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Original poster

Am i being ridiculous

214 replies

Brightonpierrot · 05/10/2021 23:48

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 06/10/2021 04:55

You're not "going right over the top". He has some fucking nerve.
He's proven himself a deceitful liar, so of course you don't trust this flimsy story he's fobbing you off with.
He's minimising, deflecting and generally trying to turn everything round so that you're unreasonable, obsessed, crazy etc. Tale as old as time, I'm afraid.
I completely get that you're panicking at the thought of being single after 30 yrs. Massive change. Especially when it's never what you envisaged.
But the alternative is living with a lying, gaslighting cheat and being disrespected, triggered and hurt. After giving him all those years where I bet YOU were faithful.
I'd really give serious thought to divorcing him. It sounds scary but in all honesty it could be the start of a calm, peaceful life where you can breathe and no longer have to give a moment's thought to what crap he might be getting up to.
Imagine the weight off your shoulders. He doesn't deserve your love and forgiveness. He can't even acknowledge your pain.

Milliepossum · 06/10/2021 04:56

I think it might be what they call triangulation, to make you dance harder to keep him by keeping you on edge that he can leave you for her at anytime, while getting you to ignore your own needs. Extremely cruel. Make no mistake, he’s enjoying himself at your expense.

ArranMumma · 06/10/2021 04:59

Why on earth does he still have her on Instagram!? That’s just bizarre!

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 05:07

@ArranMumma he has a pubic account so i guess anyone he hasn’t blocked can comment on or like his posts. He says he doesn't want it to be private. Her account is private and she unfriended him after the affair so he cant look at her stuff. Honestly this all sounds so juvenile doesnt it, but i am majorly upset by it. I can’t get over that she thought it was ok to do it and that he didnt immediately drop her like a hot potato.

OP posts:
ArranMumma · 06/10/2021 05:13

I see. He should block her - if he doesn’t then he’s putting her before you :(

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 05:15

Maybe he should block me from his pathetic account and then they can get in with it in peace.

OP posts:
Nightbringer · 06/10/2021 05:23

Op of course you don't trust him.

He cheated for over a year and chosevto sort it out with you because she dumped him.

Instead of accepting the responsibility for the consequences of his affair he is blaming you. Of course he could block her. He doesn't want to.

Maybe it's because he wants her to see him 'living his best life' and see what's she is missing. Loads of people do that with exs. Or he is wanting to see if she contacts him so he can get his own back and turn her down. Or they will end up in touch and back to the affair.

All of these reasons mean he isn't over her and the affair.

I am trying to word this without upsetting you, but its difficult. Do you really think he would have tried again with you if she had said 'let's leave our spouses and start our life together?'. Because I don't think he would. I think he stayed with you because she didn't want him.

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 05:40

@Nightbringer thank you for trying to spare my feelings. It’s ok you are only saying what i have thought many times. I really do think he would have left me if she was willing.i’m not sure it would have lasted when she got exposed to the version of him i’m sure he concealed from her (bad temper, morose, constant moaning about his bad knees etc). Also, he had his own business at the time and lots of money (he’s retired from that now but still working just with less ready cash).
I don’t think our kids would have accepted her willingly and her husband (altho he turns a blind eye) seems keen to keep her. She told my husband that she despises her own husband and his family but needs to stay because of her (adult) daughters and the fact her mum has dementia and her dad needs her. So she was making running off into the future difficult i guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 05:42

I hate what he’s done to me or what he’s made me do to myself.

OP posts:
Nightbringer · 06/10/2021 05:49

Affairs often don't last when they aretaking place in normal life. When there's its the mundane every day life and the excitement isn't what it was.

Op, you deserve so much more. So much more than being mans second choice. Who he settled with instead of being alone. You deserve more than just the woman who fills in the gaps while he prioritised playing games with her.

category12 · 06/10/2021 05:58

He says ‘we were planning a lovely future together but you can’t sustain it can you? You have to cause rows”.

Wow. Just wow. What a nasty arse dickhead.

He's got no respect for you and he's excited that she's back in touch. He's confident that he can shut you up and doesn't care that you're in pain.

She's not the problem. He is.

Of course you don't trust him. You'd be mad to.

Sometimes you try really hard to make things work, but ultimately it's not worth it. He's not worth it. Your life with him is a lie.

I think you would be happier in the long run if you split up with him. You don't really realise how unhappy this stuff makes you day to day until you're out of it. Living like this is so bad for your mental health.

Biscuits1 · 06/10/2021 06:01

I would contact her husband and let him know. She has no respect for you, so don't give her any back. He should have no contact with her whatsoever and needs to delete her from Instagram. You don't deserve to go through this again!

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 06/10/2021 06:05

Honestly I think you should split with him. He obviously enjoyed the excitement and doesn't appreciate you, he must thank you'll be there whatever
She sounds bored, might be between affairs, and it could all fire up again. You deserve better than this
He is deflecting and blaming you so, if it does start again, it will be your fault, you drove him to it
Take charge and free yourself from this man

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 06:17

I dont even know what to say to him. His last words to me (hes working away) were “we’ll both calm down and get back on track. I’ll see you soon”.
Why the fuck is he doing this? I honestly think hes secretly delighted she has remembered him. I said “when she left you, you deleted the whole insta app from your phone for a year. Now you cant even be bothered to block her”
He just said that he didnt want talk about this. He had explained that her contact irritated him and that they had not spoken etc. And he thought i had calmed down. But no, i can’t leave it alone. I have to trust that he is dealing with this and he can do that without my advice thank you very much.
So thats me told. And now i have to wait until he comes home.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/10/2021 06:23

Why the fuck is he doing this? I honestly think hes secretly delighted she has remembered him.

She dumped him, he was gutted, now she's sniffing round again and he's excited. It's not rocket science, it's obvious, and his shouting you down and obstinacy are just to get you to STFU.

You don't have to wait for him, and you don't have to accept any old crap he feeds you.

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2021 06:35

You don’t have to wait for anything. I’d be somewhere else for a few days and he can wonder.

category12 · 06/10/2021 06:48

Have you sat down and thought about what you get out of your relationship, and whether it is good for you?

At the moment he's wrongfooting you and using DARVO on you (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) - this is actually emotionally abusive.

He's on a high about her getting back in touch, and dreary killjoy you that he's cheated on is harshing his buzz.

You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 06:57

If i leave wont they just both be relieved (sorry if im being stupid i’ve been awake all night)?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/10/2021 07:02

If you leave then you won’t have to deal with any of this shit anymore- he’s totally out of order here for not blocking her; how are you supposed to trust him when it’s the same way they communicated before? Use this time to plan and speak to a solicitor because you deserve much better. Imagine how relieved you’ll be to be on your own without this knobhead to think about

category12 · 06/10/2021 07:09

@Brightonpierrot

If i leave wont they just both be relieved (sorry if im being stupid i’ve been awake all night)?
But do you really want to stick it out just to be a minor obstacle to them fucking?

What about your relief to not be treated like crap? To have the opportunity to heal and move on, to find someone you can trust who puts you first? To let go of a man who cheats on you and shouts you down?

Fluffypastelslippers · 06/10/2021 07:22

@Brightonpierrot

If i leave wont they just both be relieved (sorry if im being stupid i’ve been awake all night)?

OP forget about what it means to them if you leave and focus on what it would mean to you

thesearelaughterlines · 06/10/2021 07:24

So sorry you've had no sleep and feeling shit
Fucking cheeky bastard he is
You are not being over the top or silly or unreasonable
This has opened old wounds that were maybe only partially healed ?

Maybe none of it is more important than this -
What do you want ?
Do you want to stay and continue to work on being happy ?
Do you want to start a new life on your own building new friendships and putting your own needs first ?
I think some people can come back from affairs and find forgiveness but for most of us it would be a no
If not immediately then in time as you see the pain does not ever go away and any small doubts will have you very quickly searching his phone/insta etc
Take care , can you get a day off or finish early and try get a bit of sleep

TreasuredMim · 06/10/2021 07:32

I hate what he’s done to me or what he’s made me do to myself.

Take charge, stop waiting, stop letting things be done to you. Stop hanging around for more heartbreak.

He wants the thrill of her more than he wants you.

There is a much better life waiting for you. Let go of the fear and grab it.

MsDogLady · 06/10/2021 07:37

Brighton, if I am correct, your H and OW had sex in your bed numerous times when you were in the hospital undergoing cancer treatment. Their callousness was truly beyond the pale.

I am so sorry that OW has returned from the swamp and that H has refused to block her, and is in fact shifting the blame to you ‘causing trouble.’ This tells me that H is in ‘wayward mode’ and is no longer actively in reconciliation. If he wanted to be a safe husband, he would have blocked OW immediately with you witnessing the message. Instead he is lapping up her attention, dismissing this trigger, and turning on you.

Brighton, how many more of his shit sandwiches are you going to tolerate? Flowers

Original poster
Brightonpierrot · 06/10/2021 07:38

Thank you all for being so kind. I really needed to have my feelings corroborated. He was making me feel guilty for checking up on him. I know i need to trust but he’s obviously not trustworthy.

What i really want is my life pre-affair.it all looks so happy and carefree from here!

I do want not to have to think about it every day. Not to feel awful at his work dos (everybody there knows). Not to feel sick when his phone pings. Not to take pills, see a therapist. Not to be afraid to mention anything about it for fear of provoking a sulk or tantrum from him. Not to feel like a frumpy old woman.

But I am worried about the lack of people round me.

OP posts: