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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

217 replies

Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 07:00

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 17/10/2021 10:29

EDIT of my previous post: he has already proved to you that attempted rape in the presence of children is his normal.

Anon2000 · 17/10/2021 11:46

Your situation has so many similarities to mine. I got out after 20 years and he hasn't made it easy (understatement!) but its so worth it. When you're in the situation its difficult to see clearly. I knew things weren't right but I can honestly say it wasn't until I left and had counselling that I could see the abuse for what it was, and it now makes me sick what I accepted at the time and will never put myself or my children in that situation again. Your body is already telling you what your mind isnt ready to accept, and I dont think you'll allow yourself real enlightenment until you're out and safe. Good luck op xx

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 17/10/2021 12:07

Thanks for all supportive comments. Reading things like this does make me put a spotlight in his day to day behaviour and things I don't usually question or maybe used to and somehow now I don't are occurring to me. Yesterday he shouted at me for not picking my phone up straight away and I called him out. He didn't apologise but did stop shouting but I think if I hadn't have started questioning again I would have just said sorry to prevent an argument.
He also phoned me as soon as I was out of work and asked me what I was doing and why I was taking so long getting home. I don't know whether he has started acting like this again and I've just not realised or if he is sensing something as yesterday I felt like I was treading on eggshells again and I've not felt that way in a while really.

OP posts:
Mandalayblonde · 17/10/2021 12:14

By exposing your DD to this warped dynamic of how relationships work, you are setting her up for a similar lifetime of abuse rather than the real love she (and you) deserves.

Harsh, but true.

If you can't take action to get out for your own sake, can you do it for her?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 12:25

I don't know whether he has started acting like this again and I've just not realised or if he is sensing something as yesterday I felt like I was treading on eggshells again and I've not felt that way in a while really.

Because abusers like him don't change and now his mask has slipped.

He isn't only sexually assaulting you, he is doing so in the presence of your children because it excites and aroused him. He is turned on by both your discomfort and the fact your children could (and do) witness him sexually assaulting you.

There is no reason good enough for you to still be living with this man and your children under the same roof.

They are living in an abusive household full of coercive control, sexual assault, sexual abuse (exposing children to sexual behaviour is classed as abuse of THEM) and previously (and inevitably again in future) their mother being raped by their father.

Do you honestly think it is fair on your children to live in this home?

Living in a refuge, and staying there this time, and relying on benefits in the short, medium or even long term is preferable to living with a rapist aroused by exposing them to sexual assault.

MimiArm · 17/10/2021 12:31

This is so sad to read.

You clearly know somewhere inside yourself that this isn't normal or healthy and that it is abusive, but when challenged you repeatedly defend him and minimise his repeated actions. He continues to do these things because you let him.

He doesn't love you. He controls and abuses you. There is a massive difference.

I doubt you love him. You're afraid to be without him. There is a massive difference.

This will never stop. Surely you know this.

Please seek help so that you can be strong enough to clearly see what is going on here and change not only your own future, but also your children's future.

startingfromscratch · 17/10/2021 12:51

My heart sank when I saw your name again. He's never going to change & you know this. What happened after the last time you posted? You woke up & he was lying on top of you staring at you & trying to scare you, then he pretended to be sleepwalking. None of this is normal behaviour & your gut is telling you this. This is why you are looking for help on here, you know it's wrong. That time when you were in the car & he was trying to get you to give him a hand job was when he was driving you home from the hospital & you were really unwell, please don't try to downplay it, you kids could have woken up or you could have had a accident. You were so brave to go to the refuge last year. Maybe it's time for him to leave. Next time he does it ring the police & tell them he's sexually assaulted you & has raped you. Get him out!

Itstimetoquit · 17/10/2021 12:51

He's a horrible man,he's assaulting you please leave x

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 17/10/2021 13:21

This is one of the saddest (along with your other threads) situations I have read about on MN.

I really hope you get strong enough to leave this abusive man for good!

NowEvenBetter · 17/10/2021 18:48

I suspect I’ve commented on your other threads before. Can your kids go and live somewhere else while you’re with the rapist? Like, urgently?

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2021 18:58

@Chickencuddle

He didn't doing any of those things anymore. He apologised and admitted it was wrong. The only thing happening now is him pestering me a little but I don't really blame him with how long it's been. I guess I want him to understand the lasting effect it's had on me and wait until I'm ready. I want to be able to see the kind lovely man who I started out with and who is here now. The middle bit was awful and reading that brings back things I hadn't thought about in so long. I have to weigh pros and cons and the kids love him He is a great dad now. I don't want to split the family up and I want the kids to have the best life. I believe that is with both of us there as long as there is no abuse etc. 8 agree that there was abuse before but while he maybe isn't respecting or understanding me as much as he should 8 don't think what is happening now is abuse
God, I wish social services knew who you are.

He isn't a great dad. He's a pig.

And you aren't protecting your children.

Comedycook · 17/10/2021 19:22

And you aren't protecting your children

I agree and it's very frustrating and upsetting to read. I feel so sad for the op...she is vulnerable and a victim...however, she is also a mother and right now her judgment is so poor her dc are not being protected by her. I sincerely hope the children are never left alone with this man.

SummerWhisper · 17/10/2021 23:29

Is he tracking you via your phone? How does he know where you are?

Welshgal85 · 20/10/2021 13:00

Oh OP I remember your previous threads and am sad to hear you and the children are still living in this abusive environment.

I really hope you change your mind and are able to leave him one day to get you and the children to safety which you all need. I know you want to believe he is a good person but would a good person really do this? What would you say if a friend told you their H was doing this? I don’t think you would say he was a good person. He has no respect for you. He isn’t a good dad, as a good father would not behave in this way.

Haffiana · 20/10/2021 14:36

He is a great dad now. I don't want to split the family up and I want the kids to have the best life. I believe that is with both of us there as long as there is no abuse etc. 8 agree that there was abuse before but while he maybe isn't respecting or understanding me as much as he should 8 don't think what is happening now is abuse

The only possible way that you could think he is a 'great dad' and that this 'is not abuse' is because your own dad behaved the same way to your mum and you therefore think this is normal and what a 'best life' should look like.

Your children will also grow up thinking that this is normal. This is what their 'best life' will look like when they have their own children.

You are the adult. You are their MOTHER. This isn't just about you and your desperation to hang on to a bad man. Every single other mum on here is telling you that you are FAILING to protect your children. Every. single. one.

Comtedemontecristo · 20/10/2021 17:01

@Chickencuddle I understand. You love him. It's so hard to step outside your feelings and see things for real.

I was like you, I was in a cycle with 3 long term relationships one after another. I only realised how bad they were after I met someone who wasn't like that.

You need some perspective. Please go to someone whose opinion you trust 100% - a professional like a doctor or nurse or therapist etc. Show them what you've written here. All of it. Unedited. Ask for their honest opinion. Hopefully it will help you to see xxx

me4real · 22/10/2021 20:44

Hi @Chickencuddle How're things? How're you feeling?

Suzanne999 · 22/10/2021 20:49

He’s abusive. End of.
Would you nod and agree with him treating your friend, your sister like this? No, I thought you wouldn’t.
Please help yourself and leave.
The reason you’re feeling violated is because he is violating you.
Please contact Women’s Aid and remove yourself from him ASAP.

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 20:54

Op genuine tentative question.. Are you staying because you fear for your dc if he got unsupervised contact?
You need to keep a diary imo. One day you may feel strong enough to leave. Your details could be enough to keep your dc away from him.
Dc who are being witness to sexual goings on are dc that are classed as being sexually abused.. Just because he isn't touching them doesn't mean it isn't still abuse..

Suzanne999 · 22/10/2021 20:54

Sorry — hadn’t read all the posts and didn’t realise there are children involved.
Leave. Now. Take the children and go. He is not a safe person to be with. He was nice at the beginning to hook you in ( been there, have the t shirt)
This will not get any better. Your children need safety and it’s up to you to provide that.

me4real · 02/12/2021 02:27

Thinking of you OP. Flowers

Itsnotover · 02/12/2021 02:33

He’s a freak. Has he been doing this abusive ‘treat’ thing for 15 years?

How can you love someone who by your own admission, creeps you out?

Imscared83 · 02/12/2021 07:11

I have been in a similar situation. Coerced into sex, made pregnant, taking off condoms, all early on in the relationship. What this did was made me extremely confused and guess what mentally unable to have sex. But he continued to coerce me unable to figure out what was wrong.
This went on for a decade, both of us blaming me until I had a nervous breakdown. And guess what the problem was all along….him. I couldn’t see it because he had us both blaming me. I’m sorry but each time he tries to have sex something is telling you no, listen to it because that’s the real you telling you something isn’t right.

BlueJag · 23/12/2021 22:18

He would like sex and he is going the wrong way about it. He takes eventually no for an answer but by then you feel molested.
I can understand your and his needs. Neither meets each other expectations.
He wants it you don't. Very difficult situation.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/12/2021 23:06

You keep posting about this and all of us repeatedly tell you this is unacceptable behaviour in a relationship.

People who ignore sexual boundaries are predatory regardless of whether they are a complete stranger or married to you.

I certainly wouldn't entertain someone like this, or that behaviour but what do you want to happen?

How long has this behaviour been happening?

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