He won't marry me after 28 years

[AlphabetSoup123]

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

And everything being joint has no impact on IHT.

This is the example you are setting your children.
Is that what you’d want for them / for them to do to their partner?

I’ve had a number of friends whose partners have died completely unexpectedly before their 50th birthdays. Those with marriages or civil partnerships have at least been spared having to sell their houses due to Inheritance Tax and have been able to access Bereavement Support Payments (or widow’s pension, as it was called). And were legally the next of kin of their partner.

I’ve also had other friends in 25+ year relationships who have split up and have been financially screwed over by the person they thought loved them.

He’s an accountant. He knows what he’s doing will screw you over financially. Get him to spell out all the implications. Or get an independent financial advisor to tell you, as I wouldn’t trust him to tell you the truth.

You have just started an exciting new chapter in your life by going back to Uni. Something he stopped you doing 28 years ago. Why on earth would you want to tie yourself to potentially be a carer in future for an old man who shows you such little respect.

I can completely empathise OP as I was in a similar situation once with a guy, where I had to cancel the church as he said he didn't want to do it. So upsetting.

And marriage is the ultimate romantic gesture. xxx

Would you even want to marry someone who so obviously doesn’t want to marry you?

He’s not going to do it so why do you still want him? He’s been stringing you along for years now; he proposed to stop you leaving and has been making empty promises since

It's bonkers that after 28 years and everything joint he doesn't want to get married. For the legal and financial benefits if nothing else, even if it's just a piece of paper to him.

I think get legal advice on how much better off you would both be if you were married.

In terms of your relationship, if it is good and loving and assets etc are joint then there is nothing inherently wrong with not wanting marriage.

I find it very hard to believe that he thinks marriage is bad because it is a relic from when men had ownership over women - yet was happy to give the children his surname. Did he suggest double-barrelling their names or giving them your surname? Is he normally a staunch feminist in his day-to-day life?

He just doesn't want to get married. And he doesn't care that it is important to you. I know everyone on Mumsnet seems to think that marriage is solely about the legal benefits that go along with it and sneer at the romantic side. However, for many people, it is a sign of commitment. It is a public pledge to 'forsake all others' and to sacrifice future romantic partners.

I always feel that if someone doesn't want to get married, they're not prepared to make that pledge. They want the door to remain open. If someone better comes along, they're not breaking any public promises. (Obviously married people cheat too and leave their spouses, but there is an extra element of breaking a vow, which is absent when an unmarried partner does it).

So, my view is that actions speak louder than words. This guy doesn't want to be married. Never intends to be married. Doesn't care enough about your feelings to marry for your sake. Will stay with you until someone better comes along (it's just happy circumstance that there hasn't been anyone better in 28 years). Am I wrong? Well, maybe, but what evidence do you have to suggest that I am wrong (apart from his words, and words are cheap)?

Should you leave him? Not necessarily. I don't advocate breaking up families. However, you need to concentrate on yourself and your needs now. He's had things his way for the entire relationship and strung you along. You need to decide what you want and what you are prepared to put up with.

I’d get the civil partnership done ASAP for legal reasons. You can worry about weddings later, but you really need the protection of a legal partnership rather than relying on the goodwill of his parents.

When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety

Why does he expect you to understand how he feels, whilst he makes zero effort to understand how you feel?

My friend had been living with her partner for many years, when she was taken seriously ill. Because she has family, who were called to the hospital, they were assumed to be next of kin.
He then realised only if they were married would it just be accepted that he was next of kin.
They went to the register office with their adult children as witnesses, so very little guess or cost.

If he hasn't married you after 20+years he never will. This will screw you over if he gets seriously ill or dies, and same for him too if you do.
Why are you only questioning this now? I'd be fine years ago, when he first cancelled the wedding.

I'd be gone years ago!

I don’t believe this is the only big issue between you both in your relationship. I suspect there’s other times he dismisses your wants and feelings and you’ve just grown used to it. It’s become so familiar and normal to you that you don’t recognise it for what it is. If someone truly loves another for over twenty years, has family, a joint home, a shared life, has no intention of ever leaving them, they would get married knowing how much it meant to their partner. All these excuses are nonsense.

@AlphabetSoup123
You wrote that after the wedding at the weekend he said do you think we will ever make it to a wedding and you didn't answer because you didn't want the hypothetical discussion.

That reads to me that he brought the subject up. Was it a lead up to a proposal ?
But you ducked the question.

Did anyone else think as I did.

I'm fascinated that he suggested Mumsnet and thinks Mumsnetters are great but you are only new to it. What topics interest him ? What threads is he on ?

Could you as other pp have said speak to a financial advisor and get the facts to appeal to his accountant brain and also write a letter to him about how this is making you feel and then go to some kind of counselling together to discuss it.
So that you could finally thrash this out and make him actually listen and take it in because that is the thing that jumps out to me in this that he’s having the conversations but it just isn’t sinking in because he’s really not listening.
Also it would be good to hear him try to defend the rubbish excuses in front of a third person - the crap about just a piece of paper and objections to it being a way to control women etc…
At least faced with facts instead of cod philosophy, you might get him to explain his real reasons and he would either see that it might be time to reevaluate this entrenched thinking or you would have a clearer idea of the root of his problem with it.
I realise as I write this that you shouldn’t have to jump through all these hurdles to have a real discussion, but I’d want to get to the root of it.

Also. What @thefourgp said

Dithering, making excuses and now ignoring your unhappiness with lame excuses which centre his thinking.
So unattractive. Have you got the "ick" yet?

But my OH says you guys are great on here.

So he's very familiar with mn and the replies to posts like yours op? Well that's a bit odd and I can't understand why he would do that. It's a nice bit of self sabotage if he is. Any ideas op?

That's the ultimate fuck you, damn. Almost 30 years... I can't even imagine. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Focus on yourself now, get your degree and live your life. If that means leaving then so be it.

@GoogleWhacked

I'd be gone years ago!

Yea, you and any one with a bit of self respect.

The OP should separate, sell her home and put herself in a better place financially.

How she modeled such an awful example to her children I don't know.

I hope she has the decency to spell out to her daughter how stupid she was to settle for SO little and that having children with a man who won't marry you dedpite you wishing to be married is the height of stupidity.

Because if the OP's daughter models her mothers choices it will just be awful and completely the OP's fault.

As a mother to daughters, it is my responsibility to instill self respect, standards and the confidence not to accept less than what they want.
To know their deal breakers and boundaries and not move from them for some selfish twat who wants it all his own way.

If I was the OP I wouldn't dream of marrying such a selfish man but my focus would be my children and what this has modelled to them.

Screw their selfish father who wouldn't protect his family and the home.🙄

I’d start disengaging and planning my exit. He just doesn’t want to marry you He hasn’t told you the real reason
What a gutless user

Have you said, "I understand you don't want to but doing it would make me very happy."

or asked him, if you would do it to make you happy.

It just feels so sad he won't do this for your after all the years together, to make you happy. Just a simple thing at the registers office with the children as witnesses.

I bet they would be excited too to see mum and dad just married.

Bloody hell OP, yes he's been a complete selfish self absorbed tool but FGS protect yourself and take him up on the civil partnership and soon before it's too late. No it won't be a church do with your parents there but that boat has sailed (sadly). This is the only compromise he's offering and whilst it's not "romantic" it at least gives you legal and financial protection.

My only fear would be that he's calling your bluff and if you did book a civil partnership ceremony he might suddenly think of another excuse or have a fit of "anxiety".

Why did the OP's partner ask her very recently "Do you think we will ever make it to a wedding ?" ?

And why did she not reply ???

We were on way back from a wedding and I didn't answer because I have been there many times before. Like I have said previously he doesn't want that and to some extent I have accepted that but want him to own the hurt he caused but he can't do that.