Am i being ridiculous

[Brightonpierrot]

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

“But do you really want to stick it out just to be a minor obstacle to them fucking?”

“What about your relief to not be treated like crap? To have the opportunity to heal and move on, to find someone you can trust who puts you first? To let go of a man who cheats on you and shouts you down?”

This with bells on. Let them crack on. Build a life for you. Your H clearly doesn’t give a enough of a shit to look after you here.

My mum married at 18. She left my dad after 30+ years of marriage because of his affairs. It was very difficult for a couple of years but she moved close to my sister and me and began an exciting new life. After some time, she met the love of her life and had a very happy second chapter to her life. But even before him, she became much happier because she was no longer contending with my dad’s affairs.

This wasn’t a drunken one night stand. Your H spent a year betraying you including fucking her in your bed and would doubtless have continued if she hadn’t dumped him. It would have taken many more years before you could trust him if the trust ever returned. But he’s shown he doesn’t love you enough to send her away with a flea in her ear.

That life has gone lovely

It's your time now , I get it
Scary , you feel alone
Do you know how many people there are in this world you haven't met yet
You are still working so I presume have contact with others ? You have grown children , would you consider a house move to be closer to either work/ family / new social life
So many opportunities for you to start new hobbies , join groups , volunteer somewhere once a week?

The alternative is to go back to scratch and try to build that trust again
What do you think ?

Hi OP this is mn the chorus of LTB will inevitably follow on a post like this and you’ve been up all night thinking and rethinking everything.

What has the relationship been like generally since you decided to forgive and move on? Have you been happy?

If you decide to leave you are not doing it to ‘derail your future’ he is derailing that by minimising your feelings in all of this.

If you want it to work, in a moment of calm you have to explain that you are always going to have a trigger point where that woman is concerned and he has to accept that as part of the ongoing marriage and then help him to either improve the privacy settings on his Instagram and/or block her. My DH wouldn’t know how to do this either and the thought of doing it would stress him.

It is unreasonable of him to expect you to be ok with her being on the periphery after she almost destroyed your marriage.

If he still won’t listen that is another story and you will need to make some decisions.

“But I am worried about the lack of people round me.”

Yes and that is making you cling to him when you would feel much better (in time) if you let him go. But as PP have said, you can rebuild existing friendships and make new friends. In time, you will feel a hell of a lot better about yourself away from this marriage and will find it easier to make friends.

He’s done a right job on you hasn’t he the fucker? You can trust someone who has never earned the trust.

The only thing you can do is what is in your power, remove the emotion and the “she’ll have him they’ve won” bollocks (he isn’t a prize and she’d leave him again anyway). What is left?

You and your actions and your happiness.

You can rebuild friends. I’m off to the lakes next week to go walking with a group from outdoor friends on Facebook, never met them, they seem fun. I have another party with likeminded adults the week after I met on the last organised adventure holiday I went on, and have been out with individuals I met there in London and Birmingham.

I’ve got a few new horse riding mates and I’ve started a new job.

ALL within your grasp, you would be free, you and your pup, you could move near your kids, you could build a life on the things you enjoy. What do you enjoy? And mostly you could be all of who you are not a shadow pleading for the attention of a man who does not deserve you and will make you a wreck for life.

Throw his shit out while he’s away, change the locks and call a solicitor.

No OP .... don't fall for it ... he wants #round2 with her.

As PP have said blocking is very easy to do but no he doesn't want to do that does he?!

LTB. He is still taking you for a fool.

@Brightonpierrot

If i leave wont they just both be relieved (sorry if im being stupid i’ve been awake all night)?

OP...Do you hear how that sounds? That's no reason to stay, love.

This should not be happening. He should have blocked her right away, even without you ever noticing or having the slightest chance to get upset. Because YOU should come first. He should be shitting himself scared that he hurt you and being angry about this woman is winding you up yet again. He should be protecting you and not running around making it look like it's all in your head and you are overreacting. You deserve so much better OP.

He doesn't want to block her. That sadly is the bottom line.

Why would you trust him, when he deceived for a year with another women.

And now she is in touch again, via the same method they used to communicate!!

I would message her yourself ask he what's shes playing at, I would tell her husband AND I would make sure he blocked her on everything.

If he didn't or was reluctant to, then it would be over, start divorce proceedings.

He is disgusting to get angry at you, who the fuxk does he think he is?

If he doesn’t even know that the only right thing to do here is block her then you have all the information you need to make your next move in life…leave him. He didn’t put you first and he seems to be continuing that trend it seems.

@Brightonpierrot

If i leave wont they just both be relieved (sorry if im being stupid i’ve been awake all night)?

Chances are, she'll be horrified and run like fuck.

Because she dumped him and chose to stay with her husband, didn’t she? And has had multiple affairs?

She doesn't want him, she just wants the ego trip and extra curricular shag - if you took yourself out of the equation, it's quite likely she'd shit a brick and disappear.

There are worse things than being on your own. Living with someone you can't trust is one of them.

Even if you did split and they ran off into the sunset together, she got fed up of him before and she would again.

Like another poster said, once an affair is out in the open it often loses it's excitement.

Im so very sorry you are going through this but I really think you could use this as an opportunity to put yourself first and change your life. Who knows what life could bring you if you could yourself free from him.

He doesn't deserve you that's for sure

You're not ridiculous at all. In this situation I would say he needs to block her, because he's admitted he doesn't want to hear from her, and she's caused (or at least the situation with her has caused) major issues in your relationship - so there is no reason whatsoever why she has to have access to what he's posting on socials.

From a mans perspective:

If he wants you back/have a future together , he has to earn your trust and respect again, by doing whatever it takes, e.g. blocking her

You are not ridiculous to be upset. You are not weak. You arenot the one causing the problem, he is . This is no way to live. The trust is gone and rather than try and build it back up he is deflecting blame.

It would be reasonable if you decided to stay not to "harp on" about the affair BUT here you have cause.

He's pretending OW irritates him but I read his she's not happy as him waiting for her. I don't mean to be cruel but he's lied to you before and his actions now (not blocking her) scream louder than words.

Don't be afraid. Hold your head up. Have some self respect. Kick him out.

This line stood out to me in one of your posts

He said “you know what? If you don’t want to find out anything that upsets you, don’t go looking. You have to just trust the other person”.

I think the bottom line is you don't trust him, with good reason. What do you want from your life op? Do you always want to be wondering is he lying to me? I think you have some serious thinking to do. Don't worry about him and his feelings as he certainly isn't worried about yours.

@Brightonpierrot

If i leave wont they just both be relieved (sorry if im being stupid i’ve been awake all night)?

She sounds like she won't leave her husband. I'd leave , this is no way to live.

He said “you know what? If you don’t want to find out anything that upsets you, don’t go looking. You have to just trust the other person”

The obvious answer to that is that if you want to be trusted having already betrayed your spouse, you have to act in a trustworthy manner. Which includes blocking this woman whenever she tries to make contact.

Leave him. There’s a better life out there for you @Brightonpierrot. You need to think of yourself as the one with the upper hand, reframe the narrative. You can have your freedom, meet Mrs people, find a new and better partner who values you. Leave him to his sordid little fling. She won’t leave her husband and he knows it. But you can have something more than either of these immoral fuckwits.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

You can't live like this.

It sounds as though he is delighted that she's back in touch after dumping him. If you finish with him I'm sure the affair will continue but she won't leave her husband. I couldn't put myself through that. All he has to do is block her and he won't do it. That has to be because he wants the contact.

Would you like to live near your children?

My marriage broke down 6 months after moving 2 hours away from my friends and family. The slight acquaintances I had made in my new town became close and intimate friends who supported me and helped me when everything was hideously dark and terrifying. Two years on and the friendships have changed again, some are still close, some have receded, but what matters is that they were there when I needed because they could see I needed them. Women are wonderful at holding each other, even when we don't know each other. Take the leap, find a class or a walking group or a volunteer group and then, if you need them, I am sure they will be there for you.

However....
Some of this you will have to do on your own, because it's your life. Think about this, though, aren't you alone already, just alone in a marriage. Can it really be worse than the situation you're in currently? If you were able to leave, wouldn't there at least be some positives like a sense of relief, or hope, or pride in yourself?

Thank you all. My children are not in the uk unfortunately and neither are whats left of my family.
I cant really move away from my job at the moment as I am just starting a huge 15 month project. And my job keeps me sane tbh.
I could move to the city where my job is but i dont know many people there really. But thats an option.
Do people really think she wont leave her husband. My therapist kept saying ‘she’s gone she’s not coming back’. But now she has of course.
I just had a thought while out walking the dog ‘if he is such an instagram innocent and doesnt know about settings etc how would he know that i can’t see her posts. How would he even think i woudnt have seen her the first time she popped up unless she told him she has blocked me and it means i cant see her? This just gets worse the more i think about it.

He did keep saying “who told you? Who has been stirring this? Have you hacked my phone?”
As if!

OP, he didn’t end the affair at all.
She did - she dumped him.
To him, it’s unfinished business. He’s delighted to have the ego boost of her being back in touch.
His irritation with you speaks volumes - he wants you to shut up and not ask awkward questions, while he re-establishes the affair, either emotionally online, or eventually and inevitably in real life.
A genuinely repentant husband would do whatever you needed to regain trust. He would block the OW without question, and make every effort to woo you back, being especially considerate and loving, and being willing to absorb all your justified anger at the betrayal, without trying to defend himself or twist the blame onto you.
He shows no sign of any of that. He is not sorry for the affair. He is only sorry he was found out.
I agree with all the PPs who are telling you not to do the “pick me dance”. Just LTB.
You deserve so much better than being the housekeeper for a man who doesn’t love you or respect you.

@notthemum

She doesn't feel that it is ok op. She really doesn't care. Your husband is enjoying the attention. You have two choices. 1) you can stand/sit next to him while he messages and tells her that he is grateful that you gave him another chance and you are moving on together. She needs to leave him alone and let him do so. No more contact at all. Or 2) you need to tell him that if there is any contact at all he needs to leave. There are no more chances. However if you go with No 2 you must be prepared to follow it through and not change your mind. Good luck 💐

This. He’s not messaging her and then blocking her because he’s still hoping they can get back together.

OP, this is awful.

He's minimising your feelings and gaslightling you. These are not the actions of someone who is trying to make it work.

He isn't over her. Had she not left him he would still be with her. She's sniffing around and he'll have forgiven her. He'll want to try again. With her.

And btw a year's affair is not a wobble. It's a freaking earthquake. He minimised it even then. How dare he?!

I'm so sorry @Brightonpierrot but you are second best.

You are better off without him. I was going to say alone but you won't be alone.

You'll be free of his disrespect and bullying tactics. You'll be free of worry. You'll be free to be the whole person you deserve to be, not a shell of a woman who is crushed time and time again with doubts. Valid doubts.

Raise your bar @Brightonpierrot and create a fabulous life for yourself. It truly is out there.

The saying "What if I fall? Ah, but what if you fly?" seems appropriate right now

Good luck