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Original poster

Am i being ridiculous

214 replies

Brightonpierrot · 05/10/2021 23:48

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 01:30

Yes @frozendaisy you would think he could see that repeating the offending behaviour causes trauma, but if i try and point that out he just shouts over me until i give up.
He used to say about her ‘we are just very good friends and she’s such a help at work’ god knows what that is a euphemism for.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 01:35

He's not going to listen love, he's ignoring and denying your feelings.

Don't allow him to gaslight you.

You are hurt, upset and frightened about this situation.

I think his chances are up, you deserve much better, you always did.
He is not reassuring you at all and that can be just as hurtful as the affair, you cannot re build trust like this.

This woman could be in the background of his life for years, waiting to pop up whenever she goes through a crap period with her husband, it's no way to live.

Divorce him and let her husband know if he doesn't already.

spotcheck · 06/10/2021 01:38

It is absolutely up to him to put boundaries in, and he isn't.
Your posts seem to suggest he's putting her down? No reason for it unless he still had some sort of feelings

Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 01:40

He just shouts over me...

He is abusive Brighton.
That's what abusive men do, silence your voice.

He knows exactly what he is doing, bullying you into submission.

You won't be able to reason with him or obtain the truth.

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2021 01:42

I’d trust you if you had clicked that button and blocked her. You’re not being trustworthy.

I’d be so done with his attitude over this. You can’t fix a relationship on your own and you can’t fix a man who wants to have his cake and eat it and thinks his wife should just shut up about expecting some respect.

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 01:42

@Onthedunes her husband knows. I told him. According to mutual friends her husband turns a blind eye to her affairs. She’s done it before apparently (my husband won’t believe this).
I feel you are right though. I feel like i just cant take any more. Even if he blocks her now it will be because i have made him.
It would be hard to be alone though i have been married for over 30 years.

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Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 01:48

this.

This woman could be in the background of his life for years, waiting to pop up whenever she goes through a crap period with her husband, it's no way to live @Onthedunes do you think this is why she’s contacting him? Fishing?

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Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 01:54

It sounds as though she likes the buzz of clicking her fingers and men come running.

Not a nice woman but ultimately your husband should have never got involved with her.

Do your family know what happened?

samwitwicky · 06/10/2021 02:41

@Brightonpierrot

I saw it. I asked him to block her but he says he doesn't know how and it doesn't matter because he wants nothing to do with her and is ignoring her until she gives up. He asked me if i trusted him and i said no of course not and now he’s v pissed off.

Doesn't know how = I don't want to

samwitwicky · 06/10/2021 02:46

He won’t accept that she caused the trouble by getting on his gram.

No, he caused the trouble by not instantly blocking her.

This guy is gaslighting you. Making you think it's all your fault. Accusing you of not trusting him.

Well of course you bloody well don't! He had a bloody affair! And now he's refusing to show you he means all he said about wanting to be with you because he 'doesn't know how' to block her.

It's BS.

He wants the attention from her and doesn't seem to care how this affects you.

Your move.

Selttan · 06/10/2021 03:04

Can I suggest you check out the surviving infidelity forum.

One of the most important things recommended to heal from an affair is for zero contact with the affair partner - and that includes blocking them on all social media.

It's telling that he didn't tell you about her liking the posts you had to see for yourself.

Its often said it takes at least 5 years to heal from an affair and honesty and transparency are key to this.

StarCourt · 06/10/2021 03:05

Op being on your own is worth it for the peace it can bring you

FlowerArranger · 06/10/2021 03:30

@StarCourt

Op being on your own is worth it for the peace it can bring you
Amen
Milliepossum · 06/10/2021 03:46

OP I don’t think he cares about you. He only stayed with you because she dumped him. Now he’s basically welcoming her back, while tormenting you and shouting you down. You don’t need this stress or to live like this. Imagine never having to feel anxious about having the rug pulled out from under you. He’s just awful, and having sex with her in your bed too, that’s an especially cruel thing to do.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 06/10/2021 03:58

He says it’s me that’s causing trouble by getting upset, not her for just randomly liking his instagram

Actually, it is him.

He could have blocked her. He didn't.
He could have not had an affair. He did.

Suzi888 · 06/10/2021 04:13

Of course he should block her, that should have happened from the end of the affair and the choice to save his marriage.
He sounds horrible, so does ow.

You deserve so much better.

sofato5miles · 06/10/2021 04:17

What am i reading? How entitled is this arse of a man. No and again no.

He can block her. He doesn't care if youbsaw and the pain and panic that would bring.

Release yourself from this selfish, self-indulgent twat

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 04:21

God i cant sleep and ive got a lot of work tomorrow. All the affair anxiety has come back.
I dont think he cares about me either. He said “you know what? If you don’t want to find out anything that upsets you, don’t go looking. You have to just trust the other person”.
I wish i could get the strength to react properly to this. I just feel totally ground down.
I have no-one apart from him. Our children are grown up and live miles away. Most of my family are dead. I hardly see my friends anymore. All i have is my job and my little dog (and lots of self pity it seems!)

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 06/10/2021 04:23

OP I think you might find being in your own quite liberating. This marriage is costing you an awful lot, and he isn't putting much into it at all. He can't even see the issue of being in contact of any form is not appropriate and will put you both on a Rocky patch again.

In your shoes, I would leave him. He's shown you who he is.

Milliepossum · 06/10/2021 04:38

If you could get away from him and have calm and your own headspace you will have more energy to catch up with your children, friends and do things for yourself. At the moment he has your thoughts all jumbled up with the gaslighting and other forms of abuse you can’t recognise. You weren’t ready to go last time but now you have evidence he doesn’t care about you and he doesn’t respect you. You can get your freedom with a clear conscience knowing you’ve tried but staying is unhealthy for you. 🌸

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 04:39

Of course he should block her, that should have happened from the end of the affair and the choice to save his marriage
@Suzi888 after the affair he just stopped using instagram. He’s not very tech savvy and thought if you just deleted the app all the info would disappear. In march 2020 he revived his account but she has not popped up until now.
I cant stand the idea that shes there along with our mutual friends and our children who follow him.
He said it’s nothing. She started liking stuff a few weeks ago and he’s irritated by it and he didn't tell me because he knew i would ‘go right over the top’ like i have.
I believe that he didnt know and couldnt be bothered to find out how to block someone but i also believe that he must be flattered and intrigued by it.
I cant seem to work out how best to come out of this. If i leave he can go off with her and she will have a lot of what i’ve earned over the years plus a place in my family near my children. It seems to be giving her a lot of power.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 06/10/2021 04:44

@Brightonpierrot

Thank you for answering me. I feel like I’m going mad. The OW knows the affair had a terrible effect. I was in an awful state for ages - antidepressants, valium, v depressed. I feel like him not immediately blocking her of his own accord is minimising my distress. And i don’t trust why she feels it’s ok to do this. He has been trying v hard to make things alright with me. That's why i dont understand why he thinks this isnt a serious thing.
He's not trying hard enough. He should have blocked her straight away after the first time she liked a post. He cheated, none of this is on you, he should be eger to help you feel safe and loved not gaslighting you that contact with the OW is ok.
Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 04:49

Years ago my friend used to say he wished that there were giant adults who would wade into sticky situations and sort them out. I wish i had one now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 04:50

I want to do the best thing but i just feel so weak and like i cant cope with telling him ive had enough and then dealing with the aftermath.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 04:52

Is not blocking her and not telling me about this a form of cheating again?

OP posts: