Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

[Chickencuddle]

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

Please keep posting for support though ❤️

He didn't doing any of those things anymore.

Sorry, as someone who has offered support to you for threads and threads now I say this from a place of concern - that is absolute bullshit.

He IS still assaulting you. You say it on this thread:

Most of the time now he does eventually stop but it can take so so many times of me saying no and pushing his hands away. Like maybe 20 times sometimes more.

THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT.

You're deluded if you think this is a good relationship and is good for your kids. He regularly sexually assaults you. You're never going to enjoy sex with him again.

This is horrifying and you need to work on leaving him.

This is one of the most chilling threads I've read on MN. I cannot imagine being in a place where I stayed with a man who had sexually abused my children - and yes, exposing them to sexual behaviour is sexually abusing them. And I say that not in a critical way, OP, but through concern - you must be in a truly horrific place in yourself to still be with this disgusting abuser. I really hope you can get the help and support you need to leave him. For your children's sake, and your own.

After reading all the additional information I'm fucking horrified....

Its not only about children emulating behaviour, they're also directly at risk from someone who's clearly a sexual predator, and not playing with the full set.

I can't fathom how you don't see that OP.

I think the problem is it is so deeply ingrained now into your psyche it will be so difficult to unpick.

First thing there can be NO pestering. Sex really does need to be a complete no go area for you to actually heal yourself from this. And he needs to understand this. Anything is going to be a trigger for you (and I think with anyone) until you work on this.

That includes personal space for you and I think sleeping in a separate bedroom away from him - and again he needs to understand this as well. It is necessary I think for your healing.

Then you need to have counselling and work on yourself. He I think also need counselling and work on his boundaries and his level of appropriate behaviour because I think he lacks some serious boundaries about what is acceptable in terms of sexual behaviour particularly in front of the children. That I would say is a necessity because you are running a serious risk of passing these warped ideas of sex onto your children

These things will either give you a pathway out or if you still want it a pathway together. But you need to tell him that he needs to understand and respect you completely as an equal person and partner and not as a sex object.

If he isnt willing to put any time in then OP it is over.

I want to be able to see the kind lovely man who I started out with and who is here now.

Do you mean he was normal and nice before all the weird sexual behaviour started?

Do you think he was showing his true self of he was?

It sounds like you got straight into a relationship with him out of a very dysfunctional, abusive, fuckrd up family life .... saw him as your rescuer.

I think he knew you were a bit desperate and very vulnerable. Which doesn't make him a nice person, it makes him a bit of a predator really.

and who is here now.

But he's not here now because he's still hassling you 20 times or so for sex/sexual contact.

And he's using bullshit lines to try to make you go along with ut "it'll be a treat for you", "you enjoy it" etc.

*"you'll enjoy it".

He's still doing it, he's just reined it way in, because you left back in January.

And you had a thead about the weird, fkg sinister thing where he was lying on you while you were asleep etc, maybe testing if you woke up.

He sounds like he was testing what he could do without waking you up, because he doesn't want you to have to consent to sex: he wants to have sex when he wants it, no consent necessary.

He honestly sounds like he sees women as sex dolls or sex aappliancesor something

www.nidirect.gov.uk/contacts/24-hour-domestic-and-sexual-abuse-helpline

The Domestic and Sexual Abuse helpline is open to women and men affected by domestic abuse or violence. This free telephone service is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Freephone
0808 802 1414
Email
[email protected]

Women's Aid NI: www.womensaidni.org/

Someone mentioned that their partner would be freaked out etc if they trier to initiate sex and sexual contact with them with their kids around ..... I agree 100%.

I've been in a few relationships and none of them (men) would want ot feel.comfirtable having sex or sexual contact with kids in close proximity. He seems to have kept trying to have sex or do sex acts with kids in.ose proximity (awake or asleep) .... men I know would not even keep an erection in those circumstances ... (if, for example, you started having sexual contact and a child came into the room etc).

They wouldn't be ok with having sexual contact with kids playing in the room beside them, or even with sleeping kids in a car (in case in case woke up or just in general).

That is not normal.

The fact that he stays aroused (or even gets more aroused (?) by doing something inappropriate and illicit with the kids nearby, not knowing (he thinks) for sure that he's having sex or sexual contact with you ...... is a big nhg red flag.

There's something wrong with him, (which fits with the history of all his all behaviour) ...... that "something wring" doesbt disappear or stop. Its always there. He's just controlling his behaviour at this time because he had some consequences for years of it at the start of the year.

Bit he hadn't changed he couldn't, he's not wired right.

*I should add, I imagine some couples might have sex (when both want it and are comfortable with it) with a baby (sleeping) in a cot the same room ... if they choose to have the cot in their room or don't have enough rooms for a room for the baby.

But that's a baby in a cot, sleeping; and I imagine if the baby woke up, it would put a massive dampener on the sex, and it would probably be abandoned until they were asleep again.

That's not what he's done.

It diesbt matter if he's stopped (at the moment) that type of behaviour... some things say so much about something that it doesn't matter if they appear to have stopped; they're still not suitable relationship material.

You said he's a great Dad, but he previously kept pushing for sex and sex acts around them, eg with them playing nearby, so at best he didbt care if they guessed or saw something they shouldn't, and at worst; he got off on them.being nearby and not really knowing what you were doing, I suppose suppose thought it was sneaky and illicit abd exciting..... but ots pretty sick.

He had no right to subject his kids to that .... so he's not a good father. Doesbt matter if ges not doing that sort if thing at this time; he tried tk.do it before, several times.

Also all of his behaviour towards you up to, abd including now, does not make him a good father.

A good father does not make his kids mother uncomfortable, stressed, tense, always having to fend off sexual advances (including in the vicinity of her children), pressured etc etc

Behaviour towards your partner and coparent cannot be separate from your parenting of your kids ... even if the courts of this land fail people (usually mothers) by not acknowledging that. They cannot be neatly divided like that.

He's not a good father anyway, but hes even more so not one because of his behaviour towards you.

If you do separate from him again, which honestly, sadly is the only good thing you can do for yourself abd your kids ... you need to tell all the sexual stuff to women's aid or social services, because you need to control his access to them.

Dread to think what he'd be getting up to around or in front of them.

There is abuse now, men like him don't change without significant support and intervention.
You are kidding yourself, I'm sorry.
I escaped an abusive marriage so I'm speaking from experience here.
You need to get your head around that he is abusive and make a plan to leave. It might be this year/ the next but I can tell you this the longer you stay the harder and the greater the damage to your children.
The fact he has no boundaries about sex around your children is a huge red flag. Where are his boundaries with ace and children - that is hugely concerning. He is not a good father.
You quite frankly deserve better and so do your children.
Get help and make a plan so you are safe and your children. I promise it's better on the other side x

So your first post yesterday tells us how he keeps going on about you having sex with him and continually groping you, despite you making it clear you don’t want to have sex. If you tell someone you don’t want sex and they continually touch you sexually against your will that is SEXUAL ASSAULT . You are being sexually assaulted in your own home in your own bed.
Now he’s not doing that anymore and it’s not that bad and you don’t blame him. You are in denial, which is incredibly common amongst victims of abuse . He is in no way a half decent husband or father to your children. If social services became aware of his sexual behaviour around your children they would be taking a very keen interest in your family. His behaviour is not normal. Normal men do not wish their sick wives to give them a B J in the front of the car whilst their children are sleeping in the back. He is perverted.
Please don’t make excuses for this person, he cares about having sex. That is the only thing he cares about, not you, not your children, just sex.
You are allowing you children to learn a really unhealthy attitude towards sex, which will have a major impact on their lives as they grow up and have relationships themselves. The best way to fix that is to leave , teach them that sex is special and wonderful between two people that both want it, not to accept it being forced upon you.

It's not normal at all. I've been seeing someone and normal is

I said ow move over once in bed and he stopped immediately, and asked what was up and was I ok (he was leaning on my hair!)

He will come and give me a cuddle and be a bit suggestive, I jokingly say to use his hand if I don't want to, and he will go "oh ok. Fancy a brew instead then?" And that is it. He never ever pesters.
I've been with someone who did and it's like having a dog humping you, and it puts you off sex completely. I had the total ick by the time I ditched him because there was no thought or romance it was just like he was a horny dog and I might as well have been anyone

I'm 'glad' to hear from you OP, as I've sometimes wondered how you're doing. Sorry to hear what you're enduring now. Of course it's abuse/assault- he's doing sexual stuff to you without your consent. I hope you do somehow separate from him for good soon.x

This is so fucked up.

@Chickencuddle

I left out the past purposely as I didn't want a bias opinion. Yes it was wrong but its in the past. He has apologised and wants to move forward and has stopped all previous behaviour. As stated previously...the car incident... The children were all asleep. The one time... Years ago. I love him. The children have a great life there is no cause for concern. I am not a Saint... I cheated on him before marriage and didn't tell him until last year. I know we don't seem matched but we both love each other so that's what I was hoping to get help with... How to move forward.

How on earth are you going to move forward when he's sexually assaulting you? That's what it is. How long are you going to continue to brush this under the carpet and make out it's you who has the issues?

You're minimising and downplaying what is really disturbing behaviour.

Having just read some of your posts on the other two threads (thanks for posting, @Cavagirl) I think he gets a sexual thrill when the children are nearby. Whether that's about risk and not children per se, is irrelevant. He is one sick sexual predator and your eldest daughter is stressed and trying to manage herself around him because she is already the victim of his physical and emotional abuse. That he feels so sexually charged when around children is disturbing. I'm really, really sorry to make this comparison, but he seems to be just like your father. I'm so sorry.

Your eldest daughter is 7. Do you think this entitled rapist is capable of restraining his libido when her body starts to develop? He has already proved to you that sex in the presence of children is his normal.

Leave as soon as you can.