DH has changed for the better and I’m still not happy

[Avocadowannabe]

I had a thread over the summer where I left DH for five weeks and then went back.
The backdrop was that he’d opted out of the dc and family life since dc1 was born 13 years ago and I’d operated largely on my own. As soon as I left he immediately was saying all the right stuff, I didn’t have to tell him.
We moved back in - mainly due to my dd being so upset and pressure from my parents to do so.
And to be fair he is a changed man. Since we moved back in September I’ve had two nights away, he is doing half of the morning school runs (I work 30 hours a week and prior to this was doing absolutely everything), he is better with the dc, he hasn’t been off doing his hobby (although I have no issue with him having a hobby tbh, even though it was every weekend and several evenings a week, I get he needs some time to himself too, it’s been his own choice to give up for now).
He’s been saying all the right things, he says he was unreasonable and his behaviour was a ‘piss take.’ He was originally putting some pressure on around sex but has backed off somewhat. Not entirely mind you, but somewhat, because sex has been a major issue for us as in we never have it. He has ordered a new iron and says he’s going to learn how to use the washing machine and do half the washing and ironing. He says he is going to cook dinner three times a week - please bear in mind that prior to this not once ever. He is doing bedtime for the youngest dc two or three nights a week - again not once prior to this.

He’s being more reasonable over the money. I ordered the dc some winter clothes and he paid. He has recognised that they are expensive and taking them out places is expensive. He’s being much more willing to discuss money.

And yet there’s still something about our dynamic that seems off. He wants me sat next to him or near him all the time. He holds onto me when I try and pull away and demands ‘one more kiss.’ I don’t know, it’s still not right and it should be. I’m finding it frustrating that I do not feel better than I do. The dc are happier I think. DH keeps saying he’s happier and how he’d much rather spend time with us than anything else which makes me slightly 🙄 because he’s had years to do that and hasn’t.
I still feel anxious and sad. I’m considering going to my parents’ for the weekend - just me - because I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I want to want it to work. I should be happy and I am not. Why am I not? We have gone from spending a lot of time with my parents to never seeing them. DH says if I want to go out with them for the day we can all go, but my parents don’t like him. Consequently since September I’ve barely seen them and nor have the dc.
He says I need to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling. He is absolutely not at fault here. But I still feel disconnected.

You sound like you’re suffocating, op. Your dh is going through the motions but there seems to be no emotional connection between you. He hasn’t really changed, has he?

Is it possible that he realises the end is nigh?

And is it that you are worried that he's trying to erase 13 years of shit behaviour by saying to everyone..."But I mended my ways, I cooked 3 nights a week and did half the school runs and it still wasn't enough for her"
Is he worried that his reputation will plummet.

Because he can do all those things as a dad anyway, even if you are not together. So its positive from that aspect. He understands that he has to put more effort in, in order to be seen as a reasonable person

Was ringing you six times on a night out a way of saying to the people you are with... Look how much effort I'm making.

He may be genuinely trying to mend his ways or he may be making sure that he looks like he tried and you were being unreasonable.

But in the end, it doesn't matter. After 13 years, a month or so of good behaviour is neither here nor there and one can say "Thanks, I appreciate your efforts, this bodes well for co-parenting separately"

If you reverse this. He made things unbearable and left you coping virtually alone for 13 years. He promised to change so you went back, but it wasn't enough after 13 crap years. So you don't have to feel pressurised by the fact he's suddenly being "good".

Last ditch attempts are just that, and you don't have to justify your decision to anyone around you. It's your life, only you know how you feel and what its really like and you have to make the best decision for you and your DC.

As for shame your parents feel about divorce... this is 2021 not 1920, they need to wake up.

You ask why are you not happy? Because he hasn’t changed at all, he’s still doing things that make you uncomfortable, he’s just saying all the right things to make you stay. And here you are thinking there’s something wrong with you.

I hope you can break free.

Sometimes things just go too far and there is no coming back.

The thing that makes me hesitant on your behalf is the fact he immediately admitted he’d been taking the piss for 13 years!!! He knew he was treating you like shit and continued because he thought you’d put up with it?

I’d almost trust him more if he said he didn’t realise you’d been doing so much/ thought you were happy/had been sidetracked by work/ or thought his contribution was enough etc.

His reason for checking out of the family 12 years ago is what exactly?

No wonder you don’t trust him after a couple of months!

It's perfectly understandable you feel this way @Avocadowannabe He's been absolutely useless for 13 years and he thinks he can erase all of that by 'learning to use the washing machine'????? I don't think so. In 15 years mine has never cooked once, never cleaned the bathroom once, hoovered literally 4 or 5 times, can count the school runs he has done on one hand, and doesn't bother playing out with the kids. All of that is left to me, and I also work 30 hours a week like you. But he does the washing up, and acts like he's waiting for a certificate or something. He knows how unhappy I am, and hasn't really bothered himself to change things. But even if he suddenly became husband of the year, father of the year, showered me with attention and maybe wanted to have sex with me for the first time in 10 years, I don't want anything from him. I've already left him in my head. There's no coming back. This is your life, OP. Your parents should see how unhappy you are. There is no shame in divorce!!!! The worst thing would be to live your life unhappy and resentful. How dare he think he's making up for everything now? I am furious for you!!! You are entitled to a happy life, and I think you'd find that away from this man, if you can call him that. Good luck OP

I remember your previous thread(s). What jumps out at me is that you don't really know each other on anything other than a superficial level. After such a long (15 yr+?) marriage most people will have a deep understanding of how their partner thinks and why they behave the way they do. In your case you've effectively been strangers for the last 13 years and neither of you really know the other person.

If this resonates with you - and you want (really want) to resolve it - then some sort of counselling would help; probably individual to start with then joint if the individual goes well. But both parties need to be honest, looking forward rather than backwards and prepared to but in a lot of work, some of which will be painful.

I'm afraid to say I think you don't find him sexually attractive any more and his clinginess is therefore a complete and utter turn off.
Were you happier when you were apart?
If he stopped the clinginess and just acted normally could you respect that more and connect with him again? If not, I think it is over, maybe not today or next week but sometime.

but = put.

Avocadowannabe

He keeps asking how much I love him and if we’ll be ok. Telling me how precious I am and how I’ll never be on my own again etc etc. Asking me to never leave him.“

Just reading that makes me shudder.

I agree with this.

I also imagine that this wasn’t news to him - that you asked, cajoled, begged, pleaded, nagged, raged, imploded and eventually submitted exhausted, depleted and eroded.

This is what he was happy for the consequences to be - to see you his life partner subjugated - to see his children’s mother fall apart for his children’s family to break up - that’s how far he took his entitlement.

And he is doing the same now - he’s comfortable that you are miserable as long as he gets to save face and keep the unit together for his needs.

No wonder your DPs don’t like him.

You don't love him.
He's still controlling you.
No matter how much he steps up, if the above don't change then you will be happier apart.

I would say that there is probably nothing he can 'do' now that would change the way you feel about him.

And that is okay

@MrsSkylerWhite

Avocadowannabe

He keeps asking how much I love him and if we’ll be ok. Telling me how precious I am and how I’ll never be on my own again etc etc. Asking me to never leave him.“

Just reading that makes me shudder.

Agreed I feel claustrophobic just reading it

@Nomoreporridge

The thing that makes me hesitant on your behalf is the fact he immediately admitted he’d been taking the piss for 13 years!!! He knew he was treating you like shit and continued because he thought you’d put up with it?

I’d almost trust him more if he said he didn’t realise you’d been doing so much/ thought you were happy/had been sidetracked by work/ or thought his contribution was enough etc.

His reason for checking out of the family 12 years ago is what exactly?

No wonder you don’t trust him after a couple of months!

Whoops meant to quote this. I agree with this.

I think he sounds really menacing OP. He is still controlling you, he's just cleverly found a different way to do it.
Sod what your parents think about having a divorced daughter. They obviously don't have your best interests at heart, in fact, they sound bloody horrible!
You have got rid of him once and you can do it again. If you're feeling smothered and uncomfortable it's time to tell him it's not working and he needs to leave.

It sounds like he's always been abusive and now he's changed his control tactics in order to stop you going anywhere.

You feel uncomfortable and sad because you know his efforts are insincere. But also, the fact that he's upping his game now shows you that he's always been capable of doing it, he just chose not to because he couldn't be fucked.

He will never be the person you wish he was. You're realising that now.

Everyone has said what I'd say.

But go to your parents, on your own. Just tell him what you're doing. You don't need his permission.

Talk properly to your parents and tell them you're done, that you plan to see a solicitor and that this time you want their help and support!

And as they say, get your ducks in a row.

(He's only doing what he'll be expected to do when he has the kids on his own anyway!)

He’s talking the talk but actually doing fuck all? Bar a couple of school runs. He’s now suffocating you cos he’s scared shitless he’ll have to step up massively if you dump him. He’s not actually doing anything-cleaned the bathroom once? Cooked once? Keeps telling you he’s GOING to do things but hasn’t yet? No wonder you’ve got the ick. Hands all over you? Ugh!

He’s treated you like a domestic servant/nanny for 13 years, which is appalling and you rightly feel used, put upon, and taken for granted.

He could come in tomorrow, shower you in diamonds and insist you don’t lift a finger for a year, it will not take away the fact he’s not a very nice person, who treated you dreadfully for 13 years!

Listen to what your body is telling you x

@Avocadowannabe

Since being back he’s done half the morning school runs, none of the pick ups, he’s been better at doing stuff with / for the dc, he’s done some of the bedtimes for dc2, he’s allowed me to have two nights away, he’s asking what I’d like to watch on tv and stuff - whereas before it was always his and we just had on whatever he wanted, he’s vacuumed once and cleaned the bathrooms once too.

Thing is, you’re comparing this to 13 years of absolutely nothing. But what you have is him having done a tiny bit for a short time and made some promises of more (that he’s not delivered on). Some school drop offs, asking you what you want to watch in tv and not buggering off out for his hobby all the time is not a huge amount.

He’s being clingy and smothering because he’s realised that he could lose the nice life he had. And so that you can’t have time away to reflect. He said all the right things as soon as you left him, which means he knew fine well that he was taking the piss.

Of course you don’t trust him or feel comfortable about this.

I left my H during the summer, after less than 2 years of him doing nothing (but complaining about everything, plus some particular stepfamily issues related to his attitude). We are living separately and he’s lonely and miserable. He’s stuck on his own having to do everything and reap the rewards of his crap nonresident fathering. He’s realised how much I did and how poorly he’s allowed his children to behave. So he is able to make all the right noises - but not consistently. His huge sense of entitlement and superiority, plus his tendency towards seeing himself as the victim, sneak through.

And he doesn’t realise that his ideas about just putting the past behind us and moving on to try new things are ridiculous. The problem is that I don’t trust him to support me or be there for me. Actually, I absolutely trust that he will leave everything to me, complain about it, allow his children to treat me with contempt and behave in ways that upset everyone else in the house, and scapegoat me so he doesn’t have to face up to his own responsibilities. I cannot just ‘park’ all if that and trust that he wants to ‘try different things’. I’ve heard this crap before. And I know how it ends up every time.

I’d imagine that you are in a similar head space. You can’t just ignore 13 years of consistent shit treatment and trust that he’s actually a changed man. No one could. You’re not an idiot.

If he wants to make this work, it’s going to be a long process of showing you that he genuinely has changed. And even then, it might not be enough to make it ok for you. And that is not your fault.

Totally this from @DFOD Making amends might be you putting your feet up for the next 13 years and then going 50/50 after that!

Can you imagine!!!

I've been wondering how you were OP. I'm pretty sure it's your thread I constantly read over the summer and it was mainly because of your DD being upset that you went back?

Sadly so many posters warned of this happening if you did go back. Your daughter will be ok if you leave him - YOU won't be if you stay.

You were so right to leave the first time.
My skin crawls at everything you say about your husband. He's vile. You need to find the strength to leave and stay away this time and divorce him. I don't have any better advice than you've had here but I'm so sad for you. As a previous poster says he's still controlling you but in a different way. When you said he "allowed" you to go away - I cringed.

No one gets to allow or disallow what you do/don't do.

I think when you get to the point that you move out because of your unhappiness with the relationship, a line has been crossed that is nigh on impossible to come back from.

It took me actually consulting a divorce lawyer and making plans to leave for my emotionally unavailable exH who had virtually no input in family life for nearly twenty year to take notice. Then he suddenly wanted to attend marriage counselling. I went along with it but my heart was not in it, I felt deadened and flat and couldn't muster the enthusiasm to make it work. Interestingly he also suffered an acute bout of anxiety that stopped him from performing at work for a while. Cue trip to a counsellor who pointed out why I was unhappy to him. That information went nowhere, basically because he couldn't comprehend.

People usually are what they are. If they had been interested in making a good relationship the motivation would have been there at the start. I doubt very much is your husband will be able to sustain this long term. Once he feels settled again with you, the old behaviours will probably creep back in. Use the impetus you have to get out for your own sake. You may regret backing down.

@Avocadowannabe

Thank you - I feel a bit less awful that I still am not happy now. My parents encouraged me back because they think it’s best for the kids and I don’t think they wanted the hassle / shame (as they see it) of a divorced daughter.

When I was away the night he also FaceTimed me twice. I wasn’t on for long because I was busy and out and about and then he was messaging me saying ‘has the gap between us just widened again?’

13 years of being shit doesn't get erased by a few weeks of best behaviour You don't trust that he's really changed because he probably hasn't, and even if he has, so what? He's abused you for 13 years, and you aren't obligated to forgive and forget that. What's more he is behaving clingy and controlling in the guise of being loving and that is just as bad as neglecting you, if not worse. I suspect your marriage is over you just haven't made the move yet.