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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
DancinOnTheCeiling · 27/03/2022 09:43

Thanks for the update @ToastOnCheese, so glad things are still going so well. You hit the nail on the head when you said he makes you feel safe and secure every day, that’s the foundation of a good relationship isn’t it? I hope you have a great time away with your friends. Ignore musttryharder, what an unhelpful comment. Xxx

beastlyslumber · 27/03/2022 09:50

@Musttryharder2021

Most probably it won't work out long-term, few OLD relationships do
Bloody hell, who pissed in your cornflakes?

Gad to hear it's going well OP and I agree, it's lovely to see someone brave enough to throw back the rubbish ones to find someone nice!

noradelphine · 13/04/2022 12:07

Glad it's going well 😊

DancinOnTheCeiling · 06/05/2022 18:53

Hello @ToastOnCheese, how’s things? I couldn’t find this thread for ages but found it again 🥳

PinkTrouble · 06/05/2022 20:18

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Im glad you found the thread, thank you for asking!

Its going really well thank you. We went for a little 2 night break last month and it was ace (our first 2 nights together)
He is so lovely, I still don't have a bad word to say about him. I've met his parents and some family friends, he's met some of my family members and 2 friends, they all think he is wonderful and so good for me. I had a little panic a few weeks ago because I felt so ... settled, but I've realised that's what I want and need. I am used to passion and excitement and intensity, he is steady and reliable and consistent and I've realised just how much more important that is! I do also feel excitement and passion with him, but its just easy and not what I've ever had before! We both feel very lucky.

I've not given the man I started the thread about a second thought. 😬

PinkTrouble · 06/05/2022 21:11

Whoops, NC fail 😬

DancinOnTheCeiling · 06/05/2022 21:19

Haha I was wondering about the name change @ToastOnCheese/@PinkTrouble.

Your news are amazing, so glad to hear how well things are going and how happy and settled you are 💕💕.

I used to think intensity/excitement with a guy means a relationship is really special but now I actually think intensity/excitement are signs that things are unstable/short-term and all about the chase/drama/wanting what we can’t have rather than to do with a solid stable relationship. (Plus anyone I know in decent solid relationships doesn’t have that sort of drama).

Hooray to reliable/stable/consistent 🥳🥳🥳🥳

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/05/2022 21:30

@DancinOnTheCeiling
I hopefully have changed back now to the original one, what a pain 😂

Thank you, thats reassuring and I totally agree! I had a freak out a few weeks ago because I wondered if I'm feeling how I "should" be feeling. My only real relationship was incredibly abusive and with that came a lot of intensity and passion, I could never relax. He would buy me gifts and book me surprise holidays, there was always something new, a new house, a new car, a new animal and to me that was normal. With my current boyfriend it was just so normal that I questioned whether it was "enough." But I was really open with him and we spoke it through and I quickly resolved my feelings!

OP posts:
DancinOnTheCeiling · 06/05/2022 21:39

@ToastOnCheese yes name back to the original name. So sorry about your abusive ex. I’ve had one too and know exactly what that intensity is like. But just like you, I would never relax which says it all doesn’t it? How can a relationship be okay if you’re never relaxed. So so glad it’s different with this guy. So chuffed for you. And such a good sign about meeting each other’s family/friends and getting on well with everyone. Keep us posted xx

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 06/05/2022 21:42

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thank you, im really sorry to hear about your situation as well.
The inability to relax really does say it all, it's just so difficult to see that in the moment. Thank you so much and thank you for being lovely! X

OP posts:
DancinOnTheCeiling · 06/05/2022 21:56

ToastOnCheese · 06/05/2022 21:42

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thank you, im really sorry to hear about your situation as well.
The inability to relax really does say it all, it's just so difficult to see that in the moment. Thank you so much and thank you for being lovely! X

😊😊

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/05/2022 15:18

Not the update I wanted, but unfortunately he has ended things with me today quite out of the blue!

I will pick myself up... again.🙄

OP posts:
noradelphine · 13/05/2022 16:15

Oh no 😞 did he give you a reason, hope you're doing ok?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/05/2022 16:35

@noradelphine
He literally did it over text message at 2.30 pm while I was working, mid text conversation. I am gutted but I've been through this before and I'll get past it, its only been 4 months.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/05/2022 17:32

He literally did it over text message at 2.30 pm while I was working, mid text conversation

He what??

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/05/2022 17:42

@Didimum
I know, I was shocked. We were chatting about something completely different and then he just sent the dumping message as his next response!

I've had worse but still, that is shitty behaviour. On Tuesday I was out with his parents for a meal and yesterday I asked if he wanted to book another holiday for next month, he said yes so I was looking at places. 🙃

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/05/2022 17:48

What is wrong with people?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/05/2022 18:36

@Didimum
I wish I knew! I'm fuming about it but just going to keep busy over the weekend.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/05/2022 19:07

How did he ‘drop in’ something like that? … ‘oh yeah, that was such a funny movie … oh by the way, I won’t be seeing you again, k?’

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/05/2022 19:18

@Didimum
He said, "I can't do this anymore. I'm really sorry, I just dont feel happy like when we first started."

Just like that. We had been talking about something mundane, I got that response 30 minutes after I'd last replied to him. It's so shitty and disrespectful to do that over text while I'm working.

OP posts:
DancinOnTheCeiling · 13/05/2022 19:18

Omg @ToastOnCheese I just saw your update, I can’t believe it. That’s so awful! I am literally speechless.

Did he just dump you completely out of the blue, no disagreement/other issue?

DancinOnTheCeiling · 13/05/2022 19:20

Cross posted there. How awful and shitty and terrible. I’m so sorry 🥲🥲. Had you noticed him pulling away recently?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 13/05/2022 19:31

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Things haven't been as perfect as they were right at the start, but we haven't had an argument that led to this, so I was shocked really.

I had kind of noticed him pulling away, he wasn't being as affectionate over text but I just assumed that was with us being in a more stable and secure relationship and out of the flowery stage. He invited me out for a meal with his parents on Tuesday and we had a good time, we were planning a trip away and we had plans for Sunday. He told me he loved me last night before we went to sleep!

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 13/05/2022 20:30

Definitely not too early. Apart from anything else, you have your sexual health to consider if he is still sleeping with others.
Hope it all works out for you!

Didimum · 13/05/2022 20:45

What a coward.