Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/09/2021 20:19

He’s an accountant?? He knows exactly what he’s doing then by not having a legal contract ie marriage with you

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/09/2021 20:28

After 28 years of sorry excuses he's proven to you he doesn't want to marry you. THere's no other way about it. He doesn't have one valid reason for not doing it.

I have a friend who had three children with a woman he refused to marry. I never understood how having children together, having a 20+ year mortgage, etc is an easier commitment than marriage. I would always feel like i was good enough to spread his seed and share finances so he could live better, but not good enough to show that I'm worthy of marriage.

334bu · 07/09/2021 20:31

If he is an accountant, why on earth is he not doing his utmost to ensure that you are not left with a large inheritance tax bill to pay if he dies before you?. You might find yourself having to sell your house to pay it.

AvantGardening · 07/09/2021 20:37

Next time he ‘wonders’ of you’ll ever have a wedding say no. You wanted that when you had parents to attend and needed security while you raised young kids. In fact you’re quite enjoying getting to have your single, student days even if they are 20 years later than planned. And you won’t be expected to give up your new career to be his carer in old age if you’re just a girlfriend not a wife. In fact staying more casual suits you now. The way it has him for the last 28 years.

Watch how fast he arranged a special 30 year anniversary wedding for the two of you once you voice that he’s not the centre of your world anymore.

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 20:37

If he is an accountant, why on earth is he not doing his utmost to ensure that you are not left with a large inheritance tax bill to pay if he dies before you?
To be fair if OP dies first he will also face an IHT bill as she says assets are shared.
That doesn't explain why he's not doing more to ensure that doesn't happen, but it would negatively impact him just as much.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2021 20:40

He's made it clear that he's never going to marry you. You've said that a civil partnership 'doesn't work' for you.

IMHO, you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. Just do the civil partnership. That takes care of all the legalities and that's what's really important. A legally recognized marriage, although also an emotional and/or religious commitment, is really just another form of legally binding contract. For ages they were negotiated and signed off on as just that; 'marriage contracts'. Marriage for 'romantic love' is a rather modern thing, albeit it one I approve of heartily.

You keep bringing up the wedding you went to. Is it that you want some public declaration from him, like a wedding? Because you can have a 'wedding' without the legal formalities.

MrsMaizel · 07/09/2021 20:48

But my OH says you guys are great on here Ok this is weird ....

AutumnBliss · 07/09/2021 20:49

If he hadn’t asked you when you were 18, to make you come back from uni, you could have met someone else and be married and secure.

He’s robbed you if that. He sounds like a selfish shit. I’d start making a very clear line in the sand about your 50% of the assets. If he died, you would lose 50% of your joint assets. There’s no way your in-laws would give it to you. Also, aren’t his DC his heirs?

AutumnBliss · 07/09/2021 20:50

I’d redo your will on the sly snd leave it to your DC. He’s a poor excuse of a man.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 20:50

@TheRebelle

If I’m honest he doesn’t sound very nice, he proposed to stop you going to uni and when he got what he wanted he backed out and he’s been stringing you along ever since, he knows he doesn’t need to marry you even though it’s important to you because you’ve stuck around. I bet if you’d left him when he messed you around the first time he’d have been down that aisle like a rat up a drainpipe.

I just couldn’t spend my life with someone who disrespected me that much, he’s probably enjoying withholding this from you.

On balance, I'd agree with this.
TheHouseIsOnFire · 07/09/2021 20:52

@334bu

Do you have wills leaving everything to the other person? Is your name on the house deeds if you own a property? Are all your bank accounts joint? Do you have life insurance policies which pay out to the surviving partner? If you have property in an expensive area, does he realise how much inheritance tax will have to be paid if you are not married,? Marriage makes things so much easier when one partner dies.
Was going to say the same. Does he realise that if you die he may have to sell the house to pay your inheritance tax bill? Whereas if you were married he wouldn’t. Does his life insurance go to you to pay off the mortgage if he dies or will it go to his parents? I certainly wouldn’t be relying on the goodwill of his parents to keep you housed and secure in the event of his death. You need to have at least this part sorted. But by the time you make wills and property agreements and have official documents written up it’s cheaper and easier to just get married!

I’m in a slightly similar position - been with DP 10 years and no sign of marriage - we still live apart and he does make noises about moving in when the kids are all grown, but has stopped mentioning marriage. He was ok about the idea early on. But as he’s earned more, and got his own investments etc while I’m on benefits, I feel like he doesn’t want to marry me now as he is building up enough to take care of his DCs and wouldn’t want it to end up going to me if he dies. It’s hurtful, but I know to him it’s a practicality, and to me it says something about our relationship that there’s no sign of it becoming official at all. When he was taken into hospital and they asked him for his NOK he said his brother while I was stood right next to him, so that says a lot I think!

He mentioned his DB remarrying and was horrified that the new GF wouldn’t sign a prenup, so I’m guessing that’s what I have to look forward to if it does happen. Makes me sad to think of it, so I’m just taking each day as it comes. I guess that’s how you get to 29 years with it!

Hope you manage to sort things out so that you’re happy with the future arrangements whatever that looks like.

livinthedreamnot · 07/09/2021 20:53

I know someone who lived separately from their DP (for various reasons) but have been together for many years. They eventually married because her now DH wanted to protect her financially in the event of his death. Sorry OP, your DP is being very stubborn in refusing to give you this protection and I would be questioning why as his excuses seem very weak.

mynameisbrian · 07/09/2021 20:58

Tell your OH he is being an arsehole, I was with my DH for 20yrs, promise of marriage which never happened, being told its just a bit of paper. I ensured I continued working, have a pension pot and name on mortgage. He got sick and panicked when he realised it left me and the kids vulnerable, we also got less due to not being married, also issues around next of kin, his parents are a nightmare so I knew i was in a mess if he died without us being married. He also has a property of his own he rents out. We got married in a rush just before major surgery. For me it means I dont have to argue with his parents, he still has a will as you need that when married or not, pension is clear and I can advocate on his behalf if required as i am his named POA if need be. Its only when someone gets ill it sharpens the mind....

cabingirl · 07/09/2021 21:08

Do you want to be married or do you want a wedding? It's perfectly okay to want both but if being married is important for your future security I'd go with that and the civil ceremony first.

MrsRockAndRoll · 07/09/2021 21:28

Sorry OP abut all I hear is excuses. Sounds like he won't fully commit. Some men see marriage as pear ant yet living together or having children as temporary.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 21:39

Everything is joint

OP posts:
Dashel · 07/09/2021 21:40

Is your DP reading this?

Personally I think he is very cruel. He has strung you along for years and if he had been honest from the start it might have changed your stance on having children or you could have decided to give them your surname.

Names are important and I would want the same name as my children.

I wish you good luck in resolving this, I don’t envy the situation you are in. If he doesn’t legally commit to you then you will be upset and rightfully so, but if he does commit it sounds like he would be doing under duress. It’s a horrible situation.

aloris · 07/09/2021 21:42

Wait, you gave up going to college [aka independent financial stability for yourself] for this guy, had his children [aka a huge financial risk on you as an unmarried woman] and he still won't marry you?

Something is rotten here.

billy1966 · 07/09/2021 22:59

OP,

Your relationship bar is on the floor that you would stay 28 years with such a jerk.

You gave up Uni for this waster.

He sounds awful.
You deserve better.

Here's hoping your children are taken in like you and settle for so little.

GertietheGherkin · 07/09/2021 23:45

I bet he wanted the kids in his name though?
Also correct people if they refer to you as his wife.

He sounds a bit pathetic with his feeble excuses. He'd infuriate me, it all seems to be about him. What about what you want?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 08/09/2021 00:03

He going off what people have said in qork qho are on this

OP posts:
escapegirl · 08/09/2021 00:09

Maybe he is the type that thinks weddings are religious nonsense? I've seen many atheists over the years rebuff marriage as unnecessary and a relic of Christianity.

Anordinarymum · 08/09/2021 00:16

@MrsMaizel

But my OH says you guys are great on here Ok this is weird ....
Yeah..kind of what I thought
PersonaNonGarter · 08/09/2021 00:20

He’s just not that into you.

TooOldandTired · 08/09/2021 00:30

Ignoring all the awful emotional stuff.
Practically this is madness.
Are you ready to sell your house to pay IHT when he dies or he when you die?
Have you not had any advice on this?