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Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 07/09/2021 16:42

I would be upset as well. I would have got rid after the backing down years ago.

If you feel really strongly about this you need to make a decision about staying or leaving.

Purplewithred · 07/09/2021 16:43

I assume your finances and future are 100% entwined, but neither of you has any security in case of a split or one of you dying.

Do you want a Wedding, or to be legally joined?

DogFoodPie · 07/09/2021 16:46

Well he clearly doesn't want to after 29 years of making excuses, so I would give up on the idea and focus on making sure you are completely financially secure if you did ever break up or something happened to him.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/09/2021 16:49

After nearly 30 years of delay tactics did you actually expect him to?

Are you financially secure with or without him?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:50

Yes everything is joint. I have said if anything happened to us we aren't NOK. But he doesn't seem bothered about that. Because he believes that his mum and dad would be ok and treat me well (kids are old enough now though) but as I have mentioned I have seen too many times over the years how relatives can be when the couple aren't married.
He said I don't need a ring and paper to show I love you and am committed to you. And logically I know he is but it's like you asked me and I think it was because he was freaked I was going to uni but he denies this. I know hand on heart it won't happen but I wish he hadn't been such a coward about it. It's more that we have been together since teens and at the end of the day legally it means nothing when I say this he shrugs and says its not important. I didn't spend my days thinking ohhh we gonna get married and all this but when he asked it was yes this is the person I want to be with forever. And he fails to see why I'm upset by his behaviour and thought I was over reacting qhen I got angry and upset. And tbh it took me at least 10 years after the event to lose it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:52

But after the wedding at the weekend he said do you think we will ever make it to a wedding. I didn't even answer because I didn't want the hypothetical discussion

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 07/09/2021 16:54

He’s been with you for 28 years but he’s anxious…? Of what?!

That would tick me right off too - if it’s important to you then it should be important to him. Are you not quite good enough to be his wife…is he keeping his options open?! What exactly would change, other than it ties up all the legal loose ends without having to pay for a solicitor to do that for you?

BlackIsQueen · 07/09/2021 16:54

You've given birth to his babies but His Anxiety? Does he rule the roost in other ways or is it marriage the only sticking point?

MrsSquirrel · 07/09/2021 16:55

when I say this he shrugs and says its not important

It's not important to him. It clearly is important to you. Does he show any regard for your feelings?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/09/2021 16:57

If it doesn't matter to him but he has no reason he doesn't want to marry then why won't he do it because it matters to you?

Standrewsschool · 07/09/2021 16:57

You mention anxiety, so is it the ‘Big White Wedding Day’ he doesn’t want. You don’t need this to be married. All you need is your dp, yourself and two witnesses (your dc? His parents?). No fancy day in front of people.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:58

No he says I'm the bossy one...lol. Irony we went a wedding and one of the guests bf had done the same to them, he was full of empathy for her. But completely oblivious he ahd done that to me. I think for me the fact that my mum and dad aren't here now has really stirred up feelings

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/09/2021 16:59

Ah ye olde “it’s just a piece of paaaaper” does he regard the mortgage agreement or his driving licence as just an unimportant “piece of paper” or is it only a legal contract with the person he’s supposed to love that is a piece of paper?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:59

I offered to us just go and have done a few times since but it was I don't believe in the institution of marriage it stems from a man owning woman. And we have had its a religious ceremony and I don't believe in God.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 07/09/2021 16:59

Well, he’s not going to do it, so it depends how important it is to you. You either live with it or you leave him. If you want marriage you’re not going to get it with him so you’ll need to find someone else. It is a bit shitty of him to future fake you - pretending to want to shut you up but getting cold feet as soon as he’s reeled you back in. Long and short is that given everything is joint, and he knows this is important to you, and it’s no skin off his nose either way, and he knows what joy this would bring you, he’s telling you that his wants are more important than yours.

NoVegPlease · 07/09/2021 17:02

What do you think will happen if you took the bull by the horns and booked a church and venue like you did before and said "right, we're getting married on such and such date and I've booked it all"?

I always believe that you should never have to railroad a man into marriage, men either want to or they don't. I don't think he wants to, but he should at least be honest with you as to why, because being anxious isn't a good enough reason.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:02

Yep having his cake and eating it. Just kind of nice to know that I'm not being irrational about it. Tbh it is the only thing we have massively disagreed on.

OP posts:
Forestdweller11 · 07/09/2021 17:03

What about a civil partnership rather than a wedding? No religious argument to be had there.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:04

He wouldn't do it. That would be an ultimatum and he would choose the opposite just because I had give him the ultimatum.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 07/09/2021 17:04

You could try a different approach;

"OKAY, Sam, for the first 28 years of our relationship we've done it your way, no marriage. But fair's fair, now it';s my turn, so we're going to get married for the next 28 years. If we're both still alive, then it it will be your turn again so we'll get divorced.".

If marriage doesn't mean anything at all to him, then it's hard to see why he'd object to 10 minutes down the registry office to please you.
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:05

Well I said you could get married at a registry office or do the hotel thing and he wouldn't. He said we can have a civil ceremony and I don't have change my name or even wear a ring if I don't want. So I gracefully declined that stating that I felt like a business proposition not someone he loved

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:08

May try that. Smile. Thank you for listening to my moaning

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 07/09/2021 17:10

I think what's at the bottom of all this, @AlphabetSoup123, is that you would like him to be proud to be your husband, and feel proud if you were his wife. But he doesn't feel this way. And that hurts. Plus he doesn't care that he is hurting you so much, and has been for so long.

Only you can decide whether your relationship, your shared life, and the way he treats you, can ever make up for this hurt. Flowers

TwinsandTrifle · 07/09/2021 17:11

I have said if anything happened to us we aren't NOK. But he doesn't seem bothered about that. Because he believes that his mum and dad would be ok and treat me well (kids are old enough now though) but as I have mentioned I have seen too many times over the years how relatives can be when the couple aren't married.

What the hell? You've been together for 28yrs got two children, and you've got to hope his parents treat you well rather than being given the respect and security you deserve?

No. Massive no. It's time for a decision on your part. Who does he think he is?

SeriouslyISuppose · 07/09/2021 17:12

@AlphabetSoup123

Well I said you could get married at a registry office or do the hotel thing and he wouldn't. He said we can have a civil ceremony and I don't have change my name or even wear a ring if I don't want. So I gracefully declined that stating that I felt like a business proposition not someone he loved
But it IS a business proposition. And what your partner said which you quite here is pretty much what I said to my longterm partner, who wanted to get married. I wasn’t keen, but said if he really wanted to, I would do it, but very casually, in a register office, with two witnesses. It never occurred to either of us that I would do anything as reactionary as change my name, and neither of us wears a ring. So we did.
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