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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 18:29

Which possibly attracts the wrong type of person.*

OP posts:
Getawaygerty · 18/05/2022 19:30

@ToastOnCheese I am just trying to ride the wave and hope in time I feel ready to date again. Have you found bumble to be the best dating site?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 19:49

@Getawaygerty
You definitely will, there is no rush. (Unless you're like me and feel there is a massive rush!) Yes, I've only ever met people from Bumble. I've never used Tinder. I did have Hinge last time but haven't redownloaded it yet, I found it more difficult to navigate than Bumble. What do you use?

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Getawaygerty · 18/05/2022 20:06

@ToastOnCheese I have never actually used one properly but my anonymous scroll was through plenty of fish which was deleted within about half an hour! All it did was make me want to run back to my ex! I’m exactly like you and feel there’s a massive rush too but at the same time I know I’m not ready.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 20:24

@Getawaygerty
I guess in some ways they're all the same! I just prefer Bumble as we start the conversations so it gives us a bit more control and random people can't just message us. Are you a similar age to me (im 27) and wanting to start a family etc too?

OP posts:
Getawaygerty · 18/05/2022 20:30

@ToastOnCheese I’m 35! So time is definitely more on your side! I split up with my ex because he didn’t want kids. We lived together etc but I made that decision to leave and give myself chance to have a family. It’s very early days though, I miss him a lot. But I know there’s no future there. Im going to try and give myself a couple of months then see where my head is at and maybe give bumble a go. Have you seen your ex on bumble yet? I dread going online and seeing my ex on there although I know that’s hypocritical if I’m on there!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 21:37

@Getawaygerty
That sounds really tough but it definitely seems as though you made the best decision for you and your future. Have you been in touch since the break up or have you had a clean break?

Thankfully my ex was a couple of years younger than me so I've just changed the age rage a year older so he won't come up!

OP posts:
Getawaygerty · 18/05/2022 21:42

@ToastOnCheese we have been in touch everyday since. I know we need to ease off with the contact though to be able to move forward. Ha that’s a good idea about the age range! I’m going to steal that idea when I decide to start dating again. X

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 22:06

@Getawaygerty
Eek yeah, I think its definitely easier to get over someone when there is no contact, but its so hard to make that decision and say goodbye. Has he said at all that he'll have children if you go back etc or is he still adamant? (I know it'll be too little too late but just interested if he had changed his mind)
I hope that you meet someone lovely and have everything you want x

OP posts:
Getawaygerty · 18/05/2022 22:13

@ToastOnCheese He didn’t want to split up but was firm in his decision about kids. So it was up to me to either stay and give that up or leave. I kept putting it off but left eventually. Ah, thank you, I hope you meet someone lovely too! Keep us posted on here with how you get on x

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 23:38

@Getawaygerty
Sounds like you are a very strong person! X

The cherry on top is that I've just found out my abusive ex is getting married. I'm in shock. He was incredibly abusive in all ways. He was contacting me in December saying he still loved me and asking if I could go to his at midnight (obviously i didnt) and acting really bizarrely, so much so I had to let his friend know. I am in shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 23:38

@Getawaygerty
Sounds like you are a very strong person! X

The cherry on top is that I've just found out my abusive ex is getting married. I'm in shock. He was incredibly abusive in all ways. He was contacting me in December saying he still loved me and asking if I could go to his at midnight (obviously i didnt) and acting really bizarrely, so much so I had to let his friend know. I am in shock.

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Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 18/05/2022 23:39

Oops, sorry for the double post.

OP posts:
Raychelle · 19/05/2022 18:36

Hi Toast, I am so sorry to hear about guy number 4 going off like that… we all thought he seemed like a decent one. I agree that the text messages changing after 4 months is not a red flag and pretty normal especially if he was still seeing you in person and acting the same etc. You have done the right thing blocking and moving on, as I do think the way he dumped you was in such a way that he possibly could have come back later on, but you have put a stop to that!

As for your abusive ex getting married… quite frankly i feel sorry for his new wife :( try not to hanker too much on that, it’s simply a lucky escape for you.

You are an amazing and strong person, you seem to deal with relationship disappointments so well, I hope somebody nice comes along soon.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 20/05/2022 19:01

@Raychelle
Thank you. I felt like it was normal for a slight change in messages too, we were still talking a lot and if anything, I probably was taking far longer to respond. I suppose I'll never know whether it was a natural drop or he was disengaging.

Absolutely, the overwhelming emotions i have about my ex getting married is relief for me and sadness for her. And a lot of guilt. It was just so weird and unexpected, he was still contacting me until recently.

Aww thank you so much. I get better at dealing with the disappointments the more often I have them 🙄 I really hope I meet someone lovely too!

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Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/06/2022 11:30

Thought I'd update this thread.

I have been dating a little bit and now I've met someone who I think I quite like! It's very early days, but he has made a lot of effort so far and I can be very open with him. We are both looking for a relationship and he seems like a mix with the boy I started this thread about and the boy I started a relationship with. We have a lot of fun, we went for a walk last night and we were climbing trees, getting stuck in mud, paddling etc (we are both almost 30!) But we can also have a bit of a more honest conversation and I am not scared at all about bringing anything up! The issue is he lives about 1.15 minutes away and I prefer someone closer, but it is what it is!

We shall see. I will update either when we are in a relationship or when it comes crashing down. 😂

OP posts:
Raychelle · 23/06/2022 18:10

Hi Toast! Thanks for the update, i wish you all the best with ‘fun guy’ (I didn’t wanna give him another number lol) the fact you can talk sounds good, and making effort is also a great sign, slight stumbling block on the distance, but it can be over come… you might also find the distance means that when you so see him, you have a great time as it’s not taken for granted as much if you see what i mean! Did you meet on bumble? Do you have any other dates lined up or is it just him?

Keep us posted!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 23/06/2022 21:08

@Raychelle
Thanks! I do kind of agree about the distance, it may help me appreciate him more. We both drive so its not completely out of the question, but while he's happy to come to me I'll just let him!

We did meet on Bumble, yes.

I went on a first date with someome last week and a second date with someone last week. They've both asked to see me again but I find it really difficult to multi date when I start to like someone!

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Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 10/01/2025 12:03

Thought I'd update this thread just over 2.5 years later.

I am still with the last guy I mentioned (who lived 1.5 hours away and we had a date climbing trees, paddling etc 😂) He moved to my area and we eventually moved in together and now we have a beautiful little newborn baby. I couldn't be happier.

I regret so much all the second guessing and overanalysing I have done previously and all the time I have wasted, but obviously I wouldn't change any of it for the world because of where I am now. He is amazing, he's always made loads of effort, his intentions have always been clear, he's always been consistent and done what he said he would do, he is the funniest person I've ever met and we have belly laughs everyday. He is kind and compassionate and my family adore him. He supported me every step of the way through an awful pregnancy, an awful induction process and birth and loves me and our little boy endlessly.

Just wanted to update as I was given such amazing advice and support on this thread. 🩵

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 10/01/2025 13:34

Awwww lovely. So delighted for you. Came up on my following posts so delighted to hear
congrats on your baby!!

Dozer · 10/01/2025 13:51

Lovely update!

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 10/01/2025 14:06

Thank you both! X

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SpidersAreShitheads · 10/01/2025 14:29

Aaaaw, I’m so pleased for you!!! I remember your thread - it also popped up on my Watch list.

Thank you so much for coming back to update, you really deserve your happy ever after ❤️

samesign · 10/01/2025 19:19

Lovely update, just read through the thread of all your ups and downs of dating but you didn't give up and got the best outcome.

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/01/2025 21:56

Be Happy x. Oh wait you really are x x x