Is he stringing me along about kids?

[Query3]

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused

@shivermetimbers77

Good luck OP, I know it’s hard and upsetting but please don’t despair: you have choices and options. Speak to him today and see what he says, if he doesn’t step up then you have the option of finding someone else, or having a baby/adopting as a solo parent . I know several women who have chosen to solo parent and I’m not saying it’s always easy but they are very pleased they did it. One friend had a baby alone and then met a partner later and they are all very happy together. Good luck!

Just going to bring my real experience here as it's relevant to @shivermetimbers77

I'm a solo mother by choice (via IVF and a sperm donor). Aged 38/39 and following what I'd now describe as a very nice 'situanship' with someone for 2 years, lots of love but unfortunately we were at different stages of our lives. I'd decided the best course of action for me was to take control and focus on treatment/conceiving, so not to be dating/looking for a new partner. I was too exhausted by it all by that point. I spent time re working the 'paradigm' of meet/cohabit/get married/have children. In was married in my 30s and have no desire to do that again (merge finances etc). Once I'd made up my mind it became easier to navigate the next steps. I'm extremely fortunate in that I was successful on my first try (was given less than 30% chance) and I also have several embryos in the freezer. Really really lucky as IVF stats globally have a failure rate of 70%. I'm now 34 weeks pregnant and am due to give birth next month.

I'm looking forward to dating again when the time is right (and once I've settled in to parenting) and actually think it might even be fun, rather than the slog/dread/despair I'd experienced before when I was looking for a partner to have a family with. I certainly wasn't going to allow any man to rob me of my opportunity to be a parent.

What do you want more: a partner or a child? As both may not be possible in your required time frame.

anthurium how did you manage it alone, with your job, finances etc?

He is going to string you along until your eggs time out.

@layladomino

You say that he is a good person, and in evry other respect all is good. So be bluntly honest with him along the lines if

' I love you and I love being with you. But I want to have children one day, which I have always been honest about. You said you did too, otherwise I wouldn't have dated you. I need you to be absolutely honest with me now - do you want to have children with me? And if yes, on what sort of timeframe? If no, then I'm sorry but we're over because a) I really want to have children and b) you've been stringing me along and lying.'

This is no good as he isn't a decent bloke and it won't make him be honest. He'll just say what he needs to to get the OP to stay with him. He'll give you the bare minimum @Query3... think about that.

I'm pretty sure this man is not so amazing he is worth giving up the chance to have kids.

Talking to a friend this week, she is 30 years on from her dh saying he didn't want kids. She'll never forgive him and she'll carry that sadness for ever.

You have a chance. Fucking use it.

considering your ages I'd be looking for marriage to follow within 6 months of moving in together. Then a baby. Get married first because men are much more likely to back out of a wedding than a baby - then you'll know they are fickle before having kids with them

Superb advice right here

@cocochanel99

anthurium how did you manage it alone, with your job, finances etc?

@cocochanel99

I don't have any family nearby but they have been 100% behind me. My mother & sister lives in a different city/country to me but won't be able to help in emergencies. I have a good friend locally who I could rely on, but I am doing this on my own more or less. I'd consider myself resilient and resourceful so will work out issues as I go along (as do some single parents who don't have lots of help).

No NHS help is offered to females so everything had to be done privately. I've used a combination of savings/% credit card to pay for my treatment/IVF medication/sperm. I work full time/permanent and will qualify for enhanced pay and SMP at work. I have a mortgaged flat. It's going to be a challenge no doubt but they sacrifice is worth it.

Many clinics offer payment schemes which spread out this cost, but I didn't do that as PAYE suited me. It all depends how many rounds you end up needing etc. I was lucky it all came under 7k. Manageable and repayable.

I hope this helps!

What about looking after the baby? Night feeds? Zero help?

cocochanel99

What about looking after the baby? Night feeds? Zero help

I did every single night feed for both dc even though I had a Dh. I don’t think Dh changed a single nappy.
I had Zero help even when Dh was fleetingly at home. If anything it was easier without him around

No family, no friends and in a new town a hundred miles from where we had been living (not that I had friends there either. Whole other story)

@Puzzledandpissedoff

considering your ages I'd be looking for marriage to follow within 6 months of moving in together. Then a baby. Get married first because men are much more likely to back out of a wedding than a baby - then you'll know they are fickle before having kids with them

Superb advice right here

Is it good advice though? I never asked about marriage and don't even believe in it yet many posters saying I should put pressure on him to marry me. I know a lot of you will say if offers protection etc but I have more money than boyfriend and earn much more than him. Anyone can also get divorced at any time. Children are a life long commitment. It is not the same for marriage these days.

Also he has never doubted our future. He talks about our future all the time, says he wants to be with me etc but fails to speak about children. Therefore, I could marry him but this won't magically bring me children with him as his views will be the same.

@cocochanel99

What about looking after the baby? Night feeds? Zero help?

@cocochanel99 Correct, there will be zero help.

Still, a lot better than being bitter/resentful/seething and back on to dating apps looking for the 'one 'aged 39. Or worse, settling for someone I'd not touch with a bargepole in my 20s.

It sounds like he is stringing you along because his needs are being met and he doesn't care that yours might not be (with regards to having DC)

To be honest, at your age you don't have time to mess about so either you have a child with him or you dump and move on.

We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before

@Bythemillpond

cocochanel99

What about looking after the baby? Night feeds? Zero help

I did every single night feed for both dc even though I had a Dh. I don’t think Dh changed a single nappy.
I had Zero help even when Dh was fleetingly at home. If anything it was easier without him around

No family, no friends and in a new town a hundred miles from where we had been living (not that I had friends there either. Whole other story)

Thank you for your contribution @Bythemilpond

I've heard single/partnered women say similar regarding the nights/feeding.

As for looking after the baby @cocochanel99

I'm off for 6 months only so the baby will be going to the local nursery full time.

Is he really worth all this needless angst?

I think you'll find too that for feckless fathers children are not a life long commitment. Many find it easy to walk away without a backwards glance if they did not want the child, don't care or have other things they want to sound their time and money on.

He is too wishy-washy.

@anthurium congratulations on your pregnancy. When was the turning point for you to decide donor route. How has it been so far, without a partner? I suppose my ideal would be to find someone who also wants a child as much as I do but maybe men like this in their late 30s are rare?

I never asked about marriage and don't even believe in it

That's absolutely your choice to make of course, but I doubt it'll matter since I can't quite see him going with it even if you were keen. As with the DC issue, talking about it is one thing and following through quite another

It's called "future faking" on here, where they say whatever will keep you on the hook, while hedging their bets in case something better comes along (and if it does, they'll often get married and start a family with surprising speed)

And frankly, you sound as if you deserve much better ...

@cocochanel99

What about looking after the baby? Night feeds? Zero help?

Most men are zero help anyway reading mumsnet. i don't know any friends partners who did night feeds. I was lucky I had a calm happy baby who slept a lot.

More stringing stringing stringing along. A respectful caring man would commit to thinking about a more concrete timeline and talking again next week knowing the clock is against you.

“ It's called "future faking" on here, where they say whatever will keep you on the hook, while hedging their bets in case something better comes along (and if it does, they'll often get married and start a family with surprising speed)”

Yes this. Exactly this. I was strung along for five years (age 30-35) by a guy who had no problem telling me on our first date that he was keen on marriage and trying for children immediately. This enthusiasm gradually petered out over time to “before I was 40”. So happy we split up! And yes it took him just a couple of weeks before he’d moved onto a younger version of me who is now his wife and mother of his child.

Oh please OP, stop being confused by him being 100% crystal clear, he has zero interest in having children with you.

The only confusion is exactly how much time it will take for you to believe what he is clearly telling you.

Move on.
Stop wasting your time.

Accept the truth of what he has said.
He really isn't interested in children.

@Query3

We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before

"Open to having children" is not good enough. He either wants them or he doesn't. I guarantee that if you find somewhere to live and move in together, he still won't be ready to have children (soon but not yet). In the meantime another year will have gone by. Ask again - there will be another excuse, and another year will have gone by.

Don't fall into the trap of letting him steal your fertile years from you. Your fertility is finite but his is not - he could string you along until it's too late, and then fuck off and knock up the next 30 y/o he meets. I've seen it happen.

Bin him. If he is at all serious then being told the relationship is over because he won't commit, will force him to face up to the fact that he needs to go all in or walk away. Do not, under any circumstances, agree to a vague and nebulous unspecified point in the future. If he does this then he is future faking you and you need to cut him off and block him.

[quote Query3]@anthurium congratulations on your pregnancy. When was the turning point for you to decide donor route. How has it been so far, without a partner? I suppose my ideal would be to find someone who also wants a child as much as I do but maybe men like this in their late 30s are rare?[/quote]
@Query3

Thank you .

I had going solo as an abstract concept since my divorce aged 36. But, the turning point was during my 'situanship' aged 38, when I realised we could carry on having fun at the weekends ad infinitum. My ex partner did tell me that he had no intention of having children anytime soon tbf (he was 10 years younger than me). I guess I'd secretly hoped he'd change his mind . He did not mislead me. As soon as the fertility clinics reopened in July 2020 I made an appt. and went from there. Failed IUI first (intrauterine insemination) then IVF this Feb.

Absolutely I would have loved to have had a child with him, so I understand where you're coming from. We often spoke about 'if only I was 10 years younger etc' we could take time in getting to know each other/build a life a together etc. but I had to let go of the 'ideal' and be realistic, and I wasn't prepared to compromise on a partner. I really enjoyed being with him, we were compatible otherwise...I think in my honest opinion men in their mid/late 30s who aren't 'damaged' are rare, of course they're out there, but it's been the case when I dated aggressively that they're far and few between.

Pregnancy has been going really well so far, I've been very fortunate and I've had an easy and enjoyable pregnancy. I have my family to talk and see and my very close friend when possible and share the milestones with (scan, development of the baby etc). I ask for help when I can't do things eg. pay for a trades person to assemble a bookshelf for me, or a friend to do an occasional trip with me if it involves heavy carrying. I 'own' my story and journey now and am happy that I took the risk to go down this route.

Query3
We had the chat and it went round in circles again. He's open to having children but doesn't have a strong desire like me. He said he would like us to be living together first and said we can start thinking about places to live. But obviously this will not guarantee anything. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me if he didn't want kids. He said that it wasn't a case of not wanting kids but being in the right place to want them. More confused now than before confused

To be honest I read that post as he does want children. Just not with you. You and him can play house at some point till he finds someone who he does want to have a family with.

Everything else is just words and dreams of the future that isn’t based on reality

If he wanted children with you, you would be living together and buying pregnancy test kits.

There is nothing to be confused about. If you take out all the words and fudging and the future planning and look at the reality
You want to move in together
You want to be pregnant
If he was really that into you would already have what you want

I've only read your OP. From what I can see, he asked you to put your cards on the table and you weren't honest about what you really want.