Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he stringing me along about kids?

213 replies

Query3 · 05/11/2021 17:37

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused Confused

OP posts:
Smiler79 · 08/11/2021 22:07

It’s up to you op. You seem to have gone on the defensive about a guy who was being snide to you when your friend was pregnant, making a cold comment ( knowing you want kids) Any guy worth his salt , who loved you, would put your mind at ease. He’d say I’m not ready now but I see a future with you. I’d like to move in together by x date , look at kids by x date. There’s no vagueness or stringing you along.
There are plenty of guys who do string women along (Look at princess beatrice’s ex for example!) and yes it is different when you’re 37 as opposed to 27. Of course it is. Your timescale has to be shorter. You can’t wait 3 years to move in, 2 more years to ttc. A 20 something can. So the response of posters is completely different. That’s why one of the first questions to these threads is ‘how old are you’
I met my dh at 38 within 6 months i was pregnant, moved in and we married later. He had a timescale of 5 years , I let him know I didn’t have that timescale. He saw me as his future and we went for it. If I’d stayed with the time waster before, I doubt I would have met this amazing man and had dc.
It’s up to you, I know I’d regret not having my dc.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 08/11/2021 22:19

I think you need to work out what you want and put your cards on the table.

I was marginally younger than you at 35. From the start of my relationship i was like "so i am on a timeline..." my DP knew this and didnt want to waste my time either (he is a fair bit younger than me)

I knew exactly what i wanted: a good marriage with a good man and a happy life together...potentially with children but invasive stuff like IVF was not something i was prepared to do so timings were a key factor.
He knew all of this.

I knew i only wanted kids within a stable relationship,

We got on amazingly and after 3.5 years had moved in, bought a house, married and got pregnant.
We both wanted to do things in this order but i was prepared to walk if it didnt progress.

I know 2 people who had kids alone. One coparents with her gay BF - its complicated at times but she loves it.
The other had twins via donation its hectic at times but she loves it and has no regrets.
Both are incredibly smart funny interesting brilliant women and i was kind of surprised
they were single... but dating is pot luck, they didn't meet anyone good enough and they knew what they wanted.
I would never do it alone myself. I'd remain happily single.

I think you need to sit down and are clear in yourself about what you want.

Original poster
Query3 · 08/11/2021 22:32

I think essentially the relationship will be ending because it has put me in a constant state of worry about the future. If he's doing this intentionally or not, it doesn't really matter anymore. He won't give a straight answer and knows I am confused about that yet carries on. This is not healthy. He knows that I want children, I've made that clear. I'll have a good think about where things go from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Query3 · 08/11/2021 22:41

@Smiler79 what did princess beatrice’s ex do? Hmm

OP posts:
CliffsofMohair · 08/11/2021 22:45

[quote Query3]@Smiler79 what did princess beatrice’s ex do? Hmm[/quote]
Strung her along for a decade then married someone else within a year (from memory?)

ImInStealthMode · 08/11/2021 22:47

Throw this one back OP. If he doesn't know what he wants at his age then he never will (or he knows exactly what he doesn't want, but he also enjoys the company & the sex so keeps stringing you along).

I met my DP when he was 38 & I was 36. We
want kids, we'd moved in after 3 months, engaged a year after that and will be married a year after that. We stopped using contraception a while ago.

Before I met him I dated a few nice guys that kind of age who genuinely wanted kids, none of them were right for me but all of them have since met someone special and are moving in the right direction at a similar pace.

If yours was serious he'd be making the right plans with you. I'm so sorry that you've wasted your time with him (I've been there, it's shitty) but please please don't waste any more x

longcoffeebreak · 08/11/2021 23:43

Oh dear what a horrible situation to be in neither option is good

reader12 · 08/11/2021 23:56

I think you have to really force the issue and if it turns into a massive row and you split up, then at least you have your answer. He knows how old you are and he knows what you want, so he needs to stop messing about and decide. You don’t have time to waste with someone who isn’t serious about you and doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you. Sorry.

Anordinarymum · 09/11/2021 00:44

@Query3

I have told him I don't have years left and he'll just repeat with the same line saying he does want kids but doesn't want to be rushed and it has to feel right and we'll have to live together first. But then not say when this might be etc. I can feel myself getting frustrated when we talk about kids because we don't seem to get anywhere. I don't want to rush things either, just want to know it could happen in the next couple of years. Otherwise we are not on the same page are we?
At 39 he does not want children. This is what I think. He is trying to tell you this in a roundabout way so he does not hurt you and at the same time he knows it is a deal breaker.

He needs to grow a pair and be honest with you

Beebababadabo · 09/11/2021 00:52

I think he wants to be with you and wants a future with you but I don't think he really wants kids. You are 37 and he knows that so he knows that for you time is running out. He is hearing you want kids but I think he is hoping you feel like him and just him will be enough. Its not about him being enough though. Its about life goals you are clear one of your life goal is to have a child. Raising a child is a totally different goal from having a committed adult relationship, you raise and child and although they are a part of you always they leave and start their own life as adults. A life partner is an adult who is meant to stay for life (that's the goal anyway. Maybe remind him it's a totally different life goal to want a child and him not being enough is like you saying to him saying "I want to own my dream house" then you saying "well instead of having a house, you have your dream job so isn't that enough for you?"

OmegaKappa · 09/11/2021 03:25

In my experience some men will say whatever they need to, to stay in a relationship rather than be honest. I don't want children and for years I dated men and the 'relationships' lasted no more than a year (usually 3 months) before they admitted they did want children and were waiting for me to change my mind/realise I did want their children because they're so great 🙄

Throughout all of these years I was friends with a man I had met as a teenager. We 'hooked up' and he said he wanted to date, I asked where he stood on kids, he knew I was childfree but had never spoken about kids himself. He said he didn't want them and we had a whirlwind romance and married quickly. On the honeymoon he asked when we would have kids... he lied and said he didn't want any 'knowing' that all women want kids after marriage.

If you cannot live your life happily with no children you have options but not many/not much time. You can leave him and have a baby alone. Leave him and find someone else. Give him a deadline to be living together and discuss kids again. Don't let him keep pushing it to a never-never time though eg 'soon' 'when I'm ready' 'one day'. I'll sound harsh but time isn't on your side, you do have time, bit it's finite. Please do not end up unable to have children and him off married with kids because you waited for him to be ready, it's heartbreaking to watch it happen, I can't imagine having to live with it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

HotPeppasauce2 · 09/11/2021 06:14

@OmegaKappa sorry to be nosy and derail. Can I ask what happened did you stay with him after you got married?

OmegaKappa · 09/11/2021 06:26

[quote HotPeppasauce2]@OmegaKappa sorry to be nosy and derail. Can I ask what happened did you stay with him after you got married?[/quote]
No, I definitely didn't want children and I didn't want to be married to a liar. Especially when that liar knew what I had been through before when men I was with lied to me about wanting children. We returned from honeymoon broken up. I met someone else a year later and we have been happily married for 20 years.

MimiDaisy11 · 09/11/2021 06:29

Sorry for your situation. You’re right to end it. Best of luck moving forward

SunshineCake1 · 09/11/2021 07:07

I never said there was anything wrong with it @ChargingBuck. Some people are happy with a partner and will sacrifice kids for them. Some aren't. I was just joining in the thread..

Snog · 09/11/2021 09:02

How would you feel if you stay with this guy and when he is 46 he decides he wants children and it's too late for you?

He is inconsiderate of your feelings and your situation, and doesn't seem to want to engage in sorting out this issue between you. I would find this very disrespectful.

Ivywild · 09/11/2021 10:26

@user1481840227

Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

Well he's right there. It doesn't work that way despite what people on MN might say.

2 people could meet and be on the same page at the start that what they're looking for is the person they want to settle down with and hopefully start a family.

But the relationship still has to develop naturally first and be enjoyed for what it is before that is generally going to happen.
If someone isn't ready to have a baby they can't accurately predict a timeline for when they will actually be ready.

"I'll be ready in 6 months to try for a baby"...makes no sense when it comes to emotional readiness, because no one knows what they will feel like at a certain time!

I agree with this.

I've always been besotted with children was always very keen to try for a baby as early as possible as I had PCOS. Similarly to OP, I'm also a planner and I constantly badgered my DP for a timescale in my late 20's.

My DP absolutely wanted children but his mind simply doesn't the way mine does (5 year plans broken down into yearly goals). If I asked him back then where he saw himself in 5 years , he wouldn't know what to say to me. That's not because he didn't envisage a future with me but because he likes his life to pan our organically rather than feel rigidly planned.

Granted you have more freedom to allow that to happen in your late 20's, but as soon as I stopped overthinking it and ruining the present moment by badgering him about the future - we did move in together, we got engaged, bought a property and had our baby girl (who is 2 months old today) on the second time of trying!

I would focus on the next immediate goal OP - moving in together ASAP. Sending you lots of best and happiness.

Honeyroar · 09/11/2021 10:27

To be honest, I think it’s fair enough not to be sure you want to tie yourself to someone else for life a year into a relationship. If you were ten years younger you’d not be pushing for answers like this.. So I can forgive him a little for not wanting to commit to a baby a year in. I think some men don’t understand the pressure/intense desire for children at that age, and get quite stressed by it, thinking that’s all you want them for (my ex did!) However it is important to you, and your age is a factor. and he’s not being very understanding or sensitive to your feelings/situation, so he’s probably not the one for you. I’d definitely start looking into speed donation etc, plan another way to have a baby.

ShaneTheThird · 09/11/2021 10:49

He is 39. Time to grow the fuck up and be honest.

Eddielzzard · 09/11/2021 10:54

It's very clear that he IS stringing you along because you're no less confused than you were a few days ago despite talking about it.

BestZebbie · 09/11/2021 11:06

I think he is terrified about change and effort and therefore scared of having a baby but likes you so wants to keep you around and avoid the issue.

I think you should move in with him (rent, fairly short term contract at first) RIGHT NOW - go home today with a printout of possible flats. Say you'd like to try it for 6 months and see how it works out, then if you are compatible you can start planning the wedding/baby (as in, booking the venue, not starting a vague five year engagement!!) and if he doesn't want that at that stage, no harm no foul, you've given it your best shot but weren't right for each other. And mean it.

BestZebbie · 09/11/2021 11:09

And if you break up in six months, you can start sperm donation IVF - you can start looking into that now along with flats and wedding venues...

anthurium · 09/11/2021 12:50

@Honeyroar

To be honest, I think it’s fair enough not to be sure you want to tie yourself to someone else for life a year into a relationship. If you were ten years younger you’d not be pushing for answers like this.. So I can forgive him a little for not wanting to commit to a baby a year in. I think some men don’t understand the pressure/intense desire for children at that age, and get quite stressed by it, thinking that’s all you want them for (my ex did!) However it is important to you, and your age is a factor. and he’s not being very understanding or sensitive to your feelings/situation, so he’s probably not the one for you. I’d definitely start looking into speed donation etc, plan another way to have a baby.
@honeyroar

"If you were ten years younger you’d not be pushing for answers like this." This I believe is important; I certainly can see myself in this statement. I also only started pushing for 'timescales' after my 36th birthday. Unfortunate for any man who dated me...

"I think it’s fair enough not to be sure you want to tie yourself to someone else for life a year into a relationship." I also agree with this NOW, only now that I am on my way to getting what I want (a child, currently pregnant), I no longer feel stressed... I went down the sperm donor and IVF route so Op knows my journey. However in my most desperate, panicked, terrified moments that I'd miss out on motherhood, I did think it was perfectly reasonable to commit so soon to someone/be tied to them for life...
Today, in my more calm rational thinking I feel I need more time to get to know someone and for it to be happen organically without 'escalating' anything deliberately. But that's me though.

(I had to leave a relationship where we were at different life stages though he did categorically say he wasn't ready then so sightly different situation).

JacieSmithw · 09/11/2021 13:38

@anthurium how do you go about choosing sperm? My personal thing would be that I’d want the child to be able to contact the donor. Is that possible in the uk? I’ve tried to look into it but it’s not as easy to find the info online as you’d assume!

anthurium · 09/11/2021 13:56

[quote JacieSmithw]@anthurium how do you go about choosing sperm? My personal thing would be that I’d want the child to be able to contact the donor. Is that possible in the uk? I’ve tried to look into it but it’s not as easy to find the info online as you’d assume![/quote]
@jacieSmithw

Hi,

I'll PM as I don't want to derail Op's thread and provide as much info as I have/I'm aware of hope this will help Smile