DH has changed for the better and I’m still not happy

[Avocadowannabe]

I had a thread over the summer where I left DH for five weeks and then went back.
The backdrop was that he’d opted out of the dc and family life since dc1 was born 13 years ago and I’d operated largely on my own. As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.
We moved back in - mainly due to my dd being so upset and pressure from my parents to do so.
And to be fair he is a changed man. Since we moved back in September I’ve had two nights away, he is doing half of the morning school runs (I work 30 hours a week and prior to this was doing absolutely everything), he is better with the dc, he hasn’t been off doing his hobby (although I have no issue with him having a hobby tbh, even though it was every weekend and several evenings a week, I get he needs some time to himself too, it’s been his own choice to give up for now).
He’s been saying all the right things, he says he was unreasonable and his behaviour was a ‘piss take.’ He was originally putting some pressure on around sex but has backed off somewhat. Not entirely mind you, but somewhat, because sex has been a major issue for us as in we never have it. He has ordered a new iron and says he’s going to learn how to use the washing machine and do half the washing and ironing. He says he is going to cook dinner three times a week - please bear in mind that prior to this not once ever. He is doing bedtime for the youngest dc two or three nights a week - again not once prior to this.

He’s being more reasonable over the money. I ordered the dc some winter clothes and he paid. He has recognised that they are expensive and taking them out places is expensive. He’s being much more willing to discuss money.

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off. He wants me sat next to him or near him all the time. He holds onto me when I try and pull away and demands ‘one more kiss.’ I don’t know, it’s still not right and it should be. I’m finding it frustrating that I do not feel better than I do. The dc are happier I think. DH keeps saying he’s happier and how he’d much rather spend time with us than anything else which makes me slightly 🙄 because he’s had years to do that and hasn’t.
I still feel anxious and sad. I’m considering going to my parents’ for the weekend - just me - because I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I want to want it to work. I should be happy and I am not. Why am I not? We have gone from spending a lot of time with my parents to never seeing them. DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go, but my parents don’t like him. Consequently since September I’ve barely seen them and nor have the dc.
He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here. But I still feel disconnected.

@Avocadowannabe

It’s actually made it harder, because this is the ‘family unit’ I wanted... and I’m still not happy 🙄 I’m sad nearly all the time. I just feel anxious, and I know that’s overused but my heart races, I can’t eat, I’ve lost another half a stone in weight. I keep waiting to feel better and I don’t. I don’t want him to kiss me and I don’t want his hands all over me. But he’s trying so hard and I feel sorry for him.

This situation is making you ill. When my DH first had anxiety (for which he is now medicated) the racing heart and being unable to eat were symptoms. You need to change the situation to make you well, to support and care for your kids.

Weird controlling love bombing!

Insist on seing your parents with the kids. And not him. Then you know if he really changed.
Why did they pressure you to go back if they dont like him?

He's being extremely manipulative: asking you to promise to never leave him, making his own promises of changing but actually doing fuck all but the minimum. Wanting credit and brownies points for saying he will do things, but not actually fucking doing them. How long is he planning to spend 'learning' how to use the washing machine? What's stopping him actually cooking right now instead of 'going to' at some mystical point in the future?
Being clingy and insecure and suddenly wanting to be around is his new control style as he's realised the old style stopped working. He's saying all the right things, but he's not actually doing all the right things. The things he is actually doing are just different, not better. Ten tp one he's keeping score of his "good husband" tokens (very well put by pp) and he'll be demanding full payment from you soon.

If he's known that you're not happy for 13 years and done nothing about it then his intentions are purely selfish. He's only acting like this now because he doesn't want to lose you and his family.

I'd probably give it a go for the sake of the DC but letting go 13 years of resentment is hard and will take time. That's only if he keeps all this up.

Ugh your posts made my neck itch.

He’s a manipulative bastard. And he thinks you “owe” him something - sex or whatever. OP this won’t come good. He’s controlling and invasive and suffocating.

@Avocadowannabe

He vacuumed yesterday 🤔 I feel squashed. I would like some space but I don’t think that will go down very well. I had a night away with my friend and he called me six times and kept saying he was worried about the gap between us widening again.

Sorry I missed the updates. Very controlling and insecure, tell him that he's the one that fucked this up and even if he does everything right you still have to get past 13 years of him being shit. Demand he gives you space or you're done.

He's not 'doing everything right' he's just found a new way of being controlling

You feel physically ill because you are fighting your instincts telling you this is all wrong

You need to permanently leave and not feel guilty.

So your night out with friends was the time he decides to talk about the gap growing between you?? Ffs that's just controlling in the extreme, under the guise of concern for your relationship. 6 bloody times he tried to drag you into "reassuring" him so he could ruin your night. He's pretending he's fine and "good husband" with you going out, but he's really really not! Wanker husband tactics don't work any more so insecure husband tactics have started. "It's cos I love you sooooo much...." barf!

Sometimes it's not what they do it's who they are.

I think sometimes when we talk about sharing the mental load, family duties etc it's asking for the bare minimum that we would put up with to be settled but there's so much more to a relationship for it to be really fulfilling. We need to be seen for who we are, feel a real connection and unwavering support. He's done very little nof that by the sounds of it.

By acknowledging how unfair it has been on you for all those years it's highlighted that everything is still based in his needs. He chose not to step up. He never did any of these things before because he didn't think about you at all, he put himself first. He's still putting himself first because he's acting only to settle his own anxiety about you leaving and what that would mean for him. You still aren't being seen, heard or understand. He's smothering you so things can go back to normal under the pretence that he just really loves you.

Sounds like you have the ick.

I think he has behaved appallingly for 13 years, but is now terrified that you are going to leave him. He's suddenly realised what he stands to lose. Which is good, in a way, but he's so worried that he can't help being a pain in the arse, calling you all the time when you're away, constantly wanting reassurance with 'one more kiss' etc etc.

It might take quite a bit of time before he' calms down' so it all depends on whether your heart is still in it.

Yikes. At best I’d bide my time and see how he is 1/3/6 months down the line - but the “calling six times” malarkey would be met with a very firm response. At worst (more realistically) I’d be making plans to leave.

It doesn't take 2 months to learn how to press the button on the washing machine. I can see he's doing more than the absolute nothing he previously was, but it feels like an act and I think you can see through that.

Listen to your heart and end it.

He’s not giving you any space to breathe. It’s all on his terms still - him making the grand gestures and promises (though half of what he’s promising appears to not yet be materialising) and smothering you, asking for reassurance, not letting you have space and time to just be yourself and consider how this reconciliation attempt is going for you.

Maybe it is fear and he is sacred of losing you - but if this is the case surely you should be able to sit down with him and explain you need space and to take things slowly and he will respect that because he wants to truly reconcile and rebuild a good and mutual relationship? If he really wanted to do that rather than control you that is.

@Avocadowannabe

He’s not cooking yet. He said last night that’s what he’s going to do, along with the ironing. He says it was a joke that I was getting up so much earlier than him to get the kids to school and then working and then doing everything at the other end of the day too.

He says he’s going to cook and going to iron. He could have done those things already So the only difference is that he does some school runs and hasn’t complained about buying the children winter clothes, that’s pretty standard for any half way decent husband really He’s not winning any prizes

@GoodnightGrandma

The resentment set in years ago. Nothing he can do will mend it. Plan to end it, speak to a solicitor.

This!! What you are feeling is your gut feeling and that will never go away because of his previous actions. Too little too late springs to mind here. I've gone through similar and I ended the marriage

@BrilloPaddy

Listen to your heart and end it.

Agree

What so it's been like nearly two months he's been this changed man? After 13 years of being a shit bag. No wonder you feel anxious it might be because in your heart you know that it could all be an act and he could change back to his normal ways at any minute and it will just cause a huge heartbreaking disappointment.

It does sound like love bombing whatever poster mentioned that. False pretences make us feel anxious as fuck just waiting for the bomb to drop.

Op it's great that he is trying, not a lot of men bother. But 13 years is a long time to rectify this, it's not even been two months.

I'd suggest that you give yourself a timeline and see how you feel after that. Let him know that you appreciate his efforts but need time to see how you feel and that this can not just be solved overnight.

If you still feel the same by that point you set out for yourself then the relationship can't be saved.

Saying that, you have the option to cut your losses now if you feel anxious and you know in your heart that it's not right. How much are time can you give is up to you.

The thing is, OP, that he has not "changed" because it is the right thing to do, or to be fair to you, after years and years of doing exactly as he pleased. He has "changed" because he realised you had had enough of his selfishness and preferred to be without him. That doesn't suit him, so he has had to dramatically change tack. Primarily, his concern is what suits HIM (still having a wife/family home) not that his has had a Damascene conversion after seeing the error of his ways.

You find it unpalatable because it is false and self serving. He has got your head in a spin because he is doing everything you ever asked (or rather talking about it), but its all to suit his own agenda.

I am also cynical about how long it will last/if he can keep it up, particularly as he is talking the talk about the washing/ironing/cooking but hasn't done any yet. I bet once he feels his feet are back under the table he will slack off again.

You sound like a nice person but try to look at this objectively. If you don't want to stay in the marriage, you do not have to.

Just out of interest, these (50% of) school runs he’s been doing - is that literally just dropping to school, or all the other morning stuff too? I’m not clear on how many DC you have, is it your 13 year old and younger children? That obviously impacts how much stuff needs doing before the school run!

Or have you been getting them ready to go and he pops them in the car /walks with them?

Since being back he’s done half the morning school runs, none of the pick ups, he’s been better at doing stuff with / for the dc, he’s done some of the bedtimes for dc2, he’s allowed me to have two nights away, he’s asking what I’d like to watch on tv and stuff - whereas before it was always his and we just had on whatever he wanted, he’s vacuumed once and cleaned the bathrooms once too.

@Hoppinggreen I agree with this as well.

What he is doing now is standard for any decent husband. He's acknowledged he needs to change and he is acting yes, but this is expected of anyone in any relationship isn't it? You are just so used to his shitty behaviour that from your perspective it's a massive deal. You have dropped the bar so low that having him cook and use the washer is a mega achievement.

In reality, in a normal relationship, it's a
Pretty standard thing to do. He doesn't need any medals here (from the sounds of what sort of person he is I feel like he might eventually expect a medal for it?!) He's just playing his part.

Listen to your feelings and your needs Op. it's very early days. If you want your space and feel suffocated then you go and get your space. Respect your needs. This will take time to fix if this is fixable and the last thing you need to feel is you drowning in that time.

Oh OP. He's done a number on you. Treats you appallingly for 13 years, then, when you finally decide you've had enough he starts promising the moon and then STILL manages to make YOU feel bad because you aren't suddenly madly in love with him again, and having sex every day. And YOU are now responsible for constantly reassuring him that you love him.

I'd run personally. Long and far. If you can't bring yourself to do that, decide some absolutely clear lines you are not willing to cross and state them explicitly, "I WILL see my parents weekly, I don't want to hear from you when I'm out with my friends unless it's an emergency, you will be cooking three times a week from today." And see what happens (spoiler - I don't think he'll like it).