DH has changed for the better and I’m still not happy

[Avocadowannabe]

I had a thread over the summer where I left DH for five weeks and then went back.
The backdrop was that he’d opted out of the dc and family life since dc1 was born 13 years ago and I’d operated largely on my own. As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.
We moved back in - mainly due to my dd being so upset and pressure from my parents to do so.
And to be fair he is a changed man. Since we moved back in September I’ve had two nights away, he is doing half of the morning school runs (I work 30 hours a week and prior to this was doing absolutely everything), he is better with the dc, he hasn’t been off doing his hobby (although I have no issue with him having a hobby tbh, even though it was every weekend and several evenings a week, I get he needs some time to himself too, it’s been his own choice to give up for now).
He’s been saying all the right things, he says he was unreasonable and his behaviour was a ‘piss take.’ He was originally putting some pressure on around sex but has backed off somewhat. Not entirely mind you, but somewhat, because sex has been a major issue for us as in we never have it. He has ordered a new iron and says he’s going to learn how to use the washing machine and do half the washing and ironing. He says he is going to cook dinner three times a week - please bear in mind that prior to this not once ever. He is doing bedtime for the youngest dc two or three nights a week - again not once prior to this.

He’s being more reasonable over the money. I ordered the dc some winter clothes and he paid. He has recognised that they are expensive and taking them out places is expensive. He’s being much more willing to discuss money.

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off. He wants me sat next to him or near him all the time. He holds onto me when I try and pull away and demands ‘one more kiss.’ I don’t know, it’s still not right and it should be. I’m finding it frustrating that I do not feel better than I do. The dc are happier I think. DH keeps saying he’s happier and how he’d much rather spend time with us than anything else which makes me slightly 🙄 because he’s had years to do that and hasn’t.
I still feel anxious and sad. I’m considering going to my parents’ for the weekend - just me - because I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I want to want it to work. I should be happy and I am not. Why am I not? We have gone from spending a lot of time with my parents to never seeing them. DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go, but my parents don’t like him. Consequently since September I’ve barely seen them and nor have the dc.
He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here. But I still feel disconnected.

Oh, pet, listen to your feelings and your needs. He's still desperately controlling and smothering.

If he knew you were unhappy for 13 years, why didn't he go anything about it? That's how much he cares about you.

I think it's gone too far - you resent him for the 13 years of taking the piss. Can you ever come back from this? I wouldn't be able to.

Don't let him guilt you into reassuring him that you love him or will stay with him. He doesn't deserve it. Your happiness is important too.

He is still controlling you Op. Your posts scream this out - he has 'allowed' you to have time away but has constantly contacted you during this as he is 'worried'. He wants to visit your parents with you. The list goes on.

It's an act, a way of trying to ensure that you go back in your box and are grateful for everything that he does as proof of his commitment. And gradually it will all back to normal anyway. Plus any reasonably intelligent person who has a plan to learn how to use a washing machine is taking the piss.

Good luck.

I dont agree what he is doing now is the basic standard for a decent husband. Vacuuming once? In a whole month? No. That’s not the baseline fir a decent husband at all. Far from it.

DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go
He is controlling and hasnt changed. He doesnt want you alone with your parents as he knows they dont like him. He doesnt want you to have any thinking space because he knows youll leave.

He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here
He is absolutely at fault. He is controlling and has made your life difficult, allowing you no time to yourself. This hasn't changed.

@Avocadowannabe you've checked out haven't you?

he’s allowed me to have two nights away

Allowed?! Sorry that’s very telling language. Why does he control your time? I don’t allow my husband time with friends and nor does he with me. We discuss and agree arrangements with each other as equals.

He still sees you as subservient and inferior to him. The multiple calls when you’re away add to this. He sees you as his property, not as a person. He’s only doing a little amount of things that aren’t that much to appear great, but you’re comparing him to the wrong measure, his old behaviour which was zilch help.

Please get away from this controlling awful manipulative man. Safely.

Thank you - I feel a bit less awful that I still am not happy now.
My parents encouraged me back because they think it’s best for the kids and I don’t think they wanted the hassle / shame (as they see it) of a divorced daughter.

When I was away the night he also FaceTimed me twice. I wasn’t on for long because I was busy and out and about and then he was messaging me saying ‘has the gap between us just widened again?’

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off

I think you would be completely unrealistic to have expected the relationship to feel ok. You've had years and years of shite, you've left him and come back and now your questioning the fact the dynamic feels 'off'

If you do want to try again you need to be very very very very patient and you need to keep talking and listening.

Presumably there was once something that you liked about him. You choose him to be the father of your kids after all. He sounds awful but you must have liked him once.

You have three options. Leave him, go for some heavy duty counselling or give it a LOT of time and effort and see if things improve.

The option for him to instantly become a good husband and for you to instantly love him again never existed

When he does things like phoning you 6 times when you are away are you telling him why it's annoying?

@Avocadowannabe

Since being back he’s done half the morning school runs, none of the pick ups, he’s been better at doing stuff with / for the dc, he’s done some of the bedtimes for dc2, he’s allowed me to have two nights away, he’s asking what I’d like to watch on tv and stuff - whereas before it was always his and we just had on whatever he wanted, he’s vacuumed once and cleaned the bathrooms once too.

Oh OP, this is not a changed man. He’s still doing the bare minimum. 50% of morning school runs (so 2-3 a week compared to your 7-8 including the afternoons), one instance of hoovering and one cleaning of a bathroom in a few weeks is not a changed man.

‘Allowing’ you to have two nights away (that he interfered with so it wasn’t a proper break) and letting you watch your choice on the TV - this is pretty pathetic effort wise. Also horrible you needed to be ‘allowed’, that you frame it that way. Some bedtimes and some stuff with the children - again the bare minimum.

No wonder you don’t feel right - his pisspoor effort is still at odds with his grand narrative of change.

No shame in being divorced, your parents are wrong. I hope you know that in your heart.
He ‘allowed’ you nights away.... really consider what that means! He is your gaoler, your financial controller, your yardstick on how much domestic duty you get to do because he can opt in and out.
How would it feel to be free of that? It would not be a shame to be happy and in control of your own self x

This is no good OP, I bet he hasn't changed at all and this is just some sort of false, weird, act to keep you. I'd honestly be making plans to leave permanently, he did the damage in 13 years and it sounds like you've passed the point of no return.

It's because you absolutely know in your heart of hearts that he's masking - that this isn't the real him, and you're just waiting for the mask to slip. In many ways you, although you found much of it wearing, you were probably used to doing things alone or with the kids and now you feel suffocated because everything has to be done together now. I also suspect you have a touch of the ick. The fact that you're still not having sex suggests that you don't fancy him anymore, you don't trust him, and intimacy with him is almost a 'surrender' and a licence to go back to how things were.

OP, listen to your heart, your gut feeling, and all the PPs.
This relationship is not making you happy. This man is the same abusive, smothering, controlling shit he always was. He is just doing the minimum he can get away with to hook you back in, then he will drop the pretence.
You are still tense, anxious, walking on eggshells, don’t desire him or fancy him or love him. The thought of sex with him repels you. You have 13 years of hurt, it’s way too late, and the leopard doesn’t change its spots. You are just waiting for the explosion when he can’t pretend any more.
Your language is very telling: “He allows me two nights out.
Wtf?! A gaoler “allows” a prisoner out. A husband has no business controlling his wife’s spare time.
OP, you need to see a solicitor and put this marriage out of its terminal misery.

You left him and then went back. He is trying his best. He may be over compensating as he's worried you're going to leave again. You're not convinced he has changed, like the smoker who just gives up it can happen but not always.

If you're not happy with his behaviour let him know what annoys you (and of course ask him what behaviours you have that annoy him). Perhaps you shouldn't have gone back.

Gosh this sounds difficult. I was in a similar situation 18 months ago but in my case DH changed for the better emotionally as well as in what he did to contribute to family life. ( counselling, mindfulness) . I had some therapy to that helped me work out what was important to me.
Your DH sounds claustrophobic , you can’t be expected to switch your feelings off like a switch. He needs to give you time and space and reestablish intimacy on your terms and at your pace IF that is what you want. His neediness does not sound attractive.

this marriage is far from being fixed at the moment. It’s not just about how many jobs there are to do and he needs to understand that.

Please look after yourself, spend time away from him and work out what is right for you. Big hug

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he's doing all that much now. So what, he's doing half of morning school runs and in two months he's picked the hoover and cleaned the bathroom ONCE. I'm pretty sure you've done more than quadruple that amount, along with his washing, the ironing, and the cooking and cleaning. He's still not doing that much, he's just ground you down to the point that you think you should feel grateful. He's still controlling you by calling you loads, 'letting' you watch what you want on TV, and 'letting' you go out for a walk.

Do not feel any guilt leaving this man. Your daughter will realise she doesn't have to put up with this treatment in future relationships. You will not be losing weight or feeling constant pressure to perform happiness. Just think of a home with no more arguments, no more sex pest, no more controlling abuse, or financial abuse. You can have that OP. You can have peace. Follow your joy.

@Avocadowannabe

Thank you - I feel a bit less awful that I still am not happy now. My parents encouraged me back because they think it’s best for the kids and I don’t think they wanted the hassle / shame (as they see it) of a divorced daughter.

When I was away the night he also FaceTimed me twice. I wasn’t on for long because I was busy and out and about and then he was messaging me saying ‘has the gap between us just widened again?’

This is really manipulative and controlling. I am not surprised that you are so unhappy, manipulative people are really difficult because they make you doubt your own feelings. He is saying what he thinks he needs to say in order to stop you leaving but he is still behaving in a really abnormal and unpleasant way, and you are caught up in that. Would be better to tell him not to call you unless there is an emergency. What did your friend think ? He spoiled your time out with her. Really OP I think you would be far happier if you divorce him. He can do hoovering or whatever but he will never be able to turn into a normal, considerate person.

When I was away the night he also FaceTimed me twice. I wasn’t on for long because I was busy and out and about and then he was messaging me saying ‘has the gap between us just widened again?’

Very controlling. Reminded me of Kevin can F himself. He phones and phones and phones when she is not with him and when she doesn't answer, he reports the car she is driving stolen to the police.

When I was away the night he also FaceTimed me twice. I wasn’t on for long because I was busy and out and about and then he was messaging me saying ‘has the gap between us just widened again?’

I'd be tempted to say that everytime he interrupts your night out, yes, the gap widens.

I was in the exact same position when I got back together with exh after a year and he acted like a changed man with me and the dc, making lots of effort saying he had made a big mistake. I was too resentful of his laziness and lack of engagement in family life for the previous ten years that I couldn’t forgive him. I agree with pp that it’s not sincere.

Beware, when we finally separated he got really nasty and I had a very messy divorce involving police, courts etc and he has tried to make my life as difficult as possible ever since as he did not get what he wanted.

Thirteen years of being a selfish, controlling arse can't be wiped away by two months of being vaguely decent Op, no wonder you're not happy. All his desperate talk about you pulling away is just trying to guilt trip you _ he's a new man, doing lovely things, now you have to love him again . Sadly, once the resentment sets in the love dies and it's too hard to get it back, too little, too late.
You and your DC will be fine on your own Op, you don't have to stay if you don't want to regardless of what he and your parents say

“As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.”

Because he was well aware what he had done - v consciously thrown you under the bus for 13 years …. and now, months later he is still just SAYING the right things - because he is calculating and calibrating what is the minimum he can get away with - ie how low is YOUR bar. This isn’t about parity or equality - his actions show he is totally self serving - this is about his neediness for himself - not about you.

It seems he has calculated that if he says hw will make amends and do half but actually only clean the bathroom once in 10 times - that will be enough of a crumb to throw you.

Making amends might be you putting your feet up for the next 13 years and then going 50/50 after that!

You don’t need to tell him anything or keep him reassured.

Don’t concern yourself with his emotional state.

Keep noticing, attuning and attending to YOUR needs solely. Just emotionally distance and detach yourself from him in your head. Don’t let him drive this. Give yourself emotional space and trust that your feelings will become clear in time.

You don’t need to get ill / depressed or distracted or subsumed by this. Your DCs need you emotionally available to them in their teenage years. So concentrate on YOU - his needs come last

What @DFOD says! 👏👏

I suggest counselling for you. Alone. That might help you clear your mind.

You are not happy cos you have spent a decade unhappy.

Too little too late.This is an awful relationship,soon he will stop “being helpful” and revert back to the old ways,controlling and using you as before.End it now forget what your parents say.Do you jointly own a property?look at your finances.Take control now you can do this for yourself and the children.Good luck.

Maybe you dont feel happy about it still op because his "improvements" are the bare minimal that are a husband and father should naturally do. It shouldnt of taken him 13 years and you having to leave to get there. NEITHER does he get brownie points or a pat on the back for doing what any other man would do. This isnt behaviour that should be rewarded, you should of been able to expect him to of done this from the start.

The phrase "too little too late" comes to mind. You deserve someone that goes above and beyond for you op, from the get go. And my guess is deep down you know this, and consequently no matter what your husband does now it will not be enough to rectify the past 13 years.