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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
YouWouldNotBelieve · 19/11/2021 01:37

Contrary to what's being suggested here, I'd say wait 2+ years from meeting them to ask about making it official, as long as you've been meeting up regularly. Knowing someone doesn't mean knowing their favourite colour, what football team they support or what they always order on the menu. You'll need the time to make all sorts of observations about them. 3 months really isn't that long at all, and a relationship is a commitment

sofato5miles · 19/11/2021 04:32

2+ years before becoming an actual.couple! What's your lifespan, 500?

JustKittenAround · 19/11/2021 05:52

@laurenGame thank you, I feel alone sometimes in this view!

@holidaynearlyover many do crack on… they don’t even feel the need for “the talk” because the safety and assurance of the relationship is there. I’m not into games, so until there is a meeting of the minds, women need to keep dating,

You’r children aren’t dealing with anything they can’t handle! Especially if they realize their own worth!

Suprima · 19/11/2021 08:00

@YouWouldNotBelieve

Contrary to what's being suggested here, I'd say wait 2+ years from meeting them to ask about making it official, as long as you've been meeting up regularly. Knowing someone doesn't mean knowing their favourite colour, what football team they support or what they always order on the menu. You'll need the time to make all sorts of observations about them. 3 months really isn't that long at all, and a relationship is a commitment
2 years! LOL

Although there’s a lot men using a similar timeframe ‘to see how things gooooo’ whilst some muggins is providing girlfriend benefits, offering sex and emotional support to someone who doesn’t actually like them

WakeuptoCake · 19/11/2021 08:14

2 years haha ! Wonder how many STDs you can catch in that time from non-exclusivity Hmm

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/11/2021 08:17

2 years?!

I asked the boy if he was shagging anyone else, not for his hand in marriage Grin

OP posts:
Polmuggle · 19/11/2021 08:39

@YouWouldNotBelieve have you confused making it official with getting married?!

Flowers500 · 19/11/2021 09:20

@YouWouldNotBelieve

Contrary to what's being suggested here, I'd say wait 2+ years from meeting them to ask about making it official, as long as you've been meeting up regularly. Knowing someone doesn't mean knowing their favourite colour, what football team they support or what they always order on the menu. You'll need the time to make all sorts of observations about them. 3 months really isn't that long at all, and a relationship is a commitment
What the hell are you smoking??? 🤣🤣🤣 you’d wait two years to ask if he’s still going on Tinder dates and if he’s seeing anyone else??
Poppins88 · 19/11/2021 09:53

@beastlyslumber"I do think when men are genuinely into someone, they don't leave you wondering. You don't need to know what a man is thinking, you just need to consult your own feelings. If you feel confused or insecure, there's your answer."

This.100%.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/11/2021 09:55

@YouWouldNotBelieve

Contrary to what's being suggested here, I'd say wait 2+ years from meeting them to ask about making it official, as long as you've been meeting up regularly. Knowing someone doesn't mean knowing their favourite colour, what football team they support or what they always order on the menu. You'll need the time to make all sorts of observations about them. 3 months really isn't that long at all, and a relationship is a commitment
bahahahaha, are you taking the piss? I hope you are
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/11/2021 10:06

Feeling a bit gutted today! But I'm going out with my friends tonight and I'll have a good night and forget all about him.

I get what you're saying and hope one day I'll meet someone and there will be no second guessing etc!

OP posts:
CarrotSticks19 · 19/11/2021 10:19

Just be glad you did actually ask OP. Imagine if youd kept on assuming for another couple of months! This thread is the exact reason why you should clarify exclusivity when you want to be exclusive!

My personal opinion on the matter is that if its meant to be you will become naturally exclusive after a month or so. It is perfectly reasonable to want to be exclusive with someone you are having sex with, and to clarify this after 3 months. It is better to be clear about what you want and end something after 3 months, than to wait around for 6 and get hurt.

CarrotSticks19 · 19/11/2021 10:20

Sorry OP he is such a knob

Imagine dating someone for four months, having sex with them and not even having the decency to be honest with them. Complete twat

Didimum · 19/11/2021 11:37

So sorry you’re feeling down, OP. It’s his loss. Can’t believe he’s not replying. Three months is a long time to invest in someone, and all you were clarifying was how strong that investment was.

Flowers500 · 19/11/2021 13:42

@ToastOnCheese

Feeling a bit gutted today! But I'm going out with my friends tonight and I'll have a good night and forget all about him.

I get what you're saying and hope one day I'll meet someone and there will be no second guessing etc!

Go you! You’re so much better than him
DivorcedAndDelighted · 19/11/2021 13:56

@beastlyslumber

The red flags are nearly all about how you feel with someone. Not able to have a convo about how you're feeling, or ask a question? Red flag. Not knowing whether they're going to follow through on plans? Red flag. Feeling unsure about whether they want to see you or not? Not knowing if they're seeing other people? Red flag.

Even if those don't add up to him being a bad egg, it's enough to say, that's not good enough for me. I want to feel secure and confident with someone, not to wonder about things or to not feel able to raise an issue or ask a question. Those seem like minor things in the beginning when you really like someone, but as a relationship develops so too do those feelings. It might not be completely his fault, as such, but they are signs that you're not going to be happy with him.

The problem is, some people will always feel like this, eg not able to say how they're feeling, not able to ask a question, regardless of how the person they're dating acts. Some of these things are to do with how Person A interprets Person B's actions. That might be because Person A is just used to something different.
beastlyslumber · 19/11/2021 14:19

That's very true @DivorcedAndDelighted. I suppose the key is that if you feel like this all the time and in other kinds of relationships too, then maybe it's your pattern that you need to work out. But a lot of the time we put all this stuff on ourselves (e.g. "I feel insecure, that's my flaw to get over" or "I don't feel confident to ask a question because I'm just not confident enough") and we don't notice that we don't feel insecure or lack confidence in our friendships, work relationships, families... just with that one person or one relationship.

SavageBeauty73 · 19/11/2021 16:57

Wow I can't believe he didn't reply. What a cowardly bastard. Have fun with your friends tonight 🥂

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/11/2021 17:29

I am insecure in relationships in general, I dont show that (and potentially go too far the other way) I know where it all stems from and I've had therapy, counselling etc relating to my ex and what he did. I know it's not my fault and I know (or hope) that one day I'll meet someone and it will just be easy and safe and straightforward. Funnily enough, I did feel pretty comfortable with him, it's hard to know whether me posting on here was because of my general issues or any issues relating to him.

Thanks! Going to start getting ready soon. I do feel quite angry but nothing men do surprises me anymore!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 19/11/2021 17:50

Your ex sounds like a total dick and that experience must really have done a number on you. What a total shithead.

I think anger is good tbh. Use it to fuel the formation of pristine, uncrossable boundaries. The higher your standards, the more likely you are to meet someone lovely, and if you have excellent boundaries, insecurities aren't a problem, because there's no doubt. It stops being about what the other person intends or feels and just about: has this overstepped a line for me? Trust yourself, and the insecurities with others will, over time, start to fade away.

I may have mentioned him before, but I really like Matthew Hussey's youtube channel for advice on dating and relationships. He has a lot of really practical advice about how to meet high-quality men. A lot of it does boil down to 'raise your standards' - but he makes it practical and shows you the steps to do that. I recommend to anyone who's dating or wanting to meet someone.

Have a lovely night out with your friends Gin Glitterball

Nedclarity · 19/11/2021 21:14

You poor thing, what a twat he is and no wonder you’ve lost faith in men but the good ones are out there. Sadly it seems the old adage is true; you have to kiss a few frogs. You did the right thing in asking him. At least you didn’t invest another couple of months on him and then find out. His loss 100%. Hope you’ve had a really great night out.

40somethingJBJ · 20/11/2021 00:45

I’d met up with my now bf probably 3 or 4 times when he told me he’d depleted his dating apps. I said I’d go the same, although I’d not chatted to anyone that since meeting him as I knew I didn’t want to. We’ve been together a few months now and have chatted a lot about the future and what we want from a relationship. I think it’s an important conversation to have.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 20/11/2021 01:14

Im having a great night, having to tell myself to not message him... Im not even drunk!

I know I'd only embarrass myself by messaging him, but him ghosting is just so disrespectful.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 20/11/2021 01:32

Is it better to message something like...

I'll take your silence as an answer, what a shame you couldn't be respectful after the fun we've had together.

Or is it better to leave it altogether?

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 20/11/2021 03:46

Leave it.

There's no point in saying anything.

Was that phone a burner, anyways? His behaviour with regard to it sounded odd.