Page 5 | Am i being ridiculous

Brightonpierrot · 2021-10-05T22:48:06+00:00

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that. He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too. Am I being unreasonable?

SleepingBunnies21 · 06/10/2021 09:12

I'd go and see a good family law/divorce solicitor (with forensic accountant brought in) to see how much you'd get in settlement.
Work out all the financial

You sound like younhaveva good job, that's great.

Look up your friends, try to see them.more regularly.
What could you do to meet more people that appeals to you eg walking/running clubs are quire sociable.

SleepingBunnies21 · 06/10/2021 09:13

I mentioned forensic accountant because he had his own business.

SleepingBunnies21 · 06/10/2021 09:13

Could you move abroad to your kids in the longer term; is that a possibility?

IM0GEN · 06/10/2021 09:15

@Brightonpierrot

Years ago my friend used to say he wished that there were giant adults who would wade into sticky situations and sort them out. I wish i had one now!

There is a giant adult. It’s you, you can sort this out right now.

You have spent years of your life waiting forever him to do the right thing and make you happy . He won’t. Because he only cares about making himself happy and doing what he wants.

You can leave and make yourself happy , start a new life and put yourself first. No more .walking on eggshells.

You have money and friends and family. Soon you will have your health because most of the stress and anxiety you love with is caused by him.

You have everything you need for a happy life.

Be your own giant adult and take charge.

WhoWearsShortShorts · 06/10/2021 09:16

You said that he's been working to rebuild your trust in him. What does that look like? Because this is the first major test and he's failed - she shouldnt have been able to like his posts because she should have already and immediately been blocked as soon as the affair ended.

Apart from anything else if he's a grumpy sulky moany git in your every day life - you could be free of that too. You and your little dog rebuilding yourselves a happier life

DuchessOfDisaster · 06/10/2021 09:17

@Brightonpierrot

So I’m not ridiculous to be upset? He says it’s me that’s causing trouble by getting upset, not her for just randomly liking his instagram. I know this is bullshit. I said i thought she was softening him up ready to contact him properly but he says it’s all in my head and i should trust him and not go looking to get offended.

It's gaslighting bullcrap.

Feelingoktoday · 06/10/2021 09:17

Op I’m really sorry. You have tried so hard to repair your marriage. I’ve been there too. It made me ill. In the end I called it a day. And you know what he went straight to her.

You H should block her. He is minimising your feelings. It’s as though he wants you to end the marriage so that you are the bad guy not him. I get the impression he doesn’t really care and is feeling great as she has returned and making him feel good again. He is behaving like a teen who was dumped but the girlfriend has reached out to him.

I think you really need to think whether you can put up with this behaviour everytime she reached out for him. He is her puppy. At some stage her H will kick her out - then what? Be brave. You are a strong woman. I have made so many new friends - mainly wonderful loyal woman. We have fun. It’s nice just being me and not feeling ill because someone else is flattered by another woman.

mewkins · 06/10/2021 09:20

He knows he can get away with this because he has before. I'm sorry to say that he has even less respect for you once you forgave him the first time. You will be far happier without him even if you can't see it at the moment.

Tiramiwho · 06/10/2021 10:18

Two sentences you wrote made me incandescent on your behalf:
'He was sleeping with her in my Bed'
and the other: When you quoted your husband as saying 'She can 'like' all she wants, I'm not going back to her'
As though she was some ex from long before you met.. not someone he was shagging in your own bed whilst married to you! 😠
Beyond belief. .

Original poster

Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 10:28

Yes his phraseology is not the best!
And they did sleep together in my bed “but only about 6 times” apparently (right).
Its a lot to forgive which makes this latest thing very hard to take.
He’s phoning and texting me with lots of anxious messages. He says hes sorry and hes blocked her.
I’m leaving him to sweat.
Thanks for all the advice. I know i will be ok alone but ive got to process things. Encouraging to hear how happy some of you are post-husbands.

OP posts:

YoBeaches · 06/10/2021 10:30

OP you talk about it having a lot of people in your life, but you also need a reality check on the quality of those people who are in your life. If he is as good as it gets, you're going to be just be fine on your own.

You will have time to do the things you love, to try new things, make new friends. His behaviour is pushing you to the ground, and he will keep doing it. He won't change - he already hasn't changed - he's proven it now.

My mum left my dad after 27 years, lots of cheating, financial abuse. The last 20 years of her life have been rich with doing what she enjoys when she likes, and not putting up with his shit. It was hard for her at first, she felt like she'd failed (catholic) she felt she still Loved him- but she did it and is truly happy.

MydogWillow · 06/10/2021 10:38

Jeez sorry @Brightonpierrot but he has absolutely no regard or respect for you.

He's panicking now his safety net is developing holes. Reality has hit and his cosy lovestruck bubble has burst.

Good for you making him sweat. You hold the cards now.

Do what's best for you. It will take time to process.

Original poster

Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 10:53

Ha ha. He’s just texted me that her latest ‘like’ arrived at the weekend when we were having a particularly lovely day and he was so angry with her because it spoiled the moment and intruded. He said he thought (of her) “wtf are you doing?”. Shame you didnt tell her to eff off I said. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion but i just feel like a blank now.

OP posts:

2Two · 06/10/2021 11:03

So if receiving likes from her makes him so angry, why doesn't he just block her?

Howareyouflower · 06/10/2021 11:23

[quote Brightonpierrot]@spotcheck i don’t think he has derision for her. I think he resents her for leaving him rather than him doing it.
I have been very stupid to show him i’m upset though as he had now twisted it to him being angry with me for being suspicious and mistrusting and ‘blowing a small thing into all this bother’. I am the bad person now.
To be honest I am so sick of it all.
He says ‘we were planning a lovely future together but you can’t sustain it can you? You have to cause rows”. He won’t accept that she caused the trouble by getting on his gram.
If i thought i could be happy living alone i think i would do it now. Let them have each other.[/quote]
No, @Brightonpierrot, she did not cause the problem, he did. His first response to her "likes" should have been "I can't believe that OW is liking my messages. I'm going to block her. I'm so sorry Brighton, are you alright? What can I do to stop you being so upset?"
I've been through worse. My ex phoned me from his car to reassure me that though he was in the town where his ex!! OW lived, he hadn't told her he was working there so she wouldn't ask him to meet her. While I was crying and he was reassuring me, she was listening to the conversation, having just had sex with him. I was scared to death of living alone, and at first it was awful, like a bereavement.
But do you know? In the end I loved it! I loved the freedom. And I loved being independent. I even discovered that you CAN go to theatres, cinemas, beauty spots, pubs, restaurants on your own, and enjoy it.
He is blaming you for being upset at his infidelity. Don't let him get away with it. Leave, or tell him to. Not because she has surfaced but because of his reaction to your upset about it.

FatCatThinCat · 06/10/2021 11:40

@Brightonpierrot

Ha ha. He’s just texted me that her latest ‘like’ arrived at the weekend when we were having a particularly lovely day and he was so angry with her because it spoiled the moment and intruded. He said he thought (of her) “wtf are you doing?”. Shame you didnt tell her to eff off I said. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion but i just feel like a blank now.

It's all about him isn't it. It spoilt the moment for him. He doesn't give a crap about how it would spoil things for you. Same as when they split up, it was all about him and how hurt he was. He told you about it so you'd be his shoulder to cry on, no concern at all about how it'd crush you. And now you need to shut up and shut down your hurt because they don't matter and they're making him feel bad and that has to stop. Bollocks to that shit OP, you deserve better.

JSL52 · 06/10/2021 12:03

@Brightonpierrot

Ha ha. He’s just texted me that her latest ‘like’ arrived at the weekend when we were having a particularly lovely day and he was so angry with her because it spoiled the moment and intruded. He said he thought (of her) “wtf are you doing?”. Shame you didnt tell her to eff off I said. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion but i just feel like a blank now.

Why did he need to tell you that ?

Nightbringer · 06/10/2021 12:04

She wouldn't have intruded if he had blocked her ages ago. Or even not snagged her in the first place.

bigbaggyeyes · 06/10/2021 12:06

Of course you don't trust him, he had a fucking affair! How some people think everything returns back to normal after an affair is beyond me. You don't ever forget this and the relationship is never the same again.

My now exdh had an affair and acted v similar to the op's dh. I stayed for 3 years and simply couldn't get over it. The relief when I finally left him was immense, like a breath of fresh air into my life. I hadn't realised just how much it affected me and my day to day life.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 06/10/2021 12:10

So he can use Instagram (isn't that for kids anyway lol)

No it isn't, HTH

Howareyouflower · 06/10/2021 12:19

@bigbaggyeyes I remember that feeling too. Before I left I think I was obsessed with it all, and it took some time to recover from that , but at the same time the relief was immense. My ex married his OW, but very soon realised that her ex's warnings about her had not just been sour grapes. It was a very unhappy marriage (How could it be anything else?It was built on a foundation of other Peoples' misery)

ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 12:25

@Brightonpierrot

I saw it. I asked him to block her but he says he doesn't know how and it doesn't matter because he wants nothing to do with her and is ignoring her until she gives up. He asked me if i trusted him and i said no of course not and now he’s v pissed off.

"he doesn't know how" chinny chinny reckon ...

IF he didn't know how, he could ask you to show him. Or a 9 year old child maybe.

IF he wanted nothing to do with her, he would want her blocked.

IF he was trustworthy, he wouldn't punish you by being pissed off at the fact that he's already been totally untrustworthy.

He's not deleting her because it gives him a thrill.
He wants to option of contact at some point.
He is not respecting your VERY REASONABLE wish to block this predatory woman, & instead of doing the decent, simple thing & fucking blocking her ... he's making a performance about asking whether you trust him.

He's being a blame-deflecting, sneaky shit about this OP.

Original poster

Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 12:27

Yes @bigbaggyeyes I am 2.5 years post affair revelation and i still feel awful every day and struggle to accept it. It seems a terrible punishment for me who was not at fault actually. I am not surprised you felt so much better after leaving.

OP posts:

WhenPushComesToShove · 06/10/2021 12:29

You are worth more. Look after you. He's a gaslighting pig on borrowed time. Get rid and be happy

ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 12:33

He says it’s me that’s causing trouble by getting upset

Oh Brighton, I am so sorry.
This is classic manipulators/abusers territory. It's called DARVO -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

It is really, really, not unreasonable to wish your DH to block & delete any comms from the woman he had an affair with.
It is totally unreasonable for him to expect you to tolerate him being in any form of contact with the woman he cheated on you with.

Why is he choosing to engage in the power struggle with you over this - if there's nothing in it & you have nothing to worry about, it won't cost him anything to block her, will it?

He's deliberately goading & belittling you.
I'd be asking him why he's arguing about a woman he says he now has not feelings for, & why he cannot accept that due to his previous cheating, he owes you the courtesy & peace of mind he can give you by blocking & deleting.

If he hadn't done so by this evening ... I'd know I was living with a very strange dynamic, where the man who professes to love me is getting a kick out of making me unhappy & taunting me with the looming spectre of his affair partner.
I would not want to continue living with a man who did that.