When to have The Talk

[ToastOnCheese]

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

Omg what an absolute bellend tosser. I cannot believe he told you he loved you and then this. But before telling you he loved you being more distant.. before that inviting you for dinner with his parents. Mixed messages all over!!! In my experience, mixed messages are the biggest head fuck. They’re literally crazy making. I’m so so sorry. I cannot believe this. I can guarantee he’ll be back. When he realises what he’s done he’ll come crawling. I’m not telling you what to do but I really hope you’ll be strong enough not to take him back as this is the most spineless shitty thing.. so so sorry this is happening to you!

@mycatisannoying have you read the thread?

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thanks! He seemed to be being less affectionate over messages but just the same in person, so I just assumed as we were 4 months in the texts would dwindle and that didn't necessarily mean he was losing interest. He was still saying he loved me and all that jazz, just not the messages of infatuation but I knew that wouldn't last. It seems I was being far too trusting.

I dont think he will come crawling back but if he does then I know I could never trust him ever again!

From your description it sounds like really bizarre behaviour. I think it’s totally normal after 4 months to reduce texting, not a red flag or anything, especially since he was still normal in person, making plans, inviting you for dinner with parents etc. No wonder you’d not be able to trust him again, how absolutely awful. Are you spending time with real life friends/do you have RL support? They must all be gobsmacked too

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Yeah, I'm keeping myself busy, I think it says more that I'm not particularly shocked. It's just more shitty behaviour from a shitty male 😂

I havent told anyone yet, I just want a few days to get over it and then I'll just tell people I won't be seeing him again.

Thank you for always being supportive on this thread x

@ToastOnCheese I just cannot believe this is happening. Your poor heart 💔. Please have a think about confiding in someone IRL after all; in case you become sad and need a hug or someone to get drunk with etc. No worries re support, I’ve had some rubbish experiences myself and feel like I recognise some of the things you’ve experienced.. Just never saw it happening with this guy. Your trust must be destroyed 🥲. Xx

I’m really sorry to hear this. Been there, got the T-shirt. It’s gobsmacking when you think you have navigated phase one and you are starting to feel on firmer ground when tuis happens. You have my full sympathy. NB: you have done nothing wrong. I have been in this situation, feeling like the sands have shifted outside of my control and the lovely future I was contemplating suddenly evaporated.

I am not sure if you are receptive to advice, but mine would be take what he says at absolute face value. Assume it is over. Hibernate. Don’t ask him if he’s sure. Don’t chase. Be kind to yourself. Do not pursue him. Fill your time with as many tv shows, movies, books, friends as occupies the gap. This is HARD but essential. Here are some 💐 to keep you going. I’m sorry.

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Aww I'm actually okay! Just met a friend and had some late night coffee, I ended up speaking to her about it and definitely feel better after that. She is very supportive, im so lucky to have such lovely friends.

I didnt see it happening with him either, certainly not like this! I feel more annoyed at the way he ended it as opposed to upset that he did? X

@SarahDippity
Aww thank you, I am definitely receptive of advice!
I won't be contacting him, the last message he sent said "I'm sorry" and I havent responded, nor will i. I didnt beg or chase or send millions of messages.

I like to keep busy anyway and thankfully didn't change my life or give anything up for him, so I'll just go about my usual life. We had plans on Sunday so I will do something nice with a friend then!

I think this ⬆️ makes a lot of sense and is good advice, especially about not chasing and asking if he’s sure.

To add to what @SarahDippity said, I’d prepare myself that he will be back in touch.

I was in a situation like you years ago too; I didn’t chase or ask questions and had to find my own closure rather than getting it from him (we were together much longer). He didn’t even tell his family he broke up with me - I did that. And they ALL (mum and several sisters) said “oh no, he’s done it again. He doesn’t deserve you, he’s a commitment phobe. Don’t chase him, he’s not worth it”. His mum even wrote me a letter how sorry she was and how I deserved so much more. His whole entire family was ‘on my side’, at that point I realised that in itself is a red flag ie a guy being so awful even his own family think he’s a shit.

He gave the most mixed messages ever - stroked my belly and said ‘soon there might be a baby in there’, then dumped me soon after. Mine actually did continue with mixed messages even after the break up. Acted like we were still together and spat his dummy out when I was not engaging in the back and forth anymore. I was so hurt by the break up and refused to get pulled back into his mixed messages, so I did what I now know is called grey rocking but he was honestly up and down like a yo-yo, trying to pull me back in.

I’m just saying this as I can imagine your guy might contact you again. If someone says I love you, then breaks up the next day that is some serious head fuck behaviour and I can well imagine he might think ‘what have I done?’. If he does, don’t let him pull you back. You are so strong and we are here to support you. And I’m so glad you met with your friend and told her. What did she say?

Btw definitely the way he broke up is unbelievable. Is he 12? So childish and awful, what a joke to break up in a text.

Was it on this thread where I recommended the commitment phobe book? I think I did very early on when this guy wasn’t on the scene yet. It helped me a lot to get over the break up but mostly it helped me work out why I had bad luck in relationships.

Thinking of you. Keep us posted xx

Being infatuated and saying he loves you after 4 months is a sign of love bombing.

I know he was so different to the one you started this thread about but someone in the middle would be good.

Onwards and upwards

Hi @ToastOnCheese I've followed this thread from the beginning and I was really sorry to hear of your latest update. You sound like you're handling it really well and have a good head on your shoulders, so I don't imagine this will keep you down for long. I suspect when you had your wobbly moment about the relationship that was your instinct telling you something wasn't right as opposed to it being the settling in phase. I hope you're able to still enjoy the weekend, take care X

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thank you and sorry to hear about your story but I am glad that you got your own closure rather than chasing him and giving him what he would have wanted.
When my abusive ex broke up with me I messaged him incessantly and I promised myself I would never ever do that again!

I will check the book out.

My friend thinks he just can't compromise and wanted me to fit into his life and felt he couldn't navigate the fact I have my own needs/wants/desires and made my expectations very clear to him. She thinks he did like me and he did want to spend time with me, however he wasn't mature enough to give up any of his free time.
And while I was chatting I was thinking that I can't remember a time he has made me fully belly laugh. We just have such a different sense of humour, in fact I never saw his sense of humour, he wasn't a very jokey person, whereas I am!

@SortingItOut
How long would you say is "normal" before someone says I love you?
He wasn't love bomby, he didn't make any promises, he didn't buy me gifts, we didn't speak about the future or make future plans (beyond a night away one month in advance)
I wonder if I've just got no grasp on what is normal!

@Poppins88
Thank you, I think youre right. I think he changed and in response to that I felt all insecure and unsafe, I even started a new thread at the time about how I am unable to relax. I thought it was all me and my fault, maybe it is. I just felt like he stopped putting effort in, but he was still asking to meet me, still making plans and driving to meet me after a long shift etc, so I had nothing tangible, but I just felt that it wasn't the same. It was more his attitude, we were still spending the same amount of time together.

@ToastOnCheese There is no normal but I'd expect minimum of 6 months, how early did he say it?

Lovebombing isn't just buying you gifts, it's infatuation, constant compliments, saying you love someone early on, meeting those closest early on.

Future talk could be future faking and not love bombing (not that he did that).

If you don't know what a normal relationship is get counselling and take things really slowly in future.
It's so easy to get swept up and carried away.

Did you not consider the lack of humour an issue? A good laugh is such a tonic.

@SortingItOut
I cant remember when he first said it, but when he said it I wasn't particularly shocked so it can't have been early early. I remember the moment he told me but can't remember the date!

Ah, I definitely didn't get constant compliments or anything like that. He would sometimes say I look nice but that's all.

I dont necessarily think I got carried away, I feel it was pretty chilled for 4 months in, we only saw each other twice a week and had a sleepover whenever work allowed, every 3 weeks or so. But maybe that is quick?

I think I overlooked the lack of humour because he had other good qualities but that's definitely my mistake! I've been trying to think whether he made me laugh even once and I cant think of an occasion! That has always been really important to me so I don't know why I overlooked that.

Hi @ToastOnCheese, sorry have been so crazy busy and not even had a minute.

That’s interesting what your friend said about him not being able to compromise etc. Definitely don’t give up on your dreams/needs etc. If someone can’t cope with that it’s their loss.

Also, the fact you felt insecure: definitely NOT your fault. You said you noticed him changing, that’s what causes insecurity, not you. I’ve been there, and in hindsight I know that I became insecure after he changed. It’s crazy making...

How are you doing now?

And belly laughs are so important! 😊

Sorry to hear this news. It's interesting that you didn't pick up on certain issues, such as his lack of humour and your feeling insecure til later, and that you started a new thread instead of posting on this one. It did seem like you were rushing into things but you were so sure about him, I thought I was being negative or paranoid thinking that!

I suspect he wants you to chase after him. He probably thinks that he's drawn you in and has got you, and now he'll get to play a little game with you. So you're right to just ignore him. I'd block him and delete his number before he comes crawling back.

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thank you and no worries at all! I totally agree that feeling insecure is crazy making. At the time it was hard to identify whether he changed or not because he denied it, it was easier to just say it was my fault and that I was reading into things too much. The post I made was about me not being able to relax.

I feel okay, I felt upset yesterday so went out with my friend. I am just so sad about starting yet again, trusting someone again, meeting someone, getting to know someone. I desperately want to meet someone, im 27 and I know that is young but I desperately want a family and I just didn't envision my life like this!

@beastlyslumber
The insecurities creeped in a lot later, I felt the most secure I've ever been ... until I wasn't. I didn't know why, I thought it was my fault due to my past experiences, however I now know that he changed and that caused me to panic and feel insecure. I knew about his lack of humour early on but somehow I thought he brought enough lovely qualities to make up for it. 🤔

I blocked and deleted him yesterday. I honestly was sure about him. I dont think he's a bad person, although he has handled this badly, I just think our personalities are chalk and cheese and for some reason I ignored that.

Aw I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad about starting again. It is so hard isn’t it? I found it helped me to think of unsuccessful relationships as practice for the right guy.. I know that’s easier said than done but looking back I learned something each time. It will happen for you, I’m sure. And I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but 27 is genuinely still young, you have plenty of time. Many of my friends met their partners and had babies in their mid to late 30s. I genuinely believe the right guy is out there for you. I know it’s so hard when you don’t know when you’ll meet him - uncertainty is just so hard isn’t it? I’m sending lots of healing vibes and hope you’re as okay as you can be xx

It's interesting you put up with a lot of shitty behaviour because you're wanting to settle down and have children, do you think that was a big driving force in continuing to stay with this person?

@DancinOnTheCeiling
Thank you, yeah, it's just the uncertainty and the what if I just dont meet someone? Its never guaranteed and I find that really scary. I know I still have time to meet someone and have everything I want but who knows what will happen! I'm fine about the most recent guy, it's not him, it's just another failed relationship! X

@Musttryharder2021
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's definitely the reason I've stayed with unsuitable people. This last guy was genuinely a nice person, I just should have ended the relationship the moment I knew it just wasn't right.

Ugh, I'm really struggling tonight. I'm back on Bumble and just feel completely disheartened and a bit hopeless. I know it's too soon to meet someone but actively looking for what I want seems better than just moping!

@ToastOnCheese I know that feeling well, you're not alone by any means. I hear what you're saying re. moping but it might be worth taking a few weeks to lick your wounds. I had a relentless approach to dating at one point I.e. getting back in the saddle minutes after a disappointment and I found when my energy was low/negative I was even more of a magnet for unsuitable people. Obviously you know yourself best, but just thought I'd share my experience with you x

@ToastOnCheese I’m currently going through a break up too and have started my own thread about how hard it is. I know what you mean though I’ve done an anonymous scroll through a dating site and it completely disheartened me as I didn’t fancy any! Maybe that’s because we aren’t ready though? I don’t know. Just wanted to comment to say you are not alone x

@Poppins88
Thank you, I think youre spot on about the feeling low and negative and just feeling ground down, wbjch possibly attracting the wrong type of person.

I just feel that if I had a job I hated then I would look and apply for new jobs. Meeting someone is the one thing I want to change about my life so I don't want to be despondent. X

@Getawaygerty
I appreciate your comment and I'm really sorry you're going through a break up. I think youre right, we arent ready and that means everyone seems unsuitable! But if we arent in the right head space then I think we are just disheartening ourselves. It feels quite hopeless. I'm sure we will both meet someone lovely! X