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Original poster

He won't marry me after 28 years

206 replies

AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 16:37

Hi. I'm new here.
But my OH says you guys are great on here. I have been with him almost 29 years, since I was 16 and a half. He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together. Marriage never mentioned. Millennium eve I asked if we were ever going to do it. (After booze and lots of encouragement we set a date) we booked a church and looked at venues But then he wouldn't talk about the wedding so I started to realise that he didn't want to go through with it. So I didn't mention it until a month before we were due to get married. He told me I was forcing him. Anyway on and off over the years he has been yep qe will no we won't. I always wanted to get married before my parents died (they both have now) Not being married never bothered me because we love each other and have 2 great kids together, house is in both our names wills etc. But lately this has been bothering me that we aren't married. But he doesn't ever want to get married and has over the years provided numerous excuses. And even if he asked now I would probably think he would change his mind again. He thinks I'm being unreasonable when I did eventually realise that I wasn't happy with what he had done and told him about it and now can't understand why I am upset but thinks that I should understand his view. I tried to say that I did because we are still together. We had been to a wedding over the weekend and seeing the bride dance with her father upset me because I could never do that. When we chatted about it he said that I should understand how he feels about it and his anxiety. I get that but it's another excuse because I offered to just go us 2 (we'll before the kids were born).
But he gets upset when I say I don't think we will ever get married.
This has turned I to an offload rather than seeking advice. Sorry

OP posts:
middlingmess · 07/09/2021 18:11

Take the civil partnership.
Grab it with both hands, the law does not recognise your 28 year relationship currently.
You must know the absolute disadvantage you are putting yourself (and him in)

If he doesn't want to do a civil partnership after all, then you know your answer - he's just not into you and he has been keeping his options open all this time.

I assume he wasn't against the children having his name?

bathsh3ba · 07/09/2021 18:12

All of his reasons are just excuses. He has no reason to marry you because he gets all the benefits of you being his wife already.

I would consider a temporary separation to show how strongly you feel about it.

Georgyporky · 07/09/2021 18:12

There's more to financial security than "wills & stuff".
Without marriage or a civil partnership, his death will probably leave you without a widow's pension from both the state & his employment, or any form of bereavement benefit.
His argument about religion is spurious, a civil ceremony - whether marriage or partnership - would seem to be the way forward.

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 18:15

All of his reasons are just excuses. He has no reason to marry you because he gets all the benefits of you being his wife already

But he has offered civil partnership. So OP would gain all the benefits of marriage.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 07/09/2021 18:18

Women were fed this pile of shite thirty years ago - in fact, up to fifty or more years. We are 'equal', 'free', 'I don't want to own you', 'we don't need a piece of paper'. Well, actually, we do.

The time to insist on it is before you move in together, and before you have children.

But every one of us has made unhelpful decisions in life. This one was yours. Definitely offload, definitely keep telling him how you feel, but it really doesn't look as if you'll be marrying this one. How old are your children? Do you want to stay with him? You might prefer to make your own way without him.

bathsh3ba · 07/09/2021 18:18

A civil partnership isn't the same as a marriage. If it were, the LGBT community wouldn't have fought so hard for the right to a civil marriage.

colouringindoors · 07/09/2021 18:18

OP do you know what his Will says?

I'm like others, seriously unimpressed with his "reasons". This is important to you on a number of levels and I think he's unreasonable not to marry you after this length of time.

What is he ACTUALLY scared if? Can you ask him that?!

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 18:23

A civil partnership isn't the same as a marriage. If it were, the LGBT community wouldn't have fought so hard for the right to a civil marriage

No its not the same, and heterosexual couples fought for the right to choose a civil partnership or marriage.

OP wants marriage. Her DP wants civil partnership.

Lordamighty · 07/09/2021 18:27

Change your Will & leave your share of everything to your children. They are your next of kin after all.
Next time the subject comes up tell him you don’t want to marry him now anyway.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/09/2021 18:30

Well the civil partnership is at least a step in the right direction. The alternative would be to tell him you've found someone else who DOES want to marry you! Wink

Jemand · 07/09/2021 18:42

@AlphabetSoup123

He said he doesn't agree with marriage because it's a symbol of religion and ownership of women. I said but shouldn't it be my choice if I want to get married or not and not you deciding
That's obviously nonsense, otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to marry you all those years ago. If he really believed in it, he wouldn't go along with people referring to you as his wife, either.
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:44

We are all sorted with wills and mortgage and pensions

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:46

No he wasn't. The kids are in his name

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 07/09/2021 18:47

Good ! I have a pensions where my dp will Not get anything other than part of my lump sum. Different if we marry or civilly marry. We were just talking about this yesterday.

oakleaffy · 07/09/2021 18:48

Don’t get married.
It does change how people feel, and makes men especially feel “ Trapped”
I’ve known long term relationships founder after marriage - because the wife pressured for it.
Very sad.

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:49

Kids are 20 and 18. Like I said before we are really good together and marriage seems a natural thing.

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 18:51

Why are you against civil partnership?

Dontbeme · 07/09/2021 18:51

He asked me to marry him when I was 18. (I was going to uni) anyway I came home and we moved in together

Did you give up your chance at uni for him OP? Is that something you could pursue now that the DC are older, something for you alone that will give you a sense of achievement?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:52

I have asked a lot of questions each time different answers. First it was I was forcing him. (I pointed out he asked me!) Then it was he couldn't stand up in front of all those people (but refused a smaller option) then he already shows he loves me house kids etc. Then it was a religious thing and then it was a symbol of ownership from centuries ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:53

I did and I am back at uni now.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:54

The civil partnership was something he would consider. He doesn't want it per se he is happy to continue as we are

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 07/09/2021 18:54

You're right, he's never going to do it.

You need to decide if you can accept that, and if so as a couple you need to agree that you're now beyond that point and not going to do it. And get some paperwork drawn up/do some planning to protect you in the event or sudden death (are your savings in joint accounts - you won't be able to access anything in his name only to plan a funeral if you're unmarried).

Or if this means too much to you, you need to make plans to leave

LublinToDublin · 07/09/2021 18:55

But what is your objection to it?

Original poster
AlphabetSoup123 · 07/09/2021 18:56

Because it sounds too much like a business deal. This is the love of my life who I have 2 fab kids with. We have never thought about being with anyone else. We been together since our teens.

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 07/09/2021 18:56

@AlphabetSoup123

I'm mid 40s. Everything is joint. We made the wills together on the same day. I get on with his parents but you never know how people will react in certain times. I know it won't happen I just wanted to know that I wasn't being irrational about it and you have given me that clarity.
How old is he? Is there any chance he was already married and is not divorced?
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