Am i being ridiculous

[Brightonpierrot]

Story is that my husband had an affair with a woman at his work. Affair lasted over a year. OW finally left him. He was devastated. Confessed all. I was devastated. Agreed to try and save marriage. Had counselling etc. Over 2 years go by and no contact from her. This week out of the blue she starts ‘liking’ his instagram posts. Just that.
He says he doesnt know why, he hasnt had any contact with her and doesnt want to. He says he’s dealing with it (by ignoring her) and I should trust him and ignore it too.
Am I being unreasonable?

He's panicking because he thinks his plan B might not want to be plan B anymore and he doesn't have a plan C. He's upset for himself.

I think this is true. I'm so sorry OP, thinking of you

Thank you everyone. It has soothed me so much to have all your wise insight. I was in such a state yesterday.
I’m leaving him to stew now. He’s blocked her (not before time). Now i can take time to think what to do. I am going to get the house valued. I hate it since he defiled it with her anyway.

Well done OP.
Keep on with the self-soothing, & keep posting here for moral support.

I’m leaving work early and going to go home and sleep. I wonder if now shes been blocked she’ll leave us alone but i doubt it. If a single thing happens again I’m out of this immediately. If nothing happens I will just plan my more leisurely get out.
Instagram was such a big part of the affair. He and she were on it constantly commenting on each others’ posts, and she also followed my son. She also followed me - she was sending me little memes of funny hedgehogs and things all the time she was shagging DH in my home.
This is partly why her popping up on it now was very triggering for me. She has a very glamorous instagram name (think bond girl).

Oh dear it's not PG is it 🙄😂

Anyway, bloody well done. You sound very much in control now, albeit understandably shattered.

I'm all for putting the blame squarely on the DH when an OW is involved but ... she also followed my son (instagram) ... FUUUUUCK!
What a predator ...

If a single thing happens again I’m out of this immediately. If nothing happens I will just plan my more leisurely get out.
Good for you. Give yourself time, it will be up & down, but eventually, you will have your own safe & secure space for you & DC xx

@MydogWillow Oh dear it's not PG is it 🙄😂

Thanks that actually made me laugh out loud. No it’s more an Avengers Girl really altho she looks nothing like either (meeow)

😂

He brought OW into your bed while you you were away having cancer treatments. That is a special kind of heinous.

H and OW were a pair of devious snakes. She would spend the night, use your things, and he even let her build a wall in your garden which you cannot bear to look at. Even in the face of your devastation, he had the gall to call her a kind, wonderful woman who just got ‘carried away.’ You had actually entertained her and her H previously, and she was sugary sweet to you while shagging your H.

So, she is back playing her games, and H’s boundaries are still weak for her. Although she has been ‘in touch’ for weeks, he did not shut it down or act with transparency. She batted her eyelashes and he was intrigued. And when you discovered this new betrayal, he lashed out at you.

Brighton, he was an unsupportive traitor who humiliated you when you were ill. Now, with OW sniffing around again, he failed to act as a remorseful, safe partner would. I am very sorry. He may be furiously backpedaling, but this would be the absolute end for me.

"He was an unsupportive traitor who humiliated you when you were ill"

spot on @MsDogLady as usual.

These words should be emblazoned across his tombstone. Betrayal doesn't get much worse than this.

@Brightonpierrot I think I remember your original post, and was horrified that your husband was heartbroken by the OW ending things, and expected you to be sympathetic to his moping around, while telling you how “lovely” OW is. What a selfish self centred little man he is. He is very lucky you stayed, but it sounds like it has cost you so much heartache every single day. I don’t think I could put myself through that pain tbh. And now he expects you to “get over it”.
Let’s face it, he is secretly hoping she comes back for him. And this is the first step. That’s why he didn’t block her. Why would he? He can just tell you to pipe down and he can get his ego stroked all over again. I bet he’s quite excited at the prospect of rekindling the relationship. He’s just annoyed you’ve found out quicker this time.
He’s lying about being annoyed by her contact. You know he’s a liar, and a good one. Can’t believe he took her to your home for sex. That is downright sleazy, not something a “lovely” woman would countenance.
🌸 for you

I'd punch his lights out then go punch hers out too and tell them there welcome to each other 🤷‍♀️
Probably not the right thing to do but it would make me feel better x

She sounds snakey & calculated. He sounds full of shit. Doesn’t know how to block her etc?? If he really cared about your feelings and his past behaviour he would delete instagram to reassure you. Him telling you it’s all in your head is basically the same as him saying “it isn’t all in your head”. The bloody fool.

Tell her husband- cheeky cow! No one is thinking about you in this, how dare she, and your husband is really taking this piss, sorry I am livid on your behalf. Your husband isn’t worth it.

Thank you all for the advice and support. I am recovering from a migraine which i think came on with all the stress.
Latest on Gramgate is that i told him i am done with it all and he can have her. I said my mental health cant take this anymore and that i am planning to move on once my work project is finished.
He appeared to be very upset by this. Said nothing had happened with her. That she had just started liking his posts on instagram and he didnt know why. He has blocked her now “on everything”. He apologised to me. Said he appreciated how upsetting it is for me. Basically he said and did all the stuff he should have done immediately. Too late really. I also told him she will never live in my house and I’m getting legal advice.
He’s now saying he doesn’t want to be with her, will i try and get over it one more time, he will do anything to put it right blah blah blah.
What have i learned from this? Well, trust your instincts. And dont be afraid to call people out on what they are doing.
I did say to him that he wasnt protecting me or putting me first and i am not living like that. She being a horrible sneaky woman and he was letting her.
I do wonder why she has reappeared now. I guess she must think she can just take up where she left off.

I'm glad you're taking a position of strength. Well done .

Well done Brighton , if that is what you want then

Be strong
Stick to your guns
Have everything in order
Look forward to a new chapter
You will do wonderfully !

What a fabulously positive post @Brightonpierrot

You can now answer the questioned you asked on your thread title.

There will be plenty of wobbles to come no doubt, but your dignity self worth and integrity will keep you strong. Good luck

Well done OP.

He had every opportunity to block her 2 years ago or even when he decided to install Insta again but instead he kept having a go at you.

Claiming he didn't know how to block her, more lies.
He's away and they could have been chatting up a storm for all you know.

Now suddenly, you've decided not to take one more moment of his lies and bs, he's remorseful. Riiight.

Glad you having the house valued and seeing a solicitor to find out your rights.

It might actually be fun to live in the city for a year or so with your little dog until your project is finished.

What a pathetic pair they are, and lacking in any moral fibre or values. They don't even have the guts to make a go of it, which makes me think that both of them rely on you and her husband a bit too much and you are both too useful to discard.

The pair disgust me, lower than low.

Neither of them suffered any consequenses from their despicable behaviour and no wonder really, you had the most difficult battle of your life whist at the same time trying to fight the battle of a predatory woman and a man that was hell bent on insulting you, going on at the same time.

I don't know how you did it, you must have gone to hell and back and you survived, you are stronger than you possibly know.

You are magnificent.

I do hope you find your safe space, away from him using you, cooking, cleaning, ironing , house admin and pobably a whole load of other work he created for you whilst running his buisness. Self employed people always put much of the work on partners and lawyers are well aware of this.

He knows what's going to come, you have more power than you realise, he took for granted your worth, he is going to come down to earth with a bump, I'm sure, although he may not know it yet and I also don't think you do either.

What an ungrateful man he is .........
make sure this is a lesson he fully learns.

Also, do not for 1 minute ever accept he is right, you are the one who is completely right, no letting him shout you down ever again.

Good luck
for you.

She was attempting to slither back in by liking his posts. I recall that her previous M.O. that he loved was her fawning over him, so she probably figured he would be flattered and intrigued by her resumed attention. No mat

Thanks so much for your lovely posts. I do feel better.

He’s now saying he’s angry with her because she knew i’d see the gram stuff and must have done it to cause trouble between us. “Dont let her win” he actually said that.

I just laughed. I said she happily contributed to putting me through several years of hell so i didn't think she would be bothered about how i feel about anything.

I said she obviously thinks he is so weak or so massively enthralled by her that she can just get him back just like that. But i am not in their way. In fact they can go off and live together at least that would make some of this mess make sense.

@Onthedunes you are so right. If they had run off together it would feel like their relationship had some purpose, as horrible as it would have been for me to have been left like that. As it is, it’s just 2 middle aged people messing around together in secret. Causing grief and mayhem for no apparent reason. Certainly not so they can be together.

Guess what? It’s not so enticing to think of a new life with your married mistress when your wife gives you permission. Much wailing about how he only wants to be happy with me and how he doesn’t want her now.

I even said “i never wanted her to live in this house or see the kids, but I actually don’t care. She can live here if you buy me out and the kids have already said they think she’s a c* so good luck with that”.

Thanks wise ladies of mumsnet. Sometimes you just have to calmly accept things!

(Whoops-posted too soon) No matter what he claims, he must have unresolved feelings for OW. After she dumped him, he wrote her a letter and called her a selfish coward for leaving him. He clearly couldn’t bring himself to block her, thereby prioritizing her over you.

Kudos for drawing this line, Brighton. Enough is enough.

@MsDogLady weirdly for the first time ever I don’t think I care if he loves her.

I suffered for a long time thinking that everyone thinks she is a lovely person despite what she did (to me, using my house to shag my husband and pretending she was my friend makes her most definitely not a lovely person).

I was frantic because my husband would always defend her. How could they not all see how vile she was to me i wanted to scream.

But now she has done this instagram thing i just feel like she’s exposed her true self. And if DH still loves her then good luck to him. I cannot try and hold it all together anymore.

Funnily enough i think even he doesn't like what she did. So he will have to go off with someone he suspecting he doesn't like much. Couldn’t happen to a nicer couple.

No worries, a pep talk to remind you of what a remarkable person you are, what you have undeservedly put up with and to remind you that there is a world out there of decent people who are not trash, people who have morals.

They are trash, not deserving of being in your life, in anyones really.
They are low bar and beneath you.

He's just worrying about his losses, pay no mind, it's time for his consequenses.

Do many know of their disgusting behaviour?
It may be time for them to learn about shame.
x