Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

[Chickencuddle]

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

OP you have to leave. You're minimising the abuse in your own head, its how abusers get away with it. Not posting the context 'because of bias' is another way of trying to minimise the situation because you know anyone who hears the full story will tell you what you already know. It is deeply abusive and incredibly worrying. And you haven't told anyone in your life about it I think I remember. You need to get out. The abuse cycle is called that for a reason. There are points where they seem 'ok' and its manageable. As someone else said, they take a breather. But they will always carry on. Always.

Since I wrote this post months ago there hasn't been any incidents. He continues to want sex and sometimes I think I can but when it comes down to it I clamp up and Jyst feel terrified and I don't know why because he doesn't terrify me. I just feel very protective over my body or something. I've never been this bad although I have always had issues with sex. He is being great and I just want to be able to do it for hi. I'm scared he will leave if I don't. It's been so long. He keeps saying about when I'm going to and how long it's been and he asked me if I would go elsewhere for sex. I said no I wouldn't and don't ever even think of that... Why do you. His reply was he Jyst wants sex. I asked if that could be with someone else... Would he want to have sex with someone else. He Jyst kept saying "I just want sex" that's the only answer I've got. I don't know how to make it right I think I might need counselling.
Before people start commenting just leave. I'm not going to leave he is being an amazing dad and husband and trying his best. Putting up with me.

Putting up with you?

OP you really need to realise its his previous actions that have made you respond like this to physical touch and sex. None of this is your fault.

I realise that and also old memories which have resurfaced haven't helped. However it's on me to find a solution as he is doing the best he can and can't do any more.

Op. He is not an amazing husband. He is abusive.

He keeps saying about when I'm going to and how long it's been and he asked me if I would go elsewhere for sex. I said no I wouldn't and don't ever even think of that... Why do you. His reply was he Jyst wants sex. I asked if that could be with someone else... Would he want to have sex with someone else. He Jyst kept saying "I just want sex" that's the only answer I've got.

This man is an abuser. Abusers don't change. He is still being abusive by pressuring someone he's previously sexually assaulted to have sex with him and implying he might cheat if they don't do so.

I know you've asked us not to tell you to leave him again but as someone who has been on a number of your threads, willing you to see this man for who he is and remove yourself and your children from his presence, my heart breaks.

I just wish you could see how terribly he's treated you, that he is a sexual predator, that he has on numerous occasions sexually assaulted you including with the children there and that men like that honestly never get better. They may pause some of the behaviours temporarily but they never stop completely. Your body knows that, which is why it's on constant high alert and why you don't want to sleep with him other than the small bit of you that thinks it wants to due to fear of him leaving you if you don't.

This isn't love OP. It isn't love, it isn't safe and it isn't fair on you or your children.

I hope that sometime soon you can break free from him.

Nobody on here is going to tell you how to feel relaxed enough to want to have sex with him. Nobody. Because he's sexually abusive and your body is reacting exactly as it ought to. Seriously. This is him just 'managing to behave'. Dont rewrite history.

If you’re not going to leave him OP then please reach out and find some support for yourself and these problems you think you have - and the memories which seem to be surfacing.

You can reach out to your GP for therapy on the NHS, there will be a wait list but better to be on it than not. You can self refer if you don’t want to go to the GP ( and might be quicker anyway considering covid).

I think therapy is going to help you either way, it will help you to understand your fear around sex or help you understand the dynamics in your relationship.

Oh OP, an amazing husband and dad wouldn’t treat you how he has treated you. It really is that simple. For some reason you keep making excuses for him and settling for this life even though you really do deserve better even though you don’t believe you do.

I’m not going to try and convince you to leave him as you say you don’t want to hear it.

But I think maybe counselling like you mention would be good for you, as it’s clear you have been through a lot throughout your life and a therapist could help you explore that and your feelings in your relationship too.

I really hope you are able to get the support you need one day and that you and your children stay safe as possible.

I'm not going to convince you to leave because you've clearly said you're not in the place to want to do so. That's your choice as an adult.
Would your husband be up for marriage counselling? I know Relate offer it. Would it help have open communication between each other to help build trust and security?

I don't know how to go about therapy and I'm scared as well to open up to someone and maybe hear things I don't want to hear lol I know that sounds stupid. I've mentioned couple counselling so many times but he won't go. Says he doesn't need someone else to make our relationship work. What will they do... They can't do anything we can't do we can just talk together not with someone else etc.
I'm nto very good at thinking up arguments on the spot and end up backing down. Also legitimate reason is childcare. We have noone to take 3 kids. There's no childminders round here no family etc. Don't know when I would go if it was just me even. There's no time and he is hardly here and noone else. Also he's not keep on me going I think he doesn't want me talking about him but he is OK with me talking about my family. Just feel so stuck

@aesgriff

I'm not going to convince you to leave because you've clearly said you're not in the place to want to do so. That's your choice as an adult. Would your husband be up for marriage counselling? I know Relate offer it. Would it help have open communication between each other to help build trust and security?

Reputable counsellors won't offer joint therapy where one or both parties are abusive. If OP was honest in the sessions about what has happened in the past, a responsible counsellor would have to terminate joint sessions and offer solo counselling only. I think that solo counselling would do OP the world of good and would recommend she books that rather than even considering joint.

Really would caution against couples counselling with an abuser. It might seem like an option if they are genuinely remorseful but the fact that after all that he's still saying he 'just wants sex' and pushing for an answer on how long till he gets what he wants

He doesn't want you to go to counselling because he knows they will tell you this relationship is horrifically abusive.

Even the fact he doesn't want you to go and is acting as if he gets the final say shows how abusive this dynamic still is.

If he loved you he would want you to go to counselling yourself so you could have a safe space to talk through how you're feeling.

You mention you don't know who would look after the children if you went to solo counselling... wouldn't their dad be the obvious choice? Why couldn't he look after his own kids while their mum got some much needed counselling to improve her mental health?

This man wants you feeling weak, confused, scared and compliant. He is abusive. This is not what love looks like.

However it's on me to find a solution as he is doing the best he can and can't do any more.

@Chickencuddle No, he is still trying to sexually coerce you, pressuring you by going on about it and by implying that if you don't have nonconsensual sex with him he might cheat.

If you do end up doing it, it's not consensual sex if you're doing it as a response to coercion, and especially if you're doing it in response to threats.

This man is one of the worst I've seen on here. I hope you do find it in you to leave your rapist one day. x

He works long hours and is only home at the weekends. I feel like he could use it against me as me being weak too and say things to the kids sbout it. He also said about money etc. We are on a budget. I feel like it will push him further away but at the same time I obviously need some help. It's not getting better with just me trying to solve it.. Or not really trying as I don't know what to do.

Can you go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling just for you? I think you need to work on your self esteem ♥️ you can't make decisions for yourself because you don't think your worthy of anything more than your current situation.

Your post has made me cry. Please leave him. You will be safer and happier.

I feel like he could use it against me as me being weak too and say things to the kids sbout it. He also said about money etc.

The fact you're worried about him doing this kind of stuff means you do know that he is abusive. This isn't what normal, nice, decent blokes make their wives afraid of.

I wish there was something we could say to make you believe that this abusive rapist won't change. He won't. He will always be abusive.

Please try to get some solo counselling so someone else can try to explain this to you. If they said the same as us, would you maybe consider leaving?

The longer you're with this man, the more likely it is that your children will end up in similar relationships as adults. Please let that power you. This is a terrible legacy to pass on to them. You could break this cycle and show them what a happy, calm, healthy independent mum looks like. You can't be those things while you're with an abuser.

Do abusers stop there behaviour for long periods of time. Because it's been almost a year since I left briefly which makes me feel like he didn't know and now he does he isn't doing it anymore.

It’s a tricky one OP as like you say, you can’t carry on trying to sort it out by yourself as it’s not working and must be very hard for you. Sometimes you need to put your mental health first. I think individual counselling for you would be best.

Relate would see you individually, they do offer telephone and webcam counselling if you’re not able to go in person. maybe that would be worth a try? They cover family issues, relationship issues and sex therapy too. They can also negotiate a cost with you if you need to pay less.

Alternatively you could speak to your GP about counselling but could be a very long wait depending on how busy services are in your area.

I’m not sure how your husband expects you to figure things out on your own? Surely it’s obvious to him that you do need help and you aren’t happy as things are. I think him not wanting you to get help, support or talk about him to anyone speaks volumes! Really think about that and why that may be please

Speak to your GP and get on the list for therapy. It's a shame if you can't get access to money for private therapy, too.

Therapy would help you gain confidence and awareness of what's going on.

The Freedom Programme would help, they're doing a lot via Zoom. freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I obviously need some help. It's not getting better with just me trying to solve it

You're nowhere near as fucked up as you think you are. It's being in a relationship with this man that's screwing with your head.

When I was involved with my 'ex' I thought I had major issues. But as soon as I stopped seeing him I felt a lot better.

@Chickencuddle

Do abusers stop there behaviour for long periods of time. Because it's been almost a year since I left briefly which makes me feel like he didn't know and now he does he isn't doing it anymore.

OP, two months ago he was still sexually assaulting you - read your first post on this thread back.

I think he thought it was OK because he stopped eventually. But I spoke to hi. About it and again made it clear that no means no. Last 2 months have been fine.
Also side topic....but since all this he says stuff to especially my eldest... Hard to explain. For example kids are playing together and one will cry about not liking being tickled or something and I have said before to all of them "when someone says they don't like something you have to stop"
He has heard this and I assume this is where its coming from but the way he says it makes me feel uneasy and maybe it's just me...
But he won't explain anything he will just say if an argument comes up he will shout at her "remember consent!"
I feel like he's repeating things I have said but in a weirder way and sometimes out of context.
Sorry that was a bit off topic.

Do you mean he’s saying it in a sarcastic way? Like he’s mocking you?