Am i being ridiculous

[Brightonpierrot]

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP, he had sex with the OW in your bed.

That is disgusting behaviour. He invited her to your house, took her to your joint bed and had sex. If my teenager used my bed for sex I would explode. But the one orson who should love you did this. Please remind yourself of this when he starts crying and gaslighting you.

You are strong. You will be fine. You are better than him.

He’s panicking now. He’s managed to block her (!), says he’s so upset that i am upset. I just said i can’t deal with it or her ever again and I’m just going to bow out and let them get on with it. I just don’t want her near my children (even tho they are adults). Now he’s saying he never intended this to happen and he wants to be with me not her.

I’m really sorry OP. It must be so hard when you have tried.

@Brightonpierrot

Oh i am so upset about this. Why would he spend all this time trying to make it ok with me? Assuring me it was over and done with. He calls the affair “a wobble” and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And then he claims her liking his stuff is just ‘weird’ and ‘bemusing’ and says ‘she can like all she wants I’m not going back to her’. But it just smells wrong to me. How does she even feel it’s remotely ok to do it?

It's 'weird' and 'bemusing' that he didn't block her (in all platforms) when the affair ended and he decided he wanted to work on his marriage

@MMmomDD

OP - of course any interaction on her side would trigger you. And he should understand that. I think what happened is that you got triggered and lashed out. And he got defensive. Both quite natural reactions.

I am hoping you are starting to rebuild some trust in him, though. Because if you still completely don’t trust him the there is no hope for you two. No relationship can survive in a constant guilt/surveillance situation.

FFS.

Of COURSE she's rebuilding trust.
Her previously cheating husband is making a power game out of refusing to block the woman he had an affair with.
What actions could more loudly speak "trust me"?!

No relationship can survive in a constant guilt/surveillance situation.
ODFOD with your victim-blaming.
Maybe this relationship shouldn't have survived.
Maybe her DH is irreparably guilty. He's certainly not doing a single thing to reassure & comfort his wife, is he?

I have put so much effort into getting over this. I can’t take it anymore.

& how has he matched your effort?
I cannot believe he has the temerity to gloat about her to you.

Now he’s just angry and says I’m awful for not trusting him.

He's punishing you & telling you to toe his line.
Why would you trust him?
He cheated physically, & now he's damaging you emotionally - it's all quite deliberate. He's being an absolute fucker to you.

Why don't you just say to him - once "How hard is it to delete & block the woman you cheated on me with?"
& decide that if he doesn't ... you are done?
You can't live with this over your head, you say it nearly destroyed you last time.

Please read the excellent Chump Lady - she has cheaters nailed, & knows the depressingly familiar 'Script' they use inside-out -
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Why was she not blocked 2 years ago !

Or better yet get off Instagram it's for teenagers 😂 (obviously not but you get my point)

He likes the ego boost

Allowing this woman to be able to contact him even as something as simple a liking a photo is leaving the GATEWAY open for her to come back into his life !

Why is she chasing him again, she lacks any class

You are a strong person for not ending it but to be honest they seeee be eachother

• they deserve eachother that should say

I've just read right through and feel so bad for you OP.

Not sure what I've missed tho, how has he gone from blaming you for causing this by being upset to panicking and constantly messaging/texting.

He doesn't seem consistent at all which would make me wonder what's been going on!

He says ‘we were planning a lovely future together but you can’t sustain it can you? You have to cause rows”. He won’t accept that she caused the trouble by getting on his gram.

Sweetheart, she hasn't caused all the trouble.
He did, when he has a year-long affair, & now when he not only refuses to block the woman he CHEATED on you with, & doubled down by manufacturing 'anger', so that he can blame you for your totally normal response to his cruelty.

He probably is still angry & smarting that she left him & ghosted. He's transferring that onto you. It's totally unfair, mean-minded & controlling.

he just shouts over me until i give up
I am so sorry, that is downright abuse.
He is bullying you into accepting his bullshit position that he's doing nothing wrong by keeping this woman on his gram, & all the fault lies with you.
It's damn near gaslighting, & if you continue to (rightly) protest, he will escalate.
How can he fail to see how hurtful & wrong it is not to take the simple step of blocking?
(He does see it - he just doesn't want to comply, & it's easier for him to disregard & hurt you than give up his tiny frisson of illicit hope.)

If i thought i could be happy living alone i think i would do it now. Let them have each other.
Living alone is far, far, happier than being manipulated, lied to, goaded about an affair partner, bullied & shouted at.

Do NOT let him pull this bollocks. As easily as he says 'you need to trust me' you can say 'prove I can trust you and block her'. He did wrong so you win. You are NOT overreacting.

Lying liar from Liarville trying the ol' "I don't know how to block on IG despite it being the simplest thing ever."

After what he did the absolute MINIMUM he could do is fully cut her out and remove her access to him. If he doesn't want to - which is what this is about - it's because he likes it. End of. If the situation were reversed he'd hate it.

But also, the reason this sucks is because you do NOT trust him, so telling you you should is ridiculous. You were fooled before, you feel vulnerable to being fooled again. Any genuine person truly wanting your relationship to succeed would do everything in their power to wrap you in a cocoon of emotional safety, not test YOUR trust when THEY cheated.

I have never said this before on MN, but he either blocks her, messages her in front of you telling her to leave him alone, or you need to LTB. This shouldn't even be awkward for him if he's committed to you. D*ck.

@Brightonpierrot

Ha ha. He’s just texted me that her latest ‘like’ arrived at the weekend when we were having a particularly lovely day and he was so angry with her because it spoiled the moment and intruded. He said he thought (of her) “wtf are you doing?”. Shame you didnt tell her to eff off I said. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion but i just feel like a blank now.

Oh for Dog's sake he is so transparent.

He just happened to 'remember' this incident, & how angry he was about the Bad Woman Whose Fault It All Is, at the same time he's panicking because you are not responding in the way he's training you to?

You probably are emotionally exhausted - & blank is normal, don't worry about it - it's a temporary safety valve. Your emotions are likely to seesaw all over the place for a while. I think you would do well to keep focus on the busy work project to keep you engaged in the practical 'now' ... but also put aside some specific "me-time" for retreat, self-care, letting your emotions settle, & starting to visualise what your life might look like if you made some radical changes to it.

Can you take yourself away for a short break at the weekend?
Do something lovely for yourself, like a hotel with a pool or lovely grounds ... take the DDog, & have some time just for yourself?
Being able to process this without him mithering, bullying, & bullshitting you is important. Imagine the relief of a couple of days just to yourself, not having to doubt yourself or get shouted at ...

I am 2.5 years post affair revelation and i still feel awful every day and struggle to accept it.

And how can you accept it, when the perpetrator of your misery not only refuses to take responsibility, but actively plays mindgames & goads you about her contact when his OW resurfaces?

2.5 years is a loooooong time to be struggling with this level of hurt & betrayal. Many, many of the PP here have been there - & we know that the healing started properly when we decided to leave.

I think you also mentioned depression/anxiety ...? Mental health also improves, once you remove the toxic cause.

You have a good job, the freedom to live anywhere you choose, & the opportunity to shape a new life at the speed you yourself decide. You don't need to make hard & fast decisions now - but you do need some time alone, some space to think, & more importantly, feel. To deal with the grief, to get enough room to think clearly, & eventually ... to start dreaming about the places you will visit, the friends out there for your & DDog to meet, the tranquillity you can enjoy as you pursue your own interests & adventures ...

One step at a time Brighton.
Big decisions will come to you in their own time.
Right now - book yourself a room or a cabin somewhere, just for you, maybe DDog too, to do something nice & take yourself away from all the tension & anxiety in your own home.
You deserve consideration & care, & as your DH isn't giving that to you, please take it for yourself xx

@Brightonpierrot

He’s panicking now. He’s managed to block her (!), says he’s so upset that i am upset. I just said i can’t deal with it or her ever again and I’m just going to bow out and let them get on with it. I just don’t want her near my children (even tho they are adults). Now he’s saying he never intended this to happen and he wants to be with me not her.

Again, it's not about how upset you are. He's panicking because he thinks his plan B might not want to be plan B anymore and he doesn't have a plan C. He's upset for himself.

@Brightonpierrot

He’s panicking now. He’s managed to block her (!), says he’s so upset that i am upset. I just said i can’t deal with it or her ever again and I’m just going to bow out and let them get on with it. I just don’t want her near my children (even tho they are adults). Now he’s saying he never intended this to happen and he wants to be with me not her.

Managed to block her? Takes 30 seconds to Google and do this.

Its not a difficult job that people who struggle to do, without some sort of cognitive issue.

And he managed now you have said you will bow out. But yesterday was shouting you down and blaming you?

But today its definitely you he wants? But treats you like this?

@Coyoacan

So he seriously betrayed your trust but you are one in the wrong?

This ^ wot @Coyoacan said

“you know what? If you don’t want to find out anything that upsets you, don’t go looking. You have to just trust the other person”.

I'd agree with him ... up to the point he has an affaire. Then, he really doesn't get to make the rules any more.

What is your situation OP. Do you have support in real life? Could you get away from him for some time?

So she's in the wrong for liking his posts on a platform he chose to remain 'friends' with her on.

You're in the wrong for noticing and (quite rightly ) being annoyed.

You're in the wrong for not fully trusting him after he spent a year cheating.

He's the poor innocent victim. Poor poor man, really feel for him.

He's so non-tech savvy that he can't Google how to block someone....even tho he used the app for 12 months to conduct an affair. He was upset when she contacted him, enough for it to ruin his day with you but not enough to want to block her. Then when he sets his mind to it (I.e. he gets caught out) he actually manages to Block her within a matter of minutes

Just wanted to give you a big hug. I can feel how you have been triggered. If you choose to stay this triggering will continue for years and years. 7 years after I discovered about mine I still get triggered by little things. Its not as much now but its like they give us this life sentence for something we didn't do. I haven't been with my ex for years and years now and once removed from this toxic situation my life slowly improved. I would never, ever go back to him again. Try and take some time out and consider building new friendships and support outside your marriage. I can see it might be a bit tricky to up sticks and LTB but ultimately its either stay and be in this life sentence or remove yourself eventually and live your life free of looking over your shoulder and wondering where she will pop up again.

@Brightonpierrot

Is not blocking her and not telling me about this a form of cheating again?

Why can't he see this from your perspective for one minute?

Why can't he feel so remorseful that the moment you suggest blocking her he unequivocally agrees with you and springs into action that will not just send a message to her, but to you also?

Why can't he draw a line under the past and leave this other woman there where she belongs?

Why can't he see that the way he is treating you and speaking to you is appalling given that he if the one that had the affair?

Why is he taking advantage of the fact that he knows you are clinging on to him and will not walk away at this point?

Hi,
I dont think i’m clinging on to him. I was just trying to get over the affair.
He doesnt know what i will do.

If you are to stay with a cheating spouse and move forward then i'm sorry its there job to make you feel safe and secure in that relationship moving forward. That means the very first like he got he should have told you straight away, and said lets figure out how to block her. Then he should have assured you were ok. He response is one of complete disregard....it doesn't matter what he thinks about it or how he thinks you 'should' feel about it. In having an affair and betraying you he showed disregard for you and your feelings in recovering from that he has to out your feelings first .... he hasn't therefore i'd also tell him to do one!!!!

@Brightonpierrot

He’s panicking now. He’s managed to block her (!), says he’s so upset that i am upset. I just said i can’t deal with it or her ever again and I’m just going to bow out and let them get on with it. I just don’t want her near my children (even tho they are adults). Now he’s saying he never intended this to happen and he wants to be with me not her.

Why didn't he say that in the first place before making you lose a whole nights sleep and getting on at you like you were the issue. Biggest LTB.

I had a partner who had had an affair before we got together, so he essentially hadn’t cheated on me. However after we got together he continued to have conversations with this woman, go out with her for coffee, etc etc and claimed it was because he thought they could now be friends as he was happy with me.

He also got defensive when I brought it up.

Anyway one day he’d gone out for a coffee with her and I just had enough. i messaged her first and congratulated her on their relationship. I then told him that clearly he was still in love with her and I wished them well.

And then I messaged her partner and told him I’d given them my blessing.

Partner had actually just wanted to be friends with this woman. He never in a million years thought that he would lose me and questioned why I didn’t fight for him. I told him that if he genuinely had any respect for me he wouldn’t ever have considered staying friends with her, but he did so as far as I was concerned he’d made his choice.

Her partner actually bided his time and waited until the day she arrived at his to start their new life together. She’d quit her job and was moving to another country to be with him. On the day she arrived he told her that it was over and that he never wanted to see her again.

And they both ended up on their own because they hadn’t actually wanted to be together.

people like your DH are playing a dangerous game here. He can’t just decide that he wants contact with whoever he wants and that no-one else can object to that. When you’ve betrayed someone it doesn’t work like that.

TBH I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum at this stage. I would just tell him that it’s very clear where he wants to be so whether she wants him there is none of your concern.