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Feel like husband doesn't care

(991 Posts)
Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 12:22:31

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

OP’s posts: |
Nquartz Tue 03-Mar-20 12:30:57

He sounds awful, like a horny teenager but less caring.

My DH loves sex but if I was ill he would send me off to bed & look after me.

If I were you I'd get back to work ASAP & start making plans to leave him.

mbosnz Tue 03-Mar-20 12:32:03

You're not being a brat, he's being a sex pest, and a creep.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 03-Mar-20 12:33:30

Am I being a brat or what?


You are not. He sounds like a pig.

You need to tell him clearly to stop pestering you like that. I can't think of anything more off-putting to be honest. Please don't put up with life like this.

Splitsunrise Tue 03-Mar-20 12:34:51

What the fuck?!? I can’t even IMAGINE any of that taking place in a loving relationship.

This man is an utter prick...please say you know that? Your poor kids

Prisonbreak Tue 03-Mar-20 12:37:10

He is disgusting. No other way to put it

Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 12:44:05

Ita not all bad
I do love him and I would never want to hurt him. He is great with the kids and together we have a family home and I dont want to break the family up. But I have been realising recently that I prefer my days with the kids when hes not there. I feel on edge when he is.
My friend says he cab be a bit controlling but I dont really know how. I posted while back about him touching me in my sleep says he doesnt mean it and hes asleep too. I think he is obviously a very sexual person and maybe we just dont match in the way we used too. My priorities have changed whereas his have stayed the same
It's so hard we have been together a long time since teenagers. I have no family. No support. No job no money.
I have been thinking about splitting up but it all feels too painful and if it's too painful surely it's the wrong thing?

OP’s posts: |
12345kbm Tue 03-Mar-20 12:44:47

What's he's doing is sexually abusive OP. Unwanted and non consensual sexual touching, whether it is coerced or forced is sexual assault. Trying to get you to masturbate him while you were just out of hospital and while your children were asleep in the car is abusive behaviour. Not only because exposing children to sexual activity is child abuse but because it would amount to dangerous driving.

He doesn't want to look after his own children when their mother feels so ill she feels like passing out. He is sexually assaulting you and dry humping you. He is making sexual innuendos - which, if said in front of your children, is abusive.

You need to get in contact with the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 and get some advice on leaving the relationship. You are not safe with someone who is regularly sexually assaulting you and are in danger of rape if you remain in the relationship as abuse often escalates.

12345kbm Tue 03-Mar-20 12:46:27

I knew he'd be touching you in your sleep. I have probably given you this advice before. It's not going to stop OP and is more than likely going to escalate.

He is regularly sexually assaulting you.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 03-Mar-20 12:47:54

still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner

WTAF? This is mental OP, there's something wrong with him.

^Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime....
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me^

Ugh, he is obsessed with sex and the dry humping is sexual assault, as is the putting your hand on his boner.

Am I being a brat or what?

No, not at all! How dare you not want sex occassionally, especially when you're ill. Want an unreasonable person you are. xxx

Isitsixoclockalready Tue 03-Mar-20 12:49:27

Breaking up is painful but that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 03-Mar-20 12:50:30


^ I posted while back about him touching me in my sleep says he doesnt mean it and hes asleep too^

The fact that he also does inappropriate sexual stuff the rest of the time makes this even less likely.

Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 12:52:58

Going to be really honest now. He used to force me to have sex with him even when I didnt want to. I'd try to go and sleep in my daughters room and he would put me back and other people would say "rape" me
I cant get my head around it being rape. But know that's what people will say. After this happening for a long time I confronted him and basically said he could go to jail if he continued. He was shocked and said he didnt know and just thought he was persuading me and thought I liked it. But he hasn't done it at all since. This was about 3 years he hasn't done it for now.
I feel like he has a good heart but his dad is very controlling and feel like hes learnt that.
It's so hard I love him and have noone else
I cant imagine not having him there just for someone to talk to.
I'd be all alone and no support.
He would have support and I would be worried his parents would fight for the kids.
My kids are my absolute world and it would break their hearts along with his if we broke up.
I want to stay in this house but have no job so wouldn't be able to. How would I even pay for anything.

OP’s posts: |
Egghead68 Tue 03-Mar-20 12:53:34

See a solicitor and LTB. He is an abuser.

Powerplant Tue 03-Mar-20 12:54:31

Get a job so that you can become more independent and have a life outside of the home. Working with other people will give you a sense of the norm and will help to build self esteem. He on the other hand needs to grow up.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes Tue 03-Mar-20 12:54:52

He wanted you wank/suck him off while the kids were In the back of the car?
God, he sounds absolutely revolting. Sounds like the rot is starting to set in you are waking up to what he is really like OP. I would get a job and try to start getting some independence sooner rather than later for when you eventually leave him.

Lipz Tue 03-Mar-20 12:55:42

I remember your other post.

Your dh is a scummy fucker and you were told this before. Your husband is not a great father and family man etc. You covered for him before and you are doing it again.

Until to realise in your own head that this arse is a disgusting pervert you are always going to have him treating you like a piece of meat. He has no respect for you and why you haven't left him is beyond me.

Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 12:57:10

I want a job but trouble is childcare. I have 3 children and a under 6. Cant afford it. Also want to do a course to be a classroom assistant as would fit in with the kids but starts September and is a year long

OP’s posts: |
Avocadohips Tue 03-Mar-20 13:00:03

Reading this has really disturbed me.

Nobody in their right mind is thinking about their sexual "needs" while they are driving their very ill partner back from A&E. With the sodding kids in the back!!!

So many men "don't know" they're sex pesting their partner in their sleep hmm if they were decent human beings they'd be horrified and off to the spare room or sofa until an appointment with a sleep clinic which they'd have made first thing.

I do think that men emotionally bond through sex and women need emotional bonding to want sex (broad stereotyping there I know). But this isn't that. This is seeing you as a slab of meat for him to jack off onto/into whenever he wants.

Get yourself a job my lovely. Get your financial freedom. Tell him to back the fuck off and don't touch you until and unless you ask him to. And leave him when it suits you. He won't get better. He might as well move out into a flat where a blow up doll and a bottle of lube can keep him company.

Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 13:02:10

Lipz I came from an abusive home hes the only one to have ever loved me and there are times he is loving and caring but less so recently. It seems when he doesnt get sex he becomes more controlling and stressed.
It's not as easy as all that as I say we have no support. No family. No money. He has all of those things. I'm scared of losing the kids. I'm scared of even having joint custody I dont want them to be at a different house to me half the time. I'm trying to do what's best for everyone. I always put my kids first. Always and will put up with most things as long as they are happy. And I know splitting up will be horrific for them. They are so so happy. Everything which u struggle with us hidden from them. They dont know anything and think we are one big happy family. Which we sometimes are.

OP’s posts: |
Bearski77 Tue 03-Mar-20 13:02:58

Oh @Egghead68 this is awful. I get that you're concerned for him and how scary you future seems without him, but you know you're better off without him. You know it. This is not normal behaviour. Please try to find help and find a way to make a new start with someone who deserves you x

Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 13:05:46

Does a solicitor cost money? He phoned me a the time when not with me and dont know how I would go and see one without him knowing.

OP’s posts: |
Lipz Tue 03-Mar-20 13:08:35

Your husband rapes you. I'm sorry but in those circumstances there is no reason to stay with him.

Chickencuddle Tue 03-Mar-20 13:16:51

I wssnt screaming and crying the whole time I let him do it because I said no and tried to get away and he didnt take no for an answer. He wasnt fighting me. I know it's bad but like i said he
Hasn't done it since i spoke to him about it years ago. He was honestly shocked and once I spoke to him about how it was wrong he realised and has never done it since.

OP’s posts: |
12345kbm Tue 03-Mar-20 13:25:08

I'm really sorry OP but that's rape. You know it's rape and you know that this situation cannot continue. He's also exposing your children to sexual behaviour which is abusive.

He's your husband, so you do have financial entitlements in the event of divorce. You may not have to move out of the property, you may be entitled to benefits and maintenance and even part of his pension. I have no idea as I have none of these details.

I would not tell him that you have plans to do so but I would start working on an exit strategy.

Here's the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship
You can contact Gingerbread who have a good helpline for information on benefits and child contact etc
You may be entitled to legal aid if there is evidence of domestic abuse. Here's some info on accessing free legal help and representation. There's a legal aid calculator on the page.

You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation here.

I also suggest you get in contact with Rape Crisis. You can find your local Rape Crisis here.

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