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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i being ridiculous

214 replies

Brightonpierrot · 05/10/2021 23:48

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 18:45

Oh, & read the comments section under Chump Lady's article too. They will help you feel less alone.

This is a script Brighton, & he is not deviating from it by one inch.

also I believe you deserve a massive xx

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 18:46

[quote Brightonpierrot]@Nightbringer do you mean they have been in touch over the 2 years since the affair and she wants me to know? So they can be together? Why is he trying to stay married to me if thats the case?[/quote]
Because ...CAKE!

Chump Lady explains all in the link, if you delve around the site a bit.

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:37

I suspect they have been in touch and having or heading towards a new affair. They may not have been in touch for the 2 years. But I am guessing they have been in touch with each other over recent months. Did you say, he deleted it and then reinstalled it? I would guess around then.

She either wants him to leave or to just cause some trouble and wanted you to know. So kept liking until you saw it.

He called her to tell her to stop, because he knew you would see it eventually.

Why else did he not block her? He wanted her on his Instagram for a reason. If he blocked her, she can't message him. I can't get passed him refusing to block her, there's definitely a reason he didn't.

He may not want to end his marriage. Doesn't mean he wants to stop his contact with her.

This is obviously, only my educated guess. But cheaters rarely give the full story the first, second or third time. You often never get the full truth

He is slowly giving you more and more information. Hoping that at some point soon you accept it as the whole truth and carry on the marriage. And he can continue as is.

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 19:46

I also believe they've been in way more contact than you are aware of..

the Instagram is merely was exposed their secret contact ...

He is taking you for a fool... again 🌸

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 19:56

I predict the next drip feed is that she did answer. Or she called him back. He will claim he 'bollocked' her.

Or maybe he will tell you 'well yeah she did send a couple of messages, but Ignored them' then 'I only answered to get her to go away' then 'I didn't think having a quick chat was bad...but I see now I shouldn't have'

It just doesn't make sense that she was causing him stress for weeks and he didn't bother blocking her or speaking to you

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 09/10/2021 21:10

The thing with this twat is that his ego was bruised when she dumped him, so now, even if he doesn't want to have a full affair, he may still have to shag her so that he can do the dumping this time. Retribution and resolution for him, ego restored.

You will be so much happier out of this. Imagine your own place, with all your lovely things, just how you want it, building your new life. Bliss

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 21:51

Now he’s just angry and says I’m awful for not trusting him

I've not RTFT so I'm sorry if this has already been said.

When you've cheated on someone, it's torture waiting for them to trust you again. You'll do anything to prove to them that you're trustworthy and that you only want to be with them. You understand that you did wrong, you take responsibility for breaking the trust, and you'll wait forever for them to rebuild their trust in you.

His actions and words are nothing like this. He reeks of guilt. Stop invalidating your natural responses.

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2021 23:35

@Brightonpierrot

Small update: he’s blocked her on instagram etc., he’s made his gram private. He’s obviously trying. He’s sorry he didn’t block her immediately.

He told me me she first liked one of his posts weeks ago and he was irritated and ignored it, them she did it again a few weeks later and he phoned her to ask her what she was playing at and tell her to stop, but she didn’t answer the phone. Finally, she did it again this week and before he could do anything I noticed and it all kicked off.

I don’t know what to think anymore (numb) but i am glad i noticed so she (and he) didn’t get an easy ride.

DH apparently told a colleague OW had been in touch and their response was ‘what about her husband poor bloke’.

God DH must feel like a right fool. All this heartache caused for nothing.

What he wanted from the colleague was ‘she clearly can’t get enough of you man, you must be gods gift to women! Better not tel your wife eh? Har har.’

RosieCockle · 10/10/2021 09:13

He phoned her!! But he didn't know how to block her - tap 3 dots, choose block.
Oh dear. Please don't be taken for a mug.

MydogWillow · 10/10/2021 09:29

He's blocked her on everything? So the contact wasn't just on Instagram?

QueenBee52 · 10/10/2021 11:51

He's in touch secretly ... 'blocking' her means sod all..

FlosCampi · 10/10/2021 16:33

He called her to tell her to stop liking his posts???! But it's only come out now. Much more likely that he called for some other reason, and he's now retrofitting an excuse to that call, as he knows you are suspicious and might look through his call log, so he's getting his story in first and minimising it.

Thewookiemustgo · 10/10/2021 18:03

Any contact he has ever had with her should have been told to you the minute it happened. He needed to go completely non contact from day one and stay that way if he was serious about mending your relationship.
He didn’t. For him to think for a second it was ever going to be ok to call her or contact her for any reason whatsoever shows he has no idea what he’s done, what its impact on you has been and what he needs to do to move forward. He is fence-sitting at best and cake-eating at worst. If you decide to give him another chance, and only you can decide whether or not you can do that, he needs to know and agree to the boundaries going forward and that they are totally non-negotiable. Waste the chance and that’s that. Your heartbreak, your rules.
At present he’s doing nothing to save your relationship or pain. That need to change immediately.

Thewookiemustgo · 10/10/2021 18:05

If his Instagram use bugs you, btw, given what he’s used it and misused it for, it’s not unreasonable for you to ask him to delete the account and stay off social media.

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