Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

[Chickencuddle]

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

What I am trying to say is that he has not 'stopped all previous behaviour'.

You are struggling with your DH constant pressure to have sex. Sex that you don’t want. It’s not that he asks once,then leaves it when you say no. It’s relentless. Having to fight off someone’s unwanted sexual advances 20 times a night is totally unacceptable. It is sexual abuse and you are the victim. I know you are struggling trying to come to terms with this and that’s very common, people often don’t want to accept it, but it is what it is.
You say his bad behaviour was in the past, but it isn’t, it’s current , that’s why you’re posting about it right ?
You overcome what you are dealing with by leaving. He won’t stop until you remove yourself from this situation.
Reading that he wanted you to perform a sex act on him while your DC were in the car, regardless of them being asleep and you having just come back from A&E and feeling very ill, literally made me feel sick. He sees you as a belonging, there to satisfy his sexual needs and nothing more. Can’t begin to understand which part of him is brilliant, he’s a bog standard abusive twat

You can't really solve this one because he basically feels entitled to your body. He may have stopped raping you, but he's still demonstrating time and again that he doesn't really believe he needs your consent.

And you have been traumatised over the years he has raped and sexually coerced you, so it's no wonder your interest in sex with him is low.

Apologies don't really cut it with trauma, especially when he continues to ignore your reluctance and nos.

There is no answer except leave.

You leave

I remember your other threads.

He is not going to change. You abs your DC are living with an abuser.

You need to make the decision to leave again

You have a problem with sex because of your husband's previous abusive behaviour. You don't trust him to respect your wishes this is why you feel unsafe. you say he has stopped his previous abuse but he hasn't, its just a different sort now. Something's can't be fixed, leave and get a better life for yourself.

You feel violated, because he's violating you! I've read your previous threads and my suggestion on how to deal with this is always the same. You leave him!

@ElspethFlashman your last comment is very uncalled for and unkind and I have reported it. I hope @MNHQ agree.

@ElspethFlashman we get the picture, you feel OP is not helping herself
If the situation is so frustrating for yourself , please feel free to move on

No need to stir the shit through the rest of her dinner

Def no need to kick a woman when she is down

Chicken, no. No no. Your last thread was so heartbreaking, one of the worst things I had ever read. Nothing has changed. Nothing. Your husband is an abusive rapist, and you and your children are in danger. The only thing you can do is leave him. He cannot change. This is who he is.

For goddess sake stop having a go at the OP! What is the matter with you all? Try and be a bit more sympathetic. This is not AIBU

You don't have an issue with sex.

He does though.

In that he's sex obsessed, rapey, sleazy, inappropriate, creepy etc. His behaviour is a type of sexual abuse really; so no wonder you're uncomfortable and turned off.

@category12

You can't really solve this one because he basically feels entitled to your body. He may have stopped raping you, but he's still demonstrating time and again that he doesn't really believe he needs your consent.

And you have been traumatised over the years he has raped and sexually coerced you, so it's no wonder your interest in sex with him is low.

Apologies don't really cut it with trauma, especially when he continues to ignore your reluctance and nos.

And this.

He's coercive and manipulative;

"No, i don't feel like it"

• "But it'll be a treat for you".

Translation; I'm not taking no for an answer, ll keep.pushing, I want what I want; I'll try to make out it's for her, not for me".

"No, don't feel.like it".

• "but you'll enjoy it when were doing it".

Translation; I'm not taking no.for an answer, I want what I want, I'm going to keep pushing, I'm going to try to convince her that she'll enjoy it when it's underway ... by that point I'll be getting what I want and ot dursbt really matter, and shell feel.too bad aboit stopping me, since we're already at it".

In both cases hes trying to manipulare you that it's for you for your pleasure, that you'll enjoy it ..... but it's blatantly not, its bullshit.

That sort of manipulative and coercion would make anyone tense and frustrated and uncomfortable.

It sounds like he's just moved from physical.coercion to trying verbal coercion. Cause that was what got him left before.

He's not changed.

He's just trying different tactics.

*That sort of manipulative and coercion would make anyone tense and frustrated and uncomfortable.

Sorry, I should add that behaviour plus, obviously, the repeatedly trying and pushing for something you've said no to. Very very uncomfortable and stressful.

This is absolutely awful. He should be in prison.

This is sexual assault.

Take the fucking rubbish out OP.

You don't have a sex problem, you have a husband problem op.

I bet if you were with a man who hasn't acted, and doesn't act like him you'd could have a relaxed, positive sex life.

He's a fkg sex pest.

You feel violated and don't want to have sex with your husband because he has a history of raping you and even now continues to sexually assault you. There is no "moving forward" from this whilst you stay married to him. Your attitude to sex may alter when you are no longer living with your sexual abuser. Unfortunately you seem hell-bent on remaining in the relationship so this is how things will continue to be.

What a total cunt
He is systematically abusing you
Ignoring you saying no
Leave him
Or get a giant dildo and shove it up his arse tell him he will love it and don’t take no for an answer
Seriously leave he has no respect or live for you at all

I'm not surprised you feel panic and violated. He is regularly sexually assaulting you. That would make any normal person feel panicky and violated. The problem isn't you, it is him.

I am pre-wording this with the fact that I have been in a refuge with a small child and just a bag of clothes. It was a result of my ex raping me. He did it by wearing me down - kept me awake all night pestering, until I relented by the morning. I would have done almost anything to get some sleep by then...

Going from my experience and purely my own opinion (which I believe would be shared by some) there are leavers and there are stayers. Some stayers can be convinced to leave with loving support, some stayers with Tough-loving support, some can never be convinced to leave. We are not all the same!

With most other words being exhausted on these numerous threads I don't think that trying for some tough love is the worst option. After all, the police and social services would spell it out at some point - you provide a safe environment to your kids, or you lose them!

There is so much help & advice out there (and even here) that there really is NO excuse not to leave. But I looooove him doesn't cut it. Op, you don't! The only real love you have is your children. Don't piss their lives away to indulge in your own trauma. It's selfish! Give yourself a timeline for being out of that pathetic scumbag's way (can you keep completely away for 6 months? A year? Forever? ). In that time put your needs aside, don't even think or analyse anything. Don't trust your brain. Just hyper-focus on your kids. Day at a time. Kids. Their happiness. Laughs. Games. Repeat.
Detox from your own broken mind. Detox from him. You don't need him.

I can tell you 100% he ain't a catch. I can imagine how lame this excuse of a man is with everything in his life. The only power he has, is over you. Don't be at the bottom rung with a man that most women wouldn't touch with a barge pole - you're better than that! You can do better! You can find someone more loving, more successful, more handsome if you wish! But you have to leave this fail (of a man) behind. Just thinking about how he moves, smells, his mannerisms, his low intelligence 🤮 Because men who do what he does to you are never attractive in any way.
He doesn't want to let go Not because he loves you... He's just scared he won't "pull" again! He knows deep down he's an unworthy specimen of female attention. Control is all he have.
Break the spell, OP! See how ugly he is! Don't give anymore care and emotion to that laughable needle-prick : go and spend that on your children, they really need you.