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Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 07/09/2021 17:37

‘Wills and stuff’ for your own and your children’s benefit you might need (maybe already have) to think about when one dies and IHT (which would not be different if m or civil p). Re pensions - if eithe if you have a private or workplace pension many will not pay out in the absence of m or cp - some pay lump sum but no more etc etc. As long as you’re clear about what will happen. Have a feeling maybe he thinks the situation will be better than it will be ?

HeronLanyon · 07/09/2021 17:38

IHT WOULD be different that should read.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:38

I'm mid 40s. Everything is joint. We made the wills together on the same day. I get on with his parents but you never know how people will react in certain times. I know it won't happen I just wanted to know that I wasn't being irrational about it and you have given me that clarity.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 07/09/2021 17:39

If he's offered you a civil partnership but hasn't expressed any views on marriage being an institution of the patriarchy, just that he's 'anxious' - why not a wedding? Makes no sense.

Marcee · 07/09/2021 17:39

If you got wills sorted.
It depends. Not sure how old you are, but whether you're willing to start again or not.

Kendodd · 07/09/2021 17:42

How old are your kids op?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:42

Not really he just a shy person overall. I u derstand what you say about the civil partnership and it may seem selfish for me to say no but that's not what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:42

20 and 18

OP posts:
PearlyRising · 07/09/2021 17:42

Dont let him call you his wife. That flatters him as it would suggest he is a man who could make a decision, commit, value love when he had it. He didnt do those things though. He has avoided making a decision, avoided commitment and hasnt shown you that he values the relationship. Dont let him masquerade as a husband.

GertietheGherkin · 07/09/2021 17:42

So you've given him 28 yrs of your life in a relationship?

You've given him two children

You've put up with him dithering about will he/ won't he?

You have joint finances?

Yet he feels anxious about marrying you?

It looks like you're going to have to accept that he's looked out for your future, with his reassurances of "He thinks his parents will treat you well" (wtf?)

I don't know how you can change things, but if he doesn't care how much it means to you, he's not being very fair. You can have a small wedding, just you two and the kids. There's no real reason for anxiety really I don't think.

SirChenjins · 07/09/2021 17:43

My DH is a shy person - lots of people are shy, it's not uncommon. They still get married though. H'es just making excuses. The 2 of you could go to a registry office with a tiny group of family and close friends - or even just 2 witnesses - and have your wedding there if his shyness is so debilitating.

IvyM · 07/09/2021 17:44

Sorry OP, but if I were you I'd leave him as he clearly doesn't want to marry you and all his reasons sound like gaslighting. After 29 years, 2 children and joint ownership of a house the only reason one would refuse to marry a person who wants marriage is out of spite. It's clearly not anxiety over a big wedding as you've given the option of an elopement.
I wonder if you're just too much of a nice person to realize he's a narcissist.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:44

He said he doesn't agree with marriage because it's a symbol of religion and ownership of women. I said but shouldn't it be my choice if I want to get married or not and not you deciding

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:45

Maybe I am.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 07/09/2021 17:46

What about a civil partnership?;give yourselves the same legal rights as married couples?

SirChenjins · 07/09/2021 17:46

@AlphabetSoup123

He said he doesn't agree with marriage because it's a symbol of religion and ownership of women. I said but shouldn't it be my choice if I want to get married or not and not you deciding
Absolute rubbish - he's read that somewhere and decided to repeat it. If he really felt that way he wouldn't refer to you as his wife.

Remind him that you're the woman and you don't view it as ownership. Religion doesn't even have to come into it if you have a humanist wedding or one at the registry office.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:48

That's my pettiness I'm afraid

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 17:49

He said he doesn't agree with marriage because it's a symbol of religion and ownership of women. I said but shouldn't it be my choice if I want to get married or not and not you deciding

This sounds like the dilemma facing partners who want different numbers of children. I don't believe you can force someone to actively engage in a commitment / event they don't want to. If you want to be married, you have the choice to leave and look for marriage with someone who does want it.

I completely understand that you want him to want to be married to you, but he's said he doesn't want that. By offering civil partnership he is prepared to make his commitment legal and binding.

ladamanera · 07/09/2021 17:50

Print out this thread and leave it on the kitchen table and book yourself into a nice week away.

Deadringer · 07/09/2021 17:51

Honest to god i would be dumping him. I am sick of reading about these selfish fuckers on here, how on earth does any woman put up with having their feelings repeatedly trampled on, and for 30 years! There is another thread going where the dh has been stringing the op along about having dc and has now decided no. He doesn't care what you want and after 30 years it seems he never will. You deserve better op.

RandomMess · 07/09/2021 17:57

I would be considering trading him for a younger model that you are less likely to have to look after in their old age...

NowEvenBetter · 07/09/2021 18:07

‘Show him the thread’ is always a terrible idea, in any scenario.
In this one, the boyfriend couldn’t be clearer-he doesn’t give a shit.
important differences for cohabiting single people and married couples
Wills for single people don’t really matter, either party can change theirs at any time. Single people have zero legal protections. If you want a husband this boyfriend isn’t the man for you, OP.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 07/09/2021 18:08

Honest to god i would be dumping him
Same! Life is too short for this bullshit. The constant will he, won’t he?
It’s almost like he’s punishing you for not saying yes when he asked you originally.

l2b2 · 07/09/2021 18:08

@Marcee

Personally I think you need to ensure hes made a will ASAP.

Then you'll have to keep working on him.

Unfortunately he doesn't he understand the lack of security he is giving you.

If something happens to him and he's in hospital, it'll be his kids who are his legal NOK, or his parents. Same with a funeral God forbid.

None of the assets will be split with you unless they are in your name or you can prove you put money into them.

I know you've declined a civil partnership but this will give you the legal rights you need. So something to consider if he still wont marry you.

I know some are saying LTB.

But after 30 years and 2 kods- you haven't said how old you are. I'm not sure if that's a realistic option if you're in you 60's or 70's.
Obviously in your 60's still something to consider.

In your shoes, I'd be booking the civil partnership service ASAP. If he's employed, has he specifically made you the beneficiary of 'death in service' payment / work pension and vice versa?
Driftingblue · 07/09/2021 18:09

Could you get married in a country where the marriage is recognized by the government, but is not automatically religious? In lots of places you can be married in a religious or a civil ceremony and the government doesn’t care about the distinction. All it needs is the marriage certificate signed by an authorized officiant, the 2 people getting married, and sometimes a witness.