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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 06:53

"So are we exclusive or what? Cos I've already deleted all my dating apps."

beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 06:54

(Don't text! Say it in person. Text would be sooooooo awkward.)

GroggyLegs · 20/10/2021 10:40

"Im thinking of coming off [tinder/POF/whatever]. What do you think?"

And take it from there.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/10/2021 10:49

Right this moment I don't feel ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend

So why do you need to have The Talk?

You can't have it both ways.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 20/10/2021 12:03

I want to have the talk so I can be sure I'm not a place holder while he searches for someone better and that he isn't dating/sleeping with other people.

I like him enough to be his girlfriend, I just feel we haven't spent much time doing "nothing" and I'd like to do that before we become boyfriend and girlfriend (if we ever do)

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 20/10/2021 12:06

Why the need to have "The Talk", surely these things just happen of their own accord, rather than needing to make specific declarations?

TheFoundations · 20/10/2021 12:26

@MatildaIThink

Why the need to have "The Talk", surely these things just happen of their own accord, rather than needing to make specific declarations?
Clearly not, otherwise OP wouldn't have posted.

Sitting and waiting for what you want to happen of its own accord isn't a good plan.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 24/10/2021 23:00

Thanks all.
Haven't managed to have the talk yet as haven't seen him, im wondering whether it's moving too slowly. I'm seeing him this week so I'll try and bring it up!

OP posts:
Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 29/10/2021 12:06

@ToastOnCheese How did it go?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 29/10/2021 15:25

I haven't done it yet, we've met up once since I started this thread and i didn't get the opportunity to bring it up! Thanks for asking.

OP posts:
bettertimesarecomingnow · 29/10/2021 16:22

Once in ten days? Does he live a long way away?
It doesn't strike me that he's very keen (sorry op) if you are seeing each other once in ten days.
We were inseparable 12 weeks in!!

Why is it so infrequent?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 29/10/2021 20:45

@bettertimesarecomingnow
He doesnt live far away, no, about 35 minutes. To be fair to him that's not just his fault. I work 9-5 and he works shifts, including evenings and weekends and he spends a lot of time doing his hobby/interest. I also have a very time consuming hobby (the hobby is alive Grin) that I have to do twice a day, every day, so that does take up a lot of time. Plus, I spend a lot of time with friends (about 3/4 times a week) and I see my family a lot, so we are both very busy. There is not a night I don't do anything.

We try and see each other a night in the week and over the weekend but that doesn't always happen unfortunately!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/11/2021 17:42

So, I finally decided to text him yesterday to make sure he's not seeing other people. I still await a response... We don't text much and he's not really a texter/on his phone so not sure how long it'll take him to reply.

I know I should have asked in person but I didn't and felt texting was my main option.

I await with baited breath... Blush

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 16/11/2021 20:03

The fact that you don't feel able to have this conversation with him in person is a red flag, OP. Especially since it's been a long time since you've been wondering, and must have had opportunities to raise it in a natural/casual way. The fact you don't feel you can is a red flag that he is not completely trustworthy and/or that you are not in a good place to be in this relationship. You shouldn't be scared that stating your needs/wishes will scare someone away. If he's a decent bloke, he will be happy to have this conversation with you.

I hope he responds in the way you wish, but I would be cautious going forward if I were you.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/11/2021 20:13

Thanks, I can say with certainity that this is all me, not him. He's genuinely ace, I'm just a bit bruised and cautious after a shit relationship. I could have asked in person, it's nothing to do with him that I chose not to.
Fingers crossed Grin

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 16/11/2021 21:28

Hmm. It's never all one person in relationships. If he's so ace, I think you would be able to say something. Or he would have already said something to you. Don't assume that any weirdness or discomfort is all about your weaknesses or flaws - be honest with yourself about whether he's treating you right.

I hope he is and that he responds soon, in a way that feels good to you. You deserve that. Don't put up with anything less.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 16/11/2021 22:08

Thanks! Genuinely, he treats me great and we have so much fun together. He is always planning dates, thinking of fun ideas and trips out, he's always been kind, reliable, considerate etc. If anything, I think he will be confused that I'm bringing this up, I think he just assumes we are exclusive etc. He hasn't done internet dating before, whereas I've done it a lot so I know you need to ask these things.

Im being cautious because of previous experiences, there are no red flags with this guy (yet) I'm well aware I barely know him and this may all change! I know what to look out for. Right now he has the perfect balance, asks me out and plan things while not being overbearing.

If he responds in a way I'm not happy with then I will walk away, that's why I've asked, to give me the opportunity to do that.

Im not one to stick up for a guy I hardly know but I do think I've found a good one... Finally Grin

OP posts:
holidaynearlyover · 16/11/2021 22:21

I hope you get a good response!!

JustKittenAround · 17/11/2021 04:20

Ok unpopular advice (I assume ) but he needs to be having that talk with you.

You should be dating others and at the very least unavailable at times. He needs to be the one catching you, not you winning him.

Again, in before any other commentator says this or that about how it should be, I’m just telling you how it is.

If things are going as well as you say he probably takes the talk as a given.

Still, be less available and see how he will want to lock it down.

sofato5miles · 17/11/2021 04:28

Good luck. It all seems a bit overwrought to me. We had the 'not seeing anyone else' chat before shagging. I had to do some housekeeping of the situationships i had over the following weeks but was upfront about it. Everytime one of them texted i just said i was in a relationship and closed the door. He became my focus and tbf he was very upfront that he was in it fully too.

WellBuggerMeSideways · 17/11/2021 06:12

3 months is a long time. Maybe I'm getting old, but I couldn't wait that long in the thought that someone I really liked was possibly still shagging others.

The guy I'm seeing and I had The Talk between dates 1 and 2, before sex. But then we knew we liked each other that much straight away. Why waste time?

It should all be uncomplicated. If it takes ages for something to be discussed that should be natural because of a lack of the right moment, in my experience there is something wrong.

laurenGame · 17/11/2021 08:30

Have he responded @ToastOnCheese ?

laurenGame · 17/11/2021 08:30

@JustKittenAround

Ok unpopular advice (I assume ) but he needs to be having that talk with you.

You should be dating others and at the very least unavailable at times. He needs to be the one catching you, not you winning him.

Again, in before any other commentator says this or that about how it should be, I’m just telling you how it is.

If things are going as well as you say he probably takes the talk as a given.

Still, be less available and see how he will want to lock it down.

I agree with every word.
holidaynearlyover · 17/11/2021 08:50

@JustKittenAround

Ok unpopular advice (I assume ) but he needs to be having that talk with you.

You should be dating others and at the very least unavailable at times. He needs to be the one catching you, not you winning him.

Again, in before any other commentator says this or that about how it should be, I’m just telling you how it is.

If things are going as well as you say he probably takes the talk as a given.

Still, be less available and see how he will want to lock it down.

Dating has got a lot more complicated hasn't it- does no one meet someone like them and just crack on with it without any talks or game play anymore? My poor children
IslaInthesun · 17/11/2021 08:52

I hope he replies soon.

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