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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:

Original poster

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:15

That's it! I know he loves me and I him. But the fact that he doesn't get the hurt is bad. But he will quite happily accept people calling me his wife.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 07/09/2021 17:17

You don’t have to get married in a religious service, it can just be the two of you and two witnesses and it’s done

It’s all very well him saying you should understand his view, but he should understand yours

Why can’t you have a civil partnership?

MyAltAccount · 07/09/2021 17:18

Have you thought that he might actually be dreading an actual wedding with people around? Similar to how some people fear throwing a party. Maybe he's worried he doesn't have enough friends or no one will turn up? Maybe he doesn't have a best man?

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 17:19

@AlphabetSoup123

But after the wedding at the weekend he said do you think we will ever make it to a wedding. I didn't even answer because I didn't want the hypothetical discussion

Hi OP

He doesn't want to get married op but him saying this is cruel, it must have felt infuriating and hurtful.

He knows how much you've wanted to get married and it sounds like you left uni to focus on the relationship and get married. You could have had a very different life now if you had stayed in uni.

However - your relationship has lasted longer that a lot of marriages. I know lots of people that have very very long relationships then tie the knot and they actually split not too long after also. You also have two great kids so if your relationship has been good otherwise its not been wasted time.

If your relationship is good I wouldn't leave over a contract (because that's all it is) But the fact he asked if you would ever make it to getting married shows how disengaged he is with how this has made you feel OR he was taking the piss out of you saying it.

I would have a look over your entire relationship and who gets the most benefit out of it? Is it really an equal relationship? Are you happy? Because weddings dont make you happy in the long term if your relationship is crap - from experience it make it worse.

Do you feel valued? Is him agreeing to marry you a sign that he values you? Because if he doesn't value you now - he won't value you when your married.

What you really need to work out OP is if you would be happier leaving or happier staying. Then work from there. If your going to stay, drop the idea of getting married but I would absolutely talk to him about how this long drawn out process has made you feel and the comment about getting married was actually really cruel.

RandomMess · 07/09/2021 17:21

My DH wanted to be married but not have a wedding due to his anxiety.

He did finally understand that it meant a lot to me that he was putting his anxiety ahead of something we both wanted. It was a small wedding and at the end he told me he wishes we had invited more people

It is just hurtful when someone that proclaims to love you is basically saying "you aren't good enough for me to get married to you/have a wedding with"

Original poster

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:21

He says that scares him which is why I said we would go away but he has excuses for that.

OP posts:

PearlyRising · 07/09/2021 17:22

He sounds like he's sat on the fence dithering his whole life. Do you want to marry him? He sounds like he thoight he could do better than you and kept his options open for 28 years. What a turn off.

RandomMess · 07/09/2021 17:23

It does sound like he wants to keep his options open...

I agree a complete turn off.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 17:24

The guy sounds like a dick but you can force him to marry you. I think you need to decide if you want to be in relationship where you can go through the stress, pain and anxiety of carrying and birthing his children but he is too anxious to commit to you.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 17:24

*can't force him!!!

Ibizan · 07/09/2021 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:25

Yes. If he had said from day one I don't want to get married because.....it wouldn't have been an issue but he asked and changed his mind then said we will we won't etc. We are good together but his mucking about has miffed me.off and like I said my parents have died now and of he had an epiphany tomorrow he can't ever give me them back to be there

OP posts:

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 07/09/2021 17:26

I have said if anything happened to us we aren't NOK. But he doesn't seem bothered about that. Because he believes that his mum and dad would be ok and treat me well

Woah! This really stands out to me. Are there no wills or anything in place to ensure you aren’t reliant on the good grace of his parents? That’s really shitty after almost 30 years together.

Ultraopaque · 07/09/2021 17:26

What specifically is making him so anxious? (And what about your anxiety should he become ill or die in terms of next of kin/probate issues?)

Also, he's put you in an insidious position as no one likes to beg plus his reluctance may cause a serious rift and yet he is willing to risk that?

Sorry op, but I think he is treating you very shoddily

334bu · 07/09/2021 17:26

Do you have wills leaving everything to the other person? Is your name on the house deeds if you own a property? Are all your bank accounts joint? Do you have life insurance policies which pay out to the surviving partner? If you have property in an expensive area, does he realise how much inheritance tax will have to be paid if you are not married,? Marriage makes things so much easier when one partner dies.

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 17:27

Whilst I get that you are hurting, I'm really not clear what it is you actually want now.

Sadly your DPs are no longer here, so the situation is different from a decade or 2 ago. You are not going to get the wedding of your dreams, but you have accepted that for 28 years.

However, accepting financial insecurity for 28 years is madness.

Personally I would accept the civil ceremony. In fact I would probably opt for civil partnership instead of marriage anyway now its an option. No historical or religious history.

Ibizan · 07/09/2021 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marcee · 07/09/2021 17:28

Personally I think you need to ensure hes made a will ASAP.

Then you'll have to keep working on him.

Unfortunately he doesn't he understand the lack of security he is giving you.

If something happens to him and he's in hospital, it'll be his kids who are his legal NOK, or his parents. Same with a funeral God forbid.

None of the assets will be split with you unless they are in your name or you can prove you put money into them.

I know you've declined a civil partnership but this will give you the legal rights you need. So something to consider if he still wont marry you.

I know some are saying LTB.

But after 30 years and 2 kods- you haven't said how old you are. I'm not sure if that's a realistic option if you're in you 60's or 70's.
Obviously in your 60's still something to consider.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/09/2021 17:29

@FlowerArranger

I think what's at the bottom of all this, *@AlphabetSoup123*, is that you would like him to be proud to be your husband, and feel proud if you were his wife. But he doesn't feel this way. And that hurts. Plus he doesn't care that he is hurting you so much, and has been for so long.

Only you can decide whether your relationship, your shared life, and the way he treats you, can ever make up for this hurt.

100% this!!

I’m so sorry OP, only you can decide how much it matters to you but sadly I think you’ll always feel just that little bit worse about him :/

EarthSight · 07/09/2021 17:30

He said I don't need a ring and paper to show I love you and am committed to you

That's the funniest and weakest argument that people make regarding not getting married. If it's just a piece of paper, he could book a registry office next week, just to give you treat and make you happy. If it's that meaningless to him, it would be the equivalent of a day out for you both....but he know knows full well why he doesn't want to marry you, knows it means something, but he just doesn't want to tell you.

Ultraopaque · 07/09/2021 17:30

Agree with others that you need to take matters in to your own hands and decide for yourself! Why should he expect you to keep waiting for his "permission"? In your shoes I think I would be going away for a little holiday on my own at short notice "to reflect".

Original poster

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:31

Yes we have wills and stuff.

OP posts:

grey12 · 07/09/2021 17:31

For 27 years marriage has been mentioned and not done and you're expecting it to happen NOW?

Original poster

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 17:34

He doesn't talk about it with people

OP posts:

thelittlefox · 07/09/2021 17:34

So he's offered a civil partnership, but you said no? Maybe he's being genuine when he says he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage, and is trying to meet you halfway. A civil partnership would get you NOK status, I think.

I can see where he's coming from, personally. I've been with my partner 14 years, but as we have no kids and are financially separate, I can't really see the point. Like him, I view marriage as a tool of The Patriarchy, although I can understand why women do it to protect their family / financial stability.

I also have a pretty toxic family background, and there would be nastiness if we had a big day, and probably even more if we did it privately. Is there anything like that that might be fuelling his anxiety?

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