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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 09:11

@Smiler79
I cant tell no, I have last seen/blue ticks turned off on WhatsApp.

@Didimum
Thank you! I'm glad I sent the message, even though I do feel slightly sick constantly at his lack of response

OP posts:

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 09:58

This is ridiculous now, day 3...

Hes never been good on his phone since we've been dating but surely he has enough emotional intelligence/insight to think that this is a message he should respond to?

We barely messaged before meeting, we exchanged like 3 messages and then spoke on the phone, he asked me out for the following weekend. He texted maybe once or twice to keep in touch, I just assumed the date wouldn't be on as I'd barely heard from him but he contacted me, as he said he would, and we met up. Its been like that throughout, if he says he's going to do something then he will do it. We mostly just use texts/phone calls to arrange a meet up and then spend that time chatting about what we've been up to etc. If we haven't been able to meet up as much then he'll contact me to catch up.

But this is bonkers now!

OP posts:

Notbornwithit · 18/11/2021 10:01

I’d never ask this. If he acts exclusive, is in regular contact, a date every weekend at the least had introduced you to his friends/ family you can take it as fine. If he isn’t doing those things I’d date others

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 10:10

I suppose I've done a lot of OLD and know you can never assume anything in that world.

I've met a couple of his friends, he hasn't met any of mine. We haven't introduced each other to family, nor would I at this stage.

Im not asking to be boyfriend and girlfriend, my question was just making sure he isn't dating anyone else. I cant assume he isnt. I dont get the impression he is but who knows. I was dating others up until probably end of September time, but it felt wrong so I stopped it.

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 18/11/2021 10:43

OP the more you post the more it really doesn't sound right. At all. 3 days? Unacceptable.

Honestly, i would block and delete. This style of communication is disrespectful at the very least and certainly not an indicator for you to invest any more time or emotion.

RantyAunty · 18/11/2021 10:49

That's crap he couldn't even bother to reply.

Your friends saying you'll hear from him eventually but who wants that? You're not a booty call.

Have you looked to see if he's been on the dating apps?

I cringe at the people who bleat "don't play games"

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 10:58

Yeah, as time has ticked on I've realised its done.

I havent looked at the apps, I think that would just make me feel worse.

I obviously won't contact him again, I'm glad i asked, better now than in however many months time when I'm more invested.

Just makes me feel like I have absolutely no hope!

OP posts:

AnaViaSalamanca · 18/11/2021 10:59

I am very bad with my phone, but if I receive a message like this I would respond within a few hours. How old is he @ToastOnCheese? Unless he is older or really anti-tech, most poeople see messages regularly. I think this is a form of power play, he wants you to feel insecure. When you hear from him, remember how you feel now.

I think you did the right thing by bringing it up. Don't listen to those who say women shouldn't ask, but act busy and unavailable. If you hadn't asked and things had fizzled, you wouldnt' have known if it was due to you pushing him away.

brw55 · 18/11/2021 12:19

I think you did the right thing asking because it was something you needed to know and you should always be able to be open in a relationship. For people commenting “I’d have never done that” - good for you but we are all different and you aren’t in the OPs situation. It’s something I need to know too having been in previous messy situations and I think it’s totally reasonable of you to have asked - if anything text is less intense than when you meet!

Also just something to consider in case you are doubting yourself - I truly believe if someone is the right person for you, the wrong text or question will not end it, it just won’t. It’s not you, it’s him. 3 days without any sort of acknowledgment is outrageous! You deserve so so much better x

MaryStuart · 18/11/2021 12:36

Hmmm, I’m in two minds here, based on your post of 9.58am.
He’s clearly not an avid texter / messager.
BUT, I would expect him have responded to this particular message by now.
However, I wouldn’t block and delete just yet, given he has firm. And you’ve clearly both been enjoying each other’s company. I’d turn your ticks back on and send a follow-up message. Nothing too heavy, just a : Oi, I thought this might have at least generated some kind of response
Type of thing.

But what you do think / want to do?

MaryStuart · 18/11/2021 12:37

given he has form

Didimum · 18/11/2021 12:45

The only acceptable excuse would be that he has not read the message due to not charging his phone (which you said he did, from time to time). I don’t know the guy, so I don’t know if 3 days is usual for that with him.

Nedclarity · 18/11/2021 12:56

Can you undo the function on your phone to see if he has at least read the message?

MadeForThis · 18/11/2021 13:00

Would you usually go 3-4 days without chatting, either text or a call?

Suprima · 18/11/2021 13:12

@ToastOnCheese

I suppose I've done a lot of OLD and know you can never assume anything in that world.

I've met a couple of his friends, he hasn't met any of mine. We haven't introduced each other to family, nor would I at this stage.

But you should really be boyfriend and girlfriend by this point. It’s been long enough. Please get your standards up from the floor.

If he wanted you to be his girlfriend he’d ask you and lock you down in an exclusive relationship. He hasn’t, so he doesn’t want to.

Suprima · 18/11/2021 13:12

He’s also now leaving you on read

Throw the whole man away

Didimum · 18/11/2021 13:18

@Suprima That is completely up to the individual people dating. OP said herself she didn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend yet. Three months is long enough for some, not enough for others.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/11/2021 13:32

Bit weird of him to just not reply. How did you word it, there's no way he would have read it as you are still seeing other people is there? (probably not, just making sure there wasn't wires crossed or anything)

beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 13:57

He texted maybe once or twice to keep in touch, I just assumed the date wouldn't be on as I'd barely heard from him but he contacted me, as he said he would, and we met up. Its been like that throughout

So he's been waving this red flag at you the whole time OP. He'll do the bare minimum to keep you hanging on. Probably gives you loads of attention and makes you feel special when you're together, right? But then the rest of the time he doesn't bother with you, and you're left wondering and feeling increasingly insecure.

I knew he wasn't right. Seriously, I think after a while, you develop a sixth sense for these men. But in the meantime, definitely set some boundaries, and be open about them early in the relationship. Such as the level of contact that you're comfortable with, whether it's okay to date other people/be on the apps etc. And give yourself some lines that you know if a man crosses, he'll be dropped straightaway.

I'd also say your friends sound lovely and like they want to support you, but do you have a mum or older sister maybe who is a little bit more worldly-wise? It's not about making a man chase you, at all, but about that experience of knowing how men act when they are genuinely interested.

GroovesintheHeart · 18/11/2021 15:10

@RantyAunty

That's crap he couldn't even bother to reply.

Your friends saying you'll hear from him eventually but who wants that? You're not a booty call.

Have you looked to see if he's been on the dating apps?

I cringe at the people who bleat "don't play games"

No bleating. I just believe in starting as you mean to go on... honesty and respect. Why on earth would you want it any other way? Or worse still living in limbo? Yuk.

Original poster

ToastOnCheese · 18/11/2021 15:30

We would usually go 3-4 days or more without contact, yes. For example, say we met on the Wednesday and had planned to meet on the Sunday we probably wouldn't be in contact until the Sunday.

I have absolutely no problem with this, I havent been left feeling insecure, I was happy with this level of communication. Obviously, I am not happy that he hasn't responded to this message and that tells me all I need to know.

I want to reiterate that I havent been chasing him. He arranges the next date, he calls me unprompted, he messages me to catch up, he has asked if I want a night away somewhere with him etc.

Its not like I've been chasing him and got nothing back. I havent been messaging him (except this time) but I'm still thinking about him and nobody has said that's a red flag. I just dont see the need for it. I've had many situationships that were based on texting and were so intense that they burned out quickly.

The message wasn't ambiguous:
I had a fab time yesterday! Can I ask another daft question? Are you dating etc other people? I'm not and wouldn't want you to be either!

So he can't have interpreted that in any other way, imo.

Thank you all for your responses and comments, im taking them all on board. At the end of the day, this is all a learning curve. I'm happy with how I've acted.

OP posts:

Suprima · 18/11/2021 15:32

[quote Didimum]@Suprima That is completely up to the individual people dating. OP said herself she didn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend yet. Three months is long enough for some, not enough for others.[/quote]
Kind of irrelevant.

She clearly wants more now and this man is ambivalent and not interested.

A man who was interested in more would have asked around the 2 month mark, OP would have been completely ok to say no if that was too soon- but I doubt she would have done.

Didimum · 18/11/2021 16:03

@Suprima

It’s not irrelevant. OP has said multiple times on this thread that she doesn’t feel ready to be his girlfriend. She was only looking for an answer on whether he was dating around.

How ridiculous to put a 2 month deadline on dating to establishing boyfriend/girlfriend status. It will be different for everyone.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/11/2021 16:06

ToastOnCheese

No that message was clear as day, straight up and 3 months is definitely enough time to be asking that question. Very bad form for him to not even reply.

beastlyslumber · 18/11/2021 16:36

Can I ask another daft question?

It's not a daft question. It's not silly to express your needs and wishes and to ask questions of the other person.

A man who was into you, getting that text, would pick up the phone and call you and say, I'm glad you're not seeing anyone else cos I'm not either. But with a man who was into you, you wouldn't need to ask because you would have both already made it clear.

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