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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
laurenGame · 18/11/2021 16:42

I just can't believe he hasn't responded @ToastOnCheese , as he sounded like a good, normal person.

You've shared 3 months of dates together and he is just ignoring you, but also knowing you are still waiting for his response. He wakes up and goes about his day knowing you have to go about your day, whilst waiting for a reply. At the end of the day he goes to sleep knowing you still didn't get a response - and he rolls over and sleeps soundly.

Just don't know what kind of person would do that, would you do that to anyone? Even a guy you weren't keen on? I'm pissed off for you.

1forAll74 · 18/11/2021 16:43

I wouldn't dream of asking to be exclusive in a newish relationship, the whole idea is very cloying and restrictive.. and could lead to problems, as people can't always be relied upon at a later date, as you truly don't know them well enough, to kind of make some promises to eachother.

I don't think a lot of men, really like the exclusive term, it seems to be mostly women who want this.. This term was never mentioned in the old days of dating, and not necessary at all.

sandy354 · 18/11/2021 16:59

When is your next date supposed to be? If it wasn't arranged would he not usually have been in touch by now to organise that?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 17:21

@laurenGame
No, I wouldn't do this to anyone. But then, my ex one evening while I was in bed drove off from our home that we had shared for almost 3 years and completely ghosted me, so I have no doubt some guy I've known almost 4 months could ignore me with absolutely no care.

Some interesting points and differing of opinions on this thread, I think that's why I was so conflicted about whether to broach the subject or not.
The long and short of it is, I didn't need to be his girlfriend at this point, however I wasn't comfortable with the prospect that he could be dating/shagging etc other people. Being exclusive doesn't mean a massive commitment, just a commitment not to shag other people.

We all take things at our own paces, mine and this guys clearly just didn't match up. I probably have done it more "slow" than I would have in the past, that's because of my life experiences with regards to men and dating.

We didn't have another date arranged, I last saw him at the weekend. We had arranged what we were doing for our next date but no actual date in the diary. We had also made plans for December (instigated by him)

I added "daft" to my message as it's more "me" and thus, didn't feel scripted. It's just something I would say in person.

OP posts:
sandy354 · 18/11/2021 17:37

We didn't have another date arranged, I last saw him at the weekend. We had arranged what we were doing for our next date but no actual date in the diary.

So if I've got it right, you last seen him on Sunday, and texted him your question on Monday?

If you'd typically see him one night during the week and then the weekend, you'd have expected him to be in touch to arrange a mid week date this week?

So the not looking at his phone and not having it charged would maybe work for a bit but if he wanted to see you this week he'd have charged it to call/text to arrange a date? Or would he just be expecting to get in touch at short notice and for you to be free to see him?

If I seen someone on Sunday and he was expecting us to go on a bother date during the week, I'd expect to at least know what day/evening by the Sunday so I could make plans with friends/families/hobbies the rest of the week

Flowers500 · 18/11/2021 17:42

I’m sorry he’s being such a twat, you’ve not done anything wrong. I also don’t think it’s particularly helpful for people to be saying “when I dated 15 years ago we never had exclusivity chats!”, not remotely relevant for dating today.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 18:03

We spent more than one day of the weekend together so wouldn't necessarily see each other until Saturday/Sunday, he knows I'm out Friday. I cant meet on Mondays or Wednesdays due to other commitments.

We dont plan things at short notice, I certainly don't sit around waiting for him. I do my hobby every night and have seen friends 2 nights this week already, before going out with them tomorrow.

OP posts:
GroovesintheHeart · 18/11/2021 19:22

@1forAll74

I wouldn't dream of asking to be exclusive in a newish relationship, the whole idea is very cloying and restrictive.. and could lead to problems, as people can't always be relied upon at a later date, as you truly don't know them well enough, to kind of make some promises to eachother.

I don't think a lot of men, really like the exclusive term, it seems to be mostly women who want this.. This term was never mentioned in the old days of dating, and not necessary at all.

This is so crazy to me. If you’re sleeping with someone you absolutely have the right to say it’s me alone or I’ll pass. It’s common sense.

And it’s not marriage. If you’re unhappy, end it. Done.

beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 20:06

Yeah, I totally agree with Grooves. I don't want to have sex with someone who's having sex with other people and I'd make that 100% clear from the beginning.

I don't see what's wrong with that. If whoever I'm dating doesn't like it, then fine. Don't date me then, because that's my choice.

When I was younger I would have gone along with this sort of situation like the OP's, thinking that it was chill to let a man take his time and that it was needy to state my expectations and wishes. But in the end if you're not honest about who you are and what you want, you are going to keep finding yourself in situations you don't want to be in. Okay if you really don't mind the person you're seeing to be dating other women, but I suspect most of us really, really don't want that.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 20:21

Can I just say, I havent been "chill" to let him take his time... Nor have I been worrying that I'm coming across as needy. I really haven't been thinking about how he perceives me.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 20:41

I was saying how I would have been in your situation, OP. I'm not saying you were like this, but I would have been unhappy with the situation but wanted him to like me and tried to be chill and not seem needy (i.e. not have needs). I don't think you come across as needy at all but you do come across as someone who doesn't feel comfortable with expressing her needs - that was what I was trying to say about being honest with yourself. Your only problem as far as I can tell is that you didn't notice the red flag this guy was waving from the beginning.

Yummypumpkin · 18/11/2021 20:46

Just read full.thread. OP sounds fabulous. All the way through. You really handle yourself so well.

Shocked he has not replied but you don't seem shaken. Bravo you.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 20:53

What is the red flag, that he didn't contact me everyday?
I also didn't contact him first... Does that mean that's my red flag? I was still keen and interested. I dont want/need someone who texts me everyday, if I'm honest that makes me feel anxious as then I'll overthink. Is he texting me enough, is he responding quick enough, is his communication slowing down, is he being less chatty etc. Not texting suited me well, I felt secure and comfortable and knew he'd be in touch, he always was and was always in touch when he said he would be.

Its all well and good to call it a red flag knowing what I know now... But in the moment I was happy with it and didn't think it reflected on how he saw me, just as how my lack of communication didn't reflect on how I felt about him.

Thats all me genuinely asking, I'm not being arsey.

I am gutted, I havent had this much fun with anyone! But there's nothing I can do, I certainly won't be messaging him again.

OP posts:
darklindor · 18/11/2021 21:10

Well people surprise you OP. Good job you put it out there.

Didimum · 18/11/2021 21:13

It’s not necessarily a red flag, OP. It’s just a stereotype. Not everyone is attached to their phone and some find that hard to believe because it’s so common to be nowadays. When me and my DH were dating he wasn’t a texter at all, barely had anything to do with this phone at all. Our communication was very economic.

beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 21:14

The red flags are nearly all about how you feel with someone. Not able to have a convo about how you're feeling, or ask a question? Red flag. Not knowing whether they're going to follow through on plans? Red flag. Feeling unsure about whether they want to see you or not? Not knowing if they're seeing other people? Red flag.

Even if those don't add up to him being a bad egg, it's enough to say, that's not good enough for me. I want to feel secure and confident with someone, not to wonder about things or to not feel able to raise an issue or ask a question. Those seem like minor things in the beginning when you really like someone, but as a relationship develops so too do those feelings. It might not be completely his fault, as such, but they are signs that you're not going to be happy with him.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 21:26

I think the important thing to note is that I didn't have any of these worries prior to me asking this question and him not responding. I felt confident and secure that he liked me and wanted to see me.

But, I know what you're saying and I now obviously agree!

OP posts:
Elbie79 · 18/11/2021 21:34

Really sorry it's turned out this way OP Thanks

beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 21:44

I'm sorry it turned out this way, too, OP. I know you're saying you didn't have these worries - but I think you did. That's why you posted on here. You couldn't have the convo with him naturally, it became this source of concern about when/how to do it, and became this artificial-feeling situation where you needed advice, rather than just being a natural conversation between you. Then it ended up being a text message when you knew that would be the worst way to do it, even if you got the answer you wanted, because of the anxiety of waiting to hear back.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm banging on about this and so I'll stop now. At least now you know where you stand with him. There are lots of nice blokes out there, and I'm sure you'll meet one soon! Flowers

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 21:54

Thanks @beastlyslumber
You are right, I knew I shouldn't have texted and I knew it would probably be a long wait before he responded. I just expected him to respond at some point.

Hes a cock but on the positive side, I have absolutely no desire to contact him/prompt him.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 21:57

Love that, @ToastOnCheese. Good luck out there and don't put up with anything less than you deserve! Flowers

samesign · 18/11/2021 23:04

I think he's taken advantage that you don't mind much communication, unfortunately it's a commitment phobes dream to not have to chat every day, you've been dating a few months, a man normally makes it known there is no one else if only wants you.
I expect he has read the message but doesn't know how to let you down, if it was something he wanted you would of known by now. Delete and bin off.

Sonaftersonafterson · 18/11/2021 23:18

He will be back. Probably acting as if nothing has happened.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 23:47

Thanks, I agree, he probably doesn't know what to say and thinks it's easier to just ignore me.

Already deleted Grin

OP posts:
Courtier · 19/11/2021 00:14

Wow has he still never replied? Awful