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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex problem don't know how to solve *Content Warning* title edited by MNHQ

217 replies

Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 07:00

1i have huge issues with sex... I know I do. I feel panic and violated if my partner tries to initiate anything. We haven't had sex in a long time. However he keeps doing this thing where he will touch me down below. I will ask him to stop and he will say "I'm going to give you a treat" tbh this creeps me put so much. Anyway I will keep saying I don't want him to and he will keep on at me and keep touching me even if I've asked him to stop. Last night I felt so poorly. Jyst wanted to sleep and he kept doing it and I said "I've asked you to stop why are you still doing it" he will say once I let him do it I'll enjoy it in the end etc. I've told him how I feel and he unsee stands why I feel like this. I told him every time he doesn'tisten to me and carries on I feel less safe and I need to feel safe to have sex.
What do I do.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/10/2021 07:02

You leave him. He isn't listening and he doesn't understand what no is.

Sparklfairy · 14/10/2021 07:03

You leave.

Hes a sex pest. Hes ignoring your boundary and feels entitled to your body as and when he wants. Its vile and abusive.

user911 · 14/10/2021 07:24

End this now

He does not respect your wishes or hear your "NO"

Find someone you feel safe with

category12 · 14/10/2021 07:28

You need to end it with him.

He keeps reinforcing your trauma by touching you non-consensually.

namechanging564 · 14/10/2021 07:29

I'm not surprised you feel violated, he is violating you! It's not acceptable OP, he's not a good man.

sixswans · 14/10/2021 07:33

No wonder you feel panicked when he forces you to let him touch you when you've clearly told him now. Sounds like he's got the huge issues. Maybe the panic feeling is an instinct you need to follow

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 07:34

Most of the time now he does eventually stop but it can take so so many times of me saying no and pushing his hands away. Like maybe 20 times sometimes more.

OP posts:
BlueistheNewme · 14/10/2021 07:34

He’s sexually assaulting you, no wonder you feel violated. I would leave him. Contact women’s aid for support and advice.
I’m sorry that you are going through this, it must be awful.

Branleuse · 14/10/2021 07:36

You need to leave him. He doesnt care about your boundaries and what you want or what you need

user911 · 14/10/2021 07:37

@Chickencuddle

Most of the time now he does eventually stop but it can take so so many times of me saying no and pushing his hands away. Like maybe 20 times sometimes more.
Most ?

Think about it and read the posts again

What would you say if this was your friend , sister , cousin ?

category12 · 14/10/2021 07:37

@Chickencuddle

Most of the time now he does eventually stop but it can take so so many times of me saying no and pushing his hands away. Like maybe 20 times sometimes more.
Eventually stopping is not OK. He should stop at the first no/first sign of reluctance.
romdowa · 14/10/2021 07:41

This is sexual assault. Please contact women's aid or a similar organisation for some support.

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 14/10/2021 07:43

He's making you feel violated because he is not respecting the very basic boundary of 'no'. I don't know if you had preexisting issues with sex from your post but I can't imagine any woman in the world would not feel the same as you do after his pushy, creepy ministrations.

'I'm going to give you a treat' makes even me feel gross. A treat is not something given against your will. If someone shoved an icecream in your face after you'd said you didn't want one, that would not be a treat. And the bit about 'you will enjoy it'. Sex isn't about grinning and bearing it.

I think you're well within your rights to get angry, channel that into leaving. Nobody has the right to touch you without consent and he is sexually abusing you by doing so. It is doubly infuriating that he is dressing it up in this gross language. I can't even think of the exact word for it but as though he is some kind of healer and you just need to let him do what he wants.

If a stranger did this, would you feel any different? If so, think how you'd feel and translate it to this situation as there is no difference. If the lack if sex was a deal breaker for him, he should have ended the relationship. As it stands, I think you should. He simply has no respect for your boundaries and this could escalate. Do you live together?

LizzieMacQueen · 14/10/2021 07:48

Do you know what the initial factor was that has lead to the trauma? Abuse as a child? You don't need to lay out all the details here but counselling may help. Your husband, the man who is meant to love you unconditionally, should be supportive. (But you know that).

GrandmasCat · 14/10/2021 07:51

Sexual assault, plain and simple. That would put anyone off.

The fact that you are a couple doesn’t remove that. What keeps you together?

Sparkletastic · 14/10/2021 07:53

He is repeatedly sexually assaulting you. In your shoes I would immediately end the relationship.

Cavagirl · 14/10/2021 07:58

Oh Chicken Sad
I've often wondered about you.
I'm so sad to see you back here and still in the same place.

You don't have issues around sex. You are married to a rapist. He has raped you and continues to sexually assault you, sometimes with your small children nearby.

Have you stayed in touch with Women's Aid?

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 14/10/2021 07:58

We have been together for 15 years. Married with 3 children. I love him and he is brilliant in most ways

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 14/10/2021 08:00

You need to leave.
If you don’t this will continue.

GrandmasCat · 14/10/2021 08:13

@Chickencuddle

We have been together for 15 years. Married with 3 children. I love him and he is brilliant in most ways
Of course, the only little problem is he is a sexual abuser. I can imagine why after 15 years of abuse you think is brilliant in other aspects. Is he abusive in other ways?

That’s the nature of abuse, the longer you are being abused the more you think he is great when he is not abusing you so therefore it is worth staying. That’s how many women put up with harrowing situations at home.

Have you talked about how his abuse makes you feel? Out of bed and under the sobriety of day light? If so, what did he say? If you haven’t yet, ask him, his response will give you a clear idea about how much or little he cares about your feelings, wishes or even your right not to be assaulted. He may (or you may) believe that that regular sexual assault is nothing and it is his right as a partner and you are there to provide it whether you want to or not.

category12 · 14/10/2021 08:18

But he's not brilliant in a really serious way, one that impacts your mental health and well-being, one that makes you feel like a piece of meat, one that traumatises you.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/10/2021 08:21

You need to leave.

Pashazade · 14/10/2021 08:22

Oh Chicken, I clocked your user name and my heart sank. Dear lady, please speak to woman's aid, please please work on leaving. He will never change, he does not care, being an even halfway decent father is something he can do from another home without you present. He is destroying you piece by piece and this is something no child should have to witness. You can do this. ThanksThanks

MsDogLady · 14/10/2021 08:31

Chickencuddle, you’ve written many threads about your controlling, sexual assaulting H. This has been going on for years. Touching you in your sleep. Forcing your head down. Slapping your face with his penis. Constant groping and humping you during the day. Incessant innuendo. Dominating, shouting, and talking over you. At one point he was bullying your eldest little girl.

In earlier years you would hide out in your child’s room, but he would carry you back to your bed and rape you. He finally stopped that when you told him he could go to prison.

You received wonderful support here and finally escaped to a refuge with the children. You stayed there approximately one day and then returned home. I believe you later reported that he was so stunned that you left that he stopped his abusive behavior. However, sometime afterward I believe I recognized you as a poster whose H was being a pest in bed. And he still is.

Chicken, he is a sexual, emotional, and financial abuser. Actually, I’ll add physical abuser to that because I now recall that he has pushed you. He will never change, Chicken. You and your 3 dear children are still living in a dangerous home.

Please seek help again from Women’s Aid. Flowers

Babdoc · 14/10/2021 08:42

OP, if you won’t leave for your own sake, please do it for your children. They are growing up with a shocking role model of how a marriage should be. Do you want a son to think this is how to treat a woman- to rape and abuse her? Do you want a daughter to think she is allowed no boundaries and must accept an abusive partner?
You do not “love” your abuser. You are trauma bonded and codependent, and mistaking this for love. It is like Stockholm syndrome in hostages.
You have already wasted 15 years with this vile criminal. He belongs behind bars, and you need to seek help to free yourself from him.
Don’t spend the rest of your life being sexually assaulted, demeaned, your feelings ignored and your boundaries trampled, with your children groomed to accept the same from future partners. Listen to your gut feelings, and every PP here and get out now.