Is he stringing me along about kids?

[Query3]

I'm very confused. Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Talked a lot about marriage and wanting kids at the beginning. We've had a few recent chats and each is the same. Me asking about kids and him giving a very long winded answer about how he could have kids but would be fine not having kids because he has me. I've made it clear I want them and he'll say things like we have to live together first (obviously) and be in the right place and it has to be the right time etc etc.

I know there have been posts on here when one person does want kids and the other doesn't but he has never said he doesn't, just that he has to feel right. When I asked him when does he see himself having them he just said he doesn't work like that, doesn't work to time frames and we are different in that sense because I'm a planner and he's not. I have started to feel his answers are some kind of distraction technique.

Then last night I was talking about a friend who is pregnant. He suddenly said 'you'd love it if you were pregnant right now wouldn't you?'. I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question because he seemed to say it in quite a negative way and put me on the spot. I just said one day yes and he didn't reply.

I've been feeling very insecure in this relationship and have the sense he is stringing me along about kids. But really not sure. He seems very genuine in other ways. Unless he just doesn't want to commit to having them? But on the other hand he is not saying no. I'm happy to wait but would also like to know the man I am with wants the same thing as me and we can/will potentially plan a life together.

Was he being mean with this pregnancy comment? Do you think he doesn't really want kids? I'm very confused

I’m sorry I wouldn’t be trusting him on this one. You don’t have time to be waiting around on him to make his mind up and he sounds like my Peter Pan ex.

Ah op, I know several women who have been in this situation in their late 30's, who waited and hoped, and then their partner fucked off with someone you her and started a family immediately. Not one or two, either. I worked with a woman years ago who was strung along for decades, and he finally left her for a pregnant affair partner when she was in her forties and had no chance. She was beyond devastated. Move on, if he doesn't know (he does) at 39, he never will. Better to go it alone than be tied to this plonker.

When I was your age I had been with my dp for a year too. He was the one worrying about my declining fertility becausehe knew he wanted kids with me.

Honestly, I wouldn't even be trying to persuade someone so ambivalent to have kids wirh me. Hedoes not sound as though he has tbought abpur what fatherhood really entails.

Have a think about what would make someone a good father, even when things are really tough.

For someone to be 39 and not be clearer about what fatherhood means to him, when hes been prompted to think about it several times by the woman he loves, suggests a certain flakiness. Or dishonesty.

If he doesn't eant kids now with you, that's fine. But if he loves you, he needs to be clear - or rather,honest - about it (even if that means clear about 'on the one hand/ on the other feelings he had. He must be prepared to share them, or to admit to himself he isn't the right man for you , now)

And of course you in turn need to be clear and honest (with yourself, then him) about whether or not it is a deal-breaker for you.

I say that because I think I could have not had kids and had a good marriage and satisfying life without children- but not with dh as he was very clear he wanted kids.

Those saying ask him for a time frame, I already have and he said he doesn't work in that way!

Given your age, this is unthinking, unkind and unreasonable of him to expect you to keep hanging on, waiting for him to maybe be in the mood in time, but maybe not. It's cruel, actually.

Maybe have one more chat, letting him know this is intolerable for you and you have one foot out the door. But if he can't understand how this impacts you and can't put his cards on the table, there's no point sending a lot of energy explaining why this matters to him. That'll be time to cut your losses IMO.

*spending

You're 37, you've been together for a year. Now is the time for solid commitment.

Your bf needs to piss or get off the pot. If he's not ready to commit then if having a baby is important to you it's time to move on without delay.

@CecilieRose

I can never get over how many Peter Pans there are in the world. 39 and he's being vague about when he wants them? Won't make concrete plans at all or even give you a timeline? He's a timewaster, sorry. A year is long enough to know whether you see marriage (if you want it) and kids or not. I agree with others that he doesn't want kids and is stringing you along until it's too late. Unfortunately a lot of men really are that selfish - they know if they're upfront about not wanting kids, it will vastly thin their pool of partners, so they lie.

He was mean with that comment because he's a dick. He's mocking and chiding you for wanting something that's completely normal for you to want with the aim of making you feel like it's silly and pathetic. Sorry. A lot of men are just awful. I know how shit it is when you think they've found the One and they're just another asshole, but that's what's happened here.

I'd leave. He might come running back, realising what he's missing and all that, but his whole attitude about kids would really put me off. You probably still have time to meet someone else and have a baby but you have no time to hang about wasting time with this idiot.

Yeah. Id leave.

The only thing I will add is that you have only been dating a year, that’s not long and I wouldn’t want a baby with someone after a year either. I think in the next six months- year I would want to move in together. You want to know it’s going in the right direction.
I had a child later in life too, a friend of mine is 46 and also just announced her baby news (they weren’t trying). It can happen, I appreciate some people may run out of time and not want to wait.

How often are you bringing up babies? You make reference to him saying you only want him as a baby making machine. Playing devils advocate here, but is it always a conversation? always on your mind? Are you always bringing it up? It’s been a year (I left a boyfriend because of this, I was 26, we loved each other deeply but he always bringing up marriage and children (lots of them). It really got to me in the end and we split up.

This has all opened my eyes. I am seeing him today so will have another talk with him. In all honesty whenever we talk about children I feel it could potentially end hence the insecurity. From all that he has said I can't imagine him saying he wants kids and planning a time frame but let's see...

On another note I don't think I'll meet someone like him again though. I've been single for years, went on so many dates with men with zero attraction/chemistry. This felt so very different from the start, all my friends/family think he's lovely (although they don't know about this incompatibility) so will be very depressing if this ends.

Saying that I feel quite annoyed with him and myself for letting it carry on whilst he never gives me a clear answer on the kids front. It is very selfish. And I can't be with someone who doesn't want kids. But probably won't meet anyone else either.

My DP was a bit like this. He had a previous relationship that had ended very badly and he was very cautious about any big steps in our relationship. We talked about kids early in the relationship and he said he did want them but it was always this vague "in the future" time frame. He was like your DP in that he hates to have pressure to do things by a certain point. It took a long time and a lot of small steps to get there. Eventually I think it was all his close friends having babies that helped give him a push.

The difference is that I was 26 when we met and had a time frame and a defined time in my head by which I would leave if he hadn't committed to having children. We had been together 6 years by the time I had DC1. At 37 you simply don't have the luxury of time to wait around for a man who needs that long to decide.

If he says you have to move in together first then I would say that has to be something you actively do now. If he doesn't even want to take that step,then I would say it's a definite no go.i would also give it a maximum of 6 months from now, then I would probably leave and maybe even try to consider having a baby alone.

The only other option is deciding that actually the relationship is good enough that you would be happy to possibly sacrifice having children, which doesn't sound like it is the case.

OP, if you stay with this man you will resent him for the rest of your life for denying you the chance to have children.
That would not be a happy relationship, and would not compensate for your childlessness.
You are 37. Your fertility is already dropping, your risk of miscarriage increasing.
I’d advise you to cut your losses, ditch this time waster of a man and look for one who genuinely wants kids with you in the very near future. Because your fertility hasn’t got a “far future”.

OP it's clear you see this man as your 'Last Chance Saloon' while he - quite sensibly IMO - doesn't want to move in with you or have kids with you after only 7 months. This relationship is still in the dating stage for him.

@Query3
Be clear in your head on what you want from the conversation. In your situation I’d want have lines in the sand.
•TTC now
•looking at setting home proactively now- looking at flats, arranging mortgage
•booking wedding (not we’ll get engaged)

Then you can decide what you want to compromise on- for eg. TTC, flathunting, no marriage plans.

One interpretation of his crass comments about your pregnant friend is that he want you to take the lead, he’s frightened to expose himself and take ownership by saying ‘let’s do this’. Not saying that’s great but it does explain his passivity.

And as I boringlysay every time on these threads, I have more friends who had babies in their 40s than 20s

@Query3 It just dawned on me slowly that he was always going to have another reason or excuse. It became clear that he never really took me seriously - I wasn’t desperate to have kids but wanted to consider the idea and it was a taboo subject in the end. That’s not why I left him, it was more the fact that I realised he never took my thoughts or feelings seriously.

I’m 41 now. I met my OH and wanted some time to get to know him. We discussed it and agreed between us that it’s not really right for us and our lifestyle now, but it was a completely honest and equal discussion which is the big difference.

In all honesty whenever we talk about children I feel it could potentially end hence the insecurity

This is pretty telling.

I hope the conversation goes the way you want it to.

@MamDancer we've been together for one year not 7 months.

Also I'm not wanting a baby right now. I want to know we are on the same page so we can plan a time frame and start moving towards those life goals. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am being strung along which seems to be what is happening.

'Last Chance Saloon'? Well, I guess in some ways he is. I can't imagine meeting anyone else in the near future who I am attracted to and get on with so well who also wants kids. If this relationship ends I doubt I'd have the energy for dating apps again.

Good luck OP, I know it’s hard and upsetting but please don’t despair: you have choices and options. Speak to him today and see what he says, if he doesn’t step up then you have the option of finding someone else, or having a baby/adopting as a solo parent . I know several women who have chosen to solo parent and I’m not saying it’s always easy but they are very pleased they did it. One friend had a baby alone and then met a partner later and they are all very happy together. Good luck!

I suspect he will string you along even more today. Be strong OP. I've raised ds alone from the start and I think it's better to do that than wait on anyone to be ready. He'll never be ready with you, he knows that but hasn't the balls to be honest with you

I thought you were going to say he was early/mid twenties!!!
Blimey, he should be able to consider a timeframe at 39!
You've only been dating for a year and so understandably he might not want to rush into anything as important as bringing a child into the world but he should have some bloody thoughts on if he can see starting a family with you or not by now and when that might happen.
I think you'll know more once you've spoken to him today.

Hi OP
Hope your chat goes well
I just ended a long term relationship with a man who was just as vague even though in the beginning I was very clear about wanting kids and a husband. He said he wanted the same. But he became more vague and non committal as time went on. I gave him the benefit of doubt, I didn’t pressure hol etc but ultimately I can now see he was stalling
when a man is on the same page and wants the same things, he will say it and act on it
He’s not your last chance
That’s what I kept thinking about my ex
The right guy will want the same things as you and make it happen
I’m the same age as you by the way

Pressure him*

OP - you sound a lot more into him than he is into you. ‘I would not meet a man like him again’…. Really? You are only 37, and have a long life ahead of you. You can meet all kinds of men again and again.

But you only have a few years of fertility. That is a fact. And if you give this up now because you somehow met some dream man - you will regret it. And more so, because by the sound of it he does want kids just not with you. In a few years when you are not able to have them - he’ll be off and have kids with someone else. And you’ll be without him and without kids.

Please take control of your fertility. And do something. Please at least consider freezing your eggs. And btw - it’ll show him that you aren’t just needing him to be the baby daddy. In a small chance that this is the issue that is preventing him from making a decision - you doing something proactive that doesn’t pin all your hopes on him may actually help him decide.
And it will give you a backup

@CecilieRose

I can never get over how many Peter Pans there are in the world. 39 and he's being vague about when he wants them? Won't make concrete plans at all or even give you a timeline? He's a timewaster, sorry. A year is long enough to know whether you see marriage (if you want it) and kids or not. I agree with others that he doesn't want kids and is stringing you along until it's too late. Unfortunately a lot of men really are that selfish - they know if they're upfront about not wanting kids, it will vastly thin their pool of partners, so they lie.

He was mean with that comment because he's a dick. He's mocking and chiding you for wanting something that's completely normal for you to want with the aim of making you feel like it's silly and pathetic. Sorry. A lot of men are just awful. I know how shit it is when you think they've found the One and they're just another asshole, but that's what's happened here.

I'd leave. He might come running back, realising what he's missing and all that, but his whole attitude about kids would really put me off. You probably still have time to meet someone else and have a baby but you have no time to hang about wasting time with this idiot.

This. He isn't not saying no because he's unsure. He's avoiding being honest to keep the relationship going on his terms. If you cajole him into it, it can only end badly.

Also I'm not wanting a baby right now. I want to know we are on the same page so we can plan a time frame and start moving towards those life goals. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am being strung along which seems to be what is happening

Last Chance Saloon'? hmm Well, I guess in some ways he is. I can't imagine meeting anyone else in the near future who I am attracted to and get on with so well who also wants kids. If this relationship ends I doubt I'd have the energy for dating apps again*

Unfortunately you are of an age where you could already be living in the last chance saloon.

Whilst many women have children in their 40s there are many women who are already having fertility issues at your age.

If you really want children then I would go it alone.
Looking for The One can wait.

I would take ownership of this and go it alone.
The right guy will come along maybe in a few years time or in a few weeks/months

Single Friend met her One waiting for her ante natal appointments. No Apps in sight.