Am i being ridiculous

[Brightonpierrot]

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

I would expect him to message her in front of me that he was not interested and she should leave him alone!

Did he tell you that she had started liking his posts, or did you see first?

I saw it. I asked him to block her but he says he doesn't know how and it doesn't matter because he wants nothing to do with her and is ignoring her until she gives up.
He asked me if i trusted him and i said no of course not and now he’s v pissed off.

I’ve been dreading her coming back. I really can’t go through all that again. I felt like i was having a breakdown.

He is loving the ego boost and isn’t done with her. He is still enjoying the hold she has

Sorry OP.
Blocking someone on Instagram is really easy and if he didn't know how to do it a quick Google would tell him how.

So I’m not ridiculous to be upset? He says it’s me that’s causing trouble by getting upset, not her for just randomly liking his instagram. I know this is bullshit.
I said i thought she was softening him up ready to contact him properly but he says it’s all in my head and i should trust him and not go looking to get offended.

So he can use Instagram (isn't that for kids anyway lol), but he can't manage to Google how to block someone on it? He's talking bollocks. Forward him this link and now his pathetic excuse evaporates. Wonder what he'll come up with next?

help.instagram.com/426700567389543

He doesn't want to block her because that would send a clear signal.
He doesn't want to do that.

He has no right to tell you that you should just be a good girl and believe whatever he says.

So he seriously betrayed your trust but you are one in the wrong?

OP - of course any interaction on her side would trigger you. And he should understand that.
I think what happened is that you got triggered and lashed out. And he got defensive. Both quite natural reactions.

I am hoping you are starting to rebuild some trust in him, though. Because if you still completely don’t trust him the there is no hope for you two. No relationship can survive in a constant guilt/surveillance situation.

He is bloody lucky you gave him another chance OP and should be reminded of that.

I would be telling him to block her out of respect to you and that wouldn’t be an option! Utterly outrageous that he puts himself first yet again.

Oh i am so upset about this. Why would he spend all this time trying to make it ok with me? Assuring me it was over and done with. He calls the affair “a wobble” and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And then he claims her liking his stuff is just ‘weird’ and ‘bemusing’ and says ‘she can like all she wants I’m not going back to her’. But it just smells wrong to me. How does she even feel it’s remotely ok to do it?

Definitely not ok and wowzers that woman must have no shame. He should be putting a big bold stop to that game.

Thank you for answering me. I feel like I’m going mad. The OW knows the affair had a terrible effect. I was in an awful state for ages - antidepressants, valium, v depressed. I feel like him not immediately blocking her of his own accord is minimising my distress. And i don’t trust why she feels it’s ok to do this.
He has been trying v hard to make things alright with me. That's why i dont understand why he thinks this isnt a serious thing.

Does this woman have a partner ?

She's a cheeky mare and clearly doesn't feel threatened by you, he should be protecting you against this hurt.

Do they still work together.?

She is married yes. She and her husband both used to work with my husband. They don’t any more but are in the same (small) industry.
That’s it @Onthedunes i don’t feel protected.

You sound distraught and rightly so, it must have been so hard seeing that he was devastated over the break up with her.

Did it end because her husband found out?

She doesn't feel that it is ok op. She really doesn't care. Your husband is enjoying the attention. You have two choices.

1. you can stand/sit next to him while he messages and tells her that he is grateful that you gave him another chance and you are moving on together. She needs to leave him alone and let him do so. No more contact at all. Or
2. you need to tell him that if there is any contact at all he needs to leave. There are no more chances. However if you go with No 2 you must be prepared to follow it through and not change your mind. Good luck 💐

What shall I do? Now he’s just angry and says I’m awful for not trusting him.
I am upset because they used instagram to communicate during their affair. I didnt realise their likes and comments meant anything except friendship because she was also pretending to be friends with me and he assured me that there was nothing in it.
When she left him she said to him that she had to concentrate on her own family now, but they would always be secret special friends and hug and kiss if they were down (he actually told me this).
I know it sounds mad but i am worried that she’s decided to revive the secret friensdhip.

I would not trust him again after he cheated on you for over a year

Oh god it all sounds so ridiculous but it has really thrown me.
I think he was very hurt at first that she just went off and never contacted him again (after i told her i knew she had been sleeping with him in my bed). Tonight he said ‘well she's obviously not happy is she’? And i find that awful because he still wants her to be punished for leaving him.
I have put so much effort into getting over this. I can’t take it anymore.

Please don't let him convince you that you are awful.

On the surface, it looks like they are on their old stomping ground, where they flaunted their affair. Of COURSE you'll be upset if they are behaving ( on the surface) the same way they did before.

He should willingly block her.

His seeming derision for her is quite distasteful as well

He said last time "there's nothing in it"
He is now saying the same.
Hence you are naturally assuming similar behaviour.
Surely he can understand this?

@spotcheck i don’t think he has derision for her. I think he resents her for leaving him rather than him doing it.
I have been very stupid to show him i’m upset though as he had now twisted it to him being angry with me for being suspicious and mistrusting and ‘blowing a small thing into all this bother’. I am the bad person now.
To be honest I am so sick of it all.
He says ‘we were planning a lovely future together but you can’t sustain it can you? You have to cause rows”. He won’t accept that she caused the trouble by getting on his gram.
If i thought i could be happy living alone i think i would do it now. Let them have each other.