He won't marry me after 28 years

[AlphabetSoup123]

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

I'm afraid I couldn't get over how he's treated you.

He's misled you at the start, and several times since - including proposing and then backing out a month before the wedding?

He registered the children in his name, saying they didn't need to be double-barrelled as you would get married eventually?

He has given you various reasons, which actually means they aren't true (if he had a solid reason / convictin against marriage, he would give that reason every time. The fact he gies different reasons means he just doesn't want to get married).

He says it isn't important - he means it isn't important to him, and it's irrelevant that's it's important to you.

He's had his way for the past 29 years. And he thinks he should get his way to the end. That you should just suck it up and deal with the disappointment all your life?

He's happy for you to have your children but isn't sure enough to get married?

It's the insult, the lack of respect, the lies and leading on, the not caring about your feelings or needs... I'm afraid I couldn't respect him anymore.

He is confident he has you stuck, and you won't leave him, so he can continue having his own way. I would have to call his bluff. And mean it. If he won't make that (small) compromise for you after all this time....

@AlphabetSoup123
Any update ?
Thinking of you.

Lots of comments but I have got something more to contribute.

You are both quite young in the general scheme of things, despite having been together so long.

It’s important for you to realize:

1. (this one is so hard): Other women are not going to see a guy under 50 as too old/off limits no matter how young those women are, literally down to age 19. I work on an (nearly) all female industry and I can tell you almost every 20 year old I know would go off with the right 50-y-o as long as he wasn’t married. No matter if he had kids or live-in girlfriend etc.

1. You are at an age where you are extremely attractive to men who are looking to get serious in life. Mid-forties is not over the hill for women. There are d e f i n e t e l y men out there who would love to commit to a lifetime with a woman like you.

1. (the fucked up part) You may or may not ever meet the right man who will appreciate you just as you are. So you have to decide: settle for what you have (it could be snatched away make no mistake), or brave it out on your own and wait for a man who loves you so much he’ll shout it from the rooftops that he is the luckiest fucker in the world to have got you for a wife.

I’d choose the latter. Even though I know the odds of finding that guy are super slim.

I’m not really lonely being single in my late 40s, but I’m angry about it because I’m a thoughtful, smart, self-sacrificing woman.

You’re totally young enough to start over. This is a certainty.

But many woman of any age will never get to the point you’re at in a relationship.

Will you stop there? Final answer? Or leave this man and head out in search of better? You’ve got about ten more years to decide before it gets more difficult.

I would be really blunt.

Do you know what? Please stop asking me if you think we'll get married, because it's really cruel and unfair. You know that I want to get married, but you've spent 28 years telling me that you don't want to for a variety of reasons. I don't have the same surname as my children because you said we'd get married. I'll never have my parents at my wedding. If you don't want to get married then that's your right, but stop asking me about it when you are the one that doesn't want to marry me.

There's no way I'd put up with this.

I'd have left years ago. But if I hadn't, I'd be leaving now.

My friend is in a similar situation and it causes her no end of misery. Why women stay with men who don't respect them enough to marry them to ensure their security - yet are happy to live with them/have kids with them/have all the benefits of marriage without any commitment - is beyond me.

His reason for not getting married is utter nonsense too, and obviousky just an excuse that he's made up because je thinks it makes him sound morally superior/justifies his disrespectful behaviour. Marriage obviously isn't about owning women, what an insane thing to say? It's 2021 for goodness sake. Marriage is about commitment and security.