Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

217 replies

Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 07:00

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

OP posts:
Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 14/10/2021 08:43

Oh Chicken, if PPs have identified you correctly then no, he is not brilliant at all. He is downright awful. For you and for your kids who will be picking up on more than you think. You all deserve so much better.

He was able to stop forcing sex on you when he realised HE may get in trouble, but your wishes carry no weight at all from your OP here.

honeylulu · 14/10/2021 09:50

Oh no OP. My heart sank when I saw it was you again and that you haven't left him. In your last thread you had made contact with women's aid. What happened?

He is NOT brilliant and he does not deserve your love and loyalty. He is a vile abuser who does not even see you as fully human - you are just a vessel to serve him at his whim. As far as he is concerned you have no autonomy. He does not care what you think or feel. What he wants is the only important thing.

I remember your thread about him trying to force you to give him a hand job in the car with your children in the back. I wasn't sure whether to cry or vomit. PLEASE get away from him!

HoppingPavlova · 14/10/2021 09:53

That’s sexual assault.

category12 · 14/10/2021 09:57

I remember your thread about him trying to force you to give him a hand job in the car with your children in the back. I wasn't sure whether to cry or vomit. PLEASE get away from him!

If this is correct, this is a safeguarding issue - it exposes your children to things they shouldn't be witnessing. It's abusive towards your kids. He's not a good father.

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 10:04

Shocker.

Your rapist husband hasn't changed.

Remember after you came back from the refuge, you were like "it's OK, he's changed"?

If you can't see now that he'll still be sexually assulating you when you're in your 60s, you're just wilfully blind.

Nobody here can help you. We've tried. Repeatedly. For the last 2 years.

Only you can help you.

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 10:08

They are growing up with a shocking role model of how a marriage should be

On previous threads she was absolutely adament that they were apparently blind and deaf to it.

Hmm
TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 10:09

Why do you think it's you that has 'issues with sex'?

We all have 'issues with sex' when somebody is trying to get us to have sex we don't want.

Why do you think it's you that has the problem?

Shoxfordian · 14/10/2021 10:11

He’s regularly sexually assaulting you; of course you feel violated- you should leave him

ErickBroch · 14/10/2021 10:22

OP, he is sexually assaulting you, I am so sorry. You need to seek help, he is not amazing or wonderful in any other way, he is an abuser and likely a rapist. Take time to hear what people are saying, think it through, and contact an organisation like Women's Aid for verbal support. Flowers

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/10/2021 10:40

You don’t have “issues with sex”.
You have issues with sexual assault.
It’s not you, it’s him.

girlmom21 · 14/10/2021 10:42

If you're not going to leave him punch him in the bollocks every time he touches you and tell him if he lets you keep doing it he'll enjoy it eventually.

Maskless · 14/10/2021 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

category12 · 14/10/2021 10:59

@maskless, some of the backstory has been mentioned in the thread, perhaps you should have read it before talking absolute rape apologist bollocks.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Motnight · 14/10/2021 11:11

So sorry that you are still in this position, Op.

Nothing will change until you leave him. Nothing.

Cavagirl · 14/10/2021 11:14

Agree, this is really dangerous.

I normally don't think it's fair to link to old threads but to hopefully prevent further nonsense like this posters might want to give OP's previous threads a read here and here before posting.

MyAltAccount · 14/10/2021 11:16

You don't want sex. He does. Simple as that. He's sexually frustrated and you're being sexually pestered/assaulted.

If between you you are unable to resolve these differences then you have to ask yourself if you are right for each other?

Since you have three kids with him then you obviously did use to have sex. What changed? Do you see yourself ever being able to have sex with him again?

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 11:18

MyAltAccount He started raping her. RTFT.

Isanyholeagoal · 14/10/2021 11:21

The next time he touches you, tell him loud and clear ‘you are sexually assaulting me right now, I said NO.’ See if putting it to him in simple terms makes any difference although I don’t know why you are even still with this nasty, sexually abusive asshole

Colourmeclear · 14/10/2021 11:30

This is so sad. Your body is a part of you, this violation is destructive emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It's not a trivial matter, it's a war over your bodily integrity. It's a constant inner cry of please not this again, wondering what you can do to make it stop, jumping at every touch, planning an escape, avoidance, anything.

Your body will not forget what it means to be abused by the person who should respect you the most. It can only heal in the environment of safety, that does not involve living with the abuser.

You've left once, please reach out and leave again, for good, your body and soul is most likely begging you.

BlueJag · 14/10/2021 11:30

I think you both want something different out of this relationship. You are happy with no sex and he wants it.
It may be time to be honest and understand how you can move forward.
He may come across as a sex pest but in reality he isn't having any.
I can understand both sides and both sides are valid.

category12 · 14/10/2021 11:36

I can understand both sides and both sides are valid.

No they're not, because he has a history of raping OP.

Tiramiwho · 14/10/2021 11:38

Apart from everything everyone else has said, the way he tries to vocally coax you into submitting to him, is really creepy.
The type of thing an adult molester would say to a child 😔

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/10/2021 11:40

@Maskless and @MyAltAccount

Sometimes it’s hard to read a whole thread before posting; they can be very long. This thread is not even 2 pages long. Any idiot can see that this is a vulnerable poster who is discussing issues of sexual assault. What the hell is wrong with you?

I don’t go in for reporting posts but your ignorant, victim-blaming, rape apologising is so hateful and so , so wrong that I am going to give it a go. If you are not a wholly ignorant, you’ll apologise wholeheartedly and resolve to read a thread properly before spouting such bollocks ever again. You should be ashamed.

TheFoundations · 14/10/2021 11:46

@BlueJag

I think you both want something different out of this relationship. You are happy with no sex and he wants it. It may be time to be honest and understand how you can move forward. He may come across as a sex pest but in reality he isn't having any. I can understand both sides and both sides are valid.
I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe

You think this is 'valid'?