Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 07/09/2021 18:56

Excellent that you went back to uni, I hope it all goes well for you OP. As for this man I'm sorry but I don't think he will marry you, he has made himself clear. Maybe now that you are back studying you could take the time to think about the kind of life you want when uni is finished, dream job, dream place to live, travel or whatever, shape your life as you want it to suit you, give less headspace to him and what he wants, make yourself a priority.

workshy44 · 07/09/2021 18:57

If you won the lottery I bet her would marry you. Wills can be changed
I would be issuing an ultimatum if I was you.
He sounds like Mr happy for now

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:57

And I know people will say marriage is a contract etc but it doesn't feel right to me.

OP posts:
Blueroses99 · 07/09/2021 18:58

How much are your joint assets? Have you calculated your IHT exposure? How does he feel about your children making medical decisions on your behalf instead of him?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:58

Jo. We have been together since teens

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 07/09/2021 18:58

You might be covered by wills if either of you dies, however, if you split up, do you both have equal amounts of savings ? Are the savings all joint access? Do you both earn equal pay and have the same pensions savings?
I think he knows that currently, if you were to split, you would be a lot worse off after than he would be, and he is relying on that to keep you with him. Because, if you divorced, then all assets would be split including pensions and his savings.
He is still that anxious teenager that needs to hedge his bets with extra incentive for you to stay with him. Your only option might be to call his bluff and show him that you are prepared to go it alone regardless. Move out for a bit and see how he likes those apples, if his anxiety is around you leaving, he will change his tune, if his anxiety is about money hoarding for himself, then he will let you go, hard, but at least then you will know that he never really had equal respect for you.

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 19:00

Do you mean civil partnership just "doesn't feel right" ?

YukoandHiro · 07/09/2021 19:00

@oakleaffy just to add a counterpoint - my DH and I got married for the legal side, after 10 years and after having our first child. We had a small ceremony because my DH is very introverted and hated the idea of a big knees up. We both expected it to be nice but no big deal, and to change absolutely nothing in our relationship. Instead we both consider it one of the happiest days we've ever known and we both feel more settled and committed after marriage - even though we didn't expect to and didn't really care about it. We're both happier.

So Your post is, IMO, unnecessarily negative.

Also, if it's what she wants then it's what she wants. Her feelings are equally valid in this relationship

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 19:01

Joint assets are a lot. Mortgage is paid off. Savings are substantial. We are more than comfortable in that respect. He thinks it would all be left to me for decisions etc, doesn't believe that the kids would take over. As we are now I don't need to worry about that

OP posts:
ProfessionalWeirdo · 07/09/2021 19:02

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but have you considered the implications of Inheritance Tax? A surviving spouse is exempt from having to pay Inheritance Tax. A surviving co-habiting partner could end up with a massive tax bill.

Topsyturvyloo · 07/09/2021 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YukoandHiro · 07/09/2021 19:03

What if he left YOU though, OP?
Do you think he knows he's in a better position because he earns more (you're studying now right?) and that's why he's reluctant to go the whole hog and give you equal rights to his wealth?

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 19:05

A surviving civil partner also inherits IHT free.

AvantGardening · 07/09/2021 19:11

I’d leave OP. And I wouldn’t be coming back to be his live in girlfriend.

BertiesShoes · 07/09/2021 19:14

Savings are substantial.

Are these in joint names Op?

Because if they are in separate names (eg ISAs) and he has substantially more, you wouldn’t get a penny of them if you split up?

Plus I have seen it mentioned on here many times, partners can change a will and pension beneficiaries of their own accord - he could do this and not tell you.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 19:14

I have yes and I have e explained this and he is an accountant by trade so he knows all this. But its something. I know marriage is something that won't happen but just want him to own being a coward about not being truthful about it and stop making me feel like I'm being unreasonable and irrational about it

OP posts:
Blueroses99 · 07/09/2021 19:17

Would the house have to be sold to cover IHT or have you enough savings to cover it? As pp said, a surviving spouse would be exempt.

Why would you put your kids in a position where they have to carry out your wishes for your DP and/or his wishes for you because you can’t do it yourselves.

beastlyslumber · 07/09/2021 19:26

There is something more going on here. If your relationship is as great as you say, why would he refuse to do this one simple thing? He lied and manipulated to get you into the relationship and I'll eat my hat if this is the only thing he's lied and made you feel crazy about.

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 19:34

I think your emotions around marriage are valid because that's how you feel. But they aren't truly rational. You are rejecting a potential rational alternative because it doesn't "feel right".

Your dp's wavering may be because marriage just doesn't "feel right" to him.

You have consistently said you trust him and don't feel at risk financially, so I can't see why he would be deliberately trying to hurt you or benefit financially himself. But you would have a much better idea of that possibility than anyone on here could.

I think there has been 28 years of failed communication. They say actions speak louder than words. Your actions in not making marriage a deal-breaker before kids and mortgages seems to communicate that it it isn't as important as you say.

His actions in not following through with his promise to marry you seem to communicate that he doesn't care about what matters to you and is willing to cause you pain.

I think there's more to unpick than getting him to say he's been a coward.

SunshineCake · 07/09/2021 19:34

Ime if a man wants to marry you he doesn't just propose and buy the ring he chooses a date with you and actually shows up.

He is being embarrassingly predictable. I'd say nothing about marriage. Live my life. Let him grow up and then YOU decide if you want to be married to him. And when he says do you think we'll have a wedding or whatever shit it was, say don't be daft. Of course not..

Franklyfrost · 07/09/2021 19:37

Why do you want to get married? If it’s the party you could have a huge 30 year anniversary where you promise to stand buy each other and you get a dress and speeches etc.

knittingaddict · 07/09/2021 19:38

@Forestdweller11

What about a civil partnership rather than a wedding? No religious argument to be had there.
Also marriage in a register office is not a religious ceremoney either. In fact that's a condition of them doing the wedding. It can't have a religious element at all.
Guineapigbridge · 07/09/2021 19:51

I hear you OP. You're saying that you want validation of your status as someone special to him and expression of commitment to you. This isn't about assets, and wills. It's about your feelings of worth.

TheRebelle · 07/09/2021 19:53

If I’m honest he doesn’t sound very nice, he proposed to stop you going to uni and when he got what he wanted he backed out and he’s been stringing you along ever since, he knows he doesn’t need to marry you even though it’s important to you because you’ve stuck around. I bet if you’d left him when he messed you around the first time he’d have been down that aisle like a rat up a drainpipe.

I just couldn’t spend my life with someone who disrespected me that much, he’s probably enjoying withholding this from you.

mathanxiety · 07/09/2021 20:04

I think you should take him up on the civil ceremony, no name change, and no ring deal.

Name changing and rings are meaningless.

That piece of paper from the registry office is what you actually need if you are to have any security.