When to have The Talk

[ToastOnCheese]

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

The differing of opinions on this thread just shows that everyone views it differently, so all I can do is what feels right in the moment. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, I'll meet someone else. (Obviously I like him and hope it does work out)

Hi @ToastOnCheese

I met someone through Bumble too and we are 9 weeks on. He asked me for exclusivity during our first date after speaking daily and video chatting for over a week. We live two hours apart so video chat most evenings and see each other once a week. In my limited experience, I think if a man meets someone he is really into, they will want to ensure you’re both exclusive. I think it’s difficult to find a genuine connection with someone who ticks all the boxes. Your guy sounds lovely so it’s odd he hasn’t yet broached the subject. Like you said, he may well have assumed but again, if he’s really into you, he would make sure that nobody else is vying for your attention I would have thought.

I also can’t understand how it’s not just been brought up in passing during one of your conversations. When you’re into someone, you make it known of your intentions, even when dating.

The thing you and I have in common is that I am not ready to be in a relationship even though we are exclusively dating. He is waiting for me to be ‘ready’. It’s not about keeping my options open, I am fully into him and not interested in anyone else. I guess my thinking is when you are officially in a relationship, your family and friends start to know as you end up going places together etc and after being divorced and separated for two years with two teenagers, I’m not ready for that official label.

Do let us know how you get on. I hope all turns out really well for you.

It really shouldn't be that complicated or need any over thinking. If you feel that he is right for you, you should instinctively know / feel that he's on the same page and therefore any conversation, regardless of subject, should just be a natural conversation without any hesitation.
Life's too short for mind games or second guessing: always be true to yourself, be honest & open & if he can't handle that & have the same open & honest conversation, then he's not the one.
I hope it works out for you, just don't overthink & say what you feel. If it's not the answer you hope for, at least you know, & you can 'try on the next pair of shoes' & find the one the fits best.

I suppose its just tricky to assume anything or to put myself out there, I havent had the best relationship history! I feel like I instinctively know, however I felt that with my ex who was a twat, so I suppose I can never really know. At the end of the day I've known the boy 3-4 months, I don't know him.

This guy is everything I'm looking for, he makes me cry laughing, time flies when I'm with him, it feels like we are the only people that exist. But it isn't intense, it isnt forced. I can genuinely say I have never remembered to bring this conversation up in person, because I am not thinking ahead when I am with him, im so caught up in the moment and just enjoy him and his company. We don't spend mornings in bed talking about things, for example, every now and then we will say something about our past but its very "slow."

He makes me feel so comfortable and safe, so at ease. He is lovely without being dramatic or OTT, he does nice little things that only I can realise or appreciate (my ex was all for show)

I havent heard from him, this isn't unlike him but obviously I would like a response or I will assume he isnt interested! If that's the case, I have other people I can date, though I'd rather not. He's not the type of person to take his phone out with him, to charge it up etc, but I'm well aware he should have and could have replied by now. Maybe he's on a different page to me but I'm glad I asked, so then I'll know and his silence speaks for itself.

I’ve usually done ‘shall we delete the apps?’ after around 6 weeks or 2 months of dating, snd ‘we’re boyfriend/girlfriend’ after about 2-3. Although you can do both at the same time of course.

I would say it’s definitely not too early at all.

@JustKittenAround

Ok unpopular advice (I assume ) but he needs to be having that talk with you.

You should be dating others and at the very least unavailable at times. He needs to be the one catching you, not you winning him.

Again, in before any other commentator says this or that about how it should be, I’m just telling you how it is.

If things are going as well as you say he probably takes the talk as a given.

Still, be less available and see how he will want to lock it down.

Total nonsense. Games lead to temporary endeavours.

Well done for asking OP. That takes balls.

His silence is deafening isn’t it? I think you deserve better than this tbh. Hopefully you know that too and can have the conversation up front in future if a relationship is what you want.

Personally, I went into dating very honest. I want long term, babies, marriage… it all but not willing to settle. Would rather go it alone than be lonely in a relationship. And then BANG! There he was. Only took 2 dates to know & it seemed daft to consider dating anyone else again. He agreed. Very easy convo as it should be.

Thanks all.

Yes, the silence speaks volumes, but I dont regret asking. I know that I deserve a response, I obviously won't contact him again.

I have a lot to offer someone, if he isn't willing to commit to not dating anyone else after 3-4 months then he never will be.

Oh my god has he really not responded??? He’s an absolute test, if the first order. That’s an awful way for him to treat you

I'm sorry he hasn't got back to you. I think that says it all, really.

My feeling is that this was never quite right, because otherwise the conversation would have come up naturally, and likely at his instigation. Obviously that's just an outsider looking in at what you've said here, but I do think when men are genuinely into someone, they don't leave you wondering. You don't need to know what a man is thinking, you just need to consult your own feelings. If you feel confused or insecure, there's your answer.

Its fine, I've been through worse. My ex of 3+ years who I had a house with etc ghosted me, so this is nothing. Though, I do think he will eventually respond!

OMG no response!? What's going on, maybe he assumed you were exclusive/ an item and now he's offended? No idea, can't believe he hasn't responded!

@greendiva
My friend has said exactly that. But surely he'd reply and say oh, I assumed we were exclusive etc and I'd say ha ha never assume and then we could move on from it.
My message was very much... I have great fun with you, im not dating anyone else, I'd rather you weren't either, type of thing!

You really should have been patient and done it in person or at least on the phone. Texting was a bit rubbish. Maybe he just wants to talk to you!

Not too soon to have the conversation though! I'd have had it weeks ago, I don't do sharing!

Yes you'd think so, such a shame, from everything you said, but then dosen't sound like you have been seeing that much of each other for 3 months.. hope you hear something soon!

Youre right in that I shouldn't have texted, especially when he isnt a texter, but ah well.

We tried to see each other twice a week, obviously it didn't always happen due to other commitments, but that was plenty for me!

Men, eh, who'd have em!

@holidaynearlyover 'Dating has got a lot more complicated hasn't it- does no one meet someone like them and just crack on with it without any talks or game play anymore? My poor children'

It's not complicated, in fact the advice is as old as time: don't chase a man with 'what are we?' Be slightly unavailable.
I believe in it, it worked for me when I finally applied it at the ripe age of 33.

@beastlyslumber is right, 'when men are genuinely into someone, they don't leave you wondering'.

I'm sorry OP, that honestly sucks. I don't agree with others making excuses for him 'maybe he thought you're already a couple?' Well if he was keen he would have gotten back to you, called you straight away.

I know there will be women who have asked their husbands out and it worked I'm the end, but if we had a tally chart, those cases are massively outnumbered to those with men being very keen and not wanting to miss out on you.

That's a real shame it didn't work out as we hoped 😕

@laurenGame
Thanks! I am a bit gutted but it is what it is, at least I know now before wasting anymore time.

I know I've been true to myself throughout all of this, im happy with how I've acted.

He still hasn’t replied?! That’s awful of him.

Having said that, I’ve generally had the conversation about exclusivity after two or three dates, not two or three months! I think you might have to increase your expectations a bit. It’s okay to admit you like someone. It’s okay to set your boundaries (eg exclusivity if you’re having sex)

I think you need to bin this one though. Next…!

Thanks. It's all a learning curve.

My friends all really like him and are convinced I'll hear back from him and he just assumes we are exclusive etc.

I obviously don't hold as much hope!

He’s a fool if he doesn’t hold on to you OP

@Squeezedtillipop
That's a lovely thing to say, thank you! I obviously agree

Can you see if he read your message?
I agree with pp, it’s a conversation to have after a few dates

I was refraining from posting as it seems you have a lot of useful replies. But I also wanted to reiterate that you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful person. And what you’re saying is exactly right - don’t have any regrets about asking, and that it doesn’t matter when you asked - you should be able to be straight with communication with someone you hope to have a long term relationship with. If you can’t then he’s not the one for you.

A bit dumbfounded over the ‘let a man chase you’ comments. Seems like a sure fire way to get an awful man and relationship. There are enough good guys out there who won’t play games with you.

I’m shocked he hasn’t yet replied yet, but you know his texting behaviour better than anyone here. I’m holding out hope you still hear from him.