DH has changed for the better and I’m still not happy

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I had a thread over the summer where I left DH for five weeks and then went back.
The backdrop was that he’d opted out of the dc and family life since dc1 was born 13 years ago and I’d operated largely on my own. As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.
We moved back in - mainly due to my dd being so upset and pressure from my parents to do so.
And to be fair he is a changed man. Since we moved back in September I’ve had two nights away, he is doing half of the morning school runs (I work 30 hours a week and prior to this was doing absolutely everything), he is better with the dc, he hasn’t been off doing his hobby (although I have no issue with him having a hobby tbh, even though it was every weekend and several evenings a week, I get he needs some time to himself too, it’s been his own choice to give up for now).
He’s been saying all the right things, he says he was unreasonable and his behaviour was a ‘piss take.’ He was originally putting some pressure on around sex but has backed off somewhat. Not entirely mind you, but somewhat, because sex has been a major issue for us as in we never have it. He has ordered a new iron and says he’s going to learn how to use the washing machine and do half the washing and ironing. He says he is going to cook dinner three times a week - please bear in mind that prior to this not once ever. He is doing bedtime for the youngest dc two or three nights a week - again not once prior to this.

He’s being more reasonable over the money. I ordered the dc some winter clothes and he paid. He has recognised that they are expensive and taking them out places is expensive. He’s being much more willing to discuss money.

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off. He wants me sat next to him or near him all the time. He holds onto me when I try and pull away and demands ‘one more kiss.’ I don’t know, it’s still not right and it should be. I’m finding it frustrating that I do not feel better than I do. The dc are happier I think. DH keeps saying he’s happier and how he’d much rather spend time with us than anything else which makes me slightly 🙄 because he’s had years to do that and hasn’t.
I still feel anxious and sad. I’m considering going to my parents’ for the weekend - just me - because I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I want to want it to work. I should be happy and I am not. Why am I not? We have gone from spending a lot of time with my parents to never seeing them. DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go, but my parents don’t like him. Consequently since September I’ve barely seen them and nor have the dc.
He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here. But I still feel disconnected.

Possibly because they way he behaved in the past irrecoverably changed the way you saw him and felt about him. You are most likely waiting for the act to stop.

Of course he’s at fault. He can’t expect 13 years of being an arsehole to be magicked away because he’s been doing the bare minimum for a couple of months. You’ve effectively built a life without him, relying on your parents for support in his absence.

If you’re not happy you should leave. You don’t owe him a relationship just because he’s decided to make an effort.

I would dispute that he is “absolutely not at fault” - he’s being very controlling, he’s just found an acceptable wrapper to put it into so you can’t complain. You can’t see your parents on your own, you can’t have your own physical or emotional space, he’s pressuring you for sex. But of course he’s being SO GOOD that you can’t criticise those aspects because then he’d sulk and say he can’t do anything right (and probably stop all the good behaviour as a punishment to you).

For example, if he’s cooking three times a week (great) do you feel comfortable commenting if something’s not cooked right or not to your taste? In other words do you feel secure in these changes or do they feel somewhat conditional on you keeping the peace so they last?

It’s actually made it harder, because this is the ‘family unit’ I wanted... and I’m still not happy 🙄
I’m sad nearly all the time. I just feel anxious, and I know that’s overused but my heart races, I can’t eat, I’ve lost another half a stone in weight.
I keep waiting to feel better and I don’t.
I don’t want him to kiss me and I don’t want his hands all over me.
But he’s trying so hard and I feel sorry for him.

It's only been a couple of months of the "new" DH after 13 years of the old one... Of course you don't trust that it's real or that it's a permanent change. I suggest couple's counseling as a space to talk about these feelings openly.

He’s not cooking yet.
He said last night that’s what he’s going to do, along with the ironing.
He says it was a joke that I was getting up so much earlier than him to get the kids to school and then working and then doing everything at the other end of the day too.

Why did your parents put pressure on you to go back if they don't like him??
I guess after being treated badly for so long it's hard to just feel good about it now. You can see what he's doing now and thinking why didn't you do this for the last 13 years.

We’re only in October and this change came about in September - so no wonder it feels weird after over a decade of shitty behaviour.

Him being clingy as well is odd, it’s like he’s doing more as a father and partner in running the household but it comes with strings attached - i.e you both being all loved up and coupley as well as sexually intimate again (even if he has backed off a bit).

I would find this odd too, it feels like he’s love bombing you and acting on his ‘best behaviour’ and actually he’s still making promises - what’s all this about is going to learn to use the washing machine? Is going to cook dinner three times a week? Surely he has had time in six weeks or so to figure that out?

Just sounds too little too late and also forced - the forced spending time together would make me cringe, it’s putting too much pressure on you, like ok i’ve been a crap husband for 13 years but a month of pulling my weight and we should be loves young dream.

He’s also been ok with me going for a walk on my own or something, whereas before he wouldn’t have been. He’d have said we’d all go or wanted to know why I was going out for a walk on my own and would say it wasn’t safe for a woman to be walking alone.

He keeps asking how much I love him and if we’ll be ok. Telling me how precious I am and how I’ll never be on my own again etc etc. Asking me to never leave him.

The resentment set in years ago. Nothing he can do will mend it.
Plan to end it, speak to a solicitor.

Ah right…so all these promises have yet to properly materialise. Really it doesn’t take weeks and weeks to decide to start helping out more around the house does it? There’s always plenty to do right under your nose! It all feels very performative with the grand pronouncements and so on. I expect you don’t announce to the whole household that you would be making tea tonight, do you?

I agree, it’s like he’s trying to put “good husband” tokens into you and expects “loving wife” to pop out of the slot in return. But life doesn’t work like that. No wonder you feel off. You’re not a machine.

It's the lack of trust. You don't trust he's actually changed for good (because all the evidence points to the contrary). He had 13 years to sort it out off his own back and didn't. Now with some pressure he's sorting some stuff but that's only been a few weeks. You can't trust he will stay this way (rightly so). That doubt will always be there because you knew the old him.

You didn’t want to go back, understandably. You don’t want to be in the relationship, understandably.

Would plan to divorce. Focus on supporting your DC. And advise him to focus on being a good father.

He vacuumed yesterday 🤔
I feel squashed. I would like some space but I don’t think that will go down very well. I had a night away with my friend and he called me six times and kept saying he was worried about the gap between us widening again.

He’s ‘going to’ do X, Y and Z……

He can do all of that whilst separated.

Don’t feel sorry for him, he caused it.
Do not let this make you ill. Pull up your big girl pants and get your ‘ducks in a row’. Taking control and having a plan will make you feel better, get it all sorted so it’s ready if you do decide to jump.

It looks like classic love bombing/hoovering to me. Best behaviour and (empty) promises of a future that he thinks is going to keep you in place.

You are simply waiting for the time he reverts back to normal.

I’d use the time to prepare for a permanent separation, paperwork, financial information, etc. But don’t let him know that you’re doing that.

The feeling you describe about racing heart etc is cognitive dissonance. You KNOW this isn’t right. Your body your heart your mind is screaming that this isn’t right yet your social conditioning (also the patriarchy) is overriding it. You feel sorry for him, you got what you wanted so if you’re not happy: it’s now your fault, he’s doing all the right things. Those charges are false, let’s reframe: your kind nature has empathy for him, he has in the short term acted to create a more equal relationship which is the bare minimum most people accept and need but the emotional damage done has impacted you and consequently you do not love him. Love isn’t recrimination or neediness, love is mutual and fun and exciting and comfort all at once and he is giving you none of that with this desperate transactional play acting.
You need to go to relationship counselling and I think you need to quell this ‘pleaser’ side of you: you don’t owe him a relationship, you don’t owe him sex.

sometimes when someone has acted so badly for so long what they broke just can’t be fixed; it’s actually harder I think when they change as it makes you feel like “why couldn’t they have done that ages ago”. Don’t feel bad for you feel, give yourself time and make the right decision for you. It’s not your fault.

I'm also confused that your parents don't like him, but wanted you to go back to him? Or was it the case you and the DC were staying at theirs and they just wanted you gone? If that's the case, it's a massive pointer to how you've ended up in a relationship with someone so selfish.

Since you've been back at home, your H has done half the school runs (half! After decades of doing none!) and he's vacuumed once. He's said he intends to do more, but hasn't. Have u got that right?

He's stepped up the housework but he is still controlling. It's clear from your post you don't feel you're allowed to feel the way you feel. What a stifling relationship. As though a few months' housework can erase everything

He's tried, you've tried, it's not working and probably best to move on. His behaviour doesn't sound overly healthy still.

He is love bombing you it doesn't feel sincere because you know his true self

I had a night away with my friend and he called me six times and kept saying he was worried about the gap between us widening again.

That’s not normal. That is:
Controlling
Emotional blackmail
Intrusive on your time and attention
An attempt to distance you from your friends
Etc…

I had a night away at a friends lately and I exchanged a few texts with DH to say I’d arrived safely, children were ok going to bed for him, have a good time with friend. That’s what I view as normal in the circumstances.