DH has changed for the better and I’m still not happy

[Avocadowannabe]

I had a thread over the summer where I left DH for five weeks and then went back.
The backdrop was that he’d opted out of the dc and family life since dc1 was born 13 years ago and I’d operated largely on my own. As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.
We moved back in - mainly due to my dd being so upset and pressure from my parents to do so.
And to be fair he is a changed man. Since we moved back in September I’ve had two nights away, he is doing half of the morning school runs (I work 30 hours a week and prior to this was doing absolutely everything), he is better with the dc, he hasn’t been off doing his hobby (although I have no issue with him having a hobby tbh, even though it was every weekend and several evenings a week, I get he needs some time to himself too, it’s been his own choice to give up for now).
He’s been saying all the right things, he says he was unreasonable and his behaviour was a ‘piss take.’ He was originally putting some pressure on around sex but has backed off somewhat. Not entirely mind you, but somewhat, because sex has been a major issue for us as in we never have it. He has ordered a new iron and says he’s going to learn how to use the washing machine and do half the washing and ironing. He says he is going to cook dinner three times a week - please bear in mind that prior to this not once ever. He is doing bedtime for the youngest dc two or three nights a week - again not once prior to this.

He’s being more reasonable over the money. I ordered the dc some winter clothes and he paid. He has recognised that they are expensive and taking them out places is expensive. He’s being much more willing to discuss money.

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off. He wants me sat next to him or near him all the time. He holds onto me when I try and pull away and demands ‘one more kiss.’ I don’t know, it’s still not right and it should be. I’m finding it frustrating that I do not feel better than I do. The dc are happier I think. DH keeps saying he’s happier and how he’d much rather spend time with us than anything else which makes me slightly 🙄 because he’s had years to do that and hasn’t.
I still feel anxious and sad. I’m considering going to my parents’ for the weekend - just me - because I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I want to want it to work. I should be happy and I am not. Why am I not? We have gone from spending a lot of time with my parents to never seeing them. DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go, but my parents don’t like him. Consequently since September I’ve barely seen them and nor have the dc.
He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here. But I still feel disconnected.

I"m sorry but I don't think you can fix this. It's too long with you doing everything and too much resentment and his stepping up for 5 minutes won't make up for 13 years of taking the piss.

Make the break.

Lear how to co-parent.

And be happy without each other. It definitely doesn't sound as if you are happy being with him, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't let his guilt make you feel like you have to slot back into 'his version' of happy family life. Too little, too late.

It sounds like this change has come 13 years too late. You don't actually owe him this chance. Also how bloody annoying that he can change so easily. He'd just chosen not to all this time. I'd hate him so much.

To be honest he should be doing 100% of everything now just to break even.

Why aren't you seeing your parents ?

Can you sit down and just talk to him, tell him how you're feeling.

It sounds like was mistaking your for his mother and then you ended up mothering him by doing all the housework and not enforcing your view that he ought to take a share in that load.
A lot of us come from backgrounds where we are imprinted with a template of 'Dad' goes to work and should be revered and gets to have the remote control and 'Mum' cooks the dinners and manages the background shit.
Then the separation spooked him and now he's got separation anxiety because 'mummy' did run off on him. His checking and proximity seeking is to make sure it doesn't happen to him again.
Have you been to therapy yourself? It might be an idea, because you need to have a good relationship with yourself and know yourself before you will know what you want from others.
You may be the avoidantly attached type which means you like the security of having him around, but when stressed intimacy becomes a problem for you and you want to keep people out and not share your feelings. People close to you are kept guessing how you really feel because your strategy is to not share those deeper feelings.
Him trying to 'get closer' to you is now turning you off him because it feels like a threat currently. Couples therapy might also be an option but both of you must have the willingness to be open to that.

Sorry OP
I think your senses are telling you the truth.

He is a classic emotional abuser and this is called "hoovering" it's designed to keep you close and remove your reasons for leaving because he knows you are emotionally moving away. Its a common and dangerous(for you) technique because it causes you to doubt your feelings (your gut is telling you this isn't real) and also if he senses it isn't working he may move onto other abusive techniques to keep you there.

Trust your gut.

OP
You have been given great advice on this thread. You feel unsettled and anxious for a reason.

I agree with the posters who stated if your h can now up his game, it means he could have done so for the last 13 years and deliberately chose not to. He did what he was able to get away with which means he looks out for himself only. Once you see your spouse's awful character; the selfishness, arrogance, willingness to manipulate/control others to get their way, you cannot unsee it.

Can people really change or will they simply be suppressing who they are? How long can the charade go on before they revert back to original self?

Why are spouses, mainly men only willing to turn over a new leaf when they are set to lose their family, home, financial stability? As a poster said the supposed good behaviour is all for their benefit, to get their feet under the table and go back to normality.

My stbexh was willing to do all the work once I made plans to leave. All so his life could plod along as normal while I was still undergoing major trauma from his multiple infidelities, lies, deceit and gaslighting. You cannot bring destruction and pain to someone's life and hope that 'sorry' and weekly visits to a counsellor will bring reconciliation. At times, you have to call it quits and move on. Like you I tried but could not go on once I hit the two year mark.

"Too little too late.This is an awful relationship,soon he will stop “being helpful” and revert back to the old ways,controlling and using you as before.End it now forget what your parents say.Do you jointly own a property?look at your finances.Take control now you can do this for yourself and the children.Good luck."

This with bells on. As other PP have said - you must also be very conscious that if he can behave this way now, he could have been behaving this way for years. But he didn't care enough to do so. He only cared enough when you left and he was suddenly on his own.

You feel deflated because you don't want to be with him any more. Your feelings died (unsurprisingly) and they're not coming back. He knows that - that's why he keeps asking for reassurance about how you feel. And you thought you'd got away and now you're feeling sucked back in and utterly crushed.

Your parents let you down by encouraging you to go back. Children do best when both parents are happy. That's not the situation now. And why on earth should your parents feel ashamed? A great many marriages end in divorce - there's no shame in it at all. What is a shame is where people feel obliged to stay in unhappy marriages. Life is not a dress rehearsal - we only have one shot at it and it shouldn't be wasted by staying in situations which make us wretchedly unhappy when we can get away from them.

It sounds like a good next step would be for you to take some legal advice on separation and a look at the practicalities of separating. You don't have to follow through but it should give you a better idea of whether or not you want to go through with separating.

Your feelings for him are dead.

Death by a thousand cuts.

He still isn't doing much is he, he's possessive and controlling.

Sadly we tried to warn you it was over.

You went back, you tried, please walk away knowing it was too little far too late. You don't love him and you don't like him. Please don't let your DC carry on seeing that a miserable marriage is what is normal and replicate it when they are older.

“The fact that your parents don't like him to the extent they don't want to see him but pushed you into reconciliation is very off.”

I agree with this. Were you taught to put up and shut up as child in an authoritarian household? Seems that you have been trained to adapt and tolerate others demands and behaviours way above your own.

You have tried too hard for too long with a difficult, entitled and draining character who has depleted you.

Can you imagine your DD telling you how she was being exploited, controlled and manipulated for years and that she had finally escaped and was at the end of her tether …. would you order her back into that pit?

It's over OP, it was the same with my first husband, 8 years of shit and then when I filed for divorce suddenly he'd do this and then that and all of a sudden wanted counselling.
It didn't fool me, and quite honestly by that stage I did not care, I just wanted shot of him.
Your inner senses are telling you that.
The way your husband is behaving gives me the creeps. File for divorce and be done with it. You will be amazed by how happy you are when it's all over. You will have your life back.

Agree it's over. He hasn't changed. He's done a few token things is all.

So hes starting to change. Thats good. But he can't expect you to forget the treatment he gave you the past 13 years. Doing a few school runs and buying an iron isn't going to fix this overnight.

You say he has said he is going to do cooking and washing. he isn't actually doing it yet though?

It does seem like he is doing enough to get you to believe he is changing, but he isn't going all out and simply getting on and doing it, is he? Just talking about doing it.

Hoovering you back in. Until he is actually doing these things and doing them continually you won't be able to believe him based on the last 13 years. Its going to take time. You're probably just waiting for the mask to slip again which is why you can't relax.

Oh and also the comment about the gap widening. Is that so if you decide you can't make it work, that he can then say he tried so hard and it was you causing the problem?
Men hate being blamed for anything, especially things caused by their own behaviour.

Even if he has changed, he’s treated you as a skivvy and taken advantage of you for 13 years. That’s why you can’t overnight turn into a happy couple.

Thinking about it more he hasn't actually changed. The stuff he is doing now is stuff he was always capable of doing. Him, his personality, who he is hasn't changed. He's still that same person just doing more because he's been forced into it. He doesn't understand, appreciate or respect you any differently.

Too little, too late. Where is

Bookworm
I agree that men struggle to take the blame even when they are clearly at fault. It is almost as if they cannot see themselves as the person who took a particular mode of action. Their desire to change the narrative and even manipulate their spouse/partner into looking at a situation from a point of view that benefits them is shocking.

When my stbexh confessed to various infidelities, he actually stated the person who did those things was not him and referred to the adultery as if it 'happened' to him rather than him playing a lead role. I was so desperate to save my marriage that I tied myself up in knots to rationalise what he did, almost convincing myself that he was somehow vulnerable to the women's advances

I am utterly ashamed that I allowed myself to be manipulated in this way and that I allowed stbexh to take advantage of my damaged emotional state.

You’re not happy because he’s only giving you what should’ve been his fair share from the start. He’s not ‘trying’ he’s doing what he should’ve done all along.

I’ve been there with exes and when they’ve ‘tried’ all I keep thinking is for x number of months/years you showed me who you were and not once in those years was i good enough to do all this for but now I am? Why?

Why weren’t you good enough for him to do those things he should’ve done previously but now you are? It can’t all be fear of you leaving. I never buy that.

It's too soon to tell of the changes are sustainable. Could all be smoke and mirrors. If you are still feeling unhappy I think you already know this. FWIW I don't think people can change. Good luck OP

Also why did it take you leaving for him to pull his weight? ...

@Daleksatemyshed

Thirteen years of being a selfish, controlling arse can't be wiped away by two months of being vaguely decent Op, no wonder you're not happy. All his desperate talk about you pulling away is just trying to guilt trip you _ he's a new man, doing lovely things, now you have to love him again . Sadly, once the resentment sets in the love dies and it's too hard to get it back, too little, too late. You and your DC will be fine on your own Op, you don't have to stay if you don't want to regardless of what he and your parents say

Exactly this. He treated you badly for thirteen years. He could have chosen to treat you properly, lovingly. He didn't. Get your finances sorted and get out. You will be fine.

To be fair the fact he is doing it all now would make me even more furious. I don't blame you. You know your worth.

It's too little too late sometimes!