to rely on seriously.

Again, they could say yes to it now and roll on X years, the other person could have easily changed their mind. Because life is unpredictable. Op could either risk it by assuming what was said now would apply in X amount of years.

For me, that would be too of an insecure answer - too much risk/life being open to all sorts of changes.

Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

Well he's right there. It doesn't work that way despite what people on MN might say.

2 people could meet and be on the same page at the start that what they're looking for is the person they want to settle down with and hopefully start a family.

But the relationship still has to develop naturally first and be enjoyed for what it is before that is generally going to happen.
If someone isn't ready to have a baby they can't accurately predict a timeline for when they will actually be ready.

"I'll be ready in 6 months to try for a baby"...makes no sense when it comes to emotional readiness, because no one knows what they will feel like at a certain time!

@Query3

I'm 37 and he's 39!

Oh FFS - yes, he is stringing you along.

When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not.

Twat. You are different in that he can have kids anytime in the next few decades. You cannot.

I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

You are right. He claims not to be a planner, but has devised a splendid plan whereby all he needs to is keep you hanging on for 2 - 5 years & you won't be able to have kids.

The smirking is nasty, as was his remark.
Fair enough if he said "I'll be ready in 5 years, but not before."
You could then make your own decision, based on honesty & proper care for each other's wishes.
But he's being dishonest.

If you told him "my bio clock is running down, & I want to TTC in 6 months, no later" - how would he respond, do you think?