Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

217 replies

Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 07:00

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 14/10/2021 12:14

You don’t have issues with sex, he is sexually assaulting you.

MyAltAccount · 14/10/2021 12:15

[quote GetOffTheTableMabel]**@Maskless* and @MyAltAccount*

Sometimes it’s hard to read a whole thread before posting; they can be very long. This thread is not even 2 pages long. Any idiot can see that this is a vulnerable poster who is discussing issues of sexual assault. What the hell is wrong with you?

I don’t go in for reporting posts but your ignorant, victim-blaming, rape apologising is so hateful and so , so wrong that I am going to give it a go. If you are not a wholly ignorant, you’ll apologise wholeheartedly and resolve to read a thread properly before spouting such bollocks ever again. You should be ashamed.[/quote]
Nowhere does she say she's been raped.

No one, certainly not me, is victim-blaming.

What I did do is READ THE POST.

"What do I do."

"We have been together for 15 years. Married with 3 children. I love him and he is brilliant in most ways"

She wants advice, that is why she posted. Clearly, LTB is one bit of advice she will get here. I provided advice that doesn't involve her splitting her family up and leaving the man she loves.

SpringCrocus · 14/10/2021 12:21

@Chickencuddle

Most of the time now he does eventually stop but it can take so so many times of me saying no and pushing his hands away. Like maybe 20 times sometimes more.
@MyAltAccount You obviously didn't read the OP s posts.
SpringCrocus · 14/10/2021 12:21

The man is a vile abusive rapist.

SpringCrocus · 14/10/2021 12:24

And @Maskless, I reported your post, also. Glad to see it has been removed. Shame on you for posting it in the first place

MyAltAccount · 14/10/2021 12:24

@SpringCrocus

"We haven't had sex in a long time."

Kittykat93 · 14/10/2021 12:47

This is not a sex issue ffs. It's yet another example of your shitty dickhead husband ABUSING you. I don't know why you come on here starting so many threads about his disgusting behaviour when you clearly are just going to continue to put up with it. It's so fucking tragic for your children - did he really try and force you to sexually pleasure him in the car when your kids were there?? That is child abuse. You need to leave

Comedycook · 14/10/2021 12:48

[quote MyAltAccount]@SpringCrocus

"We haven't had sex in a long time."[/quote]
I've just read the ops previous posts. Her husband is a disgusting man and the backstory is absolutely horrendous. This is not just a case of mismatched libidos. He sounds dangerous.

Joystir59 · 14/10/2021 12:51

You don't love him, he is a habit you are scared of breaking as you are raising children and because you've been with him a long time. His repeated sexual abuse has for sure eroded any love or respect you felt.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 13:12

I left out the past purposely as I didn't want a bias opinion. Yes it was wrong but its in the past. He has apologised and wants to move forward and has stopped all previous behaviour.
As stated previously...the car incident... The children were all asleep. The one time... Years ago.
I love him. The children have a great life there is no cause for concern.
I am not a Saint... I cheated on him before marriage and didn't tell him until last year.
I know we don't seem matched but we both love each other so that's what I was hoping to get help with... How to move forward.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 14/10/2021 13:19

@Chickencuddle

I left out the past purposely as I didn't want a bias opinion. Yes it was wrong but its in the past. He has apologised and wants to move forward and has stopped all previous behaviour. As stated previously...the car incident... The children were all asleep. The one time... Years ago. I love him. The children have a great life there is no cause for concern. I am not a Saint... I cheated on him before marriage and didn't tell him until last year. I know we don't seem matched but we both love each other so that's what I was hoping to get help with... How to move forward.
Your backstory is extremely relevant. He is not a good husband and father ....you need to protect your children as well as yourself
ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 13:20

Stopped all previous behaviour??!

What do you call this???

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 13:21

And what about the time he ground into you looking for sex at the kitchen sink when the kids were in the house?

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 13:21

What about all the million times he groped your tits and groin every time you passed him in the house?

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2021 13:23

You minimise all you want. But YOU said all this stuff.

You'll still be minimising his behaviour
at 65.

Comedycook · 14/10/2021 13:23

The children have a great life there is no cause for concern

Really? I think social services would think very differently

Maze76 · 14/10/2021 13:26

@Chickencuddle, reading what @MsDogLady had written it’s clear that your OH is abusive and the abuse is escalating. You bravely took the steps to leave him before, please look at doing this again or having him removed from your home. 💐💐
He will not change and potentially, you and your children are in danger.
I know it’s daunting and you are scared, but honestly it’s scarier to remain where you are,

romdowa · 14/10/2021 13:33

@Chickencuddle

I left out the past purposely as I didn't want a bias opinion. Yes it was wrong but its in the past. He has apologised and wants to move forward and has stopped all previous behaviour. As stated previously...the car incident... The children were all asleep. The one time... Years ago. I love him. The children have a great life there is no cause for concern. I am not a Saint... I cheated on him before marriage and didn't tell him until last year. I know we don't seem matched but we both love each other so that's what I was hoping to get help with... How to move forward.
If there is no cause for concern then why are you posting?
Original poster
Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 13:38

Posting for opinions on how to overcome what I'm struggling with tbh

OP posts:
romdowa · 14/10/2021 13:40

@Chickencuddle

Posting for opinions on how to overcome what I'm struggling with tbh
What part are you struggling with exactly? Surely it's the unwanted sexual contact? There is no way to overcome that .
WhitePhantom · 14/10/2021 13:45

If someone makes you a beautiful chicken curry, that's brilliant.

If they stir in a lump of dog shit then it's no longer brilliant - no matter how lovely it would have been without the dog shit. The dog shit makes it utterly disgusting.

Your "D"H violating you is the equivalent of a lump of dog shit in your dinner. It taints the whole thing.

SpringCrocus · 14/10/2021 13:49

@Chickencuddle

Posting for opinions on how to overcome what I'm struggling with tbh
You take your children and leave.
lifeissweet · 14/10/2021 13:49

@WhitePhantom

If someone makes you a beautiful chicken curry, that's brilliant.

If they stir in a lump of dog shit then it's no longer brilliant - no matter how lovely it would have been without the dog shit. The dog shit makes it utterly disgusting.

Your "D"H violating you is the equivalent of a lump of dog shit in your dinner. It taints the whole thing.

This is brilliant. I'm using this for a similar personal situation
MistyFrequencies · 14/10/2021 13:50

He is sexually assaulting you. That's what you're struggling with.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and I realise how hard it will be but you need to leave. When you say "no" he should stop immediately, any other response is not only unacceptable but likely criminal.

EdgeOfACoin · 14/10/2021 13:53

I left out the past purposely as I didn't want a bias opinion. Yes it was wrong but its in the past. He has apologised and wants to move forward and has stopped all previous behaviour.

Chicken, I didn't know the backstory.

My initial reaction after reading your first post was: "this is sexual assault, no husband should be forcing sexual contact on his wife like that". No decent man ignores his wife telling him 20 times not to touch her and says he is going to give her a 'treat'. These are not the actions of a loving, nice husband.

So that was my initial, unbiased reaction, without knowing the background.

Having read the rest of the thread, I can only say this is a continuation of the pattern that has already been established. It is clear you are married to an abuser and this is just the latest in a series of abusive behaviour exhibited by your husband.

I am very sorry.

I can only tell you that good and kind and decent men do not behave like this. A man who is upset that he and his wife are not having more sex will talk to his wife about it, calmly and when they are not in the bedroom. He does not insist on violating her boundaries anyway. That is not the behaviour of a good husband, I promise you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread