DH has changed for the better and I’m still not happy

[Avocadowannabe]

I had a thread over the summer where I left DH for five weeks and then went back.
The backdrop was that he’d opted out of the dc and family life since dc1 was born 13 years ago and I’d operated largely on my own. As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.
We moved back in - mainly due to my dd being so upset and pressure from my parents to do so.
And to be fair he is a changed man. Since we moved back in September I’ve had two nights away, he is doing half of the morning school runs (I work 30 hours a week and prior to this was doing absolutely everything), he is better with the dc, he hasn’t been off doing his hobby (although I have no issue with him having a hobby tbh, even though it was every weekend and several evenings a week, I get he needs some time to himself too, it’s been his own choice to give up for now).
He’s been saying all the right things, he says he was unreasonable and his behaviour was a ‘piss take.’ He was originally putting some pressure on around sex but has backed off somewhat. Not entirely mind you, but somewhat, because sex has been a major issue for us as in we never have it. He has ordered a new iron and says he’s going to learn how to use the washing machine and do half the washing and ironing. He says he is going to cook dinner three times a week - please bear in mind that prior to this not once ever. He is doing bedtime for the youngest dc two or three nights a week - again not once prior to this.

He’s being more reasonable over the money. I ordered the dc some winter clothes and he paid. He has recognised that they are expensive and taking them out places is expensive. He’s being much more willing to discuss money.

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off. He wants me sat next to him or near him all the time. He holds onto me when I try and pull away and demands ‘one more kiss.’ I don’t know, it’s still not right and it should be. I’m finding it frustrating that I do not feel better than I do. The dc are happier I think. DH keeps saying he’s happier and how he’d much rather spend time with us than anything else which makes me slightly 🙄 because he’s had years to do that and hasn’t.
I still feel anxious and sad. I’m considering going to my parents’ for the weekend - just me - because I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I want to want it to work. I should be happy and I am not. Why am I not? We have gone from spending a lot of time with my parents to never seeing them. DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go, but my parents don’t like him. Consequently since September I’ve barely seen them and nor have the dc.
He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here. But I still feel disconnected.

Calling you 6 times on your night out is insanely controlling. Classic controlling.

I think I need to leave. Again.
I don’t want to but I’m not sure there’s any other option.
I am absolutely not attracted to him. The kissing and constantly asking about kissing is gross.

He is controlling and creepy.

Your parents sound deeply unhelpful too op. You left him and they pressured you to go back, but they don't like him and now he is saying you can only seeing them with him there so you don't see them at all.

What jumps out at me is that your every move is controlled by either your dh or your parents.

I would drop the lot of them. You sound like a very capable, level headed person who can run their own life just fine.

Also, asking for one more kiss or holding you in a hug against your wishes is unacceptable, coercive behaviour.

No wonder you don't want physical contact with him. His behaviour is that of a letch.

@Avocadowannabe

I think I need to leave. Again. I don’t want to but I’m not sure there’s any other option. I am absolutely not attracted to him. The kissing and constantly asking about kissing is gross.

Have you spoken to a solicitor ? Is there any reason why he can’t leave ?

You’ve got resent and the ick. It does need to end, for you.

You've definitely got the ick, you can't go back from the ick

You had the resentment, he's trying to build bridges you've already binned it all off.

There is literally nothing this man could do now, you've made your mind up so I would personally split up before it gets real messy.

@GoodnightGrandma

You’ve got resent and the ick. It does need to end, for you.

Resentment

It's an act and a pisspoor one. He used to do fuck all. Now he's doing next to fuck all. And he expects a medal for this! And he's squashing you into accepting new smothering rules!

Christ, love, he's treating you like a slave & a stupid one at that.

Your parents are going to have a divorced daughter so go & see them on your own and tell them this. Their behaviour was utterly shameful making you go back to that vile, cruel man. There is no shame in getting away from him.

@Avocadowannabe

He keeps asking how much I love him and if we’ll be ok. Telling me how precious I am and how I’ll never be on my own again etc etc. Asking me to never leave him.

I couldn't cope with this. No wonder you feel unhappy.

sounds like its all too late. Its good that hes listened and finally taken it on board, and youve given it a go, but actually its made you realise that you just cant get over the way youve been treated and used as a skivvy for years. Its changed the way you feel and unfortunately its now all too little too late and you cant help the way you feel

I think if I said ‘get off, stop kissing me’ he’d let me go...but then he’d be angry.
I need some space from it all.
He’s been off the same days as me over half term so now I’m never away from him. I’m at work or with him.

Are your work supportive?

An ex colleague of mine booked annual leave without telling her partner and used our lovely manager's office to plan her escape which I thought was so fucking clever.

She couldn't access counselling / legal support through our work but of course some places do that too.

Would work be able to give you support at all even if it's just a few days annual leave you can be out of the house in work hours getting your ducks in a row / getting your head around some logistics?

He works from home so he’s here all the time, even when I’m out at work.
I feel extremely panicky tonight.

Just detach emotionally in your head.

No need to tell everyone.

Plan your next logistical moves privately.

Then get all the emotional support you need in place (therapist / supportive friend).

When you are emotionally and logistically ready then push the button.

Don’t involve him or be goaded by his nonsense.

Expect him to be vile once you decide to go - so make sure you have everything locked down that you can in order to protect yourself emotionally and financially.

Your DD will likely find it much easier this time - maybe not immediately but in time she will adapt. A preoccupied, eroded, depleted mother is no good to her.

Can you take yourself off out for the next few hours? Go to the shops, sit in a cafe? Or for a swim?

Take a deep breath. Can you get out for an hour or 2 to get some shopping or go see your DP on your own. Just to clear your head?

Sometimes it does get overwhelming. Try to see your doctor and get something for your anxiety and panic attacks. You might not need anything but knowing you have the option could be enough to get you through it.

The doctor can arrange talk therapy for you which you could do at the surgery if privacy is a problem.

You sound like you need to leave. He’s overwhelming you with demands, and getting you to make promises whilst not stepping up delivering what he said he would. I think you feel like he’s only pretending to have changed, you don’t believe he has?

I think he might have changed but it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Im no happier than I was before all this started.
He’s cooking dinner now 😱

Wow meal of the month. You don't need a reason to leave. You can just leave because the relationship is not fulfilling for you. You have been grieving his relationship for years before now. It's ok to say it's too little to late.

Everyone is saying he's now doing what he should have been doing for the last 13 years but it's still not true is it? He's hardly even putting in the bare minimum when it comes to actions.

Like others said - would you be able to tell him if you didn't like what he cooked or would he go off on one?

@Avocadowannabe

He works from home so he’s here all the time, even when I’m out at work. I feel extremely panicky tonight.

I'm so sorry OP. Make the decision in your head now. Emotionally, the relationship is over for you. Sit with that for a while instead of letting the panic consume you. Let the relief of making that decision wash over you.

Can you use your time at work to plan, as he's always around at home? Could you book annual leave, not tell him, go 'to work' but actually get your plans together during those hours?

I would tell him you're overwhelmed in general and need him to back off the physical stuff and that if he doesn't respect that, he will be 'widening the gap' between you or whatever bullshit phrase he likes using (god he sounds insufferable) so that you aren't being pawed at while you plan your exit.

It is truly skin crawlingly suffocating having someone want physical contact when you've checked out, times a million when they're a manipulator like him. Which is what he is.

He 'allowed' you to have a night away - you shouldn't be in a dynamic where you consider him the gatekeeper of your free time. AND he utterly sabotaged your time away so you wouldn't be able to have thinking space or enjoy time away from him. He wants your world to be full of him - if not in person physically, not letting you have personal space, then through calls and even that's not enough, he wants face times, and reassurance etc etc.

It's stifling just reading about him.

You must try to plan your exit my love, this is going to make you ill

He is keeping you close so you cannot leave again isn't he? No other reason. His over sexual ownership behaviour hasn't changed at all. It's like a dog marking it's scent.

It's just so grim.

OP your situation really resonates with me. I had similar, years and years of struggling on my own while work came first every single time and he claimed to want to spend time with the children and I but his actions consistently said otherwise.

Mine was better than yours in that he semi independently recognised the need to change (there were a LOT of other issues that did also improve very gradually) but for me, while I recognised the effort involved on his part in making the changes, it was all too little too late - I realised this summer that my love for him was gone, I totally had the ick, and we split up a few weeks ago.
The way he’s behaved since has shown me very very clearly that the ‘nice guy’ facade has been just that and his true self is not particularly nice at all, which has made me 100% sure that I made the right decision.
I’m only a few weeks out so I don’t know how I’ll feel long term or what the future will hold but as it stands, like I said, I’m totally confident it was the right call (and that’s despite him doing all he can to make my life hell) - even though I’m exhausted from his neverending bullshit, underneath that I feel a freedom and a lightness of being I’ve not felt in years.